Last Guard by Nalini Singh

Chapter 34

The child displays significant ongoing trauma.

—Therapeutic notes on Canto Mercant (age 14)

REALIZING WHAT HE’Dsaid, Canto let go of Payal’s hand before he squeezed it too hard. “Shit. Shit.” Leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs, he shoved his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry. I’m screwing this up.”

He’d spent all this time trying to teach her that she could trust him with everything, and here he was, stumbling at the first step. “It’s not about trust, Payal. I—”

A gentle hand on his shoulder, stroking slowly down his back. “I understand.” Soft words that held no anger or confusion. “It’s why I have such rigid shields. Control.” Leaning in, she pressed a kiss to the side of his neck. “We had it stolen from us, and now we can’t let go.”

Had anyone else said they understood, he would’ve ignored them. But this was Payal. His 3K. Dropping his hands to his thighs, he looked at her … and spoke about a part of his life that he spoke of to no one else. “I was all but immobile in a hospital bed for months.”

He released a shuddering exhale. “My grandmother did everything in her power to give me freedom—she took me on long flights through the PsyNet, had a family teleporter move my hospital bed to different locations to give me variety. Once, my uncle teleported me out to this lonely stretch of beach and it was incredible.”

“But it wasn’t the same as controlling your own body,” Payal said, sliding her hand down to tangle it with his.

“Yeah.” He coughed, swallowed. “Grandmother made me attend a ton of psych sessions to help me make sense of the world—and to prepare me for a possible future where I might always be only my mind—but the experience left a scar.” His jaw worked. “I keep telling myself I’m so fucking lucky. Not many children have someone like Ena come for them, rescue them, but—” He shook his head. “I can’t forget all that went before.”

Payal touched her hand to part of his robotic brace. “Let’s look at this logically.”

It was a response he hadn’t expected—and it was so very Payal. “Yeah?” He wove his fingers through hers, squeezed.

“You’re no longer a child without agency. Neither are you injured as you were when your grandmother first found you. You could walk using a brace if you wished. It would be irritating, but you certainly wouldn’t be confined to bed.” Another kiss, this one to his jaw. “You also have me. I would take you anywhere you wanted to go.”

Canto didn’t rely on anyone, had spent nearly thirty years making sure of that. But this was 3K, who curled into his lap because she needed the contact, and who reached for their strange bond every few minutes. He didn’t know if she was aware of doing it, but he was; he felt every light brush.

As if she was checking it was still there and taking strength from it.

Lifting their clasped hands, he pressed a kiss to her knuckles in a silent acceptance of her offer. “If the worst ever happens, I’m one hundred percent still going to be an ass about it at times.”

Payal imitated his shrug. “I’m still going to be a total robot sometimes, when I get scared and retreat behind my walls.”

“Guess we’re both screwed up.” He shifted so he could cup the side of her face with his free hand. Part of the brace spiderwebbed the back and a fine mesh overlay his palm, but she turned into the touch.

“Perfection is overrated.” Inside him, it was as if she’d wrapped him in her cold flame, a possessive embrace that would shield him from the world. “I heard Sascha Duncan say that in an interview once. She also said that flaws are what make us unique. That perfect people would just be simulacrums of each other.”

Payal hadn’t believed the cardinal empath at the time—all her life, she’d been told she was a mistake, an error. But with Canto, she understood at last. Neither one of them would be who they were if they’d been born “perfect” by the standards of a Silent society. Their scars had shaped them.

And Canto, brash and stubborn, had far deeper scars than she’d realized.

He was so tough and emotionally stable that she hadn’t understood the extent to which his childhood haunted him. Today, she saw the ghosts in his eyes, saw the echoes of the boy who’d lost the use of his legs and almost lost control over his whole body, the boy who’d been unable to defend himself—or her—against a monster.

The latter would matter to a man like Canto. He was a protector. Yet he’d failed her. That was how he’d see it, her Mercant knight.

Payal understood something about herself at that moment: she’d built her life on control, but for Canto, she could be “weaker,” more exposed. Between the two of them, he needed that rock of control more than she did … because her rock was Canto. Kaleb had been right. That bond she could sense but couldn’t see? It had given her a safe harbor to cling to when the screams got too bad.

“Would you like to touch me as I touched you?” she asked. She’d lay herself bare to him without hesitation if that was what he needed.

Canto’s hand tightened on hers. “Hell yeah, but I think we might be going too fast.” A narrow-eyed look. “Have you talked to an empath? We don’t know how us getting physical will affect you.”

Payal tried to wrench back her hand, but he held on.

“Hey,” he whispered roughly. “I want you with every fiber of my being, but I will never hurt you.” A fierce vow. “This could hurt you if we don’t do it right.”

Payal wanted to argue with him, wanted to ignore the panicky feeling that lived in the back of her head and that she could only assuage by touching their bond. “Kaleb said you could be my safe place to stand.”

“Always. Fucking always,” Canto answered. “But Kaleb isn’t you. He and his mate aren’t us. We’re anchors, baby, and that changes everything.”

She knew he was right, but she couldn’t deal with it yet, couldn’t face it. Because facing it meant facing the broken, devastated, screaming girl inside her. “I need clothes and personal items. I’ve said I’ll visit the shops.”

Canto looked at her for a long moment before nodding. “I’ll drive you. If I stay in the vehicle, no one will pay attention to your driver.”

Confused and unsettled, she pulled at her hand again. “Don’t you want to be seen with me?” she demanded utterly irrationally.

“3K, I want to tattoo your name on my damn forehead so everyone will know I’m yours and you’re mine”—a hard kiss, his hand cradling her nape with roughly tender possessiveness—“but this is your time to shine.”

**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**NEW MEMBER OF RULING COALITION: PAYAL RAO, SPEAKER FOR THE ANCHOR REPRESENTATIVE ASSOCIATION (ARA)

The members of the Ruling Coalition are pleased to welcome Payal Rao, Cardinal A-Tk and CEO of the Rao Conglomerate, to their ranks. Payal is the chosen Speaker of the Anchor Representative Association and has full power to deal on their behalf.

Having a member of the critical A designation on the Ruling Coalition is an important step as we face the turbulence in the PsyNet. We will need to rely on anchors more than ever—it’s vital that their voices be heard. They must be represented at all levels of the decision-making process, including at the very highest.

Interview requests with Payal Rao can be sent through the Ruling Coalition’s media liaison, Jin Verkamp-Jeong.

***End of release***