Inked Obsession by Carrie Ann Ryan
Chapter 2
Eliza
Ilet Beckett lead me to the bar where the others stood, then he made his way out of the place saying a gruff goodbye. I didn’t really feel like he was with us completely. And maybe he hadn’t been for a while. Then again, perhaps I hadn’t either.
I frowned, and the others frowned with me.
“What was that?” Brenna asked, her voice sharp. I cringed inwardly and did my best to school my features. Brenna and Beckett were close—very close. At one point, I’d thought she had feelings for him that went beyond friendship, but now I wasn’t so sure. Brenna was so tightly guarded when it came to her feelings and relationships. I wasn’t even sure if they’d ever slept together, and I was usually pretty good at reading people.
Just not when it came to my friendship with Brenna.
I didn’t want to get in the middle of it, but there I was, randomly dancing with Beckett in my memory. He had saved me from a man I didn’t really want to dance with but who wouldn’t take no for an answer. I hadn’t felt in danger, but I hadn’t wanted to make a scene either. There was a difference. At least, that’s what I told myself. Beckett had taken me out onto the dance floor so it would no longer be an issue. And now I was supposed to deal with this? This feeling of comfort and need that hadn’t been there before? I’d been married. I wasn’t supposed to think about anyone else that way. Let alone Beckett, my best friend’s brother.
Sometimes, it was hard to remember that I was a single woman. That me dancing with others could be construed as something more than just time with a friend or someone who wanted to save me.
We’d had such an odd conversation on that dance floor. Now it was over, and I wasn’t looking at those dark blue eyes anymore, or his brown hair that I noticed was getting a little too long and brushed his collar. Beckett Montgomery was wide like the rest of the Montgomery men, broad-shouldered with a thick chest that tapered down to a slender waist and thick thighs. They all looked as if they worked out to stay healthy rather than to body build—except Benjamin, Beckett’s twin, was a little bit leaner. They were some of the most attractive men I’d ever met, and they weren’t for me. No one was for me. After all, I had already found forever once. I didn’t plan on doing it again.
Even if my gaze sometimes strayed to Beckett and stayed far longer than it should.
“Earth to Eliza,” Brenna said.
I cleared my throat, blushing. I shouldn’t have been thinking about Beckett or the Montgomerys at all like that. I was exhausted. That had to be it. It was hard to sleep when the calendar kept turning, and you felt as if you couldn’t keep up.
I cleared my throat. “Sorry. I think I’m a little tired.”
Everyone gave me a sad look, and I held back a wince. There it was, the beginning of: Oh, I’m sorry. Poor Eliza. She must be so sad. She lost her husband. And she wasn’t even able to say goodbye. Everybody had placed a giant W like a scarlet letter on my shirt. I would be forever labeled a widow. Even by my best friends. Because none of us knew how to deal with this. I didn’t even spend time with the other military wives these days because we lived so far off base. I hadn’t really jelled with them anyway. My friends were all civilians, and they didn’t truly understand what it meant to be a Gold Star widow.
Not that I knew what that meant either, as it was different for each person. It seemed that every gaze that landed on me held pity in it, some deeper than others, some with pain that I wasn’t sure was for me. They wondered what to say to the woman who seemed fine, though they figured she had to be lying about her true feelings. Because she couldn’t be fine so soon after losing her husband. She had to still be in deep pain and mourning and wailing over a coffin barely a year out. She couldn’t be finding her place and ready to move on, or having dreams about a sexy, bearded man.
I gritted my teeth, knowing that wasn’t fair to anyone. They didn’t know what I was feeling or thinking because I didn’t tell them. I put a smile on my face. And if I told them that I was okay, that I was healing, they wouldn’t believe me. Or they would think me callous. Even my best friends would, wouldn’t they? Because I missed my husband with every ounce of my soul, and I loved him, but I was okay. I was breathing, I was healing. And I was okay. I didn’t think the world truly understood that.
I shook off my melancholic thoughts and smiled, doing my best not to look too happy or sad.
Brenna had been asking about Beckett. I needed to get back in the moment and stop dwelling on the past. “Some random stranger hit on me, and Beckett did his normal thing and tried to save me.” I rolled my eyes and smiled, and Brenna’s shoulders relaxed. The others seemed to do the same. There was nothing else I could do. Nothing I could say to change the way people thought about me. I just had to be me—whatever that meant, since I wasn’t really sure.
