Always the Widow by Emily E.K. Murdoch
Chapter Three
When Elizabeth sighed heavily and allowed her embroidery to rest on her lap, nothing else in the house moved.
Utter silence. It was something she had grown accustomed to in the last few years—that or a raucous amount of shouting.
In some ways, she valued silence. It meant she was alone.
She looked down at her embroidery. It was a new pattern, one of roses and lavender. She had seen something quite like it once when a girl and the image had returned to her mind for some reason since Jacob had left.
Jacob.She should not think of him. His coming had been a wonderful distraction from the dull minutiae of her life, but still, he had taken the necklace and gone after her sharp words.
That had been two days ago. All she had experienced since then was…
Well. Elmore had gone out, what—two hours ago? Elizabeth glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece. Three hours ago, after shouting across the room, those hideous words which used to upset her had now left her numb.
“Christ alive, I don’t know why I bother putting up with you! I’ll be with one of my whores, Liz, so do not bother waiting up for me. I won’t be thinking of you at all.”
He had shouted, and she had cried, the same sorry dance all over again.
Elizabeth had been furious with herself afterward. After the door had slammed and the dust had settled, she had been ashamed and cried. Tears meant weakness.
She had promised herself, almost a year ago now, that she would never cry because of what Elmore said or did. He simply was not worth the effort—but then, she was flesh and blood, weak and desperate for affection.
“I do not know why you put up with him.”
A smile crept over her face as Elizabeth dropped her gaze to the half-finished embroidery and picked up her hands to begin work again.
It was so easy for men to think that way.Yes, why did she stay with him? Where else could she go; she had no family living, and everything she enjoyed—the house, the income, paltry that it was after Elmore’s extravagances—she had only because she was his wife.
Gentlemen did not understand men like Elmore because they did not have to live with them. True, they knew them. They gambled with them, rode with them, hunted with them. Perhaps they even liked them.
But none of them were condemned to a loveless marriage.
Elizabeth jabbed her finger accidentally and brought it to her mouth. It was dark in the drawing room now. The sun had disappeared an hour ago, and she had only the one candle. Laying aside the embroidery, she moved about the room, lighting a few more.
What high hopes she had when first introduced to Elmore. Elizabeth could still remember the exact music that had been playing when his mother had introduced them. He had smiled at her, and his knowing smile told her she was about to have the evening of her life.
And she had. Dancing, champagne, giggling in a corner as he regaled her with some of his best jokes.
Elizabeth’s smile disappeared as she returned to her embroidery. She had thought him handsome, well-born, charming. But not for long.
Just as she lifted her hands to continue with a particularly large rose blossom, the door opened.
“Yes, Linscott?” she said, only lifting her head after she had spoken—and then she gasped.
It was not the butler, but Jacob Beauvale, Lord Westray, standing in the doorway. And he was grinning.
“You must excuse me,” he said with a cheerful air. “I knocked on the door, but not a soul answered, and then when I tried it, I admit I found it unlocked and thought to invite myself in. I hope you don’t mind?”
Elizabeth opened her mouth, but no words came out. Mind? Mind that a well-bred, cheerful gentleman wanted to spend time with her? Mind that her evening of bleak solitude was about to be interrupted by a man who made her feel…
Well. Things that a happily married woman over thirty years of age certainly should not be feeling with another gentleman.
She had to force down her emotions. Delight was not an appropriate reaction to seeing a gentleman whose acquaintance she had only made a few days ago.
And besides, she was alone in the house. There was such a thing as decorum.
“I can always throw myself out if you change your mind later,” Jacob quipped with a grin.
Elizabeth swallowed. She could feel the texture of her embroidery under her fingertips, but all other sensations centered on her frantically beating heart.
Jacob was the finest man she had ever met since she had married, but sadly that wasn’t saying much. His presence was like a breath of fresh air, life to her very veins.
But she had to stay calm, collected. She would not betray herself—or Elmore.
“I…I have no more jewelry left,” she said with a weak smile.
Jacob laughed as he stepped into the room, shutting the door. “My goodness, you mean you don’t have an unlimited supply?”
Moving across the room, he sat opposite her and lounged back in that certain way a gentleman always did.
