With Love, Louisa by Ashtyn Newbold
Chapter 23
Blast the pianoforte.
Jack had been conflicted about his feelings toward the instrument all day. On one hand, it had been the place he and Louisa had first kissed. On the other, it had been the reason Louisa stopped.
At least, that had been his first theory. But the fact that she had been hiding in her room all day was beginning to give him doubts. She hadn’t just run away from him because she was embarrassed, but because she was still upset with him. He sat on the sofa in the drawing room, tugging on his cravat as he scowled at the black and white keys. Louisa was rarely late for dinner. He checked his pocket watch, raking a hand over his hair. The ball was that night, and if she didn’t come down to dinner, then she might not come to the ball either. He knew how eagerly she had been anticipating it.
He stood and paced to the window, no longer able to sit still. Should he go knocking at her door? He tugged on his cravat again, loosening it from his throat. He had spent the last two weeks doubting that Louisa cared for him, but he had been hopeful the night before, at least until she ran away. He hadn’t meant to act distant, but her words of advice to him on their walk home from town had been weighing heavily on his mind. The only reason he hadn’t asked his father for forgiveness was because he didn’t feel worthy of it. How could he be forgiven for such a horrendous thing? His uncle’s life had been cut short at Jack’s hand. Accident or not, Jack was the reason his father’s brother had died. At times, Jack felt unworthy to live his own life after what he had done. How could he be worthy of forgiveness?
How could he be worthy of Louisa?
Realization settled into his bones as he paced the drawing room. His refusal to tell her the truth was hurting her, and that was no way to begin to deserve her. No matter how much it scared him, he needed to tell her tonight. He was now more certain of her feelings for him, and though doubt threatened to overthrow his certainty, he clung to hope, a practice he was unaccustomed to.
He took a deep breath. He would do all he could to ensure she enjoyed the ball, and then on their return home, he would tell her everything.
Tucking his plan away in his mind, he returned his attention to the most pressing matter. Louisa was nowhere to be found. They had planned Louisa’s favorite dinner for that night, and by now, the roasted duck and boiled potatoes were likely growing cold.
He eyed the door again, hesitating. Should he go find her?
No.
Yes.
No.
He took a step forward, then a step back. Be a man.
With determined strides, he made his way out of the room and up the staircase. He couldn’t allow his kissing her be what scared her away from enjoying the evening she had been looking forward to all week. Raising his fist, he struck it firmly against her bedchamber door.
“Louisa?” He swallowed, suddenly nervous to see her. “Dinner has been prepared. Do you—do you plan to dine with me?”
He strained his ears as he listened to a soft patter of feet from inside. He waited for what felt like an eternity before the door opened, just a crack. Louisa’s large brown eyes peeked out at him. “My maid has been arranging my hair.”
Was that the only reason for her delay? The shyness in her features reminded him of the first time he had met her. She could hardly look at his face.
A smile curled his lips. He needed to erase the creases of concern and nervousness from her brow. “I see. Well, you did agree to all three of my stipulations. A hearty meal was one of them. We mustn’t have you in a disagreeable mood for your first ball.”
She seemed to relax a little, though her eyes were still focused on his cravat rather than his face. “This isn’t my very first ball.”
Jack nudged a finger under her chin, lifting her gaze back to his. His heart stuttered at the way it sent a flush across her cheeks. “It’s your first ball with me.”
She was still hidden behind the door, keeping it as a barrier between them. Reservation flashed across her face. “I will come down in a moment,” she said in a quiet voice.
Jack nodded, stepping back as she closed the door again.
Rather than return to the drawing room, Jack went straight to the dining room. Only a few minutes passed before the door opened again, and Louisa walked into the room. He rose, turning toward her.
Louisa’s hands were clasped together at her waist, her head tipped down as she greeted him with a shy smile. Jack’s heart nearly escaped his chest. Her dark curls were piled on her head, ribbons and pearls threading through them. A pendant hung low on her exposed neck, the candlelight from the chandelier above the table leaving a warm glow over her skin. She wore the gown they had ordered for the ball, the satin fabric fitting perfectly over her curves. Her shy gaze fluttered to his as she hid behind her lashes. She seemed self-conscious with his staring, but he couldn’t have looked away even if he tried.
“Should I have chosen the gold fabric instead?” the question blurted out of her mouth. He realized how long he had been staring at her without saying a word.
He laughed under his breath, moving to pull out her chair. He gestured for her to sit. His heart was like a disobedient child, unwilling to sit still. He did not wish to frighten Louisa with too much flirting, but all he really wanted was see another blush color her cheeks. He captured her gaze in his as she looked up at him from her seat. “You look beautiful.”
A reluctant smile tugged at her lips, and she looked down at the table linens.
Jack returned to his chair adjacent to hers at the head of the table. “I have instructed the cook to prepare two servings for you, and one for me.”
