Reckless by Hannah Howell

18

Edinburgh. Ailis shivered despite the summer heat and cursed the word, the place, and the fact that she was there. Just as Alexander had said they would, they had gone to Leargan to be sure all was in order, then had gone on to Edinburgh. He reminded her that he had made the journey to Edinburgh at the same time every year. It was something that Malcolm had clearly known about when he had extracted the promise from her. Even then he had known when and where he would extract payment from her.

She cautiously looked at the man sprawled asleep at her side, his long, tautly muscled arm flung across her waist. Ever since the final battle with her kinsmen and the MacCordys, she and Alexander had been growing slowly, warily closer. His bitterness was nearly gone, the hateful remarks no more than a bad memory. She should have been filled with hope, her heart light as she worked to pull more than passion from her husband. For the first time since he had dragged her off to Rathmor, he was open to her, could be reached, perhaps even brought to love her, but she could do nothing about it. If nothing else, it would be inordinately cruel to grab for his love now that it was within her reach when she knew that she would have to betray him.

And I may as well hurry and do the deed, she thought as she eased herself out of bed and reached for her gown.

In the afternoon she and Alexander had wandered through the town, and there had been Malcolm. They had paused to be cordial, and Ailis passed a few awkward words with a quietly sad Giorsal. It had been made subtlely clear by Malcolm that he awaited the fulfillment of the promise she had made.

At first Ailis had given serious thought to postponing keeping her end of that infamous bargain. There had never been any particular time mentioned. Then she had seen that for the foolishness that it was. The bargain would not fade away. Malcolm would not disappear. Ailis knew she had to face the consequences of her promise and do so now. There was also the matter of the new, still changing relationship between her and Alexander. At last he was opening his heart to her, offering her chance after chance to stir far more than his lust, but she was now the one who held back. She would not be so cruel as to take whatever she craved from Alexander when she knew that she was doomed to betray him. If she did that, then she would be no better than the women who had left him such a scarred and bitter man.

“He will think I am no better than they were anyway,” she mused to herself as she finished lacing up her gown.

Her heart beating fast and hard, Ailis slipped out of the room she shared with Alexander. She kept a very close eye on him, watching him for any sign of his waking up. To her relief he did not move at all. As softly as she could, she shut the door behind her.

In the outer hallway she found the candle and flint she had tucked into a niche just outside the door. The light it provided was very meager, but she felt more confident about getting out of the small manor house without incident. She briefly wished that Moragh had traveled to Edinburgh with them, for she would have dearly loved to see her child one last time. Ailis knew that once she fulfilled her bargain with Malcolm Alexander would not want her any longer, and his rejection would assuredly mean the loss of her child as well.

“At least I had one last night with Alexander,” she whispered as she slipped out of the house and hoped that the thought would be one to cheer her in later years.

 

Jaime cursed and slipped out of the house to follow Ailis. He knew exactly where she was going. Several times since she had made the bargain, he had tried to talk her out of keeping it. There was no honor in such a deal; therefore, there was none lost in refusing to fulfill the terms. Unfortunately, Ailis did not see it that way. She had agreed to a price for saving her child and herself, and she would pay the price.

He kept out of sight behind her as she made her way toward Malcolm MacCordy’s residence. Although he could not stop Ailis, Jaime knew she might need protection going to and from the houses. He also knew that she would need help when it was all over. She would be heartbroken and would probably have to get away from the MacDubhs, either because Alexander told her to or because her own guilt would torment her into doing so. Either way she would need him. Jaime just hoped that, wherever his allegiance to Ailis led him, it was not too far away from the MacDubhs and Kate.

 

Alexander waited until the door shut behind Ailis, then swiftly got up and got dressed. He stepped over to the window as he buckled on his sword, carefully keeping just behind the drape, and watched the street below. When he saw Ailis creep along the road back into town, he cursed. He was just about to go after her when he saw a shadowy figure trailing her. At first he tensed, fear for Ailis’s safety briefly swamping his jealousy and fury. Then he recognized the man. The large shape became a familiar one.