It was something about taking up space,Elizabeth always thought. A gentleman was only a gentleman if he was actively attempting to take up as much space as he possibly could.
“Thankfully,” Jacob said. “That is not why I have come.”
Elizabeth nodded, not trusting herself to speak. What could this possibly be about? It was past ten o’clock in the evening, and though she knew Elmore would not be returning, Jacob—Lord Westray, she corrected herself hastily—certainly did not.
What did he want from her?
Whatever it was, she was in danger of spiking her finger with the needle again if she were not careful. She placed the embroidery back into its basket at her feet and smiled once more at the gentleman who was making her feel like…like a real person again.
Forcing a natural smile, she said lightly, “I can call for refreshments if you would like—port? Sherry? Brandy?”
Jacob shook his head. “No, I think…I think ’tis probably best if your servants remain unaware of this particular visit.”
Something strange shivered down her spine. He was right, of course, but the way he said it as though he knew exactly how she felt.
Here she was, alone with a handsome stranger. It was a wild thing, a situation a young debutante would get herself mixed up in.
Not a married woman.
Elizabeth attempted to ignore the handsome features of her guest as she said, “Really? I am sure I can trust my servants to be discreet.”
“Perhaps you can,” Jacob said quietly, “but may I be blunt with you, Mrs. Howard? I am not one for beating about the bush. I find it takes too much time, and everyone gets themselves in a muddle. I usually just speak as I find. May I do so with you?”
Elizabeth nodded. It was a strange sort of preamble, but then it was a strange sort of visit. Late at night, alone, trying the door without knocking or ringing the bell.
What did Lord Westray want with her?
“’Tis Elizabeth, is it not?”
“Yes,” she said quietly.
Jacob examined her for a moment before continuing. “I hope you will not think me impertinent if I say your husband is a blaggard.”
Heat rushed across her face as his words sunk in.
It was not as though she could pretend to be surprised.Elmore had lost her respect a few years ago, when she had realized he had not suddenly fallen into bad habits, but this was his usual character: womanizing, gambling, debts…
“I am not the only one to think so. I am sad to say it.”
Elizabeth nodded mutely. To hear it so plainly from another—to hear a frank assessment of her husband, it was embarrassing.
She knew Elmore could not be respected where he went, but to know it was widely talked about…
“You do not surprise me, Lord Westray.”
“Jacob, please. If I may return the courtesy and call you Elizabeth or Lizzy.”
Hearing her name on his lips was more intimate than anything she had experienced with Elmore these last few months. Jacob was staring with dark gray eyes, clearly understanding her discomfort.
“Blast it all, Elizabeth,” he said with a heavy sigh. “’Tis obvious even to a man such as I, a stranger in your own home, that you receive little comfort from the man who is your husband. No comfort, no affection, nor desire, either, if I am any judge.”
If he had been anyone else, Elizabeth would have risen to her feet in outrage. It was scandalous, speaking to her like this! It was shameful, having to listen to this nonsense!
But it wasn’t nonsense, was it? No, every syllable was true, and denying it would make her a liar.
Jacob Beauvale had taken one look at her, spent no more than twenty minutes in her company, and seen through to her soul and the misery of her life.
“If you will let me,” he said quietly, “I would give you all those things.”
His words did not immediately make sense, and for a moment, she was unsure whether she had heard him correctly. Give her what—affection? Desire?
Then the true meaning of his words, of what he offered, sunk in.
Speaking stiffly, she said, “I do not know what you—”
“I think you know what I mean,” Jacob interrupted in a low voice, his gaze unwavering. “I can see you are desperate for a loving touch, Elizabeth.”
Another shiver rippled down her spine. Hearing her name on another man’s lips felt deliciously rebellious. Jacob Beauvale was not known within her circle of acquaintances, but any gentleman with a title was bound to know what he was doing with the ladies.
How long had it been since she had…no, she could not think this way. It was preposterous. It was madness! This circumstance simply did not happen!
Not in reality, at any rate. Elizabeth had read countless novels in which daring ladies were seduced by handsome and mysterious gentlemen.
