Boys Club by Selena

eight

Harper Apple

By the time we leave the remains of the party, dawn lights up the eastern sky. Baron has the whole thing coordinated down to the last car, which has to leave first. The cops are gone, though I assume they showed up at some point. The house is not a house anymore, just a shell. It looks sad and broken in the harsh light of morning, with just the supports and some of the outer walls remaining. I should feel guilty about helping demolish it, fucking Royal on a stranger’s bed, and stealing a leather jacket from the closet. But all I can think about is that the crime of living that lifestyle while I live in a dump in gangland is worse than what I did.

Royal drops me off at home, but he opens the window, calls me around, and grabs my hand, pulling me back down to kiss me, like he can’t quite say goodbye, either. “Keep that pussy shaved for me over break,” he says. “I’ll pick you up on Monday.”

I nod and kiss him back, relieved to be on good terms with him again, even if he didn’t give me what I wanted. I’m not sure he ever will. But he gives me what he can, and for now, I tell myself it’s enough. He couldn’t tell me he wasn’t fucking Gloria, but he still wants to fuck me. I’m just going to have to be patient, to wait for him to reveal himself when he’s ready.

Not my strong point, that’s for damn sure.

I head inside and collapse onto the bed.

In the morning, I open the OnlyWords app on the computer to fill in Mr D. But there’s already a message waiting, from someone I’ve never messaged before. I open it, my heart pounding before I even read it.

SilverSwan: Is this Harper Apple’s account?

I stare at the message, a knot of dread in my stomach. I should be excited to dig in deeper, to find out if this person is a member of the club Mr. D asked about, but all I can think is that I’m already standing between the Dolces and their sworn enemies, and I’m barely able to convince myself I’ll make it out alive. I don’t need one more mystery, a million questions without answers, or one more person who knows more about me than I do them.

BadApple: Who’s asking???

SilverSwan: I am.

BadApple: Who r u?

SilverSwan: Thank you.

BadApple: idk what ur talking about

SilverSwan: For what u did 4 Lindsey.

BadApple: who is this?

There’s no answer. My heart is hammering. Is it Mr. D, on another account? Did he not want me to know that he’s Lindsey’s dad for some reason? Or is it someone else, someone who might have gotten word about the house from someone who was there? I remember Colt’s words at the diner. There are still Darling allies in this town, hidden away, where the Dolces won’t see them. But it has to be a Darling, or someone close to them, if he’s thanking me for saving Lindsey. And it wouldn’t be Chase London, since he doesn’t go to WHPA and couldn’t be Midnight Swan.

BadApple: R u a Midnight Swan?

SilverSwan: If u need anything, lmk.

BadApple: I need 2 know who u r

SilverSwan: A man who always pays his debts.

I jerk my hands back from the keyboard, a shiver running down my spine like it did the first time Mr D messaged me. How many Darlings are there? And why do they keep finding me? I didn’t save Lindsey so anyone would be in my debt. I don’t want a reward. I just did it in the spur of the moment because I know what it’s like to be a target, and she didn’t look like she could handle it herself. But for some reason, this Darling’s last comment freaks me out more than if he’d come right out and threatened me. What the fuck does that even mean, someone who pays his debts?

And if he pays his debts, he should know that he doesn’t owe me shit. I owe them, all the Darlings. I took their scholarship. I got Colt nearly killed. I took his sister’s clothes. I went to a party at one of their homes, helped trash it, and danced in the ruins. I stole a jacket from Preston’s closet and came so hard for his enemy that his Egyptian cotton sheets were ruined by the time we were done.

When I think of all the things I’ve done since meeting Royal, I don’t feel like a very good person. And I know I said it would take a person as bad as they are to end their reign, but do I really want to become like them if that’s what it takes to bring them down?

The lines in my life are blurring until I can’t tell pleasure from pain, fear from desire, and worst of all, reality from the game. I’ve walked too long in Wonderland, and it makes me feel off-balance when I step out of that world, as if I’m no longer sure who I am and what I want in my own world. I fucking hate it.

