Jax by E. M. Moore
1
My heart beats like a rabid animal on the hunt, a ruthless constriction of sensitive muscle that lets me know I’m alive. My heart is a traitor though.
I’m sick of being the animal.
I’m sick of always living for the hunt.
I’m sick of... everything.
A few deep breaths to calm myself don’t work. Sweat slithers down my spine, practically licking my backstabbing flesh as it goes. I’m doing the one thing I told myself I would never do again: see Jax.
Fuck me. Out of the two of us, Jax is the one who deserves peace. Yet, here I am, out in front of his house like I’ve done so many times before. Way before. Only this time, I might be the most fucked up I’ve ever been, and trust me, he’s seen me at my worst.
Past me has nothing on this twisted, tortured version of myself… Miss Sadie Lovell, con extraordinaire.
My feet come to a stop as I let the past swallow me. Two warring emotions flit through my head. One, the warmth of familiarity. Two, a guilt so potent it makes my stomach churn as I stare up at the two-story home. Part of me hopes Jax isn’t here. With the way he’s done something with his life, I hope he’s moved out of the Heights. Maybe he has a nice house in the ‘burbs. A girl. A kid.
My gut knots like I’ve stuck myself with my own dagger and twisted it with a quick flick of my wrists.
Jealousy. It’s an emotion I haven’t felt in a long time and one I don’t deserve either. Not by a long shot. If anything, I’m the one who fucked over Jax and continue to do it too. The thought of him with someone else and living well fills me with a betrayal that sits in my core like a rotten apple infested with hundreds of crawling insects.
Plus, these thoughts of mine are bullshit anyway. I know damn well he’s still living here with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend. Why? Because Psycho told me, and Psycho knows everything.
When he latches on to a “job”, he does it well.
Even now, when I’m away from the man who owns me, I can picture the darkness in his eyes as he spins his favorite dagger on the table, glaring at me like caged prey. The threat in his eyes was enough but the still stinging slice on my ear rules my current thoughts. That’s how Psycho operates though. Overkill might well be his middle name.
Jax’s house is as I remember it. It’s simple with minimal character. The uniqueness it held always came from the people inside, not the wood it was built out of or the unexceptional exterior. The warm memories it provokes don’t lessen the sucker punch of guilt though.
Too chicken to walk up the front steps, I stay outside for a few more minutes. In a perfect world, in a perfect life, I’d walk up to that door and Jax would surround me in one of his best bear hugs. He’d tell me everything was okay like he used to. He was always so good at being my knight in shining armor. That was before I turned out to be the villain.
Iturned my white knight dark, and that’s on me.
Psycho’s parting farewell replays in my head. Don’t fuck this up. Or you’ll pay. The reminder of his harsh words gets my feet moving underneath me.
When Psycho threatens revenge, I never like the outcome.
Throwing my hair over my shoulder, I walk up the familiar steps, my heart breaking the entire time. I place a placid, blank look on my face as I approach the door. There are definitely some new gadgets going on around the door frame. I ignore the video camera that’s recording me right now and push the doorbell. The bells chime, and the silence that follows makes my heart leap with hope that I can put this meeting off for another day. There’s no running down the steps to answer the door. There are no annoyed shouts of “Are you going to get that or what?”
Maybe they’re really not here.
I almost sigh in relief but then the most inhuman roar bellows from inside. It curdles my stomach, making my knees knock together. I’ve heard Jax make that sound before. I’ve heard it rumble from the depths of his soul, expelling out his mouth like a crushing curse. It was the day I broke him. The day I threw everything we had away. A day I will never be able to make up for in all the years I have left of my shitty existence.
Something crashes inside, and I immediately lock up, preparing for the worst. In my dreams, sometimes he still loves me. He’ll still go to the ends of the earth to make sure I’m taken care of. That one fantasy has kept me going on more than one occasion and coming back into his life has obliterated that tiny shred of hope I kept hidden away for myself.
Jax hasn’t forgotten. How could he?
