Voyeur by Candace Wondrak

Chapter Eleven – Zoey

 

 

Eventually I got used to the routine. Carter would watch me during the day and even some nights, meet up with Roman at the Dollhouse when I worked Tuesdays and Thursdays. It wasn’t like I enjoyed being babysat like a child, like someone neither man trusted, but I couldn’t fight the way I grew weak when I was around them, how my thoughts always ended up in the gutter.

How could they not, when I was constantly surrounded by two sex gods with faces and dicks that could kill?

But then, just when I started to get used to the grind, something strange happened. Carter stopped showing up at my apartment, leaving me to wonder just what the hell happened. Of course, I didn’t have either his or Roman’s number, so it wasn’t like I could call either of them and ask. Maybe I was just being silly.

It was one Thursday night when I was leaving my apartment to go to work, when I met Lake in the hall. It looked like he was just coming up from taking out trash or something, for he was empty-handed as he headed from the elevator to his apartment. When his blue gaze landed on me, though, his feet stopped immediately. His blonde hair had gotten longer, and since he hadn’t gotten it cut, it was perfectly cute and messy in every single way.

The perfect length to run my hands through, really.

Not a thought I should have, I knew, since Carter and Roman wanted to dictate everything that went between my legs, but still. Lake was a reminder of what life could be like if everything was normal, and for whatever strange reason, I liked the reminder.

“Hey,” he said, reaching to rub the back of his neck. He and I hadn’t exactly spent a lot of time together lately, since Carter was always here, it seemed. “Your boyfriend not here anymore?” When I only blinked, shocked that he’d bring him up—especially so soon—Lake quickly shook his head and said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s none of my business who—”

Maybe it was because I couldn’t take his fumbling, or maybe it was for another reason entirely, but I cut in and said, “Carter’s not my boyfriend. He’s… well, he’s more like a babysitter than anything else.” A babysitter, a bodyguard, someone to keep me in line, whatever. Same thing.

Of course, it was when I said it that I started wondering how thin the walls actually were. Had Lake heard Carter fucking me against the wall? He was my neighbor, but the wall Carter took me on was not a shared wall, so maybe not.

Lake’s expression appeared dubious, and he questioned, “A babysitter? For you? Why on earth would you need a babysitter?”

Since he still stood awkwardly a good ten feet away from me, I took a few steps closer to him, hugging my jacket closed. I wore my typical pink sneakers, along with shorts and a jacket to cover everything underneath—my work outfit, basically. My work outfit was not something I would ever be caught dead strolling around in.

When I said nothing right away, he guessed, “Your parents?”

Yes, saying Carter was sent from my parents to keep an eye on me would be the simplest explanation, wouldn’t it? I came from money, ran away from it and tried to leave it all behind, but my blasted parents just couldn’t let me go.

But it would be a lie, and right now, I didn’t want to lie to him. Lake didn’t deserve that, especially since he’d gotten what was basically the cold shoulder from me the last two weeks. After our almost-kiss, it wasn’t something he deserved. This one… I meant it when I said he deserved so much more.

Still, even though I didn’t want to lie to him, telling him the truth would be too much, and I knew he’d look at me differently if I told him everything about Roman and Carter. I said the only thing I could: “Yeah, you could say that. I guess I’m a bit of a troublemaker when left to my own devices.” I shrugged, giving him a small smile, wishing I could come clean.

Could I? Even assuming Lake would still want to speak with me after knowing the truth, what would Roman do?

He’d probably have Lake strung up and skinned, or something. Shot to death, his body tied down with weights, and then tossed in a lake somewhere.

Well, that got dark fast, didn’t it?

Lake grinned, and it was good to see the dimples in his cheeks again. Those dimples were cute, and I felt the need to touch them, but I held back. I had no idea what it was about those tiny things, but they made me go crazy.

“I can see it,” he told me, still grinning, still wearing those dimples proudly.

“Can you?” I asked, glaring at him in what I hoped was a playful way. Not a real glare, but a look that meant so much more. Was it wrong to have feelings for multiple guys at the same time? I mean, in elementary school I had crushes on different boys, but that wasn’t the same. I didn’t really talk to them. Here, now… I actually felt my heart being pulled in several directions at once. That couldn’t be normal.

