Love, Theoretically by Ali Hazelwood

            “And let’s keep in touch. Grab lunch once the semester is over.”

            “I’d love that.”

            “Fantastic. Was there any feedback you’d like to give me regarding the search?”

            Jack’s voice rings in my ear: You say what you think. And when you can’t, at least let yourself think it.

            Okay. Well. Monica, you know that highly irregular meeting we had before my interview? Maybe you should have told me that I had no chance. Also, you overdid it with the cow decor. Also also, your son is a psycho, and I hope he dislocates his dick while publicly humping a fire hydrant.

            “Just, thank you for everything you’ve done. I appreciate it.”

            Jack might have a point. Contemplating the truth is a nice, cheap thrill.

            By the time I hang up, I have two new emails—one from a student asking for my credit card number to buy fifteen hundred live ladybugs, one from Greg.


Hey Elsie,


I’ve been wanting to get in touch, but Jack said it was better to wait, and . . . well, I hear you’re now in the know. Sorry you didn’t get the job. But it’s so cool that you’re a physicist. What are the chances? Maybe Jack can help you find something else? He has tons of connections!


Anyway, would you like to get lunch in the next few days to debrief? I’ll buy!


-G


PS: I have been informed that I attempted to urinate on/near you. I am deeply regretful of my actions.



            I’m considering my sudden lunch popularity—take that, middle school bullies—and almost don’t notice Cece sitting next to me at the table. “Hey.” She’s eating croutons straight from the bag, picking them out with chopsticks. As per my usual policy, I don’t ask. “How do you feel?”

            “I feel . . .” What a good question. “Like all the plot balls that I was juggling have dropped to the floor. And I have no idea what comes next in my story.”

            This is not your character arc, Elsie. More like a . . . character bump.

            “Could there be a positive side?”

            I cock my head. “Positive?”

            “Now you don’t have to juggle anymore. You can use your hands to . . . flip people off. Scratch your butt crack. Become a finger puppeteer.” She shrugs. “If you woke up tomorrow and could choose anything, what would you do?”

            My eyes, quicker than my brain, fall on the upper left corner of my computer, where my Word doc sleeps its neglected slumber. I’d finish my work on two-dimensional liquid crystals, I instantly think. But how, without the MIT job? And that ball has dropped, which means that—

            Cece sighs. “Okay, you know what? That was a hard question. Let’s just daydream about the future.”

            “Sure.” I lean back in my seat. “Income inequality? Nuclear proliferation? Climate change?”

            “I’m always up for discussing how rising sea levels will lead the merpeople to claim the lost city of Miami, but I was thinking more . . . next year. Money.”

            I sigh. “UMass has open instructor slots, and so does—”

            “No. Listen, I don’t want you to do that. I’ve been thinking about this, and . . . I think I can swing it.” Her earnest, heartfelt look is only slightly undercut by the waving of a caesar crouton. “Kirk is giving me a job. He said he’ll need me at least twice a week, and he wants to pay me like an employee. His team is actually drawing up a contract.”

            I frown. Why does Kirk crop up so much in conversation? And above all: “Where does Kirk get the money?”

            “He’s a scientist.”

            “As a scientist myself, let me ask you once again: Where does Kirk get the money?” A spine-chilling thought occurs to me. “Please tell me he’s not Elon Musk.”

            “You monster. Take that back.”

            “He’s the only rich scientist I can think of!”

            “Kirk is Kirk, I promise! He’d never write petulant tweets about how the world is unfair to poor billionaires. To be honest, I doubt he knows what Twitter is. He’s like . . .” Her eyes shine a little. “A total nerd, Elsie. In grad school he created this material that everyone wants, then he built a company around it with his friend who has an MBA. But the company is huge now, as in, ridiculously big. It has stocks and stuff.” Cece’s getting animated. Croutons fly all over the room. Hedgie has noticed. “So now he has all these functions and meetings he needs to go to, and he hates them, but he says that if I’m there, they’re more bearable, even though I know nothing about science or money—”