“Ah, the ever-diligent Jaime,” he muttered, then hurried out of the house, rushing to fall into step behind the pair before they disappeared into the narrow streets of town.

It was difficult for Alexander to remain as no more than a man in pursuit, following and attempting to learn exactly what was going on. It had taken a while to understand that something existed between Ailis and Malcolm. He had not wanted to see it, had not wanted to know anything about it, but some things were too hard to ignore. The meeting with Malcolm in the market square had finally forced him to open his eyes.

No matter how many times he told himself not to let the pain of the past taint his judgments, he could not help but believe he was about to be betrayed again. Each step he took as he followed Ailis confirmed his opinion that she was slipping away to meet Malcolm. Nothing he could think of could excuse it, and nothing stilled the pain. Alexander was astonished at how much it hurt.

 

Ailis held her cloak snugly around herself even though she did not feel any cold. For a long time she stood in front of Malcolm’s studded door unable to rap. A little wildly she thought of every possible solution to her dilemma and, as had always happened before, found that none really offered her an answer. As she knocked on the door, she felt as if her heart had suddenly been weighted with leads.

Ailis heard Malcolm at the door and shuddered. He opened the door, looked around, and gently took her by the hand and pulled her into the house.

* * *

Alexander paused to watch her rap on Malcolm’s door, then go inside. Jaime moved in the narrow alley to the right of the house, and Alexander decided to follow him. He wanted to storm into the place and put the fear of God into the both of them. As he stepped up behind Jaime, he mused that he would like to put more than fear into Malcolm MacCordy—he would like to insert a length of cold, well-honed steel into the man’s gullet. He moved up behind Jaime and waited for the man to stop peering in the open window and notice that he was no longer alone. A cold smile curved Alexander’s mouth when Jaime finally turned, his eyes widening.

“Ye ken it all,” Jaime whispered.

“What I ken is that my wife is meeting her lover, and ye are aiding her.”

“Nay! Nay, that isna true.”

“Dinna lie for her. Be silent and let me see the truth for myself.” He continued to stand just behind Jaime and watch as Malcolm and Ailis entered the room, sat down, and began to share a drink of wine. The slightly open window allowed him to hear every traitorous word. He swore that he would hold calm, would learn exactly what was happening before he broke it up.

 

Malcolm led Ailis into the small great hall and silently urged her into a high-backed chair at a heavy round table. When he poured them each some wine, then sat down near to her, she did not know whether to weep or throw the sweet liquid at him. He was being so hospitable even as he prepared for a night that would utterly destroy her.

“Where is Giorsal?” she asked, thinking that the girl was yet another person she would be forced to betray and hurt.

“I told the girl to stay to her own quarters. She has plagued me about this since the day I saved ye and your child.”

“Ye need not remind me of all ye have done for me, Malcolm. I am quite aware of it. ‘Tis the only reason I am here.”

He slumped in his chair and frowned at her. “Ye could look less like ye are about to set your neck upon the chopper’s block. Ye arena going to an execution, merely repaying an honorable debt.”

“There is nothing honorable about this! Nothing at all!”

“Mayhaps not.” Malcolm leaned toward her, took her hand in his, and pressed a kiss to her palm. “Yet, that need not stop it from giving us each some pleasure.”

“ ‘Twill give ye death,” Alexander muttered from his hiding place outside, and he started toward the window.

Jaime quickly grabbed him, holding him firmly. “Hold. Dinna intrude now, m’laird.”

“Do ye think I should hold back until they are locked in an embrace?” he hissed but ceased to struggle.

“Just listen. I beg of ye. Just listen.” Jaime kept a firm grip on Alexander even when the man calmed down.

“For a wee bit longer. No more. And if this is truly no more than some adulterous tangle—ye will pay dearly for this impertinence.”

“Fair enough.” Jaime prayed that the truth would be said aloud.

“Pleasure?” Ailis laughed bitterly and shook her head. “Ye find pleasure in betrayal?”