Lake could give me a normal life, and Roman and Carter… the opposite. The absolute opposite.

I wanted both at the same time. A normal life, but also one that was filled with displays of dominance and possession, obsession in its rawest, most carnal form. I wanted to be free to make my own decisions, but also under someone else’s thumb.

Fuck. I needed to get a handle on myself.

“Totally,” he said.

Even though the last thing I wanted to do was leave Lake’s side and go to work, that’s exactly what I had to do. “I have to go to work,” I told him. “But it was really nice to see you tonight, Lake.” I didn’t bother to hide the wistfulness in my voice, instead letting it coat every single word, hoping Lake heard it.

He stuck his hands in his jean pockets, looking sheepish as he blushed a bit. “It was,” he said. “Maybe, on another night when you don’t have to work, we could hang out again.” Lake must’ve realized what he was suggesting, for in the next moment he was hurriedly adding, “I mean, if you want. If you’re not too busy with that babysitter of yours—”

Hanging out with him would be dangerous, I knew, and yet before I left, I still said, “I’d like that.”

I mean, just because I’d like it didn’t mean it would actually happen. I could yearn for something without doing it, right? Roman might claim to want to control my thoughts like he did everything else, but he couldn’t really do that.

The walk to the Dollhouse felt abnormally long, partially because of my little encounter with Lake. Lake was not the type of guy I would’ve gone for before, but then again, neither was Roman or Carter. Not once in my wildest dreams did I ever picture myself agreeing to give myself to a guy who had to belong to some organized crime syndicate or something. The mob. The mafia. The… whatever the hell they were called these days.

The truth of the matter was, my life had taken such a hard, drastic turn after I walked in and saw Bryan and Willow together that I couldn’t have predicted any of it.

Ah, well. Life took turns you didn’t expect sometimes, and you had to roll with the punches.

My current punch being an oddly Roman and Carter-free night. Neither man showed up to the Dollhouse, commanding me to remain by their side, to serve them drinks and sit on their lap while they exerted their control over me. Neither man was there to pull me into the backroom and have their way with me on that couch. By extension, neither man was there to stop me from going onto that stage and giving the few men who were our Thursday night patrons a good show.

Huh. This was weird, but okay.

It was an hour or so into my shift when I stood near the bar, leaning on it, feeling so out of place here without either Roman or Carter watching me. Like, even though there were a few men in here who’d love to see me strip and dance, who’d get off on watching me tease my body, I was lonely.

Lonely. Me. Who knew?

Jamie leaned on the counter, watching me. Her dark stare had observed the way I fumbled around all night, and it was like she knew, for she said, “Don’t tell me you’re standing there missing those two.”

I jerked my head back, my eyes wide. “I, uh… no?” Okay, I did not sound believable in the least, so it wasn’t a shock when she shook her head at me and made a disapproving sound. Crystal wasn’t here tonight; it was just me. I’d never gotten friendly with the other girls.

And it was then I had a thought. A very bad thought. What if Roman and Carter were somewhere else, at another club, with another girl? Or, worse, what if Roman had forced Carter to bring Crystal back to his place?

Though it was probably just my mind overthinking it all, I caught myself wondering why the hell I had to be good and obedient when Roman could have Carter pull anyone else and offer them the exact same deal he offered me? Why should I stay away from Lake when he could theoretically be watching Carter shove his dick into someone else?

Oh, no. I didn’t like that thought at all. In fact, it made me unreasonably jealous, like, so jealous I felt like destroying something. Taking a baseball bat to the fancy car Carter drove and smashing out the headlights and windshield, slashing his tires and leaving it broken and useless.

“You are,” Jamie said knowingly, crossing her arms as she stared at me, frowning. Out of everyone who worked at the Dollhouse, Jamie was probably the nicest; she was the only one who went out of her way to speak to me anytime I worked. The others, I think, tried to steer clear of me because of Roman.

“I am not,” I muttered, and I couldn’t sound like a worse liar. I was. I knew it; she knew it, so why pretend otherwise?

“I told you, hun, to steer clear of Roman and Carter,” she said. “Now look at you—they have you wrapped around their fingers like you’re nothing but a toy, ready to be used.”