I detail the night to Mr. D, from the frenzy at the start of the party to the dark turn at the end, where everything was ugly, and I saw football players shitting in the hot tub and Cotton Montgomery carrying an unconscious girl to his Jeep. After signing off with him, I pause before closing the little black chat box. My mind keeps returning to the Silver Swan, who always pays his debts. It sounds like a threat. And I need info for Mr. D, anyway.

So I type in a message in the chat box.

BadApple: were u at the party last night?

WHGossipgrrl: no but I heard abt it. U?

BadApple: Yep

WHGossipgrrl: Wanna b 1 of my sources?

BadApple: like a snitch?

WHGossipgrrl: no silly

WHGossipgrrl: like u get 2 give me ur perspective

BadApple: it was mayhem n madness as per usual

WHGossipgrrl: heard u n Royal were fucking like bunnies on every surface

BadApple: omg dixie. Not even.

WHGossipgrrl: that’s y I thot u might want 2 give ur side

BadApple: we r 17

WHGossipgrrl: everyone’s 17

BadApple: ok… I’m 17 n he’s Royal Dolce. Isn’t it self-explanatory?

WHGossipgrrl: What does it explain?

BadApple: no comment

WHGossipgrrl: lol

BadApple: r u giving me shit?

WHGossipgrrl: no. I dish, don’t judge.

BadApple: bullshit

WHGossipgrrl: is that all?

BadApple: off the record. R u mad abt me n R?

WHGossipgrrl: no. I get it. I was the same way abt Colt. Starstruck. Dick-whipped.

BadApple: I’m not dick whipped

WHGossipgrrl: ok.

WHGossipgrrl: just after what he did 2 Colt. I thot u were friends.

Guilt gnaws inside me. She’s right. I’m a fucking traitor.I’m in too deep. I’m drowning in it—in Royal, and my obligation to Mr. D, and my own promise to get revenge. I wanted it for something he did to Colt, but if I’m truly honest with myself, my feelings for Royal have eclipsed my friendship with Colt by a long shot. But I can’t forget what he did to me, that he released that video even after I let him use me like a fucking whore. I have to keep telling myself that even when it’s good, I can’t believe it. Even if I forgave him for the video, he taught me a very important lesson that day: he cannot be trusted.

BadApple: I am friends w Colt. But don’t tell me u could resist the D boys. Look at them. They have everything. Power. Money. Beauty. Danger.

WHGossipgrrl: I prefer guys like Colt

BadApple: lol

WHGossipgrrl: what? U think I’m saying that 2 save face bc they don’t want me?

BadApple: no. I think u like a tatted up bad boy with a tortured soul n demons in his past

WHGossipgrrl: so?

BadApple: so that describes the guys we both like

WHGossipgrrl: …

WHGossipgrrl: point taken

BadApple: sry. Can I ask u something more? U said u no everything

WHGossipgrrl: I don’t kno much abt the D boys, if that’s what u want. I was friends with C, but once she was gone, they closed ranks tight. Unless they want a certain spin on something, they don’t talk 2 me.

BadApple: y? if u were friends with their sister, id think theyd like u

WHGossipgrrl: long story.

BadApple: tea plz

WHGossipgrrl: basically me n my cousin (not quinn, dif cousin, Dolly) were C’s only friends, and we encouraged her to follow her <3 bc she was in love with Dev Darling. Dolces did not like that n kinda blamed us 4 it, tho not directly. They didn’t hurt us like darlings but def hated us after.

BadApple: u know the twins pretty well?

WHGossipgrrl: I mean, not rly. A bit from freshman yr, but they do wut royal says, so shut me out when C died.

BadApple: I’m sorry

WHGossipgrrl: s’ok. Wasn’t close 2 the boys, just C.

BadApple: have u seen those tattoos they have on their arms?

WHGossipgrrl: the Swans?

BadApple: Yes!

WHGossipgrrl: it’s this secret society at WHPA

BadApple: tea?

WHGossipgrrl: idk much abt it. It’s exclusive n old AF. Like, the founders of the school started it. The Midnight Swans. Dolly actually told us abt it. C was trying 2 find out bc thot it had 2 do w Royal kidnapping. Asked colt but he’d never say much.

BadApple: Colt’s in it???

WHGossipgrrl: yeah darlings are OG members. D boys took it over like everything else.

