Starting Over in Maple Bay by Brittney Joy
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
My Sweet Hazel,
Today is your fifth birthday. Your parents still send me a picture of you every year, and I am beyond thankful for their kindness. You’re getting so big. I keep comparing this year’s picture to last year’s, and I can’t believe how much you’ve grown. Your hair is almost the exact same color as mine, and I think you have my nose. I still think of you every day.
For your birthday, I made something for you—a wooden box to hold all the letters I’ve written to you. For the past few months, I’ve been cutting pictures from magazines and gluing them to the outside of the box. It’s like a collage of wishes . . . blessings that I hope for your life. I picked out pictures of happy families, cozy houses with white picket fences, and any picture that reminded me of love. One day I hope I get the chance to give you my box of letters so you can know how much I’ve loved you, even from afar.
I also wanted you to know I’m in a better place now. This year I made a big change. I left Minneapolis and moved to a new town. I needed a fresh start, so I opened a map, closed my eyes, and let my finger fall where it might. I know it sounds crazy, but I blindly picked this wonderful little town—Maple Bay. I’ve got my own apartment above a beautiful flower shop on main street. I can see the lake from my living room. I got a job waitressing at a diner and immediately hit it off with one of the other waitresses, Joyce. She’s become my best friend. I’ve got a steady job, a good home, amazing friends, and I even started going to church. If you had come into my life today, things would’ve been different. I would’ve had a good home to raise you in.
Love always,
Rose
“Mom didn’t talk a lot about her life before Maple Bay,” Frankie said to Hazel. They were sitting side-by-side on the carriage house floor, next to the boxes and furniture that hadn’t been touched since Hazel read the first letter from Rose. “Mom said Grandpa passed when she was in elementary school. And I only met our Grandma a few times.”
Hazel looked at the letter they’d just read, together. She set the paper on her knee but didn’t let it go. “They didn’t have a good relationship? Rose and her mom?”
Frankie shook her head. “I never really understood it until she told me about you. For a long time, Mom blamed Grandma for losing you. She wanted to keep you but wasn’t given a choice. Mom was only sixteen and Grandma sent her away, to a convent, the day she found out about the pregnancy. Grandma had the adoption setup before you were born.”
Hazel’s heavy heart collided with the opposition of giggles that echoed into the carriage house from outside. The sliding barn door was wide open, and the kids were playing a game of tag in the setting sun. Grace squealed as Tommy ran by and tagged her.
“I can’t picture my life without Grace in it.” Hazel didn’t even want to think about what it must’ve felt like to carry a child, give birth, and then give your baby away. Grace’s birth was the happiest day of Hazel’s life. “That must’ve been really hard for Rose.”
Hazel found herself sympathizing with Rose, comparing her pain to the agony Hazel had felt after each miscarriage. Hazel gad grieved each baby she’d lost. Had Rose done the same? Was it worse because she knew her child was somewhere in the world, being raised by someone else?
“I can’t even imagine,” Frankie said. “I mean, my boys drive me crazy sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. They’re my heart.”
They were quiet as they watched the kids play.
Hazel swallowed. “Rose sent me one letter. A few months after my thirteenth birthday. Her letter said that she was happy I had a wonderful home and parents, and that she wished me the best. There wasn’t a mention of wanting to meet me or get to know me. At the time, I thought that meant she didn’t care. But maybe Rose thought she was giving me a better life by not being in it?”
Frankie looked flustered, like she couldn’t find the answer she desperately wanted to give. “The Rose I knew was an amazing person. An amazing mother. And I hope you’re able to see that as we read her letters. I think she took a while to find her way in life, but that she truly wanted the best for you.”
Hazel soaked up Frankie’s words. She took the letter from her lap, folded it, and placed it back in the box, next to the other letters she and Frankie had read tonight. They’d read through the letters written on Hazel’s second through fifth birthdays. “I think that’s enough for tonight. Let’s go out with the kids and enjoy the evening.”
Frankie conceded with a soft smile. She rose from the wooden floor and leant a hand to Hazel.
Hazel used Frankie as a crutch and stood. “Nothing will make you feel old like sitting on the hard ground.”
Frankie grinned and they walked out of the carriage house, arm in arm, to join the kids.
On the patio, Frankie stacked wood in the raised, metal firepit while Hazel unwrapped graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate bars. She set them on the table. When the fire started crackling, the kids flocked to it like moths and each grabbed a stick. The boys roasted their marshmallows quickly, mostly burning them and laughing at each other when the white puffs turned to charcoal and goo. Grace turned hers slowly over the fire, rolling the marshmallow in the heat until it was golden. Hazel reveled in the happy moment, truly thankful for the experiences she was able to share with her daughter here in Maple Bay.
