Six Weeks of Seduction by Ellis O. Day
CHAPTER 62: SARAH
Sarah sat in Dr. Smileworth’s office, actually eager for this session to begin.
“How did the dinner with Nick’s friends go?” asked the doctor. For a woman with the last name of Smileworth, she didn’t smile much, but she was kind, motherly and an excellent doctor.
“Good.” Sarah, however, couldn’t stop smiling. “Actually, it was great. Annie is wonderful and Patrick is a very nice guy.” She played with her purse strap for a moment, not sure if she should continue.
“And there was no problem with the fact that Patrick had been one of the men who’d been on your list and had seen you at”—the doctor looked down at her notes—“the Viewing?”
“No. I mean, I was nervous at first. It was more than a little embarrassing that he’d seen me in my underwear, but he’d acted like a gentleman. Of course, I’d been worried that it’d be this uncomfortable secret that everyone but Annie would know.” She wrung her hands in her lap. “I didn’t like that. I know what it’s like to not know something when everyone else at the party does.”
“Did you tell Annie? How did you handle this secret, Sarah?”
“I didn’t have to say anything.” She looked up at the doctor. “Annie already knew. Patrick had told her. She laughed as she brought it up. It was out in the open and…over. It was no big deal.”
“How did that make you feel?”
She hated those six words but she needed to dissect these feelings in order to get better and she had to get better. “Good. I worried for nothing.”
“And?” prodded the doctor.
“I was glad that Patrick had told her. Glad for her and him. They seem good together. I was also happy that I didn’t have to tell her and ruin her relationship with Patrick or have her not believe me.” She hesitated.
The doctor’s blue eyes were warm and patient. Too patient. The doctor would wait all hour for the hard answers and if they didn’t come out today, Smileworth would bring them up again. So, there was no sense in delaying.
“I was also a little sad. I wish Adam had told me about Lisa before he’d come home. I know he didn’t do it to hurt me. We were young and foolish and he wasn’t expecting to see me, but he still could’ve told me. He could’ve called or written. Something.” She blinked back tears.
“Why do you think that still hurts you so much? It was a long time ago. Like you said there was no malice and you were both young.”
“I…I don’t know.”
“This only works if you’re honest with yourself.”
“Okay.” She wiped the tears off her cheeks. “I guess, I wish I’d meant something to Adam.” She shook her head. “No. I did mean something to him…just not enough.”
The doctor handed her the box of tissue and Sarah wiped her eyes.
“I also…Annie is very open.” Her face heated. “She’d been the maid that’d walked in on me and Nick…” There were some things she was very uncomfortable discussing with the motherly doctor. “When I first realized, I almost froze in fear. I-I could feel the panic clawing at my throat. I-I thought that…” She’d thought they’d all see her fear and realize how fucked up she was.
“What happened, Sarah?”
She blinked, the memory, the panic fading away. “Nothing. Annie brought it up. Talked about how embarrassed she was and how mad Nick was when I’d fled. We all laughed.” Her face had to be scarlet by now. Talking to the doctor about her hangs up and past was hard enough but about her sex life was a little too embarrassing.
“Don’t be afraid to tell me anything.” The doctor actually smiled. “I may be an old woman now, but I was young once.”
“Okay.” She couldn’t help smiling back.
“So, you’re glad that they came over?”
“Yeah.” She took a big, deep breath. “It’s a relief. This is actually working.”
“Yes, talking through these things does work, but it takes time.”
“I know.” She didn’t have time. “I agreed to go to Nick’s sister’s birthday party with him.”
“Is this an intimate gathering like the dinner with Patrick and Annie?”
“No. Nick’s entire family will be there. It’s a large family.” She was breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it.
“We should discuss this further.”
“Okay.” She wasn’t backing down on this. She couldn’t.
“With Nick here too.”
That wasn’t going to happen. “He’s very busy right now. He has several new clients.”
“Sarah, going to a party, a large family party isn’t a good idea. Not yet.”
“I went to the award banquet and gave a speech.” She’d almost bolted for the door too, but the doctor didn’t need to know that.
“That was a huge accomplishment, but it was also different. You were there with your brother-in-law who you’ve known and trusted for years.”
Okay, maybe the doctor did need to hear about this. “Yes, but it was seeing Nick in the crowd that got me through the speech, not Peter.”
“You didn’t mention that there were problems.”
“There wasn’t. Not really. I froze on stage but only for a moment and then I saw Nick and everything was fine.”
“Hmm.”