BadApple: how do u get in

WHGossipgrrl: lol

BadApple: srsly

WHGossipgrrl: idk

WHGossipgrrl: I hear it’s boys only

BadApple: damn. Would colt talk 2 me?

WHGossipgrrl: prob not. Vow of secrecy. Plus, he’s not in MS anymore.

BadApple: Is Royal? He doesn’t have the tat

WHGossipgrrl: y don’t u ask him?

BadApple: lol

WHGossipgrrl: I’m not the one 2 ask 4 tea on Royal

BadApple: let me guess. U must mean Gloria n her golden pussy

WHGossipgrrl: Lo is good ppl

BadApple: I kno. Just being jealous bitch

WHGossipgrrl: I know a thing or 2 abt that

I get up and pace. I need info, and now is not the time to be proud. I go to the fridge, but it’s empty as usual. I find a packet of ramen noodles in the cabinet and sit down at the computer again, tearing open the plastic and gnawing on the crunchy noodles before going in again.

BadApple: hey lo

ThatsLo: whats up?

BadApple: Do u know about the boys swan tats?

ThatsLo: I’ve seen them

BadApple: u know what they r right?

ThatsLo: what do u kno?

BadApple: That they’re in a secret society called the Midnight Swans.

ThatsLo: that’s all I kno

BadApple: Is royal in?

ThatsLo: oc

BadApple: y doesn’t he have the tat?

ThatsLo: idk y don’t u ask him?

That’s the second person to tell me that. Of course Royal won’t tell me anything, but he’s probably going to find out I was digging for information on him, anyway. I might as well ask. He and Gloria are buddies, after all, possibly fuck buddies. And I know better than anyone that pillow talk is the only kind of talking Royal Dolce does.

Suddenly, I wonder if he cums with her now that I’ve “fixed” him, and it makes me see red. I swear, I like this chick, but if she’s fucking Royal, I can’t be held responsible for what I’ll do.

BadApple: thx I’ll do that.

ThatsLo: want 2 go to the mall?

BadApple: lol wut?

ThatsLo: u know. Shopping?

BadApple: do ppl still go to malls?

ThatsLo: didn’t u hear? they’re going out of business. Everything’s on sale!

BadApple: the whole mall is going out of business?

ThatsLo: yes!

BadApple: kinda proves my point, doesn’t it?

ThatsLo: come on, I’m bored.

BadApple: u have 2 sisters n a brother

ThatsLo: I c them all the time. N will 4 the next 2 weeks. Plz? U O me a burger, anyway.

ThatsLo: Pllleeeeeeease???

A stupid, giddy smile forms on my face, and I bite my lip and sit up straighter, my fingers hovering above the keyboard. I feel this weird euphoria, like I get when I’m flirting or hanging out with over-the-top girls like Jolene. But Gloria doesn’t like girls, and she’s not flirting or exuberant. She’s bored. It takes me a second to realize what’s making me so giddy. It’s the thrill of connecting with someone, of feeling desirable. Not in a sexual way, but just being a person that someone wants to hang out with, someone worthy of human connection, whose company is desired.

It makes me feel ten kinds of pathetic that someone’s invitation to Faulkner’s lame-ass mall makes me want to squeal like a preteen who just got an answer to the fan mail she sent Just 5 Guys. Not that I was ever that lame. At least I’d never admit I was.

I haven’t been to the mall in five years, though. No one’s ever invited me to walk around the mall with them or even go shopping. Is this what having a friend is like? And if Lo is my friend, I owe Royal so much more than he knows. I feel like a kid who just woke up on Christmas and got the gift she’s always wanted but never really believed she’d get, like a pony or a dad.

ThatsLo: Rly? Ur ghosting me over a $5 burger?

BadApple: not ghosting u

ThatsLo: kidding anyway. I know u don’t have $5.

BadApple: fuck u. I’ll buy u a fucking burger. But aren’t u afraid ppl will c u w/ me? I’m a skank, remember?

ThatsLo: Ur a dolce girl.

BadApple: so suddenly I’m not a whore or slut or trash???

ThatsLo: exactly. Royal would never date a skank.

