Always the Widow by Emily E.K. Murdoch

Chapter Thirteen

The instant Elizabeth opened her eyes, she reached out for Jacob Beauvale.

The movement was so instinctive she barely thought about it, despite the fact this had been the first time Jacob had stayed overnight. The memories of his body moving against hers, of the loving way he looked at her, all of her, echoed in her mind.

She smiled, blonde hair tangled and untamed. He loved her. After all these weeks and months wondering, holding back her desires, in the end, it did not matter, for he loved her. And she loved him.

The strange thing was, there was still so much unspoken between them, so much unresolved. How were they to be together? Jacob had not said a word about Miss Worsley. Elizabeth had not thought to ask. A gentleman does not clamber into bed with one woman whilst still intending to maintain his engagement to another…did he?

No. Jacob would not have said he loved her, made love to her, and stayed by her side all night if he did not have loyal intentions toward her.

Elizabeth sat up straighter, eyes blinking in the darkness. It was as though she had dreamed the entire thing.

A prickle of concern tightened around her heart. As her eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, she noticed her bedchamber door was slightly ajar. When Jacob had left, he had evidently not locked it.

So why had the nursemaid not moved Beau back in with her? It was how they had always done it; giving Elizabeth the first part of the night to sleep and the second half a chance to suckle her child.

Heart starting to flutter painfully, Elizabeth found her breathing more labored. For the first time in his short life, she did not know where her son was.

Perhaps the nursemaid had not bothered to bring him. Perhaps Beau had, for the first time, slept through the night. It was not impossible.

But it did not ring true to her heart. A terrible thought, one she was attempting to ignore, was starting to shout louder in her mind.

Could Jacob…would Jacob have taken Beau?

Where would they go? How would he explain the sudden presence of a baby in his life to those in town? Or wouldn’t it matter? Could Jacob have just grabbed Beau, bundled him into his carriage, and made off for his London residence?

This was madness,Elizabeth told herself as she rose from the bed and, with shaking fingers, reached for her dressing gown. Panic was hardly a reasonable response. She loved Jacob, and he was, after all, Beau’s father.

She needed to stay calm.Her fingers fumbled at the cord around her dressing gown as she attempted to tie it.

Calm thoughts, she scolded herself as she abandoned all attempts to tie up the dressing gown and paced toward the door.

Beau could be anywhere in the house. Maybe he had not settled, and his nursemaid had taken him downstairs—that could be it. Perhaps—

As she rushed down the staircase, Elizabeth breathed a sigh of relief before she had even reached the bottom step. She could already hear the happy gurgling of her baby.

Following the sounds of the giggling, Elizabeth crept her way through the sleepy house and eventually found herself in the kitchen.

“My lady!” Molly, the nursemaid, smiled in surprise to see her mistress down in the servants’ quarters. “I do apologize if I woke you.”

“Is Beau quite well?” was Elizabeth’s only response.

The nursemaid, a stout woman of over fifty, nodded with a smile as she removed a small saucepan from the heat.

“I knew you would not mind if I availed myself of a little milk,” she said. “I thought Elmore looked hungry this morning and, as he is now coming up to four months, I thought milk and water would do him good. I can do you some warm milk if you would like.”

She added the last sentence as she took a closer look at Elizabeth. Elizabeth ignored the hint of exhaustion in her eyes and reached for her child.

As she pulled Beau into her arms and felt the comforting weight of him, she closed her eyes and forced down the tears.

It was madness, madness to allow such panic to rise in her soul so quickly—but the thought, the very idea that he could have been taken from her!

“Th-Thank you,” she managed to say without her voice cracking. “That was an excellent idea, Molly.”

The nursemaid smiled happily. “Well, if I don’t know how to look after a child after all these years, I wouldn’t be worth my salt, would I, m’lady?”

Elizabeth shook her head, unable to speak as she clutched her child. Well, that explained the second mystery of the morning, but the first was still unsolved.

Where was Jacob?

“There…” Elizabeth swallowed before attempting to phrase the question. A few maids were starting to come downstairs, tying their aprons with sleepy faces—eyes widening in shock as they saw their mistress in their kitchen. “There was nothing amiss with my bedchamber this morning, was there?”

