The Blood is Love by Karina Halle

9

Lenore

I’min my old apartment.

In the bedroom.

My parents have left it the same, like I never left, hoping I guess that I might one day come back. At the very least, it’s a place for me to escape when I need it.

I have only been back once since I returned from Shelter Cove, to check on my father, still healing from the damage that Yanik caused him.

And now I’m here again.

One moment I was in the forest with Jeremias, the next everything moved and the world shifted and now I’m here, crouched beside the bed, feeling like I’m going to throw up.

Slowly I rise, gathering my robe around me, not wanting to look at the wound, even though it’s healing, and then I stop.

I’m not alone.

Outside the door there are voices and there are smells.

My parents.

And Solon.

I bristle with fear. I picture Solon and I see the beast and my god, I hope it’s just a vampire outside there.

Then the smells get stronger, floorboards creaking, my mother says, “Is it her?” in a frantic voice and then the bedroom door opens.

I’m staring right into Solon’s eyes.

His shadowed, brilliantly blue eyes.

It’s him.

And yet the fear remains.

“Lenore,” he says, his voice low and raspy, my name breaking on his lips.

My heart feels torn in half. Part of it wants me to run to him, to wrap my arms around him, to feel the cool, softness of his skin, to be with the one I love.

But the other part keeps me where I am. The other part lives in fear. Fear that he might change at any moment. It doesn’t matter that my parents are there behind him, staring at me with worry and relief, that they could probably kill the beast. I don’t want him dead, but I’m scared of him just the same.

“Lenore,” he says again, and I feel him, feel the weight inside his chest, the guilt, the pain, the sorrow, and yet all I can do is throw up my hands and display my palms and say:

“Stay there.”

His expression crumbles like I’ve slapped him. “I won’t hurt you.”

I shake my head. “You might.”

“Lenore, sweetie,” my mother says, pushing around Solon. “Are you okay? What happened to you?”

I gather the robe tighter around me, knowing that all three of them would lose their fucking minds if they saw the wound.

She approaches me like I might run away, slowly, cautiously, but then she’s so close and I let go of the fear.

I throw my arms around her and she grasps me firmly, even though my chest burns from how tightly she’s holding me. All the tears I’ve managed to hold back throughout this whole thing are finally spilling over and I’m crying, bawling into her arms. Trauma upon trauma upon trauma, and the beast was my breaking point.

So, I cry, and eventually my father comes over and joins us, holds on, and I’m so very aware that Solon is still in the room, the smell of tobacco and roses lingering, though he stays in the doorway and doesn’t come any closer. I want him to leave, and yet I don’t know if he’ll go so easily. I can’t imagine the pain and guilt he must be feeling, to know that he became the beast. He must have seen the blood, he must have suspected he did something awful, even if he has no memory of it.

And yet I can’t reconcile that right now. Right now I’m falling apart, and I’ve been falling apart since the day I met him.

I’ll leave, Solon’s voice comes in my head. If you want me to.

I don’t know what I want, I answer him. It’s the truth.

I want him to go.

I want him to stay.

I want reassurance that he’ll never hurt me again, but I know he can’t promise that, and I know it breaks him as much as it breaks me.

“Sweetie, please,” my mother says, eventually pulling away and holding my face in her hands. “Tell us what happened to you. Absolon said he…”

“Hurt her,” Solon finishes, his voice grim. “I hurt her. I can smell her blood, old and dried.”

My mother looks at him over her shoulder then looks at me, her eyes skimming over the robe. “What happened? How did he hurt you?”

I look over at Solon, at the haunted look in his eyes.

Then I step back and open the robe, just enough to show the space between my breasts. The mark of his claws is still there, red and angry and unmistakable.

My father gasps in horror.

My mother cries out.

Solon looks like he’s dying on his feet, the pain on his face breaking my heart because I know he didn’t mean it, I know this wasn’t really him.

