Say You’ll Stay by Susan Mallery
CHAPTER NINE
SHAYEENJOYEDWATCHINGLawson interact with his family. The love they shared was obvious, even from a distance. There was plenty of teasing and jokes, but also concern and support. Lawson might be the third in age, but somehow he was the head of the group of siblings. His sisters obviously looked up to him and wanted to know what he thought, and his brothers-in-law considered him a friend.
She liked that. She liked how his mother said what she thought and how his father still chased his mom to steal a few kisses. It was the perfect way to spend a few hours, and while she should have been delighted to be part of things, as the evening progressed she found herself sinking into a bone-crushing sadness that she couldn’t seem to shake.
Yes, being with Lawson was great, and she liked his family, but it wasn’t hers. No matter how many hugs she observed, her parents would never hug her again. She had no siblings, no extended family. At the end of the day, she was completely alone. And while that was awful to think about, risking caring again seemed so much worse. She simply didn’t have it in her to give her heart again and have something bad happen. She couldn’t deal with one more loss.
Having her previous boyfriend behave so badly had hurt her pride and made her feel awful, but her heart hadn’t been touched. He hadn’t had the ability to steal his way inside enough to truly matter. But Lawson was different—she could love him. And then what? What if he didn’t love her back? What if he did, and things progressed, and then he changed his mind? What if he died? What if they couldn’t have children?
There was too much potential for her to be emotionally devastated, and she wasn’t going to go there. Not again. It wasn’t worth it. Better to stay separate and not risk the pain.
With the acceptance of that as her life’s destiny came the need to run. She couldn’t stay here, couldn’t pretend. Only she wasn’t going to tell Lawson the truth—not now. Not like this. So she excused herself from the kitchen and went out back to find him.
He was talking with his father but stepped away as soon as he saw her.
“What’s wrong?”
Because he could read her that well.
“I think I’m getting sick,” she lied, pressing a hand to her stomach. “Maybe something I ate. I don’t know, but I’d like to go home.”
“Of course. Give me one second.”
He returned to his father’s side and spoke to him. Henry glanced at her, his expression concerned, then he handed over a set of keys to his son. Lawson came back to Shaye.
“I’ll drive you,” he said. “It’ll be quicker.” He put his arm around her and guided her through the side yard. “You left your handbag in the living room. We’ll go in through the front to get it.” He gave her a worried smile. “Less questions that way. When I get back, I’ll explain to my mom what happened.”
She came to a stop and looked at him. “I should tell her myself.”
“You don’t want to do that. She’ll grill you about what’s wrong, give a lot of unsolicited advice, and it will take an extra twenty minutes to get out of here.”
“Thank you.”
The smile turned genuine. “Of course.”
He escorted her to the car and quickly delivered her to Kathy’s front door.
“I’m going to check in on you in a few hours,” he said. “I hope that’s okay.”
Because he cared. Because he wanted her to be all right. He really thought she was sick, rather than a coward who was too scared to accept what he offered.
She nodded and quickly escaped, before she confessed her flaws and saw the affection in his eyes change to contempt.
Kathy was gone, and the house was quiet. Shaye hurried up to her bedroom and changed into yoga pants and a T-shirt. She stretched out on the bed, suddenly feeling sick to her stomach—perhaps her body punishing her for the lies.
“I didn’t have a choice,” she whispered into the silence. “Everyone would have been upset.”
She would have ruined the evening. This was better. She would lie low for a while, then end things with Lawson. She only had a few days left at her job. Once that was done, she would leave for Seattle and start over there.
This time she would be smarter. This time she wouldn’t get involved with anyone. She would keep to herself and stay emotionally safe. If she didn’t care, she couldn’t love. Without love, there would be no loss. It was a sensible plan. A lonely one, but that was very little to pay for an intact heart.
TWOHOURSLATER, Shaye received a text from Lawson asking how she was feeling. She couldn’t stand to tell him they were finished just yet, so she said her stomach was much better and asked him to tell his parents how sorry she was to miss out on the dinner.
An hour after that, Kathy knocked on her closed door.
“I heard you weren’t feeling well,” her landlord called from the hallway. “I have chicken soup and Sprite downstairs, if either of those would help.”
Shaye thought about telling her to go away, but knew she couldn’t repay Kathy’s kindness that way. She rose and crossed to the door.
After pulling it open, she said, “I’m feeling a little better. Thank you.”
Kathy looked at her and sighed. “Oh, dear. This isn’t good, is it? Why don’t you come downstairs and tell me what happened?”
