Beyond by Katie May

4

Aiden

The plan was going to shit. No, not just shit. It was going to the bottom of the goddamn toilet, where it was festering like some insidious mold.

“Leave tonight? Leave tonight? Leave tonight, my fucking ass,” I murmured to myself as I stormed into my dorm room a short while later. I kicked at the leg of my bed, releasing curse after curse as my anger and frustration at the world bombarded me. I roared, pulling at my black hair, before moving to the bedside table and throwing it over. The lamp shattered into hundreds of pieces, though I barely paid it any mind.

Kace, who’d followed me into our shared room, moved despondently to his own bed and sat down, his back against the wall. He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, his expression wary and drawn.

“Aiden…” Kace said, a hint of warning in his tone.

I spun towards my best friend, baring my teeth at him. He barely glanced up from where he was staring intently at the top of his knees.

“What? What the fuck am I supposed to do?” I demanded, moving to the closet, wrenching it open, and tossing all of the uniforms onto the ground. It was childish, sure, but I wanted to break something. I wanted the world to bleed. “If what Bianaca said is the truth, we’re in motherfucking Purgatory! And…” The words got caught in my throat as pain bombarded me, branding my flesh for all the world to see. “And Josie…” My legs wobbled, threatening to give out on me, but I channeled the pain into white-hot rage and moved to my bed, bending down to upheave it.

Kace watched me with a deadened expression.

“What’s the point of escaping?” he asked after a moment of silence. He twisted his head so his cheek was now resting on his knee. From this position, his eyes were trained on the door, making it impossible to tell what he was thinking.

Kace never admitted to me out loud that he suffered from bipolar disorder, but I knew. I’d suspected as much whenever he would disappear for days at a time or lie in bed, unmoving, but I only had my suspicions confirmed when I found a bottle of his medication. I didn’t understand what exactly my best friend was going through, but I knew a battle was being waged inside of his own mind. Demons fighting demons. Monsters slaying monsters. I wanted to help him, but I didn’t know how. Words somehow seemed inadequate when I knew he was struggling.

“You doing okay, man?” I asked with feigned lightness.

This was the part I hated about being the leader. If you were a good one—no, not just a good one, but a great one, you learned to compartmentalize your own feelings, your own emotions, for the good of the group. People called it autopilot, but I referred to it as survival.

You couldn’t lead the masses when you struggled to control your own thoughts.

Though…

I wanted to fall apart again.

I wanted to break and scream and cry, giving the world my middle finger while simultaneously destroying it.

My sister, the light of my life, was dead. Gone. Eaten by some fucking monster while I remained oblivious. What type of brother was I to allow that to happen? Oh god. Josie…

I shoved all thoughts of my sister in a steel barricaded box, locking it up tight and then throwing away the key. This wasn’t healthy, I knew, but I had no other choice. If I allowed myself to think about her, think about what happened, I’d fall apart.

But this box wasn’t a foolproof option. It was riddled with explosives, and at any moment, it would ignite, burn, then explode. I knew when that happened, a barrage of hidden feelings and emotions would wash over me. Drown me. Fucking kill me.

I couldn’t allow that box to break. Not until I knew for sure my friends were safe.

So I did what I did best, what a lifetime of pain and suffering had taught me—I emptied myself, so I felt nothing at all.

“Kace,” I said again, pleased when my voice remained strident. Firm. “Are you okay?’

“Just leave without me,” he whispered in a broken whisper. “Just go.”

“Afraid I can’t do that.” I moved towards his drawer, where I knew he kept his pill bottle. I had no idea if it fucking worked where we were, but it was worth a try.

Where we were.

In Purgatory.

In Limbo, to be exact.

Hanging on to life.

Dying.

A hysterical laugh threatened to bubble up, scalding me like boiling water, but I contained it.

Do not fall apart, Aiden. You can’t afford to fucking fall apart. Not now.