I quickly pull my robe closed, “I’m okay now,” I manage to say, but my mom is reaching into her pocket and pulling out the slayer’s blade and she’s flinging it across the room while she screams.

Solon is fast. I don’t see him move but I know he’s by the front door now, probably creating flames to escape, while the blade goes through the empty doorway and hits a cupboard in the kitchen.

“Elaine!” my father yells, reaching for her, wrapping his arms around her chest to hold her back while she kicks and screams. I’ve never seen my mother so angry before, and I can’t blame her. She sees the wound, the pain that Solon caused me, the one whom I was supposed to be safe with. She wants him dead. It was always against her nature to have let him live this long.

“Mom,” I plead. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“It’s not okay!” she yells at me, tears streaming down her face. “You’re in love with a monster. One that almost killed you.”

My jaw tenses, teeth grinding as I try to keep it together. “I know I am. But it’s not Solon’s fault.”

“Oh my god,” she says, and eventually my father’s grip on her relaxes just a little. “That’s what you really believe? That this wasn’t his fault.”

She rips out of his arms and storms on over to me, pointing at my chest, her eyes in a frenzy of hatred. “You really think this wasn’t his fault?”

I can tell Solon is still in the apartment somewhere. I can smell him, hear his faint breath. Out of the room, and safe, but not leaving either.

“It’s…complicated,” I tell her feebly. Too complicated for me to even figure out at the moment.

“Honey,” my father says patiently to her, coming over to us. “Don’t make this worse.”

Her mouth drops open. “I’m making this worse?”

“Stop,” I tell them. “Please, just stop. A lot has happened. This isn’t just about what happened with Solon. It’s about Jeremias.”

Suddenly Solon appears in the doorway again, eyes blazing. “Jeremias? Is he the one who took you?”

My mom whips her head around to glare at him and go after him again, but I reach out and grab her hand, trying to keep her focused. I look at Solon and nod. “I was trying to escape, and I was able to. I was able to keep you away. I put up my hands and I felt this power, like electricity, running through my palms and you couldn’t come any close. Like I had a shield protecting me. A bubble.”

Solon’s lips curve into a small, awestruck smile as he stares at me. “That’s incredible.”

“Shut up,” my mom seethes at him. “None of this is incredible.”

“This is the second time she’s been able to use her powers to save her life,” Solon says testily. “I’d say it’s incredible.”

“I didn’t know what I was doing,” I quickly tell them, not feeling the same pride that Solon is. “I just…I wanted to live, and it happened. I only got so far though. I was…the wound wasn’t healing. It was fatal. And then the window opened and he came inside.”

“Like he crawled inside?” my father asks.

I shake my head. “No. He straight up flew inside.”

“What did he look like?” Solon asks. He takes a step toward me, but I flinch, and it’s enough for him to stop where he is. I’m not ready for there not to be distance between us.

“I don’t know,” I tell him. “He was like a human, a man, he had on these black boots and a black cloak. But his face…it was never the same. Only his eyes remained the same, for the most part,” I add, remembering them turning yellow. “But his features were always changing, like he always had a different face every few seconds. I don’t know why it was like that.”

Solon looks grim. “I do. Black magic usually comes at the expense of someone else. Sacrifice. Someone like Jeremias doesn’t live for hundreds of years, get to amass the power and magic that he does, without having to make hundreds of sacrifices.”

“You’re saying his face keeps changing because it belongs to someone he sacrificed?” I ask in horror.

Solon nods. “Could be their souls trapped inside him.” He pauses, studying me. “Don’t tell me he brainwashed you into thinking he’s all good?”

“You don’t even know what happened to me!” I snap at him. “You tried to kill me! If it wasn’t for Jeremias, I wouldn’t be here. He saved my life. He took me somewhere and he fixed me.”

“How did he fix you, sweetie?” my mother asks softly.

