Love, Theoretically by Ali Hazelwood

            • • •

            Academic job interviews are famously optimized to ensure the candidate’s maximum suffering. So I’m not surprised when I get to Miel and find out that it’s a multi-fork, Lego-portioned, May I recommend a 1934 sauvignon blanc type of restaurant.

            I observe a minute of silence for the expensive, excellent cheese I’ll order but not enjoy while busy hustling for my future—bleu d’Auvergne; brie; camembert (significantly different from brie, despite what the heathens say). Then I step into the restaurant, newborn-calf wobbly on my high heels.

            There were no pantyhose at the store, which means that I’m wearing thigh highs—a fitting tribute to the burlesque that is my life. I’m also 56 percent sure that I shouldn’t have let Cece talk me into her crimson-red sheath dress or her cardinal-red lipstick or her lava-red nail polish.

            “You look like Taylor Swift circa 2013,” she told me, pleased, finishing side-curling my hair.

            “I was aiming more for AOC circa 2020.”

            “Yeah.” She sighed. “We all were.”

            I reach for my phone. Under the inexplicably vulva-shaped cracks on the screen—the iTwat, Cece calls it—I find a last-minute email from my advisor:


You’ll make a fantastic impression. Remember: more than any other candidate, you are entitled to this position.



            His trust is like a hand on my shoulder: reassuringly warm and uncomfortably heavy. I shouldn’t be this nervous. Not because I’ve got the job in the bag—I’ve got nothing in the bag, except death, federal student loans repayment, and three-year-old Mentos crusted in lint. What I do have is lots of practice showing people that I am who they want me to be, and that’s what interviewing is all about. I once convincingly played a lovesick ballerina, kneeling in the middle of a crowded restaurant to propose to a balding middle-aged man who smelled like feet—just so he could refuse me in front of his work archrival. I should be able to convince a handful of MIT professors that I’m a decent physicist. Right?

            I don’t know. Maybe. I think so. Yeah.

            I’ll just focus on the fake-girlfriending protocol. APE, Cece and I call it. (Well, I call it APE. Cece just shakes her head and asks, “What’s wrong with scientists? Were you all, like, bullied in high school?”) First, assess the need: What is it that the person in front of me wants to see? Then, plan a response: How can I become what they want? And lastly, enact—

            “Dr. Hannaway?”

            I turn around. A dark-haired woman studies me as I mentally rehearse how to human. “Dr. Salt?”

            Her handshake is strong. Businesslike. “It is nice to meet you in person.”

            “Likewise.”

            “Come—let’s go to the bar.”

            I follow her, a little starstruck. Dr. Monica Salt wrote the textbook on theoretical physics—literally. The Salt has been sitting tight on my shelf for over a decade. Nine hundred pages of excellent content. Bonus: it squashes the hornet-crab spiders like a dream.

            “Dr. Hannaway?” She sounds assertive. Charismatic. Badass. Like I wish I felt.

            “Elsie, please.”

            “Monica, then. I’m happy you applied for the position. When I saw your CV, I thought for sure some other university would have snatched you up by now.”

            I smile, noncommittal. Yep, that’s me. Beating off job offers with a stick.

            “Your dissertation on liquid crystals’ static distortions in biaxial nematics was brilliant, Elsie.”

            I feel myself flush. Sex does nothing for me, but maybe this is my kink: being complimented by leading scholars in my field. Hot, huh? “You’re too kind.”

            “I can hardly believe how much your work has already affected our understanding of non-equilibrium systems and macroscopic coherent motion. Liquid crystals are a hot topic in theoretical physics, and you’ve positioned yourself as an expert.”

            I am thoroughly flattered. Well, almost thoroughly: there is something in her tone that has me on edge. Something odd. Nudging.

            “Your discoveries are going to have long-ranging impact on many fields, from displays to optical imaging to drug delivery. Truly impressive.”