“Ye see betrayal,” Malcolm grumbled. “I see naught but a bargain made and kept.”

“What bargain?” demanded Alexander, careful to keep his voice low so as not to alert the ones he and Jaime spied upon.

“Hush and listen.”

“I think ye grow mighty impertinent,” Alexander said, but he did hush. Something about the agitation in Jaime’s demeanor told him to try and be calm, to listen and watch before acting.

“And ye have no intention of releasing me from it, do ye?” asked Ailis, already sure of his answer.

“Nay. Do ye think I would demand such a thing if I didna want it very badly, indeed? Aye, I ken what ye think about MacCordys, but we werena—arena—all so depraved. However, I found that I wanted ye badly enough to stoop low, indeed.”

“Even to demanding that I break sacred vows, play the whore for ye, to save the life of my child?”

“Aye, even to that.” Malcolm finished his wine in one deep gulp, then refilled his tankard. A somewhat sullen expression settled on his handsome face.

Jaime felt a distinct change in Alexander’s stance and, even in the dark, could see the arrested look upon the man’s face. With continued caution he eased his hold on the Laird of Rathmor. When all Alexander did was to turn and look at him, Jaime breathed an inner sigh of relief.

“This was some sort of bargain made for my son’s life?” Alexander could not believe what he was hearing.

“Aye.” Jaime nearly retreated from the look of fury upon Alexander’s face and was concerned about whom that fury would be visited upon.

“Tell me exactly what the bargain was. Now!” he demanded when Jaime hesitated.

“That Malcolm would do all he could to save her and her child if she promised to spend one night with him.”

“And Ailis agreed to that?” Alexander was not sure who he wanted to strike down most—Malcolm for being such a dishonorable rogue or Ailis for being so foolish as to think that she had to keep such a bargain.

“What choice did she have?” Jaime argued. “She was wet to the bone, tired, and about to give birth. Aye, and Donald MacCordy himself was close at hand. There didna seem to be any other choice to be made.”

Alexander felt a sharp stab of pain penetrate his anger. He could so easily see poor Ailis—wet, exhausted, and in the most vulnerable state any woman can be in. Jaime had been there to help her, but he had his limitations. Alexander had always deeply regretted that he had not been there to help her instead was stuck at Rathmor. Now that he realized what situations she had gotten into, he regretted it even more. He also ached to make Malcolm MacCordy pay dearly for forcing Ailis into such a deal. When he took a step toward the window intending to pacify his need for action, Ailis began to speak again, and he paused. While a great part of him felt that he had learned all he needed to know, a small part craved more.

“Why, Malcolm?” she asked. “Why even ask this of me? Why demand of me something I was not willing to give ye freely? Surely ye can get all the women ye need? Ye shouldna have to threaten or coerce a woman into pleasing your lusts.”

“Nay, I dinna have to, but they canna give me what ye can.”

“What? What do ye think I can give ye? I have all the same parts any woman does.”

Malcolm cursed and raked his fingers through his hair. “ ‘Tisna the parts. I can buy the cursed parts for a ha’penny. ‘Tis what ye have in here.” He lightly struck his broad chest with his fist. “ ‘Tis what ye give that thrice-cursed MacDubh.”

“I can never give ye that, Malcolm,” she said in a solemn voice.

“Oh, I ken that he has a bonny face and a sweet tongue—“

“Aye, his face is bonny, so bonny it can make me feel dim-witted when I look at it, for it so completely scatters my thought. I dinna think there is a bonnier man in all of Scotland. However, ‘tis just a face when all is said and quiet. It could be burned or scarred into real ugliness in but a blinking. It makes very little difference to how I do and dinna feel for the man. As for a sweet tongue”—she laughed—“the man lost that skill years ago, and it hasna returned in much strength. I hear few sweet words from him.”

“Yet I can see, I can sense, that ye give him such fire. That fire is what I want from ye.”

“I canna give it to ye. It comes from the heart of me, and although I think we might someday be friends, I have no room in my heart for another lover.” She shook her head. “Ye mean to take everything from me, and yet willna even gain what ye seek.”