The nursemaid was concentrating on pouring the warm milk and water. “Amiss? No, m’lady, but if I am honest, I only peeked my head in to see whether you were awake or no.”

Elizabeth’s stomach twisted. Peeked in? Did that mean…had she seen Jacob? How would she explain?

“And right in the land of nod, you were,” Molly said happily. “I would say you were fair petered out yesterday. Did you sleep well, m’lady?”

Unable to speak, Elizabeth only nodded. Thank goodness. Jacob must have departed far earlier than she had thought. It still did not explain why he had disappeared in the middle of the night, not after such a wonderful evening.

“Ah, my lady, there you are.”

Elizabeth turned, Beau still in her arms, to see her butler smiling. “Linscott.”

“Good morning, my lady, and young master,” he said with a bow.

Elizabeth had to work to keep from laughing. Of all her servants, it was Linscott who had surprised her the most after Beau’s arrival.

Though still formal, the arrival of a new Howard—albeit one who could barely hold up his own head—had wrought the greatest transformation on her butler. The older man was besotted with him.

Elizabeth remembered something the nursemaid had said. Linscott had been married years ago and had a daughter—but she had died, tragically, in childbirth.

“Good morning,” she said.

“I wished to let you know that your guest has just gone to check on his horse,” said the butler smoothly.

It was fortunate that at that very moment, Molly had reached out for Beau. Elizabeth almost dropped him into her arms.

“My…my guest?”

Linscott nodded. “Yes, Jacob Beauvale, Lord Westray.”

Elizabeth could hardly breathe. A few of the undermaids were looking round most curiously, and little wonder. Their mistress had that gentleman stay last night—and no one else knew?

“Lord W-Westray?” she stammered.

“Yes, I spoke with him this morning after discovering him in the Japanese room, and he explained everything,” said the butler smoothly. “He explained how, after a late conversation with you, he decided it was too late to return to Bath, and you kindly offered him the use of the spare room. That is right, isn’t it, my lady?”

Heart thoroughly exercised for the day, Elizabeth grasped at the excuse. “Yes—yes, Lord Westray did not think a long ride would be a good idea. The Japanese room. Yes.”

He had been clever,Elizabeth realized. Expecting servants in the early hours, Jacob must have crept out of her bedchamber and found the furthest one from hers.

Anything to alleviate suspicion. What an outstanding explanation—she certainly would have struggled to think of a better.

“Yes, that is precisely what happened,” she said aloud, perhaps too firmly. “Thank you, Linscott.”

“Not at all, my lady, not at all,” said the butler with a smile. “Shall I serve breakfast now?”

Elizabeth’s stomach gurgled as she realized just how hungry she was. Why, with all the distraction that Jacob had proved to be last night, neither of them had had dinner or supper.

“Yes, breakfast would be excellent—and I will take Elmore in with me,” she said, reaching for her son.

“I will carry the milk and water up for you now, my lady,” the nursemaid started to say, but Elizabeth cut across her.

“Thank you, and then you may go and rest. You must be exhausted.”

Molly shrugged with a grin. “You know, you would think so, being up so much at night, but actually—”

“I insist,” said Elizabeth firmly as she started walking toward the kitchen door. “Thank you all. Carry on.”

It was with a slightly imperial look that she managed to stride out of the kitchen. It was only when she was halfway across the hall that she remembered she was only wearing her nightgown and her untied dressing gown.

Well, the servants were not her own, and most of them thought her rather eccentric anyway. Why not give them even more cause to think she was a strange one?

Seating herself at the head of the table, Elizabeth saw Linscott had once again been impressively expedient. Evidently, taking the servants’ corridor, which was shorter than the route she had walked, the breakfast things were all lined up on the sideboard, ready for her to help herself.

She looked into the deep blue eyes of her child, and everything became right with the world.

“Hello, young sir,” she whispered. “You gave me quite a scare this morning. I hope you know that.”

Beau chuckled happily, and Elizabeth smiled. There was something so wonderful, so unique about holding her child. He started to nuzzle toward her, and she acted instinctively, moving so he could feed.

