The Damaged (The Insiders Trilogy #2) - Tijan by Tijan

He tensed, and I knew I shouldn’t have asked. Bringing him up always brought this result.

Kash didn’t move away. He remained tense, but it was like he couldn’t peel himself away from me. He moved more to his backside, his head resting on the pillow beside mine. His side was still plastered against mine. Reaching down, he lifted one of my legs and pulled it over his, and his hands began running up and down the inside of my thigh.

“Yes. I can’t say what yet, because I don’t know if it’ll pan out, but yes. I wouldn’t have gone, otherwise.”

I rolled my head on the pillow to see him more fully.

“Does that mean that when you travel to another continent for a one-hour meeting, the likelihood it’s got something to do with your grandfather is pretty high?”

His top lip moved up. “Very high likelihood.”

I nodded. “Good to know. That’ll save my questions.”

And another one I was a bit hesitant about but still wanted to know.

“Um.” I bit my lip. “I want to know how you’re fighting him. I want to know—”

I stopped, because he pulled away from me, sighing as he sat upright. He didn’t get out of bed, but he sat there. His head folded down and he raised his knees up, resting his arms over them, his hands dangling. He hadn’t just pulled away from me. He took his hand away, he took his kisses away, and I was feeling the cold.

My heart hurt.

I bit farther down on my lip, wanting to apologize, but fear was literally squeezing my heart.

What was he going to do against his grandfather? What moves could he make against him? Was he thinking everything through? Was he—

“You can’t know.”

He stopped my thoughts, twisting around, and I felt slapped again. Not by his words, though. Not even by his tone, because he sounded so exhausted, already too exhausted. I was slapped by the look in his eyes.

Haunted.

Torn.

He had ghosts that I didn’t know about. I felt them then. I knew it then: his agony went deeper than anything I’ve felt. It was a strange feeling, an odd sensation, as if I was feeling someone else’s skin over mine but I couldn’t see it wasn’t my skin. I could just feel it wasn’t mine. But instead of shrugging it off, I wanted to reach for it. I wanted to drag it in to me, make it mine, and that’s what I wanted to do with his ghosts.

“Who I am. Who I come from. Who I’m fighting. It’s already touching you. I have to stop it from taking you over. And it will, so easily. That’s on me. That’s my burden to bear, and I’m doing it so that you don’t carry it one bit. There are things I will do, people I will use, people I will hurt, and I cannot tell you. I tell you, and it’s over. You feel that world, and I won’t let you. You’re in school. You’re doing the thing you’ve been wanting to do for so long. I won’t take that dream away from you, and don’t make me take that away from you.”

A single tear.

I was affected, and I was swimming in emotions, but most of it was just pure love for him. Yeah. He had ghosts. And now it was confirmed that he wouldn’t share them with me.

I smiled sadly at him. “I love you, but I won’t fight you. I will only say that any burden you have, I carry regardless, because I carry you, too. It goes both ways.”

He whispered back, “I’d never let you feel that pain.” He leaned down, bracing himself so he didn’t fall, and kissed me. His mouth found mine in the sweetest kiss.

I felt an invisible hand grabbing my heart and crushing the life out of it.

He moved to kiss the corner of my mouth before he got out of bed.

He masked his haunts, running a hand down the side of my face. “Can you sleep?”

I caught his hand. “Hold me.”

He glanced to the clock. I had an hour before I needed to get up for the day, and he made his decision.

I knew he wouldn’t sleep, but neither of us spoke on that, either. He slid back into bed, curling his body around mine, and he wrapped his arms tight. I fell asleep like that.

He was gone when I woke an hour later.

He’d already gone to work.





FIFTEEN


I was on the phone, calling Kash, thirty-eight minutes later.

He answered, “You heading to school?”

“Yep,” I replied, sitting in the back of my car, which was being driven by Fitz that morning. Erik was next to him. I tucked the phone more securely between my ear and shoulder and hauled up my bag. I needed to read over one last chapter, so I was hoping to have it ready to go, once this conversation was done. With that thought, I got to it. “Where’s your office?”

“What?”

“Your office. I figure you have one that you use, but I don’t know where it is.”

“You want to come see me at my office?”

I could hear his smile, and that made me smile. “Maybe. I think it’s a good idea I know where to find you, and I also want to come see you at your office today.”

He laughed briefly, his voice definitely smiling. “I’ve got a few, but I use my office at Naveah the most. I’m here today. And speaking of, can I pick you up for lunch?”

I faltered.

Did I want to have lunch with my man? Yes.

Should I have lunch with my classmates so I didn’t isolate myself from them? Um, yes, but it was only a hesitant yes, because I’d much rather have lunch with Kash.