Louisa’s eyes leaped to his, their shyness dissipating. “I cannot eat two portions of a meal as extravagant as this.” A laugh escaped her as she shook her head. “My dress will tear open before we even reach the ball.”
Though Jack would not have objected to such an occurrence, he kept his mouth shut on the matter. He clasped his hands together on the table. “If I ‘snore like a hog,’ then it is only fair that I encourage you to eat like one. We cannot possibly be compatible if only one of us is a hog.”
It warmed his heart to hear her laughter again. He grinned, watching as she took her first bite. She glared at him from over her fork, but her laughter persisted. He joined her, chuckling until his stomach ached. His laughter was a balm to the fear that gnawed at his heart. By the end of the night, would she still laugh with him? He had faced the possibility of hanging before the inquest concerning his uncle’s death, and even then Jack hadn’t been this afraid. Louisa was the only person who still viewed him as a person and not a mistake, and he didn’t want to lose that. He didn’t want to lose her.
When it came time to go to the ball, a sense of foreboding flooded his chest. Despite his concerns, the pure excitement and joy on Louisa’s face overshadowed them. As they walked to the carriage on the moonlit drive, Jack forced himself to remain calm. Extending his hand to her, he helped her into the carriage.
Newton Hall was illuminated with hundreds of candles, the chandeliers burning as brightly as a yule log. Louisa’s sister had often scolded her for gaping in awe at her surroundings, but she couldn’t stop herself. Men and women gathered in the ballroom, each and every one of them dressed in their finest. Louisa looked down at her own skirts, smiling as the candlelight glistened off the satin fabric. Her hair was simple in comparison to many of the other guests’ hair who wore turbans and feathers of every sort. As was becoming common in public places, many eyes lingered on Louisa and Jack as they made their way around the outskirts of the room.
Two pairs of eyes in particular were rather unsettling. Two men stood on the second floor balcony that overlooked the ballroom, champagne flutes in hand. Even when Louisa looked up at them, they didn’t stop staring. She turned to tap Jack’s arm, but he had already noticed.
A muscle jumped in his jaw as it tightened. He immediately pulled his gaze away from the two men when he caught her watching. His blue eyes met hers with a smile. “Are you enjoying yourself?”
Louisa nodded. “Very much.”
Jack appeared pleased, his lips quirking upward. She was glad to feel comfortable around him again. They seemed to be carrying on as though the events of the night before had been erased. Even so, each time Jack looked at her, a fire was stoked in her chest. Try as she might, the past could not be erased, and now that she had kissed him, she was rather desperate to kiss him again. But her vow remained firm in her mind, schooling her heart into submission. Until Jack confided in her, she would remain politely distant. If only it weren’t so torturous. Even throughout the carriage ride to the ball, her decision had been agonized each time his knee bumped against hers.
Louisa snapped herself out of her thoughts. “Are you…enjoying yourself?”
His attention seemed to be shifting back to the upper balcony and the two men who stared at them repeatedly. When she spoke, Jack tipped his head closer to hers. “Yes, but I will enjoy myself a great deal more once the dancing begins. You did promise me your first three.”
Her heart flipped as another of his warm smiles wrinkled the corners of his eyes. Before she could reply, his gaze darted to the balcony again. A furrow marked his brow.
The two men were no longer there.
The ensemble began to play a quadrille. Jack’s gloved fingers wrapped around hers, leading her toward the line of dancers. Her heart beat fast as she practiced the steps in her mind—she had been doing so all week. It was her ultimate goal not to embarrass Jack in front of all the guests with her clumsy dancing. There was no doubt that she would miss a step or two, but she was determined to at least perform most of them correctly.
Her nervousness faded as she met Jack’s gaze from across the grouping. He cast her a reassuring smile as the steps began.
The lively music gave her a surge of energy. Her feet floated over the ballroom floor, her cheeks aching from smiling as she carried out the steps the dance demanded. Each time the dance led her back to Jack, his hands held hers, firm and strong, guiding her through each motion. His whispered compliments to her dancing abilities made her grin stretch wider, and by the time the dance was over, she and Jack were both laughing. The other dancers in their circle clapped for the ensemble, but all Louisa could do was hold Jack’s gaze. He captured her without even trying.
They walked to the refreshment table between each dance, and by the end of the third, Louisa’s forehead and neck were damp with perspiration. She let out a breathless sigh, nearly spinning with exhilaration as Jack led her by the hand back to the outskirts of the room. “I never knew I could like dancing so much,” she said.
“Nor did I.” Jack grinned, leaning close to her ear. “I’ve never had so lovely a partner.”
Did he realize how his words affected her? Of course, he did. Those butterflies had formed a nest of sorts in her stomach, ever present when Jack was nearby. She gazed up at him, her pulse pounding in her neck.