Even though they weren’t here, even though I just riled myself up with the thought of them with another woman, I couldn’t help but snap, “They only use me because I let them.” I didn’t think I’d ever sounded so bitchy while talking to Jamie. A part of me felt bad, but another part of me didn’t care; I didn’t appreciate what she’d said.

Jamie let out a laugh, and it was a sound that cut me to my core. “If that’s what you think, you’re further gone than I thought.” She didn’t let me get another word in, edgewise. She instead turned her back to me, indicating she was done with this conversation.

But you know what? So was I.

 

The next time I worked at the Dollhouse, Roman and Carter still didn’t show up. Carter hadn’t popped up in my apartment, either, leaving me to wonder just what the hell was going on. When Thursday arrived, yet another shift at the Dollhouse without hide or hair of either of them, I thought, fuck it.

Fuck it all.

I wasn’t going wait for them to show their sorry faces again; I had a job to do, and even though Roman Russo owned this place, he wasn’t here, and since Autumn stayed in her office unless there was an issue out here with one of the girls or the bouncers, I decided to get up on that stage and dance. I had to beg Ruby to let me take one of her scheduled performance slots, but after I told her I’d give her all the tips I got, she relented.

The tips didn’t matter. I didn’t need the money. I had an apartment full of shit I could always sell if I really came upon hard times, and beyond that, if I wanted to destroy my ego completely I could always go back home. No matter what, my mother and father would welcome me back with open arms. When you were rich, family was different. Things never worked out the same.

When it was time, I got up on that stage and swayed and moved, dancing my ass off with the music, being as sensual and erotic as I could without tearing off what I wore and doing it naked. I bet the male audience would like it better if I was nude, but no worker here was forced to take off their clothes if they didn’t want to—and even then, it was just the top half. The bottom half could never be completely bared… unless a certain someone took you into that backroom.

But, no, I wasn’t going to think about Roman or Carter, or anything that happened in that backroom.

I danced with a heart full of spite, a mind that was currently overthinking everything. I danced like I never danced before, swaying my body on that stage, putting myself on display for any and all. My parents would have aneurysms if they knew their eldest daughter worked at what was basically a strip club.

Oh, I’d love to see the looks on their faces when they found out, would love to be there to snap a picture to memorialize the moment. You know how they say a picture’s worth a thousand words? My parents’ faces would be worth a million each, easily.

Fuck them.

Fuck my parents, and fuck Roman and Carter and anyone else who thought they could walk all over me and discard me like trash. I know I might’ve said I would be okay with it, that whatever this was between Roman and I was just a temporary fling or something, but now my feelings were different. Now I didn’t want that. I didn’t want Roman and Carter dumping me for another girl; I didn’t want them to find someone better just like Bryan had.

When my time on the stage was done, I was damn near out of breath, sweating. I might’ve moved my hips a little too hard, worked on swinging myself around that pole a little too much; Crystal was right when she said pole dancing was a workout. No random person could just walk off the street and do it.

My eyes scanned the Dollhouse as I cleaned the stage of tips and walked off. Still no Roman, still no Carter. It was beyond stupid, but this was really bothering me. Like, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Ruby came up to me, and I shoved all the tips toward her, heading to the locker room to sit down and take a five-minute break. I ended up on the bench just before my locker, where my jacket and shorts were shoved. My ass was sweaty, and since I wore what was basically a thong with extra straps on my hips, my bare skin stuck to the bench.

I leaned over, staring at my hands. They hardly looked like my hands anymore. With my pink hair, the giant tattoo on me… my newfound style that always seemed to include those ungodly-bright tennis shoes—I hardly recognized myself in general, but I guess that was the point. I was never anyone before, just a daughter, just a girlfriend, not someone with her own identity.

Who knew all it would take was me walking into my sister’s room and catching my boyfriend pounding away between her legs?

Sighing, I ran my hands through my hair, trying to cool my body down after that dance. You know, out of all of the possibilities my mind came up with, there was one that I refused to think about: maybe something bad happened to them. Roman basically told me he killed people for a living, and that was bound to catch up to you sooner or later, wasn’t it?

Granted, I wasn’t very knowledgeable when it came to underground criminals and illegal activities. The most I’d ever done was speed, and then, of course, serve alcohol after starting my job here. Technically illegal, since I wasn’t twenty-one yet.