“Everything? What do ye mean, I will take everything from ye? I ask for but one night.”

“And what happens come the dawn?” Ailis wondered how the man could be so blind to her feelings.

“Ye go back to the man with the bonniest face in all of Scotland, and all is forgotten.”

“Ye mean go back and lie.”

“Ye wouldna tell him, would ye?” Malcolm asked with shock softening his voice.

“I wouldna have to say anything. He would be able to tell. There would be a change in me. I would ken what secret lay between us, and I fear I would hold it there. I would forever feel that he would find out that I had betrayed him. I would also feel soiled, and ‘tisna because it was ye who touched me, but because some other man had touched me—any other man. That, too, would come between Alexander and me. I dinna think I can explain it. What ye ask for I can only give to Alexander MacDubh.”

Malcolm leaned nearer to her, gently cupped the back of her head in his hand and pulled her face closer to his. “Then pretend that I am your precious Alexander.” He touched his mouth to hers.

Ailis was just thinking that, despite how it could destroy her life, she at least did not find Malcolm’s touch completely repulsive. Then he tensed. She waited for him to continue the kiss, but he slowly pulled away instead. She opened her eyes and gasped at what she saw. Alexander stood beside them with his swordpoint hard up against Malcolm’s throat. Ailis felt all the color leave her face as she leaned back and looked into his fury-bright eyes.

“So, my wife, this is why ye had such an interest in Edinburgh?” Alexander knew Ailis had done no real wrong, but seeing her being kissed by Malcolm had stirred his jealousy.

Before Ailis could reply, there was a soft cry of alarm and Giorsal raced into the room. The girl pushed aside a startled Alexander, then placed herself between him and Malcolm. Giorsal was deathly pale and trembling, but she stood firm, determined to protect the man she loved.

“Giorsal, are ye mad?” complained Malcolm, but when he grasped her by her tiny waist to push her away, he found that she was not so easy to move. “Lass, ye are not to concern yourself with this.”

“Not concern myself?” Giorsal snapped, surprising Malcolm into speechlessness. “Who do ye think will be left to bury ye if ye get yourself killed trying to steal something ye can never have?”

“I regret to say that I willna be killing the man,” Alexander said, sheathing his sword, then taking Ailis by the arm and tugging her to her feet. “I should very much like to, but I do owe him a life. So, now I give him his.” He turned to Jaime, who stood quietly behind him, and gently nudged Ailis toward him. “Take my foolish wife home.”

“Alexander—“ Ailis began as Jaime took her by the arm and started to leave.

“We will talk at home.”

Ailis felt her heart contract and just nodded, allowing Jaime to lead her away. If she were not so despondent, so close to weeping, she could almost laugh, although the humor that prompted it was a bitter one. She had not done what she had agreed to, but she was going to pay the penalty anyway. It was the cruelest of jests.

The moment Ailis left, Alexander looked at Malcolm, and despite his fury at the man, he had to smile. An extremely irritated Malcolm sat shielded by the tiny Giorsal, who refused to be moved. When it came to women, Malcolm was clearly as blind as Alex himself had been.

“Ye survive this insult, Malcolm, because of what I owe ye. There will be no second chance.”

“Your wife wouldna give him one anyway,” said Giorsal.

Alexander smiled. “Nay, I ken it.” He grew serious as he looked at Malcolm again. “I canna deride ye as much as I would like, for I have played the fool a lot lately. But, heed me in this, Malcolm MacCordy, if ye would but consider it for a moment, I believe ye have been trying to steal what is already nearly sitting in your lap.” He heard Giorsal gasp and gave the girl a brief wink before he walked away.

As he strode back to his own home, Alexander wondered how he was to deal with Ailis. He had stepped so wrong so often that he no longer felt confident about his own decisions. He could not believe that he had once dared to counsel his friends about how to deal with their wives. If they could see him now, they would have a hearty laugh. Alexander prayed that this confrontation would force him and Ailis both to speak with an honesty they desperately needed.