“Here you go, sweetie.” Hazel had a graham cracker and a piece of chocolate in her palm. Grace placed her golden marshmallow on top of the chocolate and pushed it off the stick with another cracker. Then she took the sweet sandwich and bit into it, her eyes fluttering in bliss.
As Grace chewed, Hazel ran a hand over her daughter’s chestnut ponytail. “You did such an amazing job with the horses today. I’m so proud of you. Such a little cowgirl you are.”
“Thanks, Mom. It was so much fun. I can’t wait to ride again tomorrow.”
“I’m glad. It was so fun to watch you take your very first ride today. Can’t wait to watch you again tomorrow.”
Grace licked a chocolate smear from her finger. “And I’m proud of you. I never thought you’d ever get on a horse, but you did it!”
Hazel’s heart swelled. She put an arm over Grace’s shoulders and squeezed. “Thank you, baby. I needed to hear that.” How was it that her angel of a daughter knew exactly what to say to soothe her cares? Hazel kissed Grace’s forehead. As she did, she noticed a light on in Jesse’s house and thought about how he’d helped her get on Daisy today. And how he caught her when she’d stumbled. “Do you think Jesse would like a s’more too?”
“Of course,” Grace replied, like that was a silly question. “Everyone loves s’mores.”
“Will you help me make him one?”
Grace put another marshmallow on her stick and started the meticulous process of roasting a golden treat. When two picture-perfect s’mores were complete, Hazel set them on napkins and carried them toward Jesse’s house, leaving Grace to talk horses with Frankie and the boys. When she was halfway across the lawn, Hazel saw a dark figure strolling down the dock. It had to be Jesse. The figure walked to the end of the dock and took a seat.
Did Jesse want to be alone? He could obviously see that Hazel, Frankie, and the kids were sitting around the fire. Why hadn’t he joined them?
Hazel started to turn around, not wanting to intrude, but something inside her made her stop. Maybe it was the way he’d eased her nerves today. Or the way he’d made her feel that rainy night on his deck. Why couldn’t she give herself permission to enjoy the company of a man again? It didn’t need to be anything more than that.
Today, she’d stepped out of her comfort zone and got on a horse. She put one foot in the stirrup and her butt in the saddle. The horse didn’t run, buck, or rear. It didn’t reach back and bite her or throw her to the ground like a ragdoll. In fact, her time in the saddle wasn’t scary at all. Nothing bad had happened. Instead, Hazel had surprised herself and made her daughter proud.
Now there were other chances she needed to take.
Hazel stepped on the wooden dock and padded across it in her bare feet. As she did, Jesse looked back. He was silhouetted by the yellow moon and its reflection off the dark blue waters. Hazel couldn’t see his face until she got close. “Mind if I join you?” she asked, only a few steps behind him. His cowboy boots were on the dock, his jeans pulled up to his knees. He must’ve just got done with work.
Jesse scooted over, making room for her on the edge of the dock. “Not at all. Just taking a breather.” He smiled at her and Hazel’s heart fluttered.
“Where’s Charlie?” Hazel took a seat and shimmied her yoga pants up to her knees so she could dangle her feet in the lake as well. As she did, she tried to remember the last time a man had physically affected her like that—forced her heart to buzz like a hummingbird. Her memory blanked on a result.
“Still with my mom. I’m going to pick her up after they finish their game of Chinese Checkers.”
“I love that Joyce plays board games with the grandkids. So many of the kids that Grace has grown up with just bury their heads in electronics.”
“That’s not really a thing around here. At least, my parents would never allow it. Me either. We’ve got too many fun things to do around here. No time to waste staring at a phone.”
“Lots of fun things. Like campfires.” Hazel handed Jesse a s’more wrapped in a napkin. “Speaking of, I brought you a s’more.”
Jesse raised his eyebrows and accepted the treat. “Thank you,” he said, “And, cheers.”
“Cheers.” Hazel followed Jesse’s lead, touching their s’mores together like two champagne glasses.
“You know, you don’t always have to bring me food in order to come talk to me. I mean, I appreciate it, but you can just come talk to me . . . anytime you want to.” Hazel had taken a big bite of her s’more but stopped chewing to consume Jesse’s comment instead. He’d called her out on something she didn’t even realize she was doing. Hazel had been using food as an ice breaker—an excuse to feel needed in a space she wasn’t sure how to enter.
“It’s my love language,” she replied through a mouthful, without thinking. As soon as the words left her lips, her stomach dropped—probably all the way to the bottom of the lake.
Jesse made a sound in his throat like he was clearing marshmallow.
“I mean—” Hazel quickly chewed and swallowed. “I show my love by giving gifts.” Had she really just sat down next to Jesse and dropped the L-word in the first two seconds of conversation? “Gifts. Gestures. It’s how I show I care.” She emphasized care, backpedaling and trying to distract from her casual use of the word love. Could she be any more awkward?
