House of Flame and Shadow (Crescent City #3) by Sarah J. Maas

She took a shaky breath. “I trained, and I schemed, and I wound up in Sandriel’s triarii, a high honor for my family. I’d been serving Sandriel for ten years when my father chose me for this ritual. I had become adept at … getting people to talk. Pollux and I were dancing around each other, but I had not yet decided to let him into my bed. So I went to the ritual.”

Ruhn couldn’t move, couldn’t have spoken even if he wanted to.

“A few weeks later, I knew I was pregnant. A baby from a sacred ritual would have been celebrated. I should have rushed right to my father to announce the good news, but I hesitated. For the first time in my life, I hesitated. And I didn’t know why I couldn’t tell him. Why, when I thought of the baby inside of me, when I thought of handing that child over to him, I couldn’t.”

She hooked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, the restless motion at odds with her usual poised demeanor. Ruhn refrained from putting a hand on her shoulder.

“I knew that within a matter of days, Pollux or the others—Athalar was still with us then—would scent the pregnancy. So I staged my own kidnapping and disappearance. I made it look like Ophion had grabbed me. I didn’t even know where I was running to. But I couldn’t stop thinking of the babies—I knew it was twins, by that point—and how I would do anything to keep them out of my father’s hands. Out of Sandriel’s hands. I knew, deep down, what sort of monsters I served. I had always known. And I didn’t want to be like them. Not just for the babies’ sake, but my own. So I ran.”

“And that’s when the Ocean Queen found you?” His voice was hoarse.

“I found her. When I finally paused to breathe, I remembered what some rebels had claimed while I … interrogated them. That the ocean itself would come to help them. It seemed strange enough that I took a chance. I walked into a known rebel base and surrendered. I begged to be taken to the ocean.”

He couldn’t imagine what she’d felt in that moment—knowing her children’s lives hung in the balance.

“Their highest commanders understood, and got me onto the Depth Charger. The Ocean Queen welcomed me, but with a caveat. I could stay on her ship, bear the babies, and remain for a time. But in exchange for her protection, and the continued protection of my children … I had to go back. I would spin a lie about being interrogated and held prisoner for more than two years, and I would go back. Work my way up in the Asteri’s esteem, gain their trust. I would feed any intel to Ophion—and by extension, the Ocean Queen.”

“And you could not see your sons.”

“No. I would not see my sons again. At least, not until the Ocean Queen allowed me to.”

“That’s terrible.”

“It kept them safe.”

“And kept you in her service.”

“Yes. I tried to save the rebels who crossed my path, though.”

“Was it your idea or hers to save them?” He didn’t realize how vital her answer was until he asked the question.

“I told you, my eyes had been opened. And while I had to play the part of interrogator and loyal servant, I did everything I could to mitigate the damage. There were agents who were about to talk, to spill vital secrets. Those, I had to kill. ‘Accidents’ during torture. But I gave them swift, merciful deaths. The ones who held out, or who stood a chance … I tried to get them out. Sometimes it didn’t work.”

“Like Sofie Renast.”

“Like Sofie Renast,” she said quietly. “I did not intend for her to drown. The mistake in timing … I carry that.”

He took her hand—slowly, making sure she’d allow the touch. “What happened when you returned?”

“Pollux confessed his feelings. Said he’d been frantic to find me for the two years I’d been gone. That he’d slaughtered countless rebels trying to find me. The old Lidia would have slept with him. And I knew it would make my cover complete. The rest is history.”

She lifted her gaze to his. “I’m not wholly innocent, you see,” she said. “Had it not been for my sons, I might very well have become the person the world believes me to be, forever ignoring that small voice whispering that it was wrong.”

“It must have been so … lonely,” he said.

Surprise lit her eyes at his understanding. It shamed him. “Then you came along,” she said. “This nearly inept, reckless agent.”

He snickered.

She smiled. “And you saw me. For the first time, you saw me. I could talk to you as I hadn’t spoken to anyone. You reminded me that I was—I am—alive. I hadn’t felt that way in a very long time.”

He scanned her face. Saw past that remarkable beauty and into the burning soul inside.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she whispered.

“Like what?” he murmured.

But she shook her head and got to her feet, walking to the door.

Ruhn caught up to her before she could reach for the knob. “Lidia.”

She paused, but didn’t look at him.

He laid a hand on her cheek. Gently turned her face back to his. Her skin was so soft, so warm. “Lidia,” he said roughly. “Finding out who you are … it fucked with my head. To know you’re the Hind, but also Lidia—also Day. My Day. But now …” He swallowed.