Crowed (Team Zero #2) by Rina Kent

I started taking lessons at the shooting range as soon as I found out about my pregnancy. I know that Ghost – or whoever he sent – is out there. I don’t catch glimpses of them, but I can sense them watching. It’s reassuring to know they’re there. However, I won’t sit back waiting for danger to come to me and my baby.

Since I’m part of a shooting range, I get to own a handgun. I practise on my own at the hill overlooking the cliff. But like every time, whenever I finish, a dark halo looms over my head.

I stand on the cliff’s edge and stare at the sparkling water below. It’s unfair how much it’s still beautiful even after swallowing Crow.

Sometimes, I block that day from memory and just recall when he brought me here on the back of his scary motorcycle. I never opened up to anyone as much as I did to him. Not even with my shrink. And it was so easy, like I was always meant to do that.

Those memories, the good ones, the ones where he showed me what I could be, are my encouragement during my dark days. When it gets too hard, I just close my eyes and remember his words.

But other times, as I stare at the rocks with the waves crashing onto them, I only replay that horrifying moment when he threw himself over the edge.

When he was gone forever.

All I have left is memories, haunting me, filling me with regrets and what-ifs. The thought that life goes on without him deepens the hollowness inside me. There’s an emptiness, a shard of nothingness that will always stay with me.

Even if no one else remembers him, I will. Everything about him is engraved in me.

I place a hand on my stomach. There is a bump, a glimmer of a miracle, growing inside me. Although Crow left, a part of him will always exist. This baby is my reason to live. My reason to fight on.

My baby and I deserve to live.

I wish Crow were here. No idea if he would’ve made a good father, but I’m sure he would’ve loved and protected us. Because that’s exactly what he did with me.

My lips tremble and my legs shake. Unable to remain standing, I crouch, hiding my face in my palms. Silent coping doesn’t work sometimes.

I’ve been focusing on becoming a mother and trying to forget all the heartache from four months ago. But sometimes, like now, I can’t keep the tears at bay. I can’t pretend I’m completely all right.

My shrink – that I’ve been visiting regularly – calls my shooting sessions a coping mechanism, but she doesn’t know the whole story. I’ve been shooting not to forget about Crow, but to pretend to be him. To be able to protect myself and our baby like he would have protected us.

I’m no longer the woman who welcomes death with open arms. I became someone who will fight death until the last breath I have.



*****



On my way back, Charlotte keeps barking and wiggling her tail. She comes to a screeching halt when an orange fur ball saunters out of the house.

I guess she would never get used to him, especially since he’s a bit of a bastard.

“Hey, Orange,” I greet him.

The cat doesn’t even acknowledge my existence and continues sauntering away.

As I said – a bastard.

But when I found him two months ago, tiny and shivering in the rain, I couldn’t just leave him. Since he’s so conveniently orange, I named him that. Somehow, I saw Crow’s little cat in him.

When I go into the house, however, Orange dashes inside. He starts meowing the “I’m starving, human, give me food,” meow. I smile and reach for the cupboard for his favourite tuna. Charlotte watches from a distance as he eats, ignoring her own food. She’s cautious about the cat, but sometimes I catch her snuggling next to him.

After dinner, the sky grows dark. I write three notes.

‘I visited Maman and Papa’s graves today and talked to them for an hour.’

‘I forgive my dad. I know he was evil, but it’s not good to hold a grudge against him. After all, his name was what Maman whispered when she had a fewer.’

‘I bought more baby clothes and started decorating the room.’

With a smile, I put the notes in the jar, take my hot chocolate, and head upstairs. Charlotte and Orange join me as I push the door to the bedroom. His bedroom.

Ever since Crow left, I haven’t been able to sleep anywhere but in his bed. Sometimes, I hug the clothes he left behind and pretend he’s here with me.

Not healthy. I know. My shrink doesn’t need to hear about this.

All his weapons, the leather bag, and his bike disappeared when I returned from the hospital, but whoever packed his things forgot his clothes.

I retrieve his T-shirt and put it on as a sleeping robe. Time has been washing away his leather scent. The more I can’t smell it, the more it feels like losing him all over again.

I sniffle back tears and slip underneath the soft covers. The season changed from summer to autumn, and winter will soon start. Sometimes, I wish all year long would be summer.

Orange and Charlotte snuggle beside me as I retrieve a baby care book from the drawer.

Having a baby is what I should be focusing on.

I stopped working the night shifts because I need the normal sleeping hours for my baby’s health. Since I’m not drowning in debts anymore, I only work the day shift. The money Crow left me would last me for a lifetime, but I like taking care of people.

I’ll keep that money for our child’s future.