Such a Pretty Face by Annabelle Costa

Chapter 34

Brody’s body makes me a little nervous, and he knows it. I’ve been very open about exploring above the waist. I kiss his chest and his neck and his face and his ears, and run my hands through his hair, and all that is great. But I never ever even touch him below the belt. He’s never even had his boxers off in my presence.

There are a few reasons for this. First, I’m nervous about the catheter situation, and how to deal with that. Also, I’m scared of his penis. Or of penises in general. I’ve never had sex before, never touched a man’s penis, and the whole idea is terrifying.

And then, of course, there’s the fact that Brody seems completely uninterested in sex. Which makes sense if he can’t feel anything.

But on the other hand, it’s something we should do at some point. We’re adults. Most adults who have been in a relationship as long as we have do have sex. It’s getting to the point where it’s weird that we haven’t.

One day when we’re lying in bed together, kissing and touching, Brody says out of nowhere, “I can have sex, you know.”

“Oh,” I say.

“I just…” He heaves a deep breath. “In case you want, I mean, I can. It’s no big deal either way.”

We look at each other. This is the time for honesty. As hard as it’s going to be, I need to tell him the truth. “I’m still a virgin,” I say.

To my surprise, he says, “Yeah.”

I stare at him. “You knew?”

“Well,” he says, “I didn’t know, but I sort of suspected, yeah.”

My cheeks burn. I remember Sean’s comment about how neither of them was sure if I’d ever had a boyfriend before. Does he think I’m so disgusting that no other man would have slept with me? Does everyone I meet know I must be a virgin?

“Just because you seemed so nervous about it,” he adds quickly.

Nice save, Brody.

“You don’t have to be nervous though.” He touches my face. “I’m the one who should be nervous. I have zero control. If anyone screws things up, it’s going to be me.”

“What happened with… you know, that girl you were dating before me?” I ask. “The older one.”

“She wasn’t that old.” Brody makes a face. “Linda was, like, ten years older than me. But the bigger issue was that she was my PCA, and it was hard to separate that from our relationship. And yeah, she did like to boss me around, and she always thought she knew better than I did. I mean, I moved out of my parents’ house to get away from that, and then I ended up with this controlling girlfriend.”

“So you dumped her?”

He shakes his head. “Not exactly. It just kind of spiraled downward for a long time. She kept being my evening PCA even after we were dating and I felt like it was inappropriate. I mean, you don’t want your girlfriend doing that kind of personal stuff for you, and I didn’t want to feel like I had to count on her. Plus I was still paying her, so it felt unethical and I was afraid the insurance company would bust us. That was the last thing I needed.” He grimaces. “So I said I was going to hire someone else, and she got jealous. And pissed off at me, because I was kind of firing her. She told me that if I didn’t keep her on as my PCA, she was going to dump me. And I wouldn’t, so she dumped me.”

“Wow.” I run my hand over his chest. “That’s rough.”

“I was pretty wrecked,” he says. “It was like six years since I’d had a girlfriend when she came along, and she knew it. We didn’t end on the best terms, and she said to me, ‘Good luck finding someone else.’ I tried not to let it get to me, but it did. I was scared I’d never meet another girl again. And, well, it was a while before I did. Over three years.” He smiles at me. “But it’s been worth the wait.”

I touch his face, feeling the little reddish hairs of his five o’clock shadow under my fingertips. It’s so sexy when he says stuff like that.

“Whatever you want to do is fine with me, Emily,” he says. “I mean, Linda was used to sex, so we had sex. I took a pill, and I was able to perform for her, so you and I could do that. But I’m not in any kind of rush. At all. I can’t feel it anyway, so it’s your call.” He grins at me. “I’m perfectly satisfied just eating you out.”

It would almost be easier if he took the decision out of my hands—if he was a usual pushy guy who wanted to have sex with me non-stop. But I want to have sex with him. Even though I’ve never experienced it before, I crave him inside of me.

We’re going to do it. Just not yet.