“That’s Beckett for you. Always saving everybody.”
I held back a frown at that because he had said he hadn’t saved everyone. What had he meant by that? That he wasn’t pushy and tried not to get involved in everyone’s life? Because I really didn’t think that was the case. It had to be something else. I didn’t know. However, it wasn’t my place. I had only been thinking that I didn’t want people looking at me differently and wondering what I was thinking, or to think too hard about me at all. Yet, here I was, doing the same thing about Beckett Montgomery. I needed to be better.
I cleared my throat. “Anyway, I am going home if that’s okay with everybody.”
Annabelle opened her mouth to say something but then yawned. I snorted as Jacob quickly bundled her into his arms, though he did set her feet down on the floor first. I had a feeling if he knew that Annabelle wouldn’t mind, he would probably have carried her out of the building like a prince carrying his princess.
“Well, it seems I’m tired, too,” Annabelle said on a laugh, and I just shook my head. I couldn’t believe that my best friend was pregnant. It seemed like just yesterday she had been fighting with Jacob over every single little thing. Of course, that fighting had been a clue to something else, something far hotter, and now they were married and living in Annabelle’s house. I was currently renting Jacob’s old place from them and living right next door. Even if some people might think it a little too much like charity, it was an ideal situation. I paid the average rent for the neighborhood. I had a decent job, and I was fine. I didn’t know what else to be. It wasn’t like I had anywhere else to go. Colorado had become my home. I was going to make it mine. Somehow.
“I guess that’s it for the night,” Lee said, and I looked up at the man. Like Brenna and me, Lee wasn’t a Montgomery. He was one of Beckett’s best friends—also Benjamin’s. He fit in with everybody, though, even though he worked long hours and we rarely got to see him. It was nice to see him out and about tonight. Of course, that’s what people would likely say about me.
It’s so nice to see you out and about, living but not too much. You shouldn’t have too much fun, because that will shade his memory.
I winced inwardly again because that wasn’t what my friends were thinking. I knew that. No, that was the other people in my life. Not my family, but the others at the base, and those who knew me casually from work. They didn’t know me, not really, and I didn’t want them to. I didn’t know what I wanted.
And that was enough of that.
I waved everybody off and headed to my car. Brenna sidled up next to me as she had parked one spot over. “Are you doing okay tonight?” she asked, her voice soft.
I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and gave her a side-hug. “I am. It’s good to get out. I don’t do it enough.”
“Are you doing okay?” I asked after a moment.
She shrugged and smiled up at me. “I guess. Long days.”
I nodded and hugged her tightly. Brenna was a cake decorator, and though she didn’t own a shop per se, she worked long hours and was in high demand. To the point that if I even wanted a cake, I was pretty sure I’d have a six-month wait.
“We’ll do this again. Maybe next week?” Brenna asked.
I nodded. “Yes. I’m going to do better about getting out.”
“You’re already doing great, Eliza.” She hugged me tightly, and I leaned into her, knowing that I was safe in her arms. Just like I was safe in many of my friends’ arms. I could be the self-conscious one, trying to cope, attempting to figure out who I was and who I needed to be as a widow. Even though I might be afraid of what my friends thought of me, I shouldn’t be. I knew they loved me, and I had to remember that.
After saying goodbye, I made my way home, slowly pulling into my driveway. Annabelle and Jacob had made it home before me, and their garage door was just closing. Annabelle must be tired—or even asleep in the passenger seat—for them to have pulled in without waving goodnight. I didn’t mind. Everyone’s family was changing, and it was nice. Soon, there would be a little baby next door, one I’d be able to hold and cherish even if it gave me a slight twinge.
I didn’t need to think about that. Ever, I reminded myself.
I checked around the house, got myself some water, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and then slid into bed.
It was a different mattress than the one I’d had in my home with Marshall. It was a different everything. This wasn’t the home I had shared with my husband. Most people told me not to make big moves and changes within the first year of losing him, but the rent had come up, and my lease had ended in our old home. I knew that place wasn’t for me anymore. It had been Marshall’s, the place he had liked. He was rarely home. He was always on tour. So, when I lost him, I had chosen a place for myself. Even though, in reality, I had picked somewhere that was available and happened to be owned by a friend. I was saving up, and I’d soon be able to buy a place of my own. My work was going well, actually, I had health insurance through the military, and I had a savings thanks to life insurance and SGLI, the Servicemembers' Group Life Insurance. It was weird that I even got a death gratuity because of losing Marshall. A gratuity for death.