Shaye followed dutifully. Once they were in the kitchen, Kathy put water in the kettle and set it on the stove, then started assembling a plate with cheese, crackers and some sliced nectarines. When the tea was ready, she put a mug in front of Shaye, then took a seat at the island.
Shaye nibbled on a piece of cheese to buy time, but eventually she knew she had to speak.
“I miss my mom and dad.”
Kathy nodded slowly. “Of course you do.”
She fought against tears. “We found out about my dad when we got a call from his supervisor, telling us he’d been rushed to the hospital. Thankfully, I was home for spring break. By the time we got to the emergency room, he was gone. It was just so fast, and there was a surreal quality to the whole day. My mom was so quiet, so still until we got home, and then she lost it. She cried for days.”
Shaye wrapped her hands around the hot mug. “That’s what I remember most. Her pain. It was a living creature in the house. She couldn’t function. I arranged the funeral, made the calls. She’d always had health issues, and after my dad passed, she didn’t get out of bed for three days. Finally she got up and tried to help, but then she would start crying.”
Kathy rubbed her back. “That was a lot for you to deal with on your own.”
Shaye nodded. “Her friends helped. Mine didn’t know what to do. No one else had lost a parent, and they mostly hovered. Plus, I’d been living somewhere else since I’d started going to college. I felt disconnected from what was happening, but I knew I couldn’t leave my mom on her own. I left school and my apartment there and moved back home.”
“You were her rock.”
“I tried to be.” She thought about that time. “It was strange to be back, especially with him gone. We just kind of clung to each other, waiting to hurt less. I got a job and reconnected with my high school friends.”
“But you lost the ones you’d made at college. The ones who were more in tune with your future plans.”
Shaye stared at her in surprise. “Yes. How did you know?”
Kathy smiled. “The benefits of age, my dear. I’ve seen a lot. Then your mom left you.”
“It was bad. She hadn’t been feeling well or sleeping. One morning, she wasn’t up, and I was so relieved she’d finally gotten some sleep. Only, when I checked her, she was gone. She’d died in the night.”
She didn’t remember much about that morning. She supposed that was her brain’s way of protecting her from yet another loss.
“I called the paramedics, and they called the coroner. Given her health issues and my dad’s passing, no one was surprised, except for me.” Tears burned. “I didn’t think she’d leave me.”
“You know she didn’t have a choice, right? It’s not like she willed herself to die. You were her only child, and she loved you. She would have stayed if she could.”
“I tell myself that, and most days I believe it.” She looked at Kathy. “I can’t do it again. I can’t survive another broken heart. I don’t have it in me. Lawson is... He’s incredible and wonderful, and I’ll never meet anyone like him again. I know that. I know I’m going to regret losing him, but I can’t deal with any other option. I’m not that strong. I just want to go be by myself. If I don’t care too much, I can’t get hurt. That’s better.”
“Safe,” Kathy said, squeezing her hand. “So much safer. Lonely, but that’s the price you pay.”
Shaye pressed her lips together. “I can’t tell if you’re agreeing with me or humoring me.”
Kathy’s expression was kind. “I understand what you’re feeling, and I know why you’re making the choices you are. I’m not humoring you. I’m sad you’re giving up the chance to have something wonderful in your life based on the assumption that you’re a weak person.”
Shaye pulled back her arm, hurt by the words. “Why would you say that?”
“Because it’s the problem. You just said you’re too weak to handle the pain of loss. At least you know your limitations.”
Shaye didn’t like the sound of that. She wasn’t weak. She’d held it together through the death of both her parents. She’d dealt with their estates, had sold the family home and, when her boyfriend had turned out to be a jerk, had driven across the country, by herself, to start over.
“I’m not weak. I’m not.”
“So, afraid?”
Wrestling with fear sounded better than being weak. “Yes, I’m afraid.”
“Of not being strong enough to handle something bad happening?”
“I guess.” Although not being strong enough sounded an awful lot like being weak. She shifted, uncomfortable with the conversation.
Kathy smiled. “I know you expect me to tell you that you can’t run away from loss, so I’ll just point out that it has a way of finding you, regardless of how well you hide. It’s a part of life.”
Kathy’s gaze locked with hers. “Love is worth it. That I know for sure. Was I devastated when Douglas died? Of course. That pain will be with me always, but it can’t take away the thousands of days we spent together. I’ll always have the laughter, the love, my children and grandchildren. I know you’ve suffered a lot. Having said that, I must tell you you’ve learned the wrong lesson. We can’t hide from life. What’s that old saying? Something about reaching for the stars because even when we fail, we’ve aimed so much higher than we did before.” She smiled. “I have that all wrong, but you know what I’m saying.”
