Not in Love by Ali Hazelwood

Eli’s face hardened. “Florence is the reason you’re in this situation. Harkness may have precipitated it, but I’m not talking to you on behalf of anyone but myself. You’re the scientist I could never be, and I respect you infinitely for this, but these kinds of deals are what I know. Let me negotiate one for you. Let me take care of you.”

My brain scrambled to consider the possibilities. This was Eli. I could trust him, right?

You trusted Florence.

“How—how do I know that you’re not just saying this because Harkness wants to own my patent, too?”

He seemed briefly on the brink of exasperation, but compassion flickered in his eyes. “I know how you feel. You’re wondering how the fuck you got yourself into this situation. Why you trusted the kind of person who would do this to you. You’re secondguessing every single thing you’ve done in the last few years and wondering if there is something wrong with you. You’re angry, because Florence was your friend, and you relied on her for more than just a salary or lab space. I get it. Believe me, I have been right fucking there.” He looked at me like we were on the edge of a cliff, and he was asking me to take his hand. “Rue, I need you to acknowledge that I’m not her.”

“Eli, I . . .” My throat choked up. I was confused. Overwhelmed. And he must have known, because his voice became even more gentle.

“Hey. You said it yourself—you and I, we’re not just fucking.” His smile was hopeful. Encouraging. “I’m here for you. You can trust me.”

But could I? Should I trust anyone? Had there ever been a time in my life when trust had not ended in disappointment? And why should Eli be different? “Why would you . . . why would you even do this for me?”

He finally let go of my arm, and for a split second I wondered if he was, at last, fed up. Done with me. But it was less than a heartbeat, and then he was close again, hands cradling my face, thumbs swiping my cheeks, eyes tethered to mine. “Why do you think, Rue?”

I blinked at him, letting his question float through my head, unable to grasp the answer that was right in front of me. He watched me patiently, waiting for a response, any response. And when none came, I saw something fade behind his eyes.

He leaned in, tipping his forehead against mine, and the closeness was heaven. “Would you like a story, Rue?”

I instantly nodded. I needed something—anything—that would help me understand.

“Hark and Minami broke up over ten years ago, but he never got over her. Never. I simply could not understand why he wouldn’t move on after she so clearly had. ‘Could not be me,’ I thought. I was so sure. And then, Rue, I met you. And you casually cracked my life into before and after you.” His lips curved. For a moment he looked genuinely happy. “Out of all the people I’ve met, the things I’ve wanted, the places I’ve been, none has ever felt as necessary as you do. Because I love you. I love you in a way I didn’t think I was capable of. I love you because you showed me how to fall in love. And I don’t regret it, Rue. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Even if you can never say it back. Even if you never think about me again after today. Even if you were right after all, and you’re not capable of love.”

He let go of me, and we were back to the cliff. Except that my hand had slipped from Eli’s, and I was free-falling. Already broken, or soon to be.

“Isn’t this the most tragic story you’ve ever heard?”

I couldn’t find my words, but it didn’t matter. He left the conference room with a single nod that felt like the deepest of farewells, and I stood still for a long, long time, trying to convince my body to remember how to breathe.





37





THE FRIENDS WE MADE ALONG THE WAY





ELI

Minami found him sitting on one of the swinging chairs on the back porch, the ones Maya had bought at a yard sale and restored the previous summer, when she’d been between undergrad and her master’s and had wanted a relaxing craft project to free her mind. The sun was on the verge of setting, a blend of blue and gold and orange hues, and Eli thought it a fitting way to bookend this long, messy, poignant day in which so many things had come to a close.

“Isn’t it too disgustingly hot to be outside?” Minami asked.

He tipped his bottle at her and smiled. “Beer’s nice and cool.”

“God, I’m jealous.”

“Have one, too.”

“Can’t.”

“Yeah, you can. They’re in the fridge.”

“No, Eli. I can’t.”

He frowned, confused. Then it dawned on him all at once, and his eyes bugged out of his face. “Holy shit.”

“Yup.”

“Are you really—”

“Yup, yup.”

“When did you—shit. When you were sick, you weren’t really—”

“Nope. Well, I was puking my heart out. Just not for the reason you thought.”

He hadn’t thought it possible, not after the last few hours, but happy laughter burst out of him. He stood, enveloping Minami in a bear hug. “Jesus. Wow.”

“We’re so happy,” she said against his T-shirt.

“I bet.” He shook his head, amazed. “You’re going to be fantastic parents. Obnoxious, too.”