As if they planned on having their people die overseas and had a checklist for what happened to those left behind.
I shook my head and lay down, trying to close my eyes. There were all sorts of checklists for widows. I had even printed one out from the internet so I knew what I needed to do. Paperwork-wise, house-wise, and everything else-wise.
Of course, most of the things regarding health and personal stuff I was already doing by myself. Marshall had rarely been home. It was like having two different lives. One where my husband lived with me, and one where I was a woman waiting for her husband to return home. Now, I knew he would never be coming home.
I shook my head and let myself rest, slowly waiting for morning to arrive.
By the time I woke up, the sun was just edging over the horizon. I rarely slept full nights these days, but I had learned to nap. I drank my water, I ate my fruits and vegetables. Everything on the checklist to take care of myself.
I worked out, showered, and got myself some coffee and a bagel. I was craving carbs and cream cheese, so I dove into it. I was just about to head to my studio in the back to work when the doorbell rang. I frowned. It must be a Montgomery. It was always a Montgomery or someone close to them.
I looked through the peephole and smiled even as I scowled. I wasn’t sure how it happened, but it did. I opened the door, and my eldest brother, Eli, and my closest-in-age brother, the baby brother of the Wilders, Elliot, stood there.
There were seven of us, and everyone had a name that started with an E. My parents loved to make things confusing.
I blinked at them. “What are you two doing here?”
“We’re here because we love you,” Eli said as he shouldered his way in. Elliot gave me a small smile, and I sighed.
“Please, come in. It’s not like it’s a workday and I have anything to do.”
Elliot cleared his throat. “We’re not going to stay for long, we just wanted to stop by.”
“I didn’t even know you two were in the state.”
“We have a TDY at the academy,” Elliot said as he kissed my cheek. “We figured it would be good for us to come up and see you.”
“I’m in Fort Collins. That’s not like a twenty-minute drive.”
“No, but it’s not like driving through Texas, either,” Elliot said with a wink.
We had all been born outside of San Antonio, our father being military, as well. We had lived all over the world, though our dad had been Army. My six brothers had joined the Air Force. All six of them. And I had married a military man, too. Apparently, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree, no matter that the tree seemed to be wilting a bit.
That was an odd metaphor to think of.
“So, really. What are you doing here?” I asked. “Not that I don’t love you guys being here. I love seeing you since I rarely get to, but what’s going on?”
Eli shrugged. “As I said, we love you. If all six of us could have gotten here, we would have, but it’s hard to get us all pinned down.”
“Considering that I don’t remember the last time we were all in the same place, you’re right,” I said softly. I missed my brothers something fierce. With all of them being active military, on different rotations, and on different bases, it meant that I rarely got to see them in one place unless it was over a video call.
“We really just wanted to tell you that we love you,” Elliot echoed.
Eli cleared his throat. “And, well, we’re all getting out,” he added, and Elliot winced.
I blinked, my heart racing. I couldn’t have heard that correctly. “What?”
“We’re all getting out. We’re not re-upping,” Eli said.
“We’re done. We did our time—some more than others,” Elliot said as he looked at Eli.
My eldest brother shrugged. “We did the time we wanted. I don’t know. It feels different now.”
I looked between them. “Because Marshall’s gone?” I asked, tears in my throat.
“That’s part of it,” Eli said and sighed. “Not all of it.”
Elliot leaned forward. “We’re done, Eliza. And we are thinking about going home.”
I looked between them and frowned. “Home? Where’s home for a military brat?” I asked, the refrain common and a joke on my tongue.
“Home, down to Texas,” Eli said. “We’re all going to work down there.”
“Together?” I asked.
“We’re working on it,” Elliot said softly.
“We want you to come with us,” Eli added. “Come, be with family. You don’t need to stay here. Marshall’s gone, let us take care of you.”
I looked between them and sighed. And then went to make more coffee. This would be a long discussion, and one I didn’t want to have.
Because I barely knew who I was anymore, and I didn’t want anyone taking care of me. It seemed my brothers didn’t understand that. Then again, I really didn’t either.