It was a sad thing that I wasn’t twenty-one, and yet I felt so much older. Like, sometimes I wondered if this was all life was, if this was all it had to give. What was the fucking point in it all? Some people said life was a miraculous thing, but was it really?

But back to what I was thinking before. My mind didn’t go there, refused to ponder the possibility that something had happened to Roman and Carter because in my mind, they were damn near invincible.

A stupid, childish thing to think. Neither man was invincible, and if it turned out something did happen to them, they were hurt or, worse, killed, what the hell would I do? How would I know? It wasn’t like I was one of their emergency contacts, it wasn’t like I knew their friends and I’d hear it from them.

No, if something happened to them, I’d live the rest of my life wondering, and I hated that. I hated the power Roman held over me, how much I thought about him, how badly my body craved those dark eyes on me. It wasn’t as if I’d known him my whole life, but that’s sort of what it felt like.

When I heard the sounds of Autumn’s heels clicking on the floor in her office, I got to my feet and went back out in the Dollhouse. I’d do anything to avoid a talk with her, and that included getting back to work and pretending everything was fine.

And everything was fine. Mostly. Except for fucking Roman.

And Carter.

And, hell, even Lake—because as much as I wanted to be buried in my own world, it just didn’t work out like that. These three guys had got my attention, in very different ways, mind you, and now I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wanted everything each and every one of them had.

Ugh, I was in way over my head here, that much was obvious. In so far over my head I couldn’t even see the top of the water, didn’t know how far I was from the surface. Treading water was impossible when you were drowning, too frantic and desperate to reach the top again.

The rest of my work shift passed slowly. Every minute felt like an hour, and every hour felt like a lifetime. I kept to myself, not wanting to talk to anyone. I wasn’t even extra nice or flirty with the patrons; I only served them their drinks and helped clean off the tables, not bothering to give them smiles or anything like that.

It was amazing how much of a bad mood I was in simply because Roman and Carter weren’t here. I wasn’t proud of it, but it wasn’t something I could change.

 

Life went on. Life went on so much that I pretty much assumed I’d never see Roman or Carter again, having heard or seen hide nor hair from them. I was still stuck working only Tuesdays and Thursdays at the Dollhouse; Autumn refused to switch my schedule, lest Roman come back into the Dollhouse and find out she’d gone against his orders.

Ah, well. It sucked, but I could make enough to pay the bills and groceries on those two nights a week if I worked it. I didn’t want to work it—the only thing I wanted to do was mope—but work it I had to.

The funny thing was, I felt worse now than I did when I walked in and saw Bryan and Willow together. That scene had scarred me, but this… this was downright abandonment, another slap to the face while I was still healing from the first. Salt in the still-open wound.

Would I ever be good enough for anyone to want to stay in my life? Or was I supposed to just lower my head and accept it, like a good girl, like the girl my parents wanted me to be? I always thought I had too much self-worth to do that, but now I wondered if it would be easier, if life wouldn’t be so hard if I just stopped giving a shit.

Hmm. Maybe that’s what I had to do. Maybe me not giving a shit about anything was how I should go about my life. By nature, I was an overthinker, someone who cared too much, a person who immediately put their heart into things… but you know what? Fuck that. Fuck it all.

It was one Friday night when I decided this, when I mustered up the courage to do something I’d wanted to do all along, but never took the leap because of Roman.

But Roman wasn’t here, and he hadn’t been here for a while. Same with Carter. I refused to sit in my apartment and twiddle my thumbs, wasting my life in hopes that they’d make their return, come back to me and pretend like they never left.

With my shoulders squared and my head held high, I walked barefoot out of my apartment, making a sharp left and heading to my neighbor’s door. To Lake’s door. Before I could stop and think better of it, my fist was already balled up and knocking.

Either he’d be out and about, possibly at work, or he was in there, working on homework or something, even though it was a Friday night. Lake was not one of the cool guys, not someone who had loads of friends and went out drinking every weekend like some college students did. Lake was just the guy I needed to get my mind off everything, and avoiding him all this time had been for nothing.

Well, I was done avoiding him. I was done pretending I was okay with waiting for two men who might not ever show their faces to me again.