“Who is that?” a feminine voice asks, the sound muffling through the exterior wall. Heights houses aren’t made all that well, so it’s no surprise that I can hear her through the walls. Her voice, though, sends a blitzkrieg of annoyance through my veins.
That girl is in my domain. I was here first—well before her—so I should be asking who she is.
Life isn’t fucking fair.
I trap my emotions inside, still keeping my face a blank canvas. I’ve always been good at it but I swear to the devil, if that girl isn’t Finn’s like I’ve been led to believe, I won’t be able to control myself. In her face, I’ll see everything I should have. Everything that was promised to me.
“Hey. Hey…,” she says again in a soothing tone. At this point, I don’t even care if it is Finn’s girl, I might kill her anyway for taking on the role that is rightfully mine. I should be the girl inside those walls calming down my big beast of a man.
“Leenie, go upstairs.”
They’re making no attempt at hiding the fact that they’re home. They’re probably hoping I’ll go away. I’d ring the doorbell again but that might infuriate Jax even more.
“Ha. No,” she answers.
Fuck it. I hit the doorbell again because I’m an impatient bitch. I’m here for a purpose, and if I don’t get back in time, Psycho will have my ass. Literally. As much as I hate bringing my shit to Jax and Finn’s door, it’s survival above all else. It always has been.
Plus, there’s the added bonus of breaking up whatever moment is going on inside.
The door yanks open in front of me. I’m not prepared for how much older Finn looks. The gasp I suppress has me curling my fingers into my thighs. His baby face features have withered away into a handsome, chiseled jaw. Once, he was like a brother to me, but I don’t see any sentimental memories in his eyes like the ones I’m guarding. No, he looks infuriated. “I’m here to talk to Jax,” I tell him.
Finn shakes his head. Over his left shoulder, a girl moves into view with a narrowed, inspecting gaze. I appraise her from head to toe but Finn’s first words to me in years bring my focus back to him. “You have a lot of nerve coming here, Sadie.”
Heavy thuds mark what I imagine is Jax wearing a hole in the living room floor from pacing. I swallow the apprehension that barrels up my throat. I promised Psycho I’d do this—not that I had a real choice—and I have to deliver. There’s no other option for me.
“Is he here?” I ask, ignoring Finn’s protective side. I always envied how much these brothers loved each other. As different as night and day but the same in all parts that matter. Their relationship made me ache for a real soldier at my side, someone to be there through everything. Someone who would stand by me even amidst all the shit I’d have to do to get by.
“What do you want?” Finn barks. “He’s not allowed to be within 500 feet of you, and this is our house.”
I lick my lips. I hadn’t actually thought of that. “Finny, I need to talk to him.”
“Finny?” the girl questions, popping her eyebrow and scowling at me.
I like her protectiveness over them but I pretend I don’t. She’s standing where I should be so it’s not that much of a stretch to pin her with my gaze. “Who’s this?” I ask, jutting my chin toward her.
Finn moves to block my view. “None of your business. It’s time for you to go.”
Talking to Finn is harder than I imagined. He was always just so good. So pure and real. Jax and I helped so the world didn’t kick him in the teeth. Now, here I stand, basically doing what I protected him from. I’m now the snake in the bushes just waiting for him to pass by. “I know he’s here. I heard him.”
“Did it occur to you that he wouldn’t want to fucking talk to you? You ruined his life.”
Finn’s sharp tone fills me with pride. The fact that he’s using it on me, though, is another matter. My stomach churns. I knew I’d have to deal with guilt but I didn’t realize how debilitating it would be. I feel like I could throw up.
I suppress my emotions and lock my defenses into place. I am, after all, just a chick from the Flats now. “I hear he’s doing alright for himself, and so are you.”
“Unbelievable,” Finn sighs. “That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?” He opens up the storm door and pushes forward, making me take several steps back. “Just so we’re clear, there’s nothing here for you. There’s no money. There’s no time, and there certainly aren’t any heartfelt feelings. How dare you,” Finn growls as my foot searches for the first step off the porch. “You come here after all this time. Now that things are good? Where were you after you lied, huh? Where were you when my brother was sitting his ass in jail because of you?”