Shaye did, and she didn’t like it one bit. “I’m still leaving,” she said stiffly. “I have to.”
“Then, I won’t try to convince you otherwise, but I do have a request.”
“What?”
“Stay long enough to ride in the classic car parade with me. I’m so grateful for the work you’ve done. I want you to share in the glory. Just stay through the parade. Please.”
Shaye nodded slowly. She would stay for her job and for the parade, and then she would leave. Maybe she was making a mistake. Maybe she would regret it. But right now she had to protect herself, and there was no way to do that if she stayed.
LAWSONSTAREDAThis phone. He’d read the text so many times he had it memorized, but he still looked at it over and over again, as if by sheer will the words would change. Only, they didn’t.
I can’t see you anymore. It’s not for the reasons you think, although I’m not sure that matters. I’m leaving after the car show and moving to Seattle. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Please believe me when I tell you I’m the problem. I’m not who you think.
And that was all. There was no real explanation beyond the cryptic message, no offer to talk or to see him again. Nothing. Just her ending things.
He spent the rest of the day with a knot in his gut. He went through the motions of doing his job, all the while aware that the very thing he’d hoped would happen—he and Shaye falling in love and spending their lives together—was lost forever.
About once every five minutes he took out his phone to call her. About once an hour, he started for his truck to go talk to her. Each time, he stopped himself. She’d made up her mind, and he would respect that. He wasn’t going to try to convince her. That wasn’t his place. He’d learned that very hard lesson with Cori.
The irony was that if she asked him to go with her to Seattle, he would consider the move. He would think about giving up his dream of buying the auto shop, of living close to his family, because being with Shaye was more important than both. But she didn’t ask, and he knew better than to offer.
There was nothing to do but endure the rest of the day, then head home and wait for the worst of the pain to pass. It should only take a couple of years. But even then, he knew he would spend the rest of his life sure that Shaye had been his true soul mate. He didn’t think a guy ever got over something like that.
THEMORNINGOFthe twenty-fifth dawned with a perfect blue sky. By ten, the temperatures were already close to eighty degrees. Shaye sat in the window seat and stared out at the beautiful mountain view. Just one more thing she was going to miss when she left Wishing Tree.
She’d accomplished a lot in not very many days—mostly because she wasn’t sleeping and could work late into the night and start again early. The Mustang was back together and looking glorious with its candy-apple-red paint job.
She’d started the engine two days ago. It had caught immediately and had rumbled just the way it should. There was nothing so satisfying as the growl of a V-8 in a beautiful car.
The moment should have thrilled her—it was the culmination of so much hard work. Only, she’d been alone in the garage. Kathy had been out with friends, and there had been no one else to share her triumph. No one to cheer with, no one to join her on that first drive.
She hadn’t heard from Lawson—not since she’d sent her breakup text, and he’d responded with a gentle I’m sorry, too, but I’ll respect your wishes. You won’t hear from me again. Which was just so like Lawson. He wouldn’t push, he wouldn’t yell. He would simply let her go.
She missed him. Not just with working on the car but in every other way possible. She missed seeing him and thinking about seeing him. She missed laughing with him and having him kiss her. She missed them. And while she was thinking about missing things, she was also missing Paisley and Dena. She’d been a total coward and had joined them for dinner without mentioning that she was planning on leaving. A truth that made her feel small, but she hadn’t been able to face the questions and the hurt she knew she would see in their eyes.
Instead she’d lied to them, then had gone home and cried herself to sleep.
Leaving hurt. She was already packed and had loaded most of her things in her truck. But every trip downstairs had been like a blow to her heart. She would miss Kathy and the house and her room. She would miss her job and the silly town.
She stood and gave the room one last check to make sure she hadn’t forgotten anything. Once she got to Seattle, she would feel better. Once she started her new life, she could forget about this one. She would get used to being lonely. The alternative was to...to...
She stood in the middle of the bedroom, trying to figure out what the alternative was. To care? To risk losing again? Did she really want that? Was it worth it?
“Shaye, it’s time.”
Kathy’s voice drifted through the open door. Shaye grabbed her purse and stepped out on the landing, then carefully closed the door behind her. She was done. There was no going back. Only forward.
THECLASSICCARparade was bigger—or possibly longer—than Shaye had expected. There were at least three dozen entries. Everything from a sputtering Model T to an elegant 1934 Buick Eight to an iconic 1955 T-Bird, made famous in the old movie American Graffiti.
The lineup was arranged by the owners drawing a number from a hat. Kathy’s Mustang was number fifteen, right in the middle of the parade. Kathy had arranged for the car to be driven by a very excited high-school senior whose hands practically trembled as he ran his fingers along her glossy hood.
