Chapter 49

 

 

 

Afton

 

 

It’s taken me twenty-six years to fully understand what love is. That’s because, for the first time in my life, I truly love someone so deeply that all I want is for him to be happy, fulfilled, and living the life he is destined to.

I’m standing on the sidewalk across from a playground that is a block from my parents’ penthouse.

I never take this route home, but my mom suggested I stop at the ice cream shop she sneaks off to. She claims their mint chocolate chip is superior to none.

I’m holding a cone with two scoops as it melts and drips onto my shoes.

Tears are streaming down my cheeks.

I can’t tell if they are because I’m happy for the man I love or if they’re rooted in the pain of what real loss must feel like.

I stare at the beautiful man pushing the little boy on the swing. They are both laughing. I can’t hear it from where I’m standing, but I see it.

I love that man. I love his laughter and his voice. I’ve come to love the way he tilts his chin just a touch when he’s eating and the feel of his hands on my hips when he’s inside of me, bringing me pleasure.

I’ve seen him happy, but this is next level.

His place in the world is with the adorable little boy with bushy brown hair and glasses.

I take a step closer to the curb, hoping I’ll see more.

I do.

Auggie jumps from the swing and into Luke’s arms.

My hand moves toward my pocket to get my phone, but I stop myself. I don’t need to capture this moment in time so I can torture myself forever.

I need to remember what we had and how he saved me from a life that wasn’t right for me and showed me what could be.

As a woman with long dark hair approaches them with wide stretched arms, I take one last look at the man I know I’ll never forget before I toss the ice cream in a trashcan and set off on foot, knowing exactly what I need to do.

 

***

 

Feeling as though my heart is in my hands, I knock on the door to Luke’s apartment.

I sent him a text message this morning asking if he had time to talk.

He’s pulling twelve-hour shifts all week, but he told me he could see me anytime during the other twelve hours. 

I’m here now, knowing that what I have to say won’t take much more than a few minutes.

I’ve rehearsed it over and over since I saw him with Auggie last night.

I’m a coward for handling the situation this way, but I need to save my heart.

Walking away from this without hearing the man I love tell me that he doesn’t want me anymore is selfish but necessary.

If guarding my own heart makes me cruel, so be it.

He yanks open the door, dressed for work. He’s so handsome. A soft smile spreads over his lips.

I skirt around him because I can’t touch him. Touching him will only make this harder. I already feel as though my heart is taking a beating.

The click of the door shutting turns me around.

“I’ve wanted to talk to you for days about something important, “ he begins, raking a hand through his hair. “I’m so fucking nervous, and this isn’t the best timing. It’s going to take awhile to explain everything, so maybe you should have a seat so I can get it all out before work.”

I swallow, trying to remember all the words I memorized. I can’t recall any. The only thing sitting on the tip of my tongue are three words.

I love you.

I want to say it. I long to say it, but I can’t.

A knock at the door stops time. It stops my lie about needing space after my breakup with Warren. I can’t tell Luke that what we had is fun, but I have to focus on myself.

None of those dishonest words leave my lips as he whispers, “I wasn’t expecting anyone else. Fuck. I’ll see who it is.”

I move a half-step to the left to give him room to pass me in the small foyer.

When the door opens, a rush of emotion hits me like a thundering wave. Auggie screams his name, Brooklyn’s face lights up at the sight of him, and my effort to shield my heart fails.

I almost drop to my knees.

“Brooklyn,” he says her name softly. “What are you doing here?”

“My fire engine is here,” Auggie answers for his mom. “You let me pick it from the box in your closet, Daddy. I forgot it.”

Daddy.

It takes every ounce of strength I have left to not sob into my hand.

Desperately, trying to find a way out, I shuffle in my sneakers. “I need to go.”

“No.” Luke’s hand lands on my shoulder. “Afton, please wait.”

I glance up into his eyes. They are the eyes that I first looked into when I ran away from my unfulfilled life, and they are the same eyes I stared at when we sat under the stars in my backyard garden after we made love.

“I have to go,” I insist.

“We’ll talk soon.” His hand slips, freeing me from his grasp. “I work all week, but we’ll find time. It’s about the future. It’s important.”

It’s important but not necessary.

I see his future right in front of me, and I’m not a part of it.

I slide past Auggie and Brooklyn on my way out as Luke struggles through an awkward introduction, never saying who they are to him.

He doesn’t need to tell me. They are his family, and I’m his past.

As soon as I’m outside of the building and on the sidewalk, I run. I run around pedestrians, across streets, and around corners until my lungs burn, and I can’t feel anything but the pounding beat of my broken heart.