Accusing, fiery eyes stare back at me, and I gulp. Sweet little Finny, handing me my ass. I could’ve accepted Jax’s ire. I deserve all of it. But to hear Finny verbally tear me down, it’s too much. The fortress I’ve built around myself slips.
My voice takes on a much more pleading tone. “Finn, I need to talk to him.”
“No,” he snaps. “You’ve done enough.” He swallows, emotion getting the best of him. “He’s finally pulled his life together, and I can’t let you take him down again. If you don’t leave, I’ll call the cops and tell them you’re the one violating the protection order. It’s all recorded, Sadie,” he says, motioning over his shoulder toward the camera doorbell.
“I see that. Moving up, huh?”
“We’re living our lives, and I suggest you do the same. Somewhere else.”
His words cut deep. I hadn’t expected a parade or a party upon returning. Obviously. But I also didn’t expect the longing for who I was with them to swallow me whole. I have to keep reminding myself of what I did to understand his anger. “I can’t do that, Finn.” I wish I could. God, I wish I fucking could. Wishes don’t get you anywhere though. Darkness seeps into me, replacing all my fond memories, and I turn into the girl Psycho groomed. I peer behind Finn and his girlfriend. “Jax!” I call out. “I know you’re fucking in there!”
Finn steps closer and growls in my face. “Leave.”
“Come on, Jax,” I taunt. “I never pegged you as someone who would let your little brother fight your battles for you.”
“The fuck?” Finn’s girl protests. She marches out, her hands clasping her cell. She brings it up like it’s a weapon. “One phone call, and it’ll be like you never fucking existed. Don’t test me, bitch.”
Finn raises his brows at his girl. I knew I liked her. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone less for Finn but if she thinks a call to the cops will scare me, she’s wrong. I know way worse people. “That’s cute. Call your little 9-1-1 or whatever but—”
She laughs. It’s so maniacal that in another life, her and I could probably be besties. She opens her mouth but the man I’ve been waiting to see steps into the doorway.
Dear fucking lord in heaven. There isn’t another like him.
I step back a couple of times with the force of seeing him again. My memory, and the torn photograph I have of the two of us from years ago, don’t do him justice.
He’s hardened now. The light that was in his eyes before has all but faded to blue-black ash, a shell of the man I knew before. That doesn’t make him any less attractive though. To me, he’s even more so. Standing there with his ripped biceps bulging out of his Elite Boxing t-shirt and tats highlighting his already perfect, muscular form, he’s everything I wanted. If it’s even possible, he’s bigger than the man I remember, toned in a way bodybuilders are jealous of.
He's sex on a fucking stick.
He has new ink, too, but I don’t let myself fall into the trap of inspecting every inch of him. That won’t help. He’ll see through that bullshit from a mile away.
I meet his gaze, and my heart thunders in my chest the same way it did when he took my real virginity by being the only man I ever wanted to give it to. Sure, there’d been others, but they took pieces of me for sport. Whittling me down until I was almost nothing when I met the soft spoken, shaggy, black-haired Jax. He built me up, planted the roots that are so strong inside me today, until I could willingly give him that piece of me. I fed it to him on a goddamn platter because I was in love.
And if I’m honest with myself, I still am.
Speechless, I stare into his gaze. His hair is shorter now, cropped close to his skull. Searching for any remnants of the man who used to worship me, I come up empty. The traces I find are decayed and buried, and something tells me he wants them to stay that way.
“You can put your phone away, Leenie,” he tells Finn’s girl. His rich voice envelops my body, ensnaring me until I can’t look away even if I wanted. He steps in front of her until he’s in line with Finn, shoulder-to-shoulder. It isn’t until then that I realize Finn outgrew him. Finn’s a little taller while Jax still surpasses him in width. One looks as if he was made for modeling, the other like he was made for brawling, no holds-barred, to the death.
That’s why I’m here, isn’t it? To the death?
I straighten my shoulders and face them. If there’s a God, please save me because I’m about to traverse into the unthinkable. Again.
