Don’t Go Away Mad by Lacey Black

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Jasper

I slam the empty container of sliced onions down on the table. “If you can’t do it right, I’ll find someone who can! That goes for all of you!” I bellow, feeling the eyes of my stunned staff on my back as I storm away.

Shutting the door with force, I plop onto my desk chair and drop my head into my hands. A loud sigh slides from my lips as I close my eyes in exhaustion. I’m so fucking tired. I haven’t slept for more than a couple of hours each night since it happened. For weeks, I’ve been an aggravated zombie, going through the motions and so short fused, even my closest friends don’t want to be around me.

Who’d blame them? Not me.

I’m an absolute bear who deserves to be alone.

I get up and leave my office, needing to escape the four small walls that continually close around me. I don’t make eye contact as I walk through the kitchen and down the hallway, pushing open the employee entrance and stepping out into the sunlight. I feel like that damn Kid Rock song about not seeing it for three days, but not because I’m drowning myself in booze and drugs. My excuse is I’m working myself to death, day and night.

Hating myself a little more with each passing minute.

The sun is warm against my skin, even if there’s a cool February chill in the air. I embrace the sting of the dampness though. It’s a welcome reprieve from the darkness that’s surrounded me.

I drop down on the picnic table and take a deep breath. It burns my lungs, but I don’t care. I revel in the pain.

My mind continually replays the same scene, over and over again like a broken record. It invades my thoughts all day, but worse, at night. When I close my eyes, all I see is her tears. They stream down her lovely cheeks, each one a burning poker to the chest. Tears of betrayal, that’s what they were, and I can’t get them out of my head, as much as I’ve tried.

And I have.

I’ve drank way more than I should to try to forget her, but it hasn’t helped. I’ve worked out until I was so bone-achingly tired I was sure I’d pass out from exhaustion. Only to still see those tears after I closed my eyes.

Worse, I hear her words. How each one dripped with the pain of deception.

Mydeception.

“Thought I’d find you back here,” Jameson says as he walks through the back door and drops down on the bench across from me. He pulls out a cigarette and lights it, only to offer me the pack before he puts it away. I take one, even though I’m not a smoker, not since my younger, dumber college days.

“What are you doing out here?” I ask, lighting the cigarette with the offered flame.

“I drew the short straw,” he announces, taking a deep inhale and looking much cooler than I do.

I snort out a laugh. “Pity for you.”

He leans back, extending his long legs out in front of him. “It is. No one wanted to be the one to come out here and deal with your bullshit.”

“Tell me how you really feel,” I grumble.

“You don’t want to know how I really feel, Jasp.”

I sigh and close my eyes. “You know what, maybe I do. Let me have it. It can’t be anything I haven’t already thought myself these last few weeks.”

When he doesn’t reply right away, I open my eyes and meet his gaze. “You’re scared.”

Okay. That’s not what I thought he’d say.

“What?”

“You’re scared, because she made you feel things you’ve never felt before and it was easier to run from them than to face them head-on.”

“I’m not scared,” I argue, even though it’s fruitless. I am.

“Bullshit. You may have done that newspaper thing accidentally, but in the last couple of weeks, you’ve had every opportunity in the world to fix it. But you haven’t. You know why?”

I stare at him with a blank expression. “Because I’m scared?” I ask, deadpan.

“Exactly.”

“So, tell me, oh wise one, why am I scared exactly?”

He just smiles. “Because you love her, and you think you’re no good for her.”

I blink, trying to wrap my head around his surprisingly astute assessment. “I don’t love her,” I whisper, but the words sound hollow, even to my own ears.

“You do, and that scares you. But the truth is, you two are better together than apart. She brought out this whole new side of you, and you didn’t know what to do with it. It’s like you were sitting back, waiting for the other shoe to drop so you could turn tail and run at the first opportunity.

“Well, you did that, and look what happened. You’re miserable and so fucking grumpy no one wants to be around you. Your staff is on the verge of quitting, but you’re too stubborn and stuck in your own head to see it.

“But do you know what’s worse? She loves you too, and you’re too wrapped up in your own head to even see it.” He takes a long drag from his cigarette and stares at me.

I close my eyes and picture her standing in the kitchen of her bakery. “I told her I loved her. It was selfish, because I was walking out of her life, but I had to say it. For myself. Not to hurt her, even though I’m sure it did. Because I’m a prick. A fucking dick who had to say the one thing I should have said before everything blew up in his face. A coward.”

He nods slowly in understanding, but also in agreement. “You’re right.” I can’t help but laugh, smiling for the first time in forever. “You’re a dick. Always have been. But you’re also the first guy to jump in and help if one of us needs something. When all that shit happened last fall with Walker and Mal? You were right there, despite having a job to do. You’re a good friend, Jasper. You don’t give yourself enough credit.

“You made a mistake. Out of frustration or anger or whatever that was. We know you didn’t mean to send that bullshit to the newspaper, and deep down she knows it too. You’d never willingly hurt someone you love. That includes us. And her.”

He takes another long drag. “So, now the question is, what are you going to do about it? Let her go, to live her life? You gonna be content to see her come and go across the street without saying hello? What happens when she starts to date, and they come into the restaurant for dinner? That okay with you?”

I pull at the collar of my polo, even though it’s not tight. Suddenly, I can’t seem to get enough oxygen into my lungs.

“That’s what I thought. Listen, Jasp, if you don’t love her or don’t want to see her again, fine. I won’t say another fucking word. But you still owe her an apology. You did her wrong, and that’s not okay. Fix that because it’s the right thing to do. She’s not our competition and doesn’t deserve what’s happening to her.”

My chest aches. “What’s happening to her?” I ask, even though I don’t think I want to know the answer.

He sighs and puts out his cigarette, only to retrieve a second one. “Business sucks. Dustin said she lost all her cake orders and had to donate a bunch of product to the hospital and nursing home.”

Again, I close my eyes and try to hide from the humiliation and shame. “What if I do love her?” I whisper, putting my cigarette out.

He smiles and stands up. “Then, don’t stop until she forgives you.”

I watch as one of my best friends walks away, leaving me outside in the cold. But this time, I’m left with something else too. Hope. The truth is I’m probably all wrong for her, but Jameson’s right. I’d rather be with her, spending my life proving to her I’m worthy, than spending it without her.

Now, I just have to figure out how to apologize.

The right way this time.