“Kace, have you been taking your medication?” I asked, attempting to sound gentle. Considering the fact that nine times out of ten, I came across as an asshole no matter what I did or said, my attempt at adopting a soothing voice failed epically.

Kace’s head snapped up, his eyes shooting more venom than I ever remembered seeing from my best friend. “Fuck off, Aiden.”

“No can do,” I retorted, tossing the pill bottle in his direction. It bounced off his head, landing firmly on his bed. He didn’t make a move to grab it. To be candid, he didn’t make a move at all, simply glaring at me as if he was imagining ripping me apart limb from limb.

“This doesn’t fucking concern you,” he seethed, and I released a heavy sigh, suddenly feeling unbearably tired.

“You’re my best friend, man, and I’m not fucking leaving without you,” I said simply. He opened his mouth to protest, but I continued before he could. “And if both of us don’t leave, you can bet your ass that Bianaca won’t leave either.”

It was a low blow, using the name of the girl I knew he had strong feelings for, but it was the only thing I could think to do. I could tell it worked when he flinched, his face draining of all color.

“And if she did go, do you really think she’d survive by herself?” I continued, twisting the knife. “I know you don’t give a damn about your life…” My throat closed with emotion, thinking about all I’d already lost. Josie… “And you may not care about my life either, but I know you care about hers. I can’t tell you what to do, but…” I moved forward until I could reach him, clamping my hand down on his shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “We need you, man. Take your pills, pack up, and get your shit together. Don’t fall apart on us right now.” I finally moved away to grab my backpack from where I’d thrown it on the floor. Kace watched me with vacant eyes as I emptied it of all school supplies, sliding it onto my shoulders.

“Where are you going?” he whispered, finally lifting his head. His red hair fell over his eyes, but he didn’t lift a hand to brush the strands away.

“Grabbing food for the road,” I responded, already walking towards the door. “I don’t know where the hell we are or how we got here, but apparently, we still have to fucking eat. Who would’ve thought that death made you so hungry?”

Bianaca was waitingfor me near the entrance of the cafeteria, her foot tapping against the white tiles and her arms crossed over her chest. Despite the irritation splayed across her face, her eyes were wary, flickering from hall to hall as if she expected a teacher to rush around the corner and yell, “Boo!”

Not a teacher, I reminded myself.

A reaper, come to claim our souls and drag them to Death itself.

Just like Jo—

I shut that shit down fast.

“We need to be fast and quiet,” Bianaca hissed as soon as I was within earshot. I gripped her arm, pulling her with me until we were past the cafeteria and heading towards the backdoor of the kitchen. She glared at me, attempting to yank her arm out of my grip, but I simply smirked at her.

“What’s wrong, princess?” I taunted. “Trying to break free?”

“Yes, you asshole,” she hissed, turning her vitriol filled eyes onto me. “Why do you have to be such a dick?”

A witty retort jumped to my lips, but surprisingly, that wasn’t what left my mouth. It was something softer, more vulnerable, and I instantly wanted to slap myself. “Because I need to make sure nothing happens to you. I refuse to lose anyone else I care about.”

Fuck.

Her eyes widened, lips parting, before she seemed to regain her bearings.

Huffing, she allowed me to drag her along, no longer struggling. If anything, she leaned further against me, allowing me to catch a whiff of her vanilla and honeysuckle scent. When I was going through her shit last night, I noted that she had honeysuckle body wash and vanilla perfume. Two of my favorite fucking scents. I’d need to make sure she brought both of them with her when we left. Hell, if she didn’t want to carry them around, I would. I didn’t even care if that made me a pathetic, lovesick sap.

I loved her smell.

We were silent as we made our way towards the kitchen. I released her when we reached our destination and held up a hand to get her to stay put. I stealthily moved towards the tiny window on the door and peeked through.

Empty.

Good.

Nodding that it was safe, I pushed open the door, wincing as it gave a slight creak, and then hurried inside, Bianaca on my heels. Only when the door was shut, blocking us off from the hallway, did I release a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

“Okay, grab what you can and put it in the bags.” I nodded towards her duffle bag and my backpack. “Remember, only grab canned goods or things with seals.” Because all the rest was fucking poisoned to make us compliant, to make us forget who and where we were.

