The Heartbreaker of Echo Pass by Maisey Yates

CHAPTER SIX

JORDANHADBEENwrestling with feeling like she’d been gutted alive for the last few days. All the while that Laz had that apartment fixed up for her. And all the way up to moving day.

But she didn’t say anything. Even though she should have. Even though she wanted to. She didn’t say anything when she packed up that suitcase that he brought her, that brief, shining evidence of the fact that he knew her, followed by a devastating strange sort of half rejection.

It’s actually not unreasonable for him to not want to move in with you.

She knew that. But she had said that she loved him and he hadn’t said anything back. And she hadn’t said it again since.

And you were willing to accept something different, remember?

Except, it turned out that actually what she really wanted was for him to be in love with her.

But she would continue to see him. Of course she would.

Because their relationship was good in so many other ways, and it was grounding and...

She stood in the center of that apartment, frozen.

And what would happen if she was really alone? If she had to face the town, completely unprotected by her relationship with Dylan’s family, and even with their censure rolling through the community. If she had to go on without her friendship with Laz, without him sharing her bed.

If she was just a woman who lived alone, and had to cope with herself and any potential demons...

What was she?

And when Laz came up with the last box, she turned to face him. “We can’t keep sleeping together,” she said.

He stopped. “We can’t?”

“No. So if you moved me here to have easy access to me, bad news.”

“Why can’t we?”

“Because I love you. But I don’t need to be in a relationship with you to keep myself safe from heroin, or whatever it is I’ve been thinking all of my life about all of these relationships that I have. I denied my first instinct with you, because I didn’t trust my instincts at all. I was so sure that they were going to land me in a bad spot that I... That I denied them. And I denied myself. But Laz, I’m not doing that anymore. I love you. Like as more than a friend. But I don’t want to accept a half-life where we don’t have a future. I thought that I could. I thought that I could sleep with you and do the friends with benefits thing and that that would be enough.

“But it isn’t. And hanging on to that is just something I’m doing out of fear. Because I don’t know what my life looks like if you’re not in it. Because I’m afraid of who I’ll become, but I can’t stay with people for that reason. Not anymore. I’ve done too much of that. I’m not going to do it anymore. Not for you. And not for anyone.”

“Jordan...”

“No. I made a lot of mistakes with Dylan, not least of which was letting it get to our wedding day, and then running away rather than having a conversation with him. But I’m not doing that anymore. The one brave thing buried in all those cowardly decisions that I made was I was willing to change my life. Willing to dramatically change it. And I still am. But I need you to be willing to meet me halfway. I can’t do this. Because I’ve already done the relationship where I make all the compromises because I might be broken.”

“It’s not you who’s broken.”

“You’re not broken either. But you’re going to have to decide to be whole, I can’t decide that for you. Any more than Dylan could decide it for me, and you can’t make a relationship work with someone that dedicated to living in their pain. Believe me. I know.” She looked around the room. “So thank you for the apartment. I will pay rent on it. And I’ll still... Speak to you. And be your friend. But I can’t be in between. I just can’t. I love you too much to let either of us accept that.”

She blinked. “You didn’t want to ask me not to marry him because you were afraid you were being selfish. Well, I’m asking you to change. For me. And maybe I am being selfish, but maybe it needs to be said.”

“I can’t,” he said.

He looked tortured. He looked like he wanted to say yes, but couldn’t. And for the life of her, Jordan couldn’t understand that.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Me too,” she whispered.

Laz set the box down, turned and walked out of the apartment. And she somehow knew when he closed the door, he wouldn’t be opening it again.

Jordan stared blankly ahead. But she didn’t want French fries. And she didn’t want a milkshake. And she didn’t want to drive aimlessly for hours while she decided what to do.

She’d made her decision. And she knew she made the right one. Because while she had kept herself on a short leash, doubted her instincts and always secretly believed that she was a bad person inside, waiting to come out and ruin everything she’d built, she just...didn’t think that anymore. She was a woman. One who deserved everything. One who deserved love, one who deserved to feel confident in her decisions.

She was a woman taking a risk.

A woman who was trying to put herself on the road to having everything.

And if she had to take this risk to get there, then so be it.

And even though she was left bereft and sad, and so lonely feeling, she also felt more resolute than she ever had before.

Because she was no longer a prisoner of those words her father had spoken to her all those years ago.

She was free. And with freedom came some pain that she wished would go away. But she hoped she’d be able to overcome.

But in that pain, in that moment came clarity.

She was Jordan Whitfield. And she was not going to be defined by the words of other people. She was going to define herself. Going to define her own life.

And she was going to stand on her own two feet. Because that was the strength that Laz had given her.

Because he had shown her that shelters existed that could expand to accommodate her. And even though that was the gift that had broken them apart, it was also the gift that had made her strong enough to ask for what they both needed.

Now all she had to do was have faith.

And since Laz had always felt like fate, she had to trust that in the end it would work out okay.

A lot of trust for a woman who had never really seen it work out before. She knew how hard life could be.

But she wanted to know just how beautiful it would be.

And this was the only way.