Black Knight (Royal Elite #4) by Rina Kent

Since that infamous night, I haven’t done it, but I can’t help feeling the involuntary need to puke. The doctors say it’s psychological.

Eating disorder.

Mental disorder.

Life disorder.

All I want is some solitude to collect myself and go back in there.

I’m not even three minutes in before Xan’s silhouette appears from between the trees. His blond hair is styled back and his Elites’ jacket forms to his bulging muscles. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I’ll look at him and not think he’s blindingly beautiful.

He slides beside me, and I can’t help the smile that breaks out on my lips. I might have wanted solitude, but not from him – never from him.

I let my head drop on his strong bicep. “I thought you guys had a meeting with the team manager?”

“We’re done. Or I’m done, anyway.”

“Are you still suspended?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters.” I lift my head and sniff him, and the waft of alcohol hits me, even though mint comes from his breath. “You’ve been drinking.”

“Define drinking.” He grins, but even that doesn’t charm him into my heart.

“You have a problem, Xan. You need to stop.”

“It’s all under control.”

I reach into his jacket and retrieve the small bottle of Absolut Vodka he usually keeps there. “How are you keeping it under control? You’re like an old alcoholic man.”

He inhales, then tries to snatch it away. I throw it ahead letting it smash to pieces against the asphalt.

“Why the fuck did you do that?” he snaps.

“Because you need to stop.”

“You’re starting to sound like Dad.”

“Well, maybe you should listen to him. Can’t you see that you’re poisoning yourself?”

“No, just like you’re not seeing how you’re starving yourself.”

I pull away from him.

“Fuck.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You’re right, I didn’t see how I was starving myself. I didn’t see how I was slowly hitting rock bottom both emotionally and mentally, but I do now. And the reason I’m not eating is because I don’t want to vomit. It pushes me back to those times and I hate those times. I told Calvin and Elsa about it, though. I also asked the doctor if there are any food supplements I can use. I’m trying, Xan. I just want you to try, too. Don’t throw your life away because of some grudge against Lewis.”

He strokes my cheek and I lean into his hand, briefly closing my eyes. “It’s not only because of Dad.”

I glance at him. “Then what?”

“You know that moment when you think your life has no purpose, and it’s kind of numb? Alcohol and fighting make me feel.”

“Just like cutting made me feel. There was so much pain and sometimes, I couldn’t breathe, and that’s when the cutting and the pills began. They made me feel something other than that pain. They were a pain I could control, a pain that could purge it all out with the blood. The physical cut was more tolerable than the thousand emotional and mental scars I walked with every day. But you know what?”

His finger never leaves my face. “What?”

“When I almost died, I realised how temporary those feelings are. The guilt is way more permanent and long. Besides, I want real feelings, not forced ones through addictions. Don’t you?”

He thins his lips into a line but says nothing.

“What’s more important? Me or alcohol?”

He scoffs. “The alcohol started because of you, Green. I mean, it was my choice, but you’re the reason.”

“Then I’m ending it.”

He smirks. “You’re ending it?”

“Absolutely. Watch me.”

“Meh, I don’t think I can.”

“Why not?”

“Climb on my lap so I can watch you clearly.”

I hit his shoulder. “You’re awful.”

“Come here, Green.” He taps his lap and he doesn’t have to say it twice.

I crawl on top of him so my legs are on either side of his strong thighs and my arms are wrapped around his neck.

“You know, with this position, I can see your underwear.” His lips tilt upward. “Green. Seriously?”

“I thought you’d appreciate it.”

“Oh, I fucking do.” He brushes his lips against mine, then quickly pulls back.

“Tease.”

“You know why I tease you?”

“No.”

“Because you still have an adorable-as-fuck pout.”

“Hey, I’m not a kid anymore.”

“Thank fuck for that.” He thrusts his pelvis and his bulge nestles against my knickers.

He groans in his throat as my thighs shake. God, I think I’m broken. One touch from him and I’m already soaked. Shouldn’t I have gotten more self-control by now?

He grabs my hip with a large hand and claims my mouth with his. My body melts into his hard one as he thrusts his tongue inside and kisses me deep and slow.

From the outside looking in, I must appear so tiny against his body, almost nothing.

“Wait.” I pull away, my head slightly dizzy. “We’re at school.”