We worked in relative silence for the first few minutes. I moved to the cupboard, grabbing cans at random, while B found a selection of capped water bottles.

She was right. Well, Heath was right.

Everything we needed to leave this place was in our grasp. Why would they have edible food and drinks if they weren’t giving us a chance to escape?

God, this entire situation was so fucked up.

“How…” Bianaca’s quiet voice reached my ears, and I tensed automatically. “How are you doing?”

“Are you asking because of my breakdown last night?” I asked roughly, my hand clenching around the can I was holding. The numerous silver rings adorning my fingers appeared almost black in the darkness of the kitchen. “Don’t act like you fucking care.”

“I do care,” she responded automatically, and out of the corner of my eye, I watched her straighten, piercing me with a look that went straight to my heart.

I licked my upper lip and forced myself to keep working, keep moving.

Autopilot.

I needed to remain on autopilot. Because the second I stopped, the second I actually thought about all that had happened…

It wouldn’t be good for any of us.

“Why would you fucking care?” I asked, barely able to keep the bitterness out of my voice. “I was awful to you.”

When she first arrived at the school, claiming a room that had belonged to Josie, my fear for my sister distorted into anger towards a woman I knew in my soul was innocent. But that didn’t stop me from pushing and destroying her, wanting her to bleed the same way I was.

So why was she looking at me with such kindness? Such empathy?

I didn’t deserve that. At all. I deserved a lot of things, most of which involved hard objects and my nuts, but not the softness on her face now.

“Stop looking at me like that,” I muttered gruffly, shoving the can into my bag.

“Like what?” She rolled her eyes but finally, finally turned away.

“Like you give a damn about what happens to me.”

“I told you,” she harshly shoved a water bottle into her bag, “I do.”

“You shouldn’t.” My tongue fiddled with my lip piercing as the words left me. “I’m bad news. Everything I touch turns to dust. That’s not even a fucking cliché. Look at Jo—” I snapped my mouth shut.

“You can say her name, you know.” Bianaca’s voice was light, airy, but with a guarded undertone. “It’s okay to—”

“To what?” I spun towards her, my muscles flexing with the need to destroy, destroy, destroy. That was all I was good for, after all. Destroying things. Demolishing anything that was remotely beautiful with my anger and hate.

It was what I did to Josie, after all.

And it was what I was going to inevitably do to Bianaca if I didn’t push her away while I had the chance.

It was who I was. It was in my blood, coursing through me, alive and vibrant.

Anger, destruction, pain.

They were all I was good for.

“Don’t pretend that you understand what I’m going through,” I hissed, wanting her to hurt the way I was. I knew I would regret my actions later, but right then and there, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I wanted her to hate me, to despise me, the same way I hated and despised myself.

“I’m sorry if I made you think that—”

“Why don’t you just fuck out of my business and my life. Can you do that? I don’t need you pitying me.”

“I wasn’t trying to—”

I interrupted her yet again. “The second we escape this place, I’ll go my way and you can go yours. Just stay the fuck away from me.” I glared at her with all of the anger I could muster, all of the misdirected hatred and agony that had been percolating inside of me.

I could see the exact moment my words had the desired effect. The exact fucking second when they cut deeper than any blade could, twisting at her organs until she was dripping blood, the same way I was.

It didn’t feel as good as I’d thought it was going to.

It fucking ached.

“Fine,” Bianaca said stiffly, her shoulders bunching. She grabbed her duffle bag off the steel counter and moved towards the kitchen door. “Enjoy being alone, Aiden, because I guarantee you, after all of this is over, that’s how it’s going to be for you.”

When she stormed out the door, I didn’t feel an ounce of satisfaction, only a crippling loneliness and pain that sent me falling to my knees.

For the second time in two days, I fell apart.