BadApple: We r not dating

ThatsLo: He took u 2 Cliff’s. That’s where guys take girls they want to impress.

I start to ask how she knows, but I think better of it. Our school is a fucking cesspool of gossip. If she thinks I’m cool because I’m with Royal, I don’t want to shatter her illusion just yet. I’m not about to tell her that Royal was definitely not trying to impress me, since he pretty much forced me to do anal afterwards just to prove a point and degrade me. Just like he took me to a fancy restaurant to prove that he owns me, that he can treat me as well as he feels like at any given moment, because I’m his plaything.

But I don’t want to think about that right now, or how pissed I still get when I think about it. I want to enjoy this moment—the surreal day that I go to the mall with Gloria Walton.

ThatsLo: it doesn’t matter what u were b4. Once ur a dolce girl, ur past is erased. Ur elite now.

BadApple: that’s fucked up

ThatsLo: don’t question it. Enjoy it. I’ll pick u up in 30.

BadApple: k

I finish my ramen noodles and get ready, finding myself agonizing over what to wear more than I do when I’m going to school and the whole student body will be judging, or even when I go meet Royal. This feels like a test, and I want to impress. I even wear makeup. By the time I leave the house, I’m feeling confident as fuck, like I’m looking good and worthy of walking around next to a Walton.

“Is that your dad’s truck?” Gloria asks as she pulls away from the curb.

“My mom’s,” I say, buckling in. “No dad.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, giving me that pitying look that makes me roll my eyes. I forget there are people who think that’s a tragedy.

“It’s fine,” I say. “I never knew him, so I don’t miss him. I barely remember that other people have two parents.”

“Maybe that’s lucky,” she says, turning out of the shitty part of town.

“Royal said something along those lines,” I say, remembering when he said he wished he didn’t know his dad. That’s fucking sad when I think about it. Yeah, his dad is a creeper, but my mom’s no gem, and I’d never say that about her.

“Yeah,” she says, shaking her head. “His dad’s something else.”

“What about you? Is Daddy Dearest in the picture?”

“Of course,” she says, glancing at me from the corner of her eye. “He just stayed back in Georgia to wrap up some business before he joins us, but he’ll be here as soon as he’s done.”

“Didn’t you move here, like, over a year ago?”

“You can’t rush perfection,” she says lightly. “Now, should we shop and then eat, or eat and then shop?”

I know when a conversation is over, so I vote for shopping first. If there’s one thing I recognize, it’s when someone is saving their dignity through avoidance. Hell, I’m a pro at it. It’s why I don’t have close friends. Too many secrets. And Gloria is just one more friend like Blue, someone who won’t share her secrets and with whom I won’t share mine. Even if I wanted to let down my guard and be besties with a Walton, how could I? After all, my secret is that I’m a snitch, spilling the secrets of her best friend to a man who wants to destroy him.

So we shop and eat and laugh, and on the surface, anyone would think we’re two basic bitches raiding the sale racks and leaving messes in the dressing rooms on a Saturday afternoon. For a few hours, even I can almost believe it, can feel normal, have fun and pretend that because we both carry a Dolce Girl label, we’re equals. But I know it’s all an act, that under the surface, we’re nothing alike. Under the surface, she’s a rich girl who worries what people will think when they know her parents are getting a divorce. And I’m a skank from the trailer park who shares lurid details of her sex life online for money.

The only thing we have in common is that we’re both doing what we have to do to survive, even if survival means something completely different for each of us. Maybe that’s why she gets Royal’s secrets, gets in close where I can never go. Because I only walk in his world when he opens the door and indulges me for a moment, making sure I know I’m being allowed the privilege and that there is a price, the way he did when he took me to Cliff’s. Gloria doesn’t need an invitation. She already lives in his world.

A world where you worry about your parents’ marital problems and your dad being an ass instead of not having a dad and worrying about whether you’ll have to turn tricks to pay rent. People in their world always have a way out of town. Doors swing open when they approach. People in my world spend their lives carving doors from their prison walls with teaspoons and paying the guards to look the other way with whatever currency we have, whether it’s lurid sex details or other people’s secrets. That’s why we almost never get out, and why I’m going to be one who does.