 

Ailis sat on the bed in the chambers she shared with Alexander, wondering if she should even be there. As she listened to him approach the room, she stiffened her spine, determined to speak up for herself. She did not really believe that she would be allowed to defend herself or that she would even be believed, but she had to try. When Alexander strode into the room and looked at her, she felt her courage falter badly.

“So, ye made a bargain with Malcolm MacCordy.” Alexander stood right in front of her, his hands on his hips.

“Aye.” Ailis looked up at his stern face and inwardly sighed. She knew that his outer beauty was not why she loved him, but she was going to sorely miss it when she could no longer look upon it. “I needed shelter. There was a price Malcolm demanded for it—one night with me. Since without that protection my child was doomed, I agreed to the demand.”

“Did it ever occur to ye to ignore it, that ye didna have to fulfill such a promise?”

“It was what bought our son’s life. I had to pay the price.”

Alexander shook his head as he sat down beside her and yanked off his boots. “I think a part of ye is aware that it was a price ye didna have to pay. It was one of those demands ye could agree to to save your life, then scorn when ye are free. What was Malcolm to do if ye said nay? He could tell no one about the bargain without shaming himself, not ye. He certainly couldna come and complain to me that ye had refused to honor a debt.”

“Are ye trying to say that I went there because I wanted to bed him?”

“Nay, not at all. I just think that ye thought too much on how he had saved Moragh’s life.”

“Well, mayhaps,” she mumbled, suddenly unsure of herself. “I thought honor demanded it.”

“There is no honor in meeting dishonorable demands.”

“So, I have lost everything and for no good reason at all.”

“Lost everything?” Alexander stared at her in confusion.

“Aye, ye and the baby.”

“Might I ask where Moragh and I are going?” Alexander knelt by her feet and removed her shoes despite her look of confusion.

“I betrayed ye, Alexander. Ye have never made a secret about how ye feel about women who betray ye.” She wanted to leave before she began to cry, but he was now undoing her hastily pinned-up hair, idly tossing the bone hairpins aside as he pulled them out. “I had so wanted to change your mind about women, to show ye that not all of us are bad and that there are still those ye can trust.” She gave a startled cry when Alexander suddenly straightened up, caught her up under the arms, and lifted her up until they were face to face.

“Do ye ken how many women I have had in my life, Ailis?”

“Thousands?” she grumbled, wondering why he had to remind her of his profligate past now.

“Aye—thousands. And of all of those thousands I have never been left so utterly confused as I have so often been by ye.”

“Confused? By me?”

“Aye. By ye. Utterly confounded and puzzled.”

He gently tossed her down onto the bed and then pinned her there. Ailis wondered how he could call her confusing when he was acting so strangely. Alexander should be sending her away, throwing her out, yet he was taking her clothes off. He was, in fact, not acting as if he felt betrayed or even particularly angry.

“I have betrayed ye, yet ye are acting as if naught has happened,” she muttered, her words faintly distorted by her chemise as Alexander tugged it off of her.

“Ye havena betrayed me.” Once Ailis was naked, Alexander sat back on his haunches to savor the sight of her before taking off the rest of his own clothes.

“I went to Malcolm.”

“Ye didna bed down with him.”

“I was going to. That was the price asked.” She shivered when he eased his naked body back into her arms.

“For Moragh’s life. Do ye think me such a little man that I would fault ye for doing anything and everything ye needed to do to keep our son alive? I can find a few faults in your thinking, but none in your motive. I ken what fears drove ye to it. How can I condemn ye when I ken full well I could sell my soul to the devil himself if it would buy our child even one more day of life?”

He gave her such a fierce kiss Ailis could only cling to him and return it. She felt the first stirrings of hope since the day she had agreed to Malcolm’s demand. Then she lost all ability to think as he made slow, passionate love to her. With his every kiss and touch, he cherished her, stirred her. There was not a place upon her body that did not tingle from the touch of his lips or fingers, that was not deeply warmed by his passion. She felt as if he paid her some high honor. When he finally joined their bodies, she was already crying out with need for him. Ailis clung to him with all the strength her ardor could produce as he eased into her. She continued to hold on tightly as he took her to a blinding release, which left her weak and trembling, a release enriched by Alexander’s sharing it with her.