So, where was his father? He must still be around, somewhere, if he was caring for his horse. What did he intend to do—had Linscott told him about breakfast?

“There you are,” came that reassuring voice she knew so well.

Jacob kissed her on the forehead before taking the seat next to her.

The love she felt for him—so overpowering, it was almost painful. The lack of his presence had a far greater effect on her than she realized, and it was only when he returned that she knew just what she lacked when he was gone.

Love was a strange and new emotion. She had believed herself to love Elmore, especially at the beginning. Stolen kisses at the bottom of staircases at the end of balls, snatched conversation with no chaperones in Sydney Gardens, long teasing stares…

Yes, that had felt like love, or what she thought love should be. But it hadn’t been. Devotion, perhaps—or desperation.

She had wanted to be in love. She had been young, but not young enough. She had needed to wed, and there was a gentleman paying her much attention. Certain he would care for her, she had married him with high expectations, which had been utterly abandoned within a year.

But Jacob…

This was different.

“Good morning,” he said with a mischievous smile. “And after such a wonderful evening, how could it not be good?”

“Good morning, indeed,” she replied with a chuckle.

“Well,” Jacob said impressively. “I did not expect that.”

Elizabeth did not need to ask what he referred to. “Did you not?” she replied archly.

Her lover rose from his seat almost immediately and moved over to the sideboard, piling up a plate with eggs, bacon, and potatoes.

“You are surely not going to eat all of that?”

Jacob turned with a look of surprise. “What, me? Of course not. This is your portion. We need to keep you healthy.”

He plonked the laden plate before her, and she laughed. “You cannot expect me to eat all that!”

Joining her with his own equally laden plate, Jacob shrugged. “Why not? The real question is, after our evening last night, what does this all mean. For us?”

Elizabeth swallowed as she stroked the head of their child. “I have been asking myself the very same question. We have done things in a rather backward way, have we not? Made love, made a child, and only now are starting to understand how…how we feel about—”

She broke off as the breakfast room door opened, Linscott bringing in a silver tray.

“Coffee and tea, my lady,” he said formally. “Shall I stay to pour, or would you like to help yourselves?”

“I think we will manage—thank you, Linscott. That was kind of you,” said Jacob with a nod.

Elizabeth saw her butler give a strange look before he bowed and left the room. Was it…was he pleased?

Well, it had been a long time since a man had spoken kindly to her servants. Elmore was notoriously rude to them.

Only when the door closed behind the butler did she continue, “How we feel about each other.”

Jacob poured out a cup of tea with a little milk just as she liked it before he spoke again. “Fairytales rarely happen, you know.”

Elizabeth swallowed. What was he trying to tell her? “I know, yet I still feel as though I am living in one. Nothing seems real. It all seems so strange.”

How could she put it into words?It was impossible to shape her wild thoughts. She would just have to trust Jacob would once again look into her soul.

“In some ways, if I had known all that would happen after I went to your home in Bath to collect that debt…” Jacob’s voice trailed away.

Elizabeth swallowed. Surely Jacob would not go against his own heart and decide to continue with his engagement to Miss Worsley? Why would he stay here, continue to bed her, if he was just going to keep walking along the path he was on?

She needed to say something. She was a widow, that was true, but that did not mean she had no voice. “What happens next?”

“Breakfast, I suppose,” Jacob said airily. Once he saw Elizabeth’s glare, he raised his hands in surrender. “I have no idea. This is…well, ’tis all far more complicated than you could ever know. I will explain in time.”

Beau pulled away, and Elizabeth lifted him up with one hand while covering herself with the other. Gently patting him on the back, she tried to swallow down the confusion.

Jacob was nothing like Elmore. She knew that, but learning to trust a gentleman was still new to her. She wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe in him. But how could she, when he made no move to break his engagement with Miss Worsley?

“You know your own business best, I am sure,” she said slowly.

Beau gurgled and hiccupped.

A genuine smile split Jacob’s face. “Here, let me take him.”

The scents wafting up from her plate were tantalizing. Handing over their son to his father, she watched as Jacob played with Beau. Her heart twisted.

They were not a normal family, not by any means. But that did not matter. They were still a family.