“Would you like to take a turn about the gardens with me?” Jack brushed a curl away from her eyes before wrapping his fingers around hers.
A shiver ran over her skin at the pure adoration in his gaze, the secretive way in which he spoke to her. She had only ever dreamed of moments like this. She licked her lips, glancing around the ballroom to see if anyone else had noticed his rapt attention. A turn about the gardens sounded romantic enough to make her heart burst. And it certainly might if Jack continued looking at her in that same manner.
His thumb brushed over the back of her hand, tracing a circle as he awaited her reply.
She nodded, grinning up at him as he tugged her forward. Weaving their way through the other guests, Jack led her out the nearby exit, the music growing quieter as the door closed behind them. There were a number of other guests outside, laughing or whispering. Several other men and women walked hand in hand or with their arms linked together. The crowd was much sparser out here, away from the music, refreshment, and candlelight. The world was quiet, lit only by the natural glow of the moon and stars.
Jack led her to the narrow garden path, flanked by trees and hedges, much like the gardens at Benham Abbey. The deeper they walked into the gardens, the more alone they became, and soon the muffled music from the ballroom completely faded from her ears. All she could hear was her own heartbeat, the rustling of her skirts, and Jack’s boots as they moved over the stone pathway. Her resolve to keep her distance from him was fading just like the music. It was becoming weak, a mere tap against the back of her skull rather than the drum it should have been.
They stopped by a tall hedge. Jack turned to face her. Both his hands interlocked with hers, and she dared a glance up at him. His eyes roamed her face, appearing a darker blue than usual, speaking without saying a word. He must have been thinking about their kiss too. Had it not left either of them alone? Her heart beat like a wild creature against her ribs, begging her to set it free—rather determined to escape if she did not. In the darkness, she could barely see the details of his face.
His head tipped closer to hers, and her disobedient toes lifted her closer to his height. With one hand cradling her neck, he brought her face to his, closing the gap between their lips. His kiss was heart-rending, slow and gentle. His arms pulled her behind the hedge, where he pressed her back against the dense leaves. She clung to his jacket, then buried her fingers in his soft hair. Her vow had not lasted long, but she didn’t feel remorseful in the slightest. Every moment she spent with Jack made her feel alive, happy, and free, and that was how she had always wanted to live.
He paused to lean his forehead against hers, keeping her back pressed against the hedge. His hands caressed her face, and she felt his lips curl into a smile when she stole them in her own. She had already broken her vow, so she couldn’t see a reason not to break it again. The ballroom felt so far away from their hidden corner of the gardens. Dancing was diverting, but this was more so. Louisa had half a mind to stay there all night.
She reminded herself that Jack still hadn’t confided in her. It was too dangerous to lose even more of her heart to him before she knew what was truly in his heart. She wanted to know every piece, every part, every broken and battered bit of him, no matter how grave the truth could be. Why couldn’t he see that?
She allowed herself a few more seconds, letting each kiss linger a moment longer than the last. And then she lowered her heels to the ground, pushing softly against his chest. “We’re missing the fourth dance,” Louisa said in a whisper. She didn’t know why she felt the need to whisper at all, but the moment felt too intimate to speak any louder.
He brushed a curl away from the base of her neck, sending a new string of shivers over her body. “It must be at least the sixth by now.” Jack’s grin made her heart skip.
She laughed, feeling just as shy as she had the night before. Would she ever grow tired of kissing those grinning lips?
He took her hand in his again, wrapping it up and pressing a kiss to the back of her fingers. “I’m sorry that I haven’t been honest with you,” he said in a hoarse voice. “I wish to change that. I’ll keep no secrets from you, Louisa. Never again, for as long as I live.” He let out a long sigh. “I was afraid to tell you because I didn’t want you to see me as society sees me.”
With a slow movement, he wrapped her hand around his arm. They walked slowly in the direction of the ballroom. She watched the signs of unrest in his profile. “What are you so afraid to tell me?” Louisa had chosen not to dwell on the possibilities of what he could have been hiding. What if it was as unforgiveable as he thought it was? She had always been so optimistic, but there were certain things that would be difficult to overlook.
Even so, her heart whispered with conviction, calming her concerns. There was nothing in his past that could change her love for him. Her feelings were steady, as solid as the stone path beneath them. The foundation had been building layer upon layer, and she was confident in its strength.
Jack rubbed one side of his face with his free hand, exhaling sharply. “I don’t want to lose you,” he muttered.
“You won’t lose me. You cannot lose me.” She laughed softly, hoping to reassure him.
A gruff voice came from around the nearby tree, followed by at least two sets of heavy footfalls. “I wouldn’t be so certain of that if I were you.”
Jack stopped, gripping her arm as he turned toward the voice. Louisa followed his gaze. It was the two men who had been staring at them from the second floor balcony, and they were blocking their path out of the gardens.