“Does this mean that I can stay with ye?” she finally asked, smiling when he chuckled.

“Aye,” Alexander replied. “Ailis, what is it that ye canna give Malcolm that ye can give me?”

“Love,” she answered, then gasped.

Ailis groaned and closed her eyes, embarrassed by her own stupidity. She had answered without thought, simply blurted out the truth. In one small word she had opened herself up completely, and yet she had no idea of what Alexander would do with such information or how he would even react to it. She was not sure that the way she could feel him grinning against her skin was a particularly good sign.

“Poor Ailis, ye really didna want to say that, did ye?” He propped himself up on his elbows to smile at her.

“ ‘Tis none of your business.” She was becoming irritated by his intense good humor, yet was curious as to the why of it.

“None of my business? Ye dinna believe I should ken how my wife feels about me?”

“Not when ye trick the declaration out of her.”

“Ah.” He brushed a kiss over her mouth. “Ye need not look so wary, dearling. No harm is done.”

“Nay? I am now laid bare to ye—heart, soul, and body. Where is what ye offer me? When do ye shed your armor?”

“I have been a guarded man, havena I?” He idly brushed a few wisps of hair from her face and wondered if she had any idea of how beautiful she was—in face, form, and nature.

“Aye, and what few things ye have said havena exactly been revealing or, at times, endearing.”

“Nay, and rebuke deserved. Ah, Ailis, I think I kenned from the beginning that ye werena like the others. Nay, none of the others, even before betrayal after betrayal had soured my nature and hardened my heart. In truth, I believe ‘tis why I treated ye so harshly at times. Even after I ceased to be so bitter, I pushed ye away.” He lightly traced the shape of her face with his fingertips. “I could see how dangerous ye would be. However, it wasna until I thought I had lost ye to the MacCordys and your kin that I accepted how much a part of my life ye had become.”

“Ye missed me?” Ailis was surprised she still had the power to talk, she was so stunned by Alexander’s words.

“Words canna say how much, which didna please me much, but I soon grew accustomed to that. ‘Twas as I watched ye go to Malcolm that I finally saw the whole truth. The thought of ye going to another man cut me in such a way that I could no longer lie to myself. Sometime during all the months I fought ye, I had lost the battle.”

“Are ye saying that ye do care for me?” she whispered.

“In ways ‘twill be hard to say,” he replied in as soft a voice.

“Well—try.” She smiled fleetingly when he chuckled, then held his gaze, not daring to believe the soft look in his beautiful eyes.

“Ah, lass, I love ye.” He laughed when she exuberantly hugged him.

Ailis tried to hug him with every part of her. She also tried not to cry. Emotion so choked her that she could only stare at him, touching his face with trembling fingers.

“I have never dared hope that ye would return my love, Alexander,” she finally said. “ ‘Twill be a while ere I dare to really believe it.”

He picked up each of her hands, then pressed a kiss into each of her palms. “Believe it.” He touched a kiss to the tip of her nose. “We were fated, lass. I needed ye to save me from a complete darkness of spirit.”

“And I needed ye in so many ways ‘twill take years to tell ye of all of them.”

“Well, we have years now, dearling. Aye, my bonny dark wife, we shall have many a glorious year.” He smiled. “Until I am withered and balding and ready for the cold clay.”

“I am sure your headstone will read ‘Still the bonniest man in all of Scotland.’ Even if ye are a hundred ere ye need it.”

“And ye shall be kenned as, ‘The one dearest to his heart.’ “

“Can ye love a wee brown lass till death do us part?” She twined her arms about his neck and tugged his mouth down to hers.

“Dearling, the love I have for ye canna be dimmed even by death’s cold touch.”

“Then—for once, my fine golden knight—we shall tread the same path.”