Chalk by Lily J. Adams
Lucinda
Standing in front of the Californian ocean, mesmerized by the crashing of the turquoise waves with my arms wrapped around myself, I smiled at how far I’d come.
Before I had my precious Sarah, I harbored these weird insecurities about myself. They took control of me and my health.
Chalk, my man, so sexy, so smooth and confident with his finely tuned muscles. Women wanted him. Their eyes told me so every time we entered a grocery store. I felt like I had to be this ‘perfect’ woman for him. Like me in my own shell wasn’t enough. That’s what started it. I stopped eating. Little by little. I would tuck a red, shiny apple in my purse when I went to nursing school.
“Ok, this is all I’m going to eat until I get to dinner.” I told myself. I became a master of hiding the fact I wasn’t eating. I added some celery sticks if I was feeling extra hungry.
Chalk couldn’t see what I saw in the mirror when I turned to the side. “Baby, you look perfect to me. I like you as you are, I love your curves. So soft and yummy.” He always tried to compliment me, build me up.
He made me feel good about myself, but there was a worm that grew in my head and stuck in there. It was a miracle I even got pregnant with Sarah. When I peed on the stick and looked at it, I couldn’t even believe it. That’s why I had a picture in my study, me with my little butterbean in my arms. I’d written ‘our miracle baby’ on the picture.
Chalk and I were young and scared, but we were in love. So in love. He was sweet and tender, but just enough of a bad boy for me. We never got to the stage of marriage, but it seemed redundant anyway once we had a kid together. Whenever I looked out over the Cali Ocean, it reminded me of Chalk’s azure eyes. It’s like he laid out his wings and let me stay awhile to rest on them.
One person can only take so much though, until they can’t take anymore. I shivered a little as a chilly breeze whipped past my face. I put the top up of my favorite pink hoodie to cut the wind.
My breast milk didn’t come with Sarah, so we switched to formula. Then Chalk could help me with feeding and take the pressure off.
“We can get through this. I’m always going to be here for you, no matter what. We created this child and we’re going to be a family together,” Chalk insisted.
I smiled weakly to myself listening to the soft sound of the waves. How I wished that would’ve been true.
One day I lay in bed, trying to get up, and my body said no. It shut down and wouldn’t let me lift my head. My legs were like two heavy pieces of lead and when Sarah was put on my chest to bond, I couldn’t feel her.
After a few years of living together, we weren’t coping well at all. I made the decision to move back to California, just past Malibu where my parents resided. They were Carey and Michael to the world, but just Mom and Dad to me.
“We’re going to help you get through this. You concentrate on getting well. Don’t worry about anything else. Remember Sarah, when you think about giving up.” My mother had told me. I wasn’t strong enough to look after my daughter, and that’s what hurt me the most. My determination and will to live helped me through the whole ordeal. There were times I felt like throwing in the towel, but my spark never died.
It took me six years to start and finish my nursing degree from end to end, but I never gave up. My nursing rounds at the Malibu Health Center brought me back to life again, helping me get stronger.
I loved the nurses and the doctors at the hospital. They all told me, “You should apply here, we’d love to have you. I’m sure you would do well here.”
I made lifetime friends at the Malibu Health Center on my practical rounds; Joseline, Clancy, Michelle, Derek and Marsha. On the last days of my rounds there, they threw me a going away party.
“Sure you don’t wanna apply to come here? You’re a hit with the patients, and all the older male patients request you. Must be all that vibrancy you have,” Derek said to me with a sad pout. Derek was one of the male orderlies, and a much needed boost to my self esteem. We were always in fits of laughter, swapping patient horror stories.
“Girl, I’m gonna miss you. I can’t believe you wanna leave me! Who am I gonna play pranks on now?” Marsha was one of my best friends from the group and at the same stage of studies as I was, so we often worked and studied together.
Maybe it was the fresh air of the Cali coastline, but each day, each week, each month, I got a little stronger, a little fitter, until I was back to a healthy baseline weight.
I sucked in the fresh air as I waited for my approaching mother, who was meeting me for coffee at our favorite beach shack along the boardwalk.
She squeezed me with a giant hug as she clasped onto my hand.
“Hi, Mom. Kinda windy out here, huh?”