I tear my eyes away from Solon and look at her. “I don’t know. There was a circle and lights. Fire. Torches. These four girls, they all looked the same. He said they were his apprentices. They came out of the ground. He made me float in the air above the circle and the fire and he had this cup, this chalice…it was silver.”

“What was in the cup?” my father asks, looking vaguely horrified.

“Blood,” I say. “But it wasn’t human blood. I don’t know what it was. He was chanting, Latin, about venom and blood and bodies and these…things, these creatures came out of the woods. They had deer skulls and cloaks and they were chanting too.”

“The old ones,” Solon says under his breath. “Lapp witches.”

“Whatever they were, they scared the hell out of me. Jeremias said they belonged to the Dark One.”

Both my parents visibly shudder, but Solon remains straight-faced.

“How did you get back here?” my father asks.

I shrug. “I don’t know. He said I was healed and that the slayers were worried. I guess he meant you. Suddenly I was back here.”

My father pats me gently on the shoulder. “We have a lot to discuss, Lenore. A lot. I want to talk more about this, about everything you saw. But you need to rest. Traveling the way you did, it will take everything out of you. And with that wound…”

“We want you to stay here,” my mother says, her eyes pleading.

I nod. I was planning on it. “Okay. I will.” I can feel Solon’s gaze burning me, but I don’t want to look at him yet. “Mom, Dad, do you mind giving me and Solon a moment alone?”

My mother narrows her eyes. “He’s not staying here.”

“I know he’s not. But I still need to talk to him.”

She sighs heavily and exchanges a weary glance with my father. Then the two of them head to the door, Solon stepping out of the way, averting his eyes from the hate in their gaze.

“I don’t think you should be alone with this monster,” my mother says, pausing outside the door. “It isn’t safe.”

“I know. It’s just for a moment.”

“We’ll be in the living room,” my father says, closing the door behind us.

Suddenly my old bedroom feels so small.

I stare at Solon, unsure of what to say. How to start.

“I’m sorry,” he says to me quietly, his eyes slowly searching my face, anguish creasing his forehead. “I am so sorry, Lenore.”

“I know you are,” I tell him.

“Why didn’t you run?”

I frown. “What do you mean? Like it’s my fault?”

“It’s not your fault,” he says quickly. “But I told you to run. I knew it was coming and I told you to run and I know you heard me. Why didn’t you run?”

I shake my head. “No. I’m not going down this path. You’re trying to put the blame on me.”

“No one is putting the blame on you!” he says angrily. “Obviously I did this to you. Obviously I hate myself, more than you could ever imagine. Your mother had her blade pressed against my heart and part of me wanted her to drive it in. The only thing stopping me from stepping into it was that I needed to see you again, to know that you were okay.”

“Well, I’m here now. I’m okay.” But fuck, please don’t willingly step into any witches’ blades. “I just…how did it happen? How could…I looked into your eyes, Solon, and you were gone. You were gone.”

“I told you!”he says roughly, eyes on fire. “I told you what I was. You saw with your own eyes what I was capable of doing to those I love. You knew, you can’t pretend you didn’t know.”

“I know,” I cry out. “I just thought…I thought I…”

“Did you think you were so special?”

Ouch. It feels like he just slapped me across the heart.

I swallow the pain down, my stomach sinking. “Yes,” I say weakly. “I did. I thought I was special. You’ve told me as much, Solon, I—”

“You’re special to me,” he says, lunging forward. I gasp as he grabs my arms, fingers squeezing tight, my heart thundering in my chest. “You are everything to me. But I am not the beast.”

I shake my head, a tear running down my cheek. “But you are, Solon. You are the beast. It is part of you, and you’ll never be able to escape. I’ll never be able to escape. Next time, next time he’ll kill me. He’ll finish the job.”

His nostrils flare, jaw set in a firm, tense line. “There won’t be a next time.”

“Yes there will,” I tell him. “Of course there will. Anytime I’m with you, I’ll—”

“You won’t be with me,” he says sharply, a line drawn between his brows. “You won’t be with me at all.”