“Nick will be with me at the party. I won’t be alone.” She could do this. She had to do this.
“I still think it’s a little early for something so similar to the situation with Adam.”
“This isn’t the same. Nick’s with me not another woman.”
“I know but triggers happen.” The doctor leaned forward and took her hands. “Recovery takes time. If Nick truly cares for you, he’ll understand that.”
“You don’t think I should go.” It was like the air was let out of her body.
“Not this time. Next time, maybe.” The doctor squeezed her hand. “You’re doing great but you need to take smaller steps. If you jump in, you may lose the ground you’ve already gained.”
“I understand.” Between now and the party she was going to have to take a lot of small steps because there was no way she was backing out on Nick.
“Good. Let’s go back to your dinner party. How did talking about the Viewing and the Interview with Annie, Patrick and Nick, make you feel?”
“Like I said embarrassed at first, but good. Once it was out, there was nothing to be scared about.” She wanted to roll her eyes. “And yes, I see where you’re going with that.”
“Smart patients are always a blessing.”
“Nick and I talked about some other things too, after Annie and Patrick left.”
The doctor waited patiently for her to continue.
“He was great with Kyle. I swear Kyle idolizes both him and Patrick, but especially Uncle Nick as he started calling him.” She stared down at her hands in her lap.
“And that’s a problem.”
“No. Yes. I don’t know. I mean when…if Nick leaves Kyle will be crushed.”
“I’m sure he’ll get over it. Kids are resilient and Kyle still has his parents and you.”
“Yeah.” They both knew it wasn’t actually Kyle she was worried about. “When I first met Nick, he’d said some things about kids.” She paused, feeling a little disloyal talking about this. “I was worried about getting pregnant and he…he didn’t want to use protection.”
“I see.”
“I insisted and he said that he’d pay if anything happened.”
“For an abortion?”
“That was up to me. He didn’t care.” That was the worst part. “I could get an abortion or he’d pay child support.”
“And that bothered you?”
“Of course, it bothered me. A child needs his parents not a paycheck.”
“Like your baby would’ve needed both you and Adam?”
“Yes.” Her hands were shaking now. “Even if Adam didn’t love me, he would’ve been in his child’s life.”
“And Nick won’t.”
“That’s just it. We talked. He apologized. He was very honest about it. He…he doesn’t feel that way anymore and I believe him.”
“But?”
“I think he’d make an excellent father.”
“He sounds like he would.”
“You really think so?” She needed an outside opinion. She wasn’t sure she was thinking with her head.
“It doesn’t matter what I think.”
She hated when the doctor did this. “Yes, I think Nick would make a great dad.”
“If he were around.”
That was the problem. “I don’t think he’d abandon his kid even if he left me.”
“Do you think he’s going to leave you?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” She didn’t want to talk about this.
“And that frightens you.”
“Yes, but it shouldn’t. I mean, no one can promise forever. Even marriage isn’t always forever.”
“How do you feel about Nick now?”
Her deep breath was shaky. “I’m crazy about him, and it scares me to death.”
“Strong emotions are always frightening.”
“When Adam left…died and so did my…our baby, it almost broke me. It might have if I hadn’t had Tank.” Sweat was trickling down her back. She took deep breaths to ease the panic away. “If Nick leaves me, I might not survive. My life isn’t perfect but it’s a good life. I have work I love and family.”
“But it’s not enough, is it?”
“No and that’s Nick’s fault.”
“Is it?”
“Yes. I was fine…happy before I met him.”
“Then why did you go to the Club?”
Damn. The doctor had her there.
“Sarah, our time is almost up and I want you to think about this.” The doctor leaned forward. “You cannot control what other people do. You could not control Adam falling out of love with you and in love with Lisa. You could not control Adam dying. You can’t control what Nick will or won’t do in the future.” The doctor took her hands. “All you can control is how you react. What you do.”
“Thank you.” Sarah stood and the doctor let go of her hands and walked her to the door.
“Bring Nick with you next time. I’d like to talk to both of you.”
Panic flared to life. “Ah, he’s so busy with work right now.”
“We can meet at a different time. I have evening appointments on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Talk to him and call me.”
“One of us still needs to be there for Tank.” That was a lie and she was pretty sure the doctor wasn’t buying it.
“Then send him alone. I’d like to get his input on some of these things.”
She swallowed. “I’ll tell him.”
“Sarah, if Nick can’t take an hour out of his day for something this important to you…maybe, you should think long and hard about this relationship.”
