The SEAL’s Surprise Baby by Leslie North

14

Violet opened her eyes, feeling like a truck had slammed into her. She’d spent the entire day before in bed, only waking a few times when Anderson came to check on her. She’d heard Nate cry just once, so Anderson must have kept the baby entertained.

She was lucky Anderson was there. He’d cared for her in a way that suggested there might be more between them than attraction. She’d felt him tuck the blankets around her, stroke her hair, and kiss her forehead. She’d seen the same gentleness in the way he acted with Nate. Could it be that he wanted to be a family?

She shouldn’t let herself hope, since it might only lead to disappointment. But during their time together, she’d realized that her interest in him was deeper than she’d initially thought. Maybe it was sharing a child with him that brought on these feelings, but she wanted him in her life. Staring at the ceiling, she let out a long sigh.

Slowly, she got out of bed and put on fresh clothes. In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth and slathered tinted moisturizer on her face to improve her wan appearance. She eyed herself in the mirror. She looked almost human—not good, but alive and functioning. When she was dressed, she made her way down the stairs, keeping a hand on the rail.

“What are you doing out of bed?” Anderson strode up the stairs to meet her before she got more than halfway down.

“I’m better. I think,” she said, still feeling light-headed. “Thanks for taking over yesterday.”

“No problem.” He was studying her face closely. “You need to spend the day on the couch.”

He put his arm around her waist and guided her into the living room, where he settled her on the couch and even propped a pillow behind her back. She glanced up into his concerned face, trying to see past it to his heart. If she could see inside him, what would she find? A man just doing what he had to to see this mission through? Or something else, something more personal.

“Thanks,” she murmured, managing a slight smile.

“What can I get you?” he asked.

“Nothing.” She hated to admit that just doing what she had left her feeling shaky. Her legs were wobbly, and she felt clammy all over. Maybe a day on the couch was a good plan. “Where’s Nate?”

“Snoozing in his crib,” Anderson said.

“Oh, that’s unusual at this time.” She glanced at the clock. Nate’s schedule had been a little off since moving to the safe house, but this was way out of whack. “Did he get up early?”

“No, he just seemed tired, so I put him down.”

She nodded, having no choice but to defer to Anderson’s judgment since she hadn’t been there to evaluate Nate for herself. It was probably fine.

“Would you like me to bring you the intel?” Anderson offered. It was still in the dining room, which seemed a long way off considering how she felt.

“Sure, that’ll give me something to do,” she said.

Anderson retrieved various folders and the laptop. She reviewed everything that she’d already looked at, but nothing new popped out at her. It was frustrating. She had to be missing some detail that revealed why they were being targeted and by whom precisely. Signs pointed to Volkhov’s organization, but she couldn’t be sure who was pursuing them on his behalf. If she could be certain of that, they might be able to take action and end it. Not knowing was driving her up the wall.

She tossed the folder she’d been reviewing onto the coffee table and listened for Anderson and Nate. Babbling sounds from the kitchen told her where they were, so she got up, determined to join them. She made it to the kitchen doorway and leaned against the jamb. Anderson had Nate in the baby carrier and was emptying the dishwasher. Instead of bending over to retrieve the dishes, Anderson was doing squats and powering up. The motion made Nate squeal every time.

“Are you sure you should do that with him?” she asked. In her imagination, she saw Nate fly out the top of the carrier and crash to the floor.

Anderson stilled at her words. “It seems okay,” he said, “but if you prefer I didn’t, I’ll stop.”

“Please,” she said. “I don’t think it’s safe.” Her fears were probably unfounded, but she couldn’t keep from worrying.

“Sure,” Anderson agreed readily. “We’re headed to the backyard for a bit. Do you want to sit on the deck?”

A leftover wave of dizziness came over her, and she shook her head. “Remember to keep him out of direct sun. Baby skin burns so easily.”

“Do you have sunscreen for him?”

“No,” she snapped, “you can’t use that on babies his age.” How did Anderson not know that? “You can’t put chemicals on young skin.”

“Right,” Anderson said, his expression going flat. “I didn’t realize that.”

“I’m going back to the couch,” she said, since her head was spinning a bit.

“Can I get you anything?” Anderson asked. “Toast, crackers?”

She mumbled a “No, thanks” and returned to the couch, where she fell asleep. When she woke, it was early evening and she felt better. The room didn’t move when she sat up. That was an improvement. She glanced around the space. Nate must have been playing in the living room while she slept. Toys, usually kept in the basket, were scattered across the floor. She felt instant guilt. She should have known her son was playing just feet away from her, but she’d slept through it. How could she relinquish the care of her child to a man who knew almost nothing about kids?

Anderson had done fine, she reminded herself—but he was inexperienced. And what if something had happened? Did Anderson know CPR for infants? Was he aware of choking hazards? He was trained for battlefield wounds, not kid stuff. What if…

She stopped herself. She was being irrational. Anderson was an intelligent man. He’d make an appropriate decision. Hell, he could simply have woken her up if he needed help. But as much as she might be interested in a relationship with Anderson, she could never forget that Nate was ultimately her responsibility. She’d accepted that when she read the plus sign on the pregnancy test. And that made it tough to relinquish control. Tough to deal with being on the run, hunted.

She was just worn down, that was the problem. Worn down and frustrated with their situation. She eyed the intel that still sat on the coffee table and grimaced. Just as she reached for it to take another look, she heard water running in the bathtub overhead.

Anderson had helped with Nate’s bath, but he’d never done the entire thing. Did he know the correct water temperature? Did he know not to leave Nate in the tub unattended for even a second?