My hand fell to my side when I finished knocking, and I stood there, thinking up what I was going to say. I’d never done this before, actually, so this was completely new to me. I guess there really was a first time for everything.

Me, Zoey Marbella, asking someone out. Just crazy.

I waited there a minute, wondering how long I should give it before returning to my apartment and pretending like I never mustered up the courage to do this to begin with. The moment I decided to call it quits, that maybe he wasn’t home right now, his apartment door opened.

Lake stood, wearing the dorkiest pair of cargo shorts I’d ever seen, along with a T-shirt that had a few Star Wars characters on it. His blonde hair had just gotten cut, so he had that dorky look most guys did right after a cut; something they grew out of after a week or so. His blue eyes widened when he saw it was me, and he sputtered out, “Zoey. What’s going on?” Trying to sound cool and failing entirely.

I peeked inside his apartment, half expecting there to be a girl or something. That would be just my shitty luck, wouldn’t it? “I’m not interrupting anything, am I? No girls hiding in that apartment?”

“Interrupting?” Lake echoed, giving me a sheepish grin. “Of course not. I was just doing some research for a term paper.” He reached to his neck, rubbing it as he added, “I don’t know what you think of me, but I’m not that popular with the ladies.”

My eyebrows lifted. “You’re not?”

“If I was, you and I would’ve been seeing a lot more of each other—” Lake stopped, coughed, and tried to act as nonchalant and cool as he could. “I mean, I just—” Which, as it turned out, was not very nonchalant or cool.

Since I knew he would ramble on and on, try to fix what he’d said to make it sound less strange, I blurted out the reason I was there: “Do you want to go out with me?” I actually said the question without stumbling over my words, which surprised me.

“Do I… do I want to go out with you?” Lake repeated, his blonde brows coming together, as if he didn’t hear me quite right. “You mean, like a date? Or—”

“Yes,” I spoke with a nod, “like a date.”

“Sure,” he could not get the word out fast enough. “I mean, of course. I’ll go anywhere with you. Just let me grab a—” He stopped when I giggled.

“Not right now,” I said. “Tomorrow.” I cocked my head at him, sticking out a hip and drawing his gaze down my body. Right now, I wore sweatpants and a loose shirt. Not really date apparel. My pink hair was in a bun, and I looked like I was either about to crawl into bed or that I’d just gotten out of it. “I try not to look homeless on dates, you know.”

Lake swallowed, his gaze snapping up to mine as he quickly said, “I don’t care what you wear. You always look beautiful, Zoey.”

His honest, heartfelt words caught me off-guard. I stood there for a moment, blinking at him, wondering how the hell he could say something like that and actually sound genuine. Guys didn’t talk like that nowadays, not unless they were in movies—and as far as I knew, my shitty life was not a movie. It’d make a terrible one, really.

But he was earnest, and as he stood there, staring right back at me, I felt my cheeks heating up, like I was in third grade with my first crush all over again.

How could Lake affect me so much? How was he real and not already snatched up by another girl?

I shouldn’t ask myself that question. I should just accept it and move on, plan out our date for tomorrow. I couldn’t, though, for in the next moment, I found myself whispering, “No one’s ever said anything like that to me before.”

As sad as it was, it was true. Bryan hated when I didn’t get all dolled up for him, and going to school without wearing makeup was like missing your face, people always asking you if you were tired or sick. The reality of being a woman or even a girl meant you were always judged on your appearance, no matter how old you were or what you were doing, whether you were going to the country club or just the grocery store.

“Well, for what it’s worth,” Lake spoke, his voice dropping to a bare whisper that, in spite of myself, caused a chill to sweep down my spine, “it’s true.” A soft, gentle smile graced his lips, and I had to force myself to tell him goodbye, that I’d see him tomorrow afternoon, lest I linger there and lose myself completely in his dimples—which was quite possible.

I headed back to my apartment, knowing Lake still stood there, watching me go. We met eyes the moment I opened my apartment door, and I couldn’t say what passed between us right then, but it was definitely something. My heart sped up in my chest, a longing deep within me.

I wanted this. I wanted to relax again, to live my life like it was normal, and that wasn’t something I could do while sitting around and waiting to hear from Roman or Carter. No, I was a person, and I would not wait forever.