But this was not a dream nor a novel. She was seated on her sofa in her own home, and opposite the handsome Lord Westray, asking her whether she wanted…
“I can see you desire…companionship,” said Jacob gently. “And I bet the blaggard hasn’t given you any pleasure, either.”
“That is none of your business,” Elizabeth snapped.
Really!It was all very well for Jacob to desire her. She was not going to argue with that. It was pleasant to be desired, and when she had been an unmarried debutante of society, she had a set of admirers.
But to say such things—to think such things! It was scandalous!
“None of my business?” Jacob leaned back and smiled. “I would say it’s been none of Elmore’s business for a while, hasn’t it?”
She hesitated. A small part of her wanted to protest, to protect her husband’s reputation. How easy it would be to lie, to say Elmore cared for her deeply and that she was content with her life.
It would be a lie. She had never spoken ill of her husband to anyone, but that had not prevented her from enduring five years of passionless lovemaking, no children, and his taunts about his whores whom he preferred over her.
Elizabeth swallowed. She had to extricate herself from this situation as gracefully as possible—even if she was tempted, devilishly tempted.
“What you suggest is preposterous,” she said quietly. “Ladies do not simply offer themselves to gentlemen who turn up in the middle of the night!”
That knowing smile still played about his lips. “I know, but I want you, Elizabeth. There, I have said it. You are beautiful, you are charming—and you desperately want someone like me to come into your life, sweep you off your feet, and give you the attention you’ve desperately been lacking.”
Elizabeth found her mouth was dry.
“I know I could give you a little of what you seek, something to cheer you through those damned nights with Elmore,” Jacob said softly. “No one would have to know. This would just be between you and me.”
It was on the tip of Elizabeth’s tongue to throw him out—to reach out and ring the bell, summon a servant, have him and his delectable suggestions taken away so she could not succumb.
But Jacob was not going to force her, she could see that. It would not have been difficult to sit beside her, steal a kiss from her, and laugh as she protested.
But he had not. No, Jacob was a gentleman, and he had made her a gentleman’s offer. At no point had he hidden his intentions, and he was very clear about what he wanted.
Her.
And she did want pleasure. It was awful to admit, but she had expected lovemaking to be…well, loving. Nothing like the three minutes of painful thrusting Elmore subjected her to before he rolled over and started to snore.
She had been married five years and still had no idea what pleasures the flesh could offer. Her mother, God rest her soul, had not been forthcoming on what to expect, and so Elizabeth simply accepted the hand she had been dealt.
There was more, she was sure of it. And if Jacob knew how to help her find it.
She glanced at him, and heat surged through her body. She had been unable to ignore his good looks from the moment he had attempted to batter her door down, seeking to have his debt paid.
A flicker of jealousy wrapped around her heart as she wondered how many other ladies had received this offer from the dashing Lord Westray.
“You are mad,” she whispered.
Jacob’s smile widened. “You are thinking about it, then.”
She had expected feelings of guilt as she considered Jacob’s offer—but Elmore had hardly been faithful to her.
“I am barren,” she said quietly. “There…there would be no child.”
Shock at her own brazen words rocked her body. Had she really said that?
Elizabeth swallowed. She was lonely, skin tingling for the touch of another. No one would ever have to know.
Jacob nodded. “All the better. No consequences for a night of delicious pleasure. Elizabeth, trust me, I won’t force this. But let me show you what love should be. Let me show you how a man should love a woman—and at any point you want me to stop, I will.”
She could hear the truth in his words. If she held to her marriage vows and declined this sophisticated man, he would leave.
Leave her alone. In this big empty house, with no one to love her.
She took a deep breath. This was not a moment she could take back. Once she had agreed to this, she knew her life—her marriage—would never be the same again.
The thought almost made her smile. Why should she want it to stay the same? It was not as though she was happy.
“We will have to be careful.”
The words were out before she could stop them. Her cheeks crimsoned as Jacob smiled.
“Do you mean quiet?”
Elizabeth shook her head. “N-No one will hear us from that side of the house. ’Tis just…we cannot be seen going upstairs. To…to my bedchamber.”
Jacob rose and held out his hand.