I stare at him, dumbstruck with fear. “What…what do you mean?”

“I’m not going to put you at risk,” he says gravely, breathing in deep. “I can’t put you at risk. We can’t…we can’t be together like this, not when I know what can happen.”

I blink.

My heart feels on the verge of shattering, like one more hit and it’s exploding into a million pieces.

He’s not…

We’re not…

“Are you breaking up with me?” I manage to say, and god, it sounds so dumb, but I’m so fucking scared that this is what’s happening.

He presses his lips together in a firm slash, swallowing audibly. “Lenore.”

I shake my head. “No. Don’t. Just tell me what’s happening. This isn’t a solution, Solon.”

“It’s the only solution I have,” he says, his voice soft and breaking, carrying pain in his eyes, but then I’m reeling from so much pain that it’s starting to cloud my vision.

“Do you love me?” I whisper. I press my fingers to his chest, on his heart. “Do you really love me?”

His face crumbles. “I love you.”

“Then this isn’t the solution.”

“I can’t risk losing you!” he yells, throwing his arms out. “Please, god damnit Lenore, listen to me. Listen to me. I love you to the ends of the earth, but our love works best when it’s alive. When I’m alive, and you’re alive. I won’t lose you. I won’t hurt you. I need to…I need to figure myself out, to stay away from you, to—”

“You’re not staying away,” I tell him quickly, grabbing his hand and holding tight. “Okay. Maybe right now, maybe it makes sense to be apart for a bit. Until you…figure things out. Control yourself. Put that side of you back in the cage for a while. But this isn’t a long-term solution. I won’t allow it.”

“You are not in control here, moonshine.”

“And neither are you!” I yell. “Neither are you, Solon. We’re both at the mercy of what’s inside you. But I’m not going to let you walk away from me and stay that way. Okay? I’m not. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to lose you either. And as long as you still love me just as I love you, I’m not going to give up on us without a fight.”

He stares at me deeply, breathing hard.

“Please,” I go on. “Fight with me. Don’t give up.”

His gaze drops to where I’m holding onto his hand. “How do you suppose we’re supposed to fight this?” he asks quietly.

“I don’t know, but we have to try. You owe me that.”

He closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath through his nose. “Okay. Just tell me what to do.”

“For now, I think…I think it’s best if I stay here. We need some distance. I don’t want to live in fear that the beast might escape. I don’t want to set him off. I need to be ready for the next time. Maybe there’s some magic I can learn. I figured out how to keep you at bay before, I could probably do it again. I just have to be sure.”

His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “Alright.” He looks to me. “I’m going to have a hard time walking away from you.”

“Even though you just said we shouldn’t be together.”

“I never said it would be easy. Leaving you feels like going against gravity.”

“I know,” I say. “But for now, it’s our best shot. Our only shot. Go back to the house. I’ll stay here. We’ll see what happens after that.”

I know the words that I’m saying. I know that they make sense, that I need space from him, that he needs space from me. They sound so empty and plain coming from my mouth, but it’s absolutely killing me inside that this is what’s happening.

I don’t want to be apart from him.

I want to rewind time so we’re standing back in yesterday.

I want to go back to the moment he told me to run, and I want to run this time, run to save the both of us, run to save our relationship.

But there’s no going back.

There’s just here and now and I’m left with scars over my heart.

Solon places his hand at my cheek and leans in to kiss me and I let the smell of him wash over me, feed my soul, but then that fear is there, the image of the red eyes and the claws and the pain and the blood and I’m pushing him back hard.

“Don’t,” I tell him. “It isn’t wise.”

His eyes go dark and then he raises his chin, squaring his shoulders. Because he knows. He knows that the beast comes out during sex. He knows that kissing could unlock that next step. That our emotions are running too high right now, and that could be a key too.

“You know where I’ll be,” he says.

Then he turns and leaves the room.

And my heart finally falls.