Hard Times by C. Hallman

16

“So, what happens now?” I stand in the room awkwardly.

“Let’s just go back to bed.”

“Why don’t we just get it over with. I already know I won’t wake up.” I’m surprised by how easily the words come out. I’m scared, I don’t want to die, but part of me has already expected it. I won’t be part of this world for much longer, and I guess I won’t care once I’m dead. Just like I didn’t care about my existence before I was alive.

“I just want you to go to sleep peacefully.”

“How? How are you going to do it?”

“Eli is a chemist. He made some kind of gas. We are going to seal and fill the room once you’re asleep. Eli promised you won’t feel anything.”

I don’t know why I care or asked this next question, but I want to know. “What are you going to do with my body?”

“There is actually a crematory down here.”

“Wow, they really thought about everything,” I joke half-heartedly. Ryker doesn’t care about my joke since his perpetual frown only deepens.

We climb into the bed together, and I watch Ryker prepare to cuff me.

“You don’t have to do that. Seriously, I’m done fighting,” I tell him honestly. “I just want you to hold me until I go to sleep.” He must believe me, because without thinking too long he drops the cuff to the ground. The metal clinks as it hits the concrete floor.

I turn onto my side, and Ryker molds his body against mine.

“Hunter isn’t here because he couldn’t do it. We had to drug him so he wouldn’t interfere. I don’t want you to think he doesn’t care about you. He is sorry.”

“Are you sorry that you have to kill me?”

“Very,” he answers without having to think about it, and I believe him. I believe that this crazy, violent, criminal has that shred of empathy left.

“Would it help if I’ll forgive you?”

“Why would you do that, Sugar?”

“I would… I really, really would, if you promise to do something for me.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Kill someone for me.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath behind me, and Ryker’s body tenses. His arms tighten a little, too, though that could be involuntary. Surprise can do that. And I’m sure I’ve surprised him. Don’t most people have last words of love and forgiveness and stuff like that?

Yeah. No. Not gonna happen for me.

His breath stirs my hair when he asks, “Who do you want dead?”

“The man who used to be my stepfather.” There’s hardness in my voice and I welcome it. I need him to know how serious this is. “I want him dead. If I can’t be alive to do it, at least I’ll die at peace knowing you’ll take care of him for me.”

“Why do you want him dead? Did he hurt you? Do things to you?”

“Not what you are thinking.” I take a deep, shuddery breath. It’s like pulling a scab off a wound that will never, ever heal. “He killed my mom.”

“Fuck me.”

“I’ve never talked about it before. It’s been too hard to talk about. But I might as well get it over with now. He finally ended up beating her to death after trying many, many times. I mean, not that I think he was deliberately trying to kill her—”

“I get what you mean.”

“That’s why this bracelet means so much. She gave it to me. It’s all I have besides memories.”

“I’m sorry about that. I really am.” He grunts. “What happened to him? He ran, I guess?”

A bitter laugh comes out of me at that one. “Nope. They arrested him that night. It’s not like the entire force didn’t know what a piece of shit he was. How many times he hurt her. They always acted like their hands were tied—I don’t know, maybe they were. Now that I’m on the other side, I know how tough it can be to arrest and prosecute somebody like him. I figured there was no way for him to slip out of their grip once he killed my mother, though. I was wrong.”

“They let him go?”

“They let him go. Something about not following proper protocol when they arrested him. Maybe they were too concerned with not getting my mother’s blood on them, since it covered him in it. I have no idea. All I know is, he walked. And I haven’t seen him since.”

“Jesus Christ. I never thought I’d be this pissed about somebody getting away from the police.” He holds me a little closer. “So, you became a cop. Because of that?”

“Partly. Yeah, I wanted the resources to find him. But it was more than that. I… wanted to keep other women from dying the way she did. I wanted to make a difference and help people. Kids who listened to their moms getting the shit beat out of them. Feeling helpless. And hating him… God, how I fucking hate him.” Tears flow down my cheeks, hot and furious. I let them flow. It feels sort of good, like I’m confessing for the last time before dying.

“And is that why they let you on the force, even when you were unfit to serve?”

I snicker. “You’re fast. Yes, that’s why. The chief knew he owed me one, so he looked the other way.”

He’s quiet for a long time, so long I wonder if he fell asleep. I’m almost sure he did until he speaks, “What’s his name?”

“Eric. Eric Saunders. I never took his last name.” And if I had, I would’ve changed it back.

“Eric Saunders. Got it. He’s dead.” Just like that. Like he’s adding ice cream to the shopping list.

“You sound so sure. How do you think you’re going to find him? I couldn’t, and I have access to police files.”

“You want to know why Derik is still alive?”

“Because he is a useful jerk?”

“Yes. He is a hacker. A good one. He’ll find him. Then I’ll kill Eric and maybe Derik too, just for good measure.”

A deep sense of peace and calm washes over me when he says it. I can die knowing he’ll pay for what he did—because I might doubt a lot of things, but I know Ryker means it. Eric is as good as dead.

I close my eyes and heave a sigh. It’s easier to relax now. They’re going to make it easy on me. I don’t have to be afraid.

* * *

A high-pitched screechjust about makes my heart stop. My eyes fly open and I realize I fell asleep at some point. I can hardly hear my voice when I shout, “What happened? What is that?”

Instead of answering, Ryker bolts up and grabs the handcuffs. “No, please—” But it’s no use. He handcuffs me to a pipe running along the wall before I can beg him not to. I doubt it would’ve made a difference.

He runs out of the room, leaving me behind confused and scared. The earsplitting screech goes on and on until it finally stops. The silence is worse, I think. Eerie.

It doesn’t last long. Ryker bursts back into the room. “The cops are on their way. That alarm means there’s been a security breach. It won’t be much longer.” I don’t have time to process this before he draws a handgun from his waistband.

“I’m sorry. I really am.” He raises the gun, aiming for my forehead.

This is it.

That last moment when everything flashes past a person. When they know they’re about to die and there’s nothing to do about it. I close my eyes, resigned, and I know I’ll never open them again. Mom, I’m coming.

Silence.

There’s no gunshot.

No anything.

Until the sensation of having my bracelet ripped from my wrist. My eyes open again. “No! You promised I could keep it!” I reach for it with my free hand, desperate, almost sobbing. “Please! Give it back!”

He holds it out of reach and has the nerve to smile. The bastard. After I told him what it means to me, too. He dangles the bracelet in front of me another second before shoving it in his pocket.

“Just so I know you’ll come and find me.”

I watch him spin around and leave the room with my mouth hanging open and my brain trying to make sense of what just happened.

For a second, I think I might be dead.

But if I were dead, why would there be this feeling spreading out in my chest?

Hope.