“She’s a sweet ride, Mrs. Vieira.”
“Thanks, Elliot. I think so, too. Shaye here finished the restoration my husband had started.”
Elliot’s face showed his shock, but he managed to nod and say “You did a great job.”
“Thank you.”
“We’ll be riding in back,” Kathy said, pointing to the car. “And aren’t the booster seats clever? See how they get locked in with the seat belts? And there’s a place for us to hang on. We’ll be up a bit and able to wave at the little people.”
Despite her heavy heart, Shaye laughed. “The little people?”
Kathy grinned. “You know. The ones who can only watch us sail by.”
Shaye and Kathy climbed into the back seat and strapped themselves in. The booster seat was secure, but Shaye felt like she was riding a camel. Still, she was determined to enjoy her last day in Wishing Tree. When the parade was over, she was leaving town.
Elliot started the engine, then flashed her a grin. “I love this car.”
“Me, too,” Shaye admitted.
They waited a few minutes, then the car in front began to move.
The parade route started and finished in The Wreath. They went north on West Mistletoe Way, by the park that had the ice-skating rink in winter, along Red Cedar Highway and around to String of Lights Park, then back to The Wreath.
Crowds lined the entire route, and right away Shaye saw people she knew. That nice couple from Nevada, the ones who’d been buying lunch from her for the past three days and tipped so well, waved and called out to her. A block later she saw Paisley, who hooted as Shaye drove by. She saw Dena with an older couple. Her parents, Shaye guessed. They looked happy together.
She saw families she recognized by sight if not name and dozens of tourists. Everyone was smiling and waving, having a wonderful time on the beautiful summer day. Everyone but her.
The more they drove, the worse she felt. Her body was heavy with sadness, and she was finding it harder and harder to breathe. She didn’t want to give this up. Not any of it. She wanted to stay and be a part of the town. She wanted Christmas in July and then Thanksgiving and the entire month of December. She wanted to see the giant Advent calendar and be there when the first snow fell. She wanted friends and something more than being alone for the rest of her life.
By String of Lights Park she heard a familiar voice and saw the entire Easley clan, including Henry and Norma, waving frantically and calling out to her.
“You’ll have to come back for dinner,” Norma yelled. “We miss you.” Norma frowned. “Are you crying? Shaye, what’s wrong?”
Shaye touched her cheek and found it was wet with tears. She was crying, and she had no idea why. The only thing she knew for sure was she had to find Lawson before it was too late.
“He’s waiting at The Wreath,” Kathy said softly. “I asked him to be there when we got back.”
Shaye stared at her. “Why would you do that?”
“Because I don’t believe in giving up hope.”
Shaye leaned over and hugged her friend. “What was I thinking?”
“You were alone and afraid. You thought you didn’t have anyone, but you were wrong. You have us, Shaye. We’re going to be your family for the rest of your life. You’ll see. It’s going to be wonderful.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now, wave to the nice people.”
Shaye gave a strangled laugh and turned back to the crowd. She waved and waited, aware of how painfully slow the parade was going. Finally she couldn’t stand it any longer.
“Let me out,” she told Elliot. “Stop the car. I’ll run the rest of the way.”
Elliot did as she requested. Shaye fumbled with the seat belt, then scrambled out and started running. She cut across Noble Street and down Gingerbread Lane, entering The Wreath from the north.
The crowd had grown, but she was undeterred. She hurried to the finish line and scanned the faces until she found the one that filled her heart with so much love, she knew she would never feel empty or alone again.
“Lawson!”
She ran toward him. He turned and saw her. Their eyes locked, and for a second she saw how much he’d been hurting and what she’d done to him. Then his expression brightened, and he was running toward her.
“I’m sorry,” she said, pressing her hands to his chest. “I’m sorry. I was so wrong. I was scared, and I let that fear define me. It wasn’t you, it was me. I didn’t think I could handle one more loss. Only, I got it wrong. Love gives you strength. Love is what makes life worth living. You offered me so much more than I could have ever imagined, but I didn’t see it that way.”
She paused. “I’m not making any sense, am I? I just want you to know I was wrong to think leaving was the answer. It’s not. I want to stay. I want to make my life here in Wishing Tree, and I’m hoping you’ll still want to go out with me. I think we have something special between us, and I want to see where it goes.”
He smiled at her, a handsome, sexy smile full of promise and hope and something that looked at lot like love—not that she was going to assume anything.
“I’m in love with you,” he said simply.
Her heart fluttered, and her knees went weak. “I love you, too.”
“Then, you want to get dinner later?”
She laughed and threw herself at him. He caught her and held her like he was never going to let her go.