Hesitation flooded her mind. Once she took it, there was no going back. True, Jacob was clearly no cad who would force her if she changed her mind, but the point was, she had said yes. The word had not passed her lips, but what she had said was enough. She had agreed to make love with a man who was not her husband.
Husband?Her heart hardened as she thought of Elmore. He had been no husband to her. She had not gained comfort from his voice, his touch, his presence for years now.
She deserved better. She deserved this.
Elizabeth reached out and placed her hand in Jacob’s. Her skin tingled at the forbidden contact as he pulled her upright, and she gasped as she stood mere inches from him.
Though no promises had passed between them, it was as though they had made a vow to each other.
“Lead me,” he whispered.
Every inch of her hand was tingling.
She said nothing as she led him to the door and checked the hallway. There was no one there. At this late hour, the maids would be asleep, and the butler would be putting the kitchen to sleep along with their housekeeper.
They were alone.
It took but a few minutes for her to lead Jacob up the stairs, down the corridor, and through the door to her bedchamber. It was only as she closed the door behind them and leaned against it that she took another breath, hardly aware she had been holding it.
Was she really about to do this?She had always considered marriage to be sacred, a solemn vow between man and wife. She had made promises to Elmore, and though he had not kept them, she had always been loyal.
Something in her heart rebelled.
Jacob was sitting on the bed, and as her gaze rose to meet his, he smiled. “Come here.”
Wild thoughts rushed through her mind. It was still not too late to say no, to go back downstairs and finish her embroidery.
But all thoughts of embroidery disappeared as Jacob leaned forward and kissed her gently on the lips. In that instant, Elizabeth’s whole body came alive for the first time.
There were passion and desire—it was as though her life had been building up to this moment for years.
Jacob’s hand cupped her face softly, tilting her head. She allowed the movement, allowed his teasing and pleasuring tongue to caress her lips, and gently slide into her mouth.
Elizabeth froze.
Jacob immediately pulled away. “I do not have to continue. This is all about you, Elizabeth.”
Her heart was beating frantically, and she was unsure she could put her wild thoughts into words.
“You…you are so gentle,” she said quietly.
He smiled. “Being passionate and gentle are possible, and I would say the sign of a good lover, but then, I am biased.”
Elizabeth smiled at his words. It was all so new. Why, she was as innocent of lovemaking as a chit of fifteen!
She may have lost her maidenhead years ago, but the intimacy of lovemaking was entirely new to her.
“Now,” said Jacob with a smile. “Are you ready for more?”
This time she leaned forward, desperate for his touch, and the kisses deepened, his arms around her, her own around his neck.
Every part of Elizabeth was tingling now, heat growing between her legs. Parts of her were waking up for the first time, and it was marvelous, unthinkable that she had a lover in her bed!
But Jacob was far more than a lover. He understood her on a level no man ever had before. As their kisses became more passionate, he pulled her down onto the bed, and she clung to him more tightly—this man she had only met a few days ago.
“Elizabeth,” Jacob murmured as he broke the kiss, staring with an emotion she did not recognize.
This would never happen again,she told herself as she gasped, Jacob’s lips leaving a trail of kisses down her neck. She could never allow herself this delicious pleasure a second time—how would she ever be able to go back to Elmore?
Her husband was forced from her mind as Jacob’s well-practiced hands made her body tingle and pulse with pleasure. Everywhere he touched sizzled with heat, and she found herself tugging hastily at the buttons of his shirt.
“I want,” she panted, hardly aware what she was saying, “Jacob, I want—”
“I know.”
With one thoughtless motion, she pulled a button off his shirt, and the material came away.
Embarrassment rushed through her. “Oh, I am sorry—”
“Don’t be.” Jacob was even more devastatingly handsome now that he was shirtless, a trail of hair disappearing into his breeches and promising even better things to come. “’Tis the greatest compliment you could pay me. Here.”
Elizabeth did not need to be told what he wanted; something deep within her knew.
His fingers moved to the back of her gown, and he kissed her deeply as he managed to untie the bodice. It only took another few moments for both her gown and undershift to be pulled from her body, and she shivered.
She was naked.Her mind could not comprehend it; she was naked with a stranger!
No.Elizabeth watched as Jacob pulled off his boots, socks, and breeches to render himself just as nude as she was.