Jesse wiped his mouth with a napkin. In his silence, the cool breeze off the lake turned hot.
“My love language is spending time together,” he replied, and Hazel glanced at him. His blue eyes were soft, concealing any judgement she thought she’d find. “Spending quality time together. Making memories. This.”
Her chest thudded. Jesse not only knew what his love language was, he was now talking about how it applied her. To them.
“Is that why you like to cook?” he asked, pushing past the over analyzation going on in her head.
Hazel set her napkin-wrapped s’more on the dock, refocusing as she thought about his question. “It’s one reason. Probably the biggest.” Cooking and baking allowed her to funnel her creativity into a meal or a treat that filled bellies and brought smiles. “Food makes people happy. It brings people together. I like to make my family and friends feel good.” She placed her hands next to her knees, folding her fingers over the edge of the dock and swirling her feet in the water.
Jesse watched her like she was telling him a story. “What are the other reasons?”
Hazel made a slow circle with one foot and a water ring spread out around them. “It makes me feel needed. And part of something.” Her response poured out of her, but she’d never seen that truth until Jesse had prodded. She got an immense amount of joy watching loved ones enjoy her cooking. And it did make her feel part of something—it had always brought her closer to family and friends. “Wow, you should’ve been a therapist.”
Jesse chuckled. “I think I’m better at reading horses than people.”
“I think you’re pretty good at reading both,” Hazel replied. “You’re very intuitive. You see things most people miss.”
“I try to pay attention.” Jesse brushed off her compliment like his attention to detail didn’t make him special. But it was his attention to detail, his attention to her that made her feel seen. Hazel wondered what it would be like to be with someone like Jesse. A man that took the time to see her, that was sensitive to her needs and wants. She’d gotten so used to making everyone else a priority, that she’d almost forgotten what it would be like to be a priority herself.
“Hazel?” Jesse asked. His dark hair was pushed back from his face, showing off the strong angles of his jaw and cheeks. “Is this okay?”
“This?”
“Spending time together,” he clarified. “Getting to know each other. Kissing.”
Hazel’s stomach flip-flopped. She couldn’t deny—even to herself—how his kiss had made her feel. Jesse had ignited something inside her that she’d lost long ago. But this . . . this wasn’t permanent.
“I want it to be.” She was being honest. She wanted more of Jesse. She also didn’t want to fall into a relationship that would be a memory come fall. She was able to stay here, in Maple Bay, for the next few months. She could enjoy her time with Jesse, but only for the summer. After that, she would need to go back to her life in Haven Hills. Grace needed to be close to her father. And Hazel needed to be close to her daughter, always. “I like spending time with you. And Charlie. And your family.”
Jesse considered his next words. He slid his hand around the inside of her elbow and gave a tug. “Lay down with me.”
“Here?”
Jesse lowered his back to the dock, keeping his feet in the water.
Hazel followed, and they laid side-by-side across the wooden planks.
“I come out here to decompress,” he said. They both stared up at the night sky. It was full of stars, like coarse sugar dumped on a navy plate. “There’s something about being between the water and the stars. Reminds me to take a breath and enjoy the moment, because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring.”
Hazel swallowed, taking that to heart, knowing that Jesse had endured great loss with the death of his sister. She also thought of the letters she’d just read—of what Rose had written to her, but never sent. What would have happened if Rose had taken a chance and reached out to Hazel while she was still alive? Told her the words she had only written? How would both of their lives have been different?
Hazel inched her hand toward Jesse’s. She looped her pinky finger over his and confessed what she was really scared of. “I don’t want to hurt Grace or Charlie.” She tilted her head to him. He did the same. “In the fall, I’ll need to move back to Haven Hills, for Grace’s sake. I can’t keep her from her father. And I won’t ever choose to be separated from her.”
No matter how much she wanted Jesse to keep looking at her like he was, Grace would always be Hazel’s priority, the deciding factor in every decision.
Jesse bent his leg and brought a foot up onto the dock. Droplets cascaded back into the lake, but he never looked away. “I don’t want to hurt the girls either.” The silence that followed was punctuated by laughter from the campfire. “Do you think we could just enjoy each other’s company for the summer? No promises past that? And no kisses in front of the girls?”
Jesse’s offer tempted her. It also frightened her. But maybe she needed to take this step, to open her heart to the possibility of a connection. If they kept their feelings to themselves, she could protect Grace and Charlie from any heartbreak at the end of the summer. Though if she took this chance, she wasn’t so sure her heart would be allowed the same protection.
“I do enjoy your company.” Hazel tightened her pinky finger around his. “And I’d appreciate it if we stayed friendly in front of the girls.” She gave him a smile, trying to convey the nerves and excitement tingling through her. He squeezed her pinky back. Then they both looked up, into the sky, and kept each other company under the summer stars.