She got off the couch more quickly than she’d moved in two days. Upstairs, she opened the bathroom door. Nate was in the tub by himself with Anderson’s large hand supporting his back. They were both laughing, but it didn’t reduce her stress. Nate could easily fall over, and a baby could drown in just an inch of water.

“You shouldn’t bathe him that way,” she said. “He’s not stable sitting up yet.”

“I’ve got him, Violet. He’s not going anywhere.” Anderson wrung out the washcloth one-handed and draped it over the side of the tub.

“He could slip away from you so easily.” Kids were notoriously difficult to hang onto.

Anderson sighed. “I’ll take him out, since we’re done anyway. Do you want to put him to bed?”

“I…” She didn’t yet trust herself to carry Nate. “Will you take him to his room? I can get it from there.” She managed to dress Nate in a sleeper and lift him into his crib. Wanting to spend some time with him, she stayed, stroked his hair, and sang a lullaby until he fell asleep. She had to admit that he appeared to be just fine after two days of Anderson’s care, but her mother’s heart felt heavy.

When she made her way back downstairs, Anderson was coming from the kitchen with a half-drunk beer in his hand. He followed her into the living room, where she dropped to the floor and began gathering up the scattered toys to return them to the basket. When she finished, she looked up to see him silently watching her.

“I suppose I did that wrong, too,” he said as he took a swallow of beer.

“Huh?” What was he talking about?

“I didn’t pick up the toys right away, didn’t know about sunscreen, gave him his bath wrong. Anything else I screwed up today?” he demanded.

“What are you—”

“I told you from the beginning that I’m not cut out to be a parent.” He slammed the beer bottle down on the coffee table. “I guess I’ve proven that to you now.”

“That’s not… I didn’t mean to nitpick. It’s just—”

He shot her a look that made her stop speaking. “You don’t trust me to care for him, and I guess I can’t blame you there, since you know me and my family history.”

She knew what her research had told her and what he himself had said a few evenings earlier. He had real concerns about his ability to parent, but she thought she’d reassured him about that. Except… except today, when she’d undercut that reassurance with every word she’d said to him. She’d done nothing but criticize. Sinking down on the couch, she dropped her head in her hands.

“I understand you want what’s best for Nate and feel the need to be in charge of his care.” Anderson’s tone was carefully neutral. “That’s your right as his mother, and you do it well. We both need to accept that I can’t be a dad. It’s not in me.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, looking up. “I didn’t mean for it to come off like that. I’m just… the stress is getting to me. I was doing okay until I got sick, and then…” She was making excuses, which she hated, but there was some truth to them as well. She was frustrated by their helplessness, frustrated by their predicament, and frustrated with herself for not being able to do more. “You stepped up and cared for him. You did what a dad does. So well. Please don’t say you aren’t capable of being a father to Nate, because it’s just not true.”

“It is true,” he countered. “Being a mom comes so naturally to you. You’re amazing at it, and from what you’ve said, you had a great example. That’s how this works, so it makes sense that you’ve got it all together.”

“Thanks,” she said. “I appreciate that.” His compliment meant a lot to her, and she smiled at him. He didn’t return the expression. If anything, he looked more upset, lips pursed and brow wrinkled. What was that about? She straightened the folders on the coffee table and tried to analyze his mood.

Oh. The light bulb went on for her a second later. By accepting his compliment that she was a good mother from a line of good mothers, she’d just reinforced his belief that he couldn’t be a good father since he’d had no example.

She caught movement out of the corner of her eye and saw Anderson headed from the room.

“Anderson. Wait. Please come back. I need to tell you something,” she said, making up her mind to share details with him that she’d only told her mother.

“What?” His tone was flat, which made it more difficult for her to continue.

She had to tell him, though. She owed him that, and she was glad when he came back and sat in a chair facing her. It still took her a few seconds to begin.

“I’ve told you that I refused to acknowledge that I was pregnant until it was undeniable. What I didn’t tell you was the complete panic I felt. I didn’t think I could do it.” She remembered her racing heartbeat and how she’d sat on the bathroom floor for an hour, filled with terror. Afterward she’d managed to drag herself into her bedroom, where she’d sprawled across the bed, staring at the ceiling in paralyzed fear.

“By yourself, you mean,” he said, misinterpreting her words.

“I didn’t think I could be a mom at all.” She had to make him understand this. Finding out she was going to have a baby had been the most emotionally chaotic time of her life. Joy and fear mixed together. “I didn’t think I was good enough to be entrusted with a baby. Me? Seriously? What twist of fate would make me a parent?”

“What are you talking about?” His eyes narrowed. “You’re intelligent and talented. You’ve got more going for you than a lot of people.”

“In those realms, maybe, but the ability to love and care for a child… that’s way different. I was so afraid I couldn’t do it. I worried throughout my pregnancy, and when he was born…” She paused to gather her thoughts. “I looked at him, and he was so beautiful and perfect that I didn’t feel I could be trusted to care for him. I knew nothing about babies.”

“Your mom was there,” he said, making her wonder if she was reaching him. “You told me that.”

“She was and thank God for that, but he was mine. And I’m still learning how to care for him one day at a time. I’ve read a million books, listened to podcasts, and taken advice from people I trust. And that all has helped…” and here was what she needed Anderson to see, “but what I figured out late one night when Nate was about a month old was that all it took was love. I loved him so completely that I knew I could make it work. I could be the mom he needs and deserves. I’m still scared sometimes, though. I question if I’m doing things right every day. I think every parent must do that.”

He said nothing when she finished speaking. After a minute, he gave a brief nod and left the room. She could only hope her words about raising a child with love had reached him. Anderson had love inside him. She’d seen the way he’d interacted with Nate, the way he’d held her and loved her. It was there… but he had to let himself feel it.