He was no stranger. How could he be, now that they had shared this secret?
Jacob rejoined her on the bed, and Elizabeth gloried in the sensation of his skin against hers. His kisses were hungrier now, and she returned his passion in kind, her ardor growing as their legs tangled together.
They had been kissing for what—a minute? An hour?Elizabeth found it impossible to tell, but eventually, Jacob broke away and looked into her eyes seriously.
“God, Elizabeth, you are—well. Do you trust me?”
There was no hesitation this time. In the eyes of society, she knew that they barely knew each other—but there was something about him. Something deep within her cried out for him, and she would answer that cry. Trust him? She trusted no one else in the world other than him.
These feelings could not be encapsulated in words, so heart thundering, body shivering with desire, she nodded.
Jacob nuzzled her neck as he murmured, “If you want me to stop, just tell me.”
Turning her onto her back, Elizabeth whimpered with disappointment as he ceased kissing her neck—but that whimper became far more guttural as his tongue teased across her breasts.
“Oh, Jacob,” she whispered, the words pouring naturally from her mouth. “Oh, yes—oh!”
She gasped as pleasure rocketed through her body. Jacob, her lover, the man who was teaching her what pleasure even was, had brushed a finger across her secret place and gently teased it inside.
What was this? How was it possible to feel so free, so wild, so untamed as this?
“Jacob, yes, I want more,” she gasped.
“You are so beautiful, so precious,” came his soft words as he kissed her neck, one hand teasing her nipple and the other building a slow but steady rhythm inside her. “Elizabeth, let me love you. Let me show you what ecstasy is.”
She could not reply—how could she when her body was lost to her and in the possession of another? She would never be the same again. She felt desired, wanted, and now her body was starting to shake with the unexpected pleasure, the very climax of existence only seconds away…
“Oh, Jacob, yes!”
She could not help but cry out. She almost sobbed as something changed in his rhythm, and her whole body exploded with pleasure, rocking, pulsing, utterly out of her control as she clung to him, the only man who understood her.
The waves of decadence slowly subsided, and only then was she able to open her eyes.
“Elizabeth?” Jacob had concern across his face. “Are you quite well?”
Quite well?Mere words could not describe how she felt. “No one has ever made me feel like that.”
Concern gone, he grinned. “Again?”
The word did not precisely register at first. Again?
He chuckled at her expression. “My, my, I have much to teach you. Don’t worry, Elizabeth, I am a gentle teacher. You will enjoy being my student.”
Jacob moved from her side. Disappointment flowed through her. But then—
“Christ!”
She had never blasphemed before—but before this moment, she had never needed to. Instead of his finger, Jacob had swept his tongue across her secret place, and Elizabeth had to reach out and cling to the edges of the bed as he expertly started to lick and suck the part of her that was still pulsing with the last round of pleasure.
“Jacob, yes, right there,” she murmured.
Jacob’s hands were on her thighs, holding her in place as the boiling wave of pleasure started to build in her once more, and before she knew it, Elizabeth was shouting out his name as her body rocked on the heady pleasure his mouth gave her.
“Jacob, Jacob, oh, yes!”
As the lights in her eyes started to fade, and she smiled at Jacob, who had lifted his gaze to hers, Elizabeth knew she would never live a normal life again.
Now that she had been touched like this, kissed like this, nothing would be the same.
“I want you, now,” she said, shocked at her own daring. “You, inside me.”
Her fingers reached out for the manhood that had been standing to attention the moment they had undressed, and it took but a moment to guide him inside her.
“Oh,” she murmured, welcoming him back into her arms.
This felt so…right was the only word she could think of. As though they were made for each other.
Jacob groaned, “Hell’s bells, you’re so beautiful, Elizabeth, every part of you—Christ, I don’t think I can last long.”
“Just love me, Jacob. Just love me.”
And he did. This wasn’t a quick rutting of a young stag, desperate to take his fill and think nothing of his partner.
No, everything Jacob did was for her.
As he collapsed into her arms, she held him close as their breathing started to slow.
It was a good thing she was already married, she thought as they whispered sweet nothings to each other as they fell asleep, or she would be in real danger of falling in love.