“It is, baby girl. We should get inside, I’m dying for a mocha. I’ve been good all week and not had one.”
“I know you love them. Sit in our usual spot?”
“Yup.” She kissed my cheek and ordered.
I sat down in the open air beach shack, pulling my hoodie sleeves over my hands. It truly did resemble a beach shack, articles from the sea strategically placed on the walls. My eyes fixated on the ebb and flow of the water while I waited for my mother.
She slid in beside me while we waited for our order. “Did you enjoy your walk?”
“Yep. Nice to get some fresh air.” My hands were tucked under my chin. I just felt happy to be alive.
My mother slid my falling hair behind my ear. “You look so good. I’m happy I got my girl back. I could say little girl, but I know you don’t like that. I knew we could get you well here.”
My eyes slid to my mother, whose footsteps I was following in as a nurse. She’d been instrumental in helping me on my feet. “Thanks, I couldn’t have done it without you. I do have something to tell you.” I flipped the coaster over in my hands several times, nervous because what I wanted to tell her next would shock her.
My mother grabbed my arm quickly with a frown. “That’s distracting, tell me.”
Our coffees came out in teal mugs with cute handles, giving me time to pause before I dropped my life changing plans on her, “Umm. You’re not going to like it but I’m going to do it. I’m ready now.”
My mother didn’t react to the lead-up. She simply picked up her teal mug and sipped her mocha. “I’m listening,” she said quietly.
“I applied to work at Holbeck Hospital. I’m ready to go back to Holbeck, Mom. I’m strong enough now.” I was silently pleading with her to understand.
She slowly sat her cup down as her brow creased with worry and her thin pale lips became thinner. “Are you sure? Maybe that environment isn’t for you? Why don’t you have Sarah come here for a while, just so you can adjust and see how you go?”
“Mom, you can’t button me up like that. It’s time for me to spread my wings. I have to go to my daughter. Chalk has her in school, and a good routine. Kids need a foundation, I can’t take her away from that, and her dad.” I had to trust I knew what was best for my daughter…and myself.
The creases in her showed she wasn’t happy about this. “Yes I know, but you can keep her over the holidays. Why not take it easy? The move is so drastic,” she argued. My mother was overprotective, even more so since my illness.
I knew inside my soul I had to go. “Mom. I don’t know anything yet. I find out in a couple of days.”
She picked her cup up again, let out a little sigh and turned to me. “I wish you would have told us. We could have been better prepared. We could have helped you, you know.”
“Mom, I didn’t tell you because I knew what your reaction was going to be.” I gave her a bemused look.
“I can be overbearing, I know. I just have seen you at your worst and I never want that to happen to you again. I and your father both. Does Chalk know you’re coming back?” She looked at me expectantly.
I turned my gaze out to the ocean, continuing to sip quietly.
“You haven’t told him, have you? What are you going to do? Just go there and surprise him?” Her disapproval flashed across her face.
“Yes,” I issued the reply firmly. “I am, I’m going to work at Holbeck, settle in and spend more time with my daughter. It’s important and I have to be there for her. I don’t want her looking back and saying ‘my mother wasn’t there for me.’ My relationship with Chalk is sketchy. We talk about Sarah, but he’s distant and we don’t know how to talk anymore. I know we’re not together, but I want to know he’s okay as well. He did so much for me and I feel…guilty. I don’t know what to do, Mom.” My fears came tumbling out in a rush. I wanted to be closer to both of them.
My mother wrapped her arm around my shoulder and laid her head on it. “I’m sorry. Don’t carry that guilt, it will eat you alive. If you’re going there simply to try to escape your guilt, I don’t know if you should.”
I inhaled the salt from the air. “Mom, I’m doing my nursing, I’m not giving up my life or anything. I’m more than okay now. Talking to Sarah on the phone is breaking my heart. It’s not enough. I need to hug my child. She’s getting so big and I’m not there.” I closed my eyes and opened them again. I was praying on a unicorn that I could get into Holbeck Hospital.
“I know. I know. I need time on it, but we'll help you with the move. I know some nurses down there that can take care of you.” This was the disgruntled reply I received and a lot coming from her.
I beamed. “Thank you, Mom.”
