Love & London by Ellie White

CHAPTER EIGHT

When I woke up this morning, I was hungover and exhausted from a night of tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable. Although I was tired, I just couldn't switch my brain off. I kept re-playing the events of the evening, wishing I had said something else to Jake, made different choices. I try to make sense of it all but, the more I try to figure it all out, the less I can understand.

I think about the fun we had playing crazy golf, the almost 'moment' we had in the street and the feelings it has stirred up from somewhere deep inside of me. I think of my amazing T-shirt (which is now my new favourite thing to sleep in), I see the pictures he took of me when I didn't notice and how happy I looked in them. Then, I think about Jake leaving my flat in a completely different mood than when he entered it. I hated seeing the look he gave me as he left.

I should ring him and apologise but I have no idea what I would be apologising for. I want to speak to him but I don't know what I'd say.

"So, he just left?" Laura asks once I've finished telling her about my night. "No explanation?"

When I called her and told her to meet me at the West End restaurant early to examine everything in detail, she agreed right away. I was hoping she could make some sense out of it all from an outside perspective.

"Yeah, it was weird. He made up a stupid excuse that it was late and practically ran out of the door. Usually, he texts me during the day or he'll send me random pictures of things he thinks I'll like but it's, what, 5 pm? I've not heard from him at all today. I almost feel like I should apologise to him but I don't know why. It's not like I did anything wrong."

"Well, you did agree to go on a date with another man in front of him... Less than an hour after he almost kissed you."

"It's Jake. He kisses a lot of people he doesn't mean to."

"If you ask me - which you did - I think he wanted to kiss you then you pulled away, making him second guess himself. He would have tried again if you hadn't answered the phone to Sam but then, when you arranged another date, with a man that wasn't him… He realised he'd missed his window. That's why he left in a hurry. His ego was hurt and he's probably a little embarrassed," Laura says, stressing each sentence by prodding the table between us with her index finger.

‘The moment has gone,’ that's what he'd said to me.

"That would make sense if he wanted to kiss me. I've gone through it in my mind so many times that now I'm not so sure he did try to kiss me. Maybe I made it up in my mind."

"Come on, Maggie. He obviously fancies you, we can all tell. He sits with you at any opportunity, he flirts with you like crazy and he always has his arm around you. Whenever he looks at you, he gets these big, loving eyes that I've honestly never seen on him, like, ever."

"He flirts with everyone."

"Does he though? Because he doesn't flirt with me or Helen. He doesn't look at us like he looks at you."

Come to think of it, I haven't seen him flirt with anyone recently and I haven't seen him hook up either.

"Have you seen the photos on Instagram?" Laura asks me, pulling out her phone.

"I don't have an account."

"Firstly, you need to sign up and then look at your own company profile. You might even see something you like."

"I will when I get home. Give me yours," I say, taking the phone off her.

I bring up our profile and (like Jude promised) there is a new story. The first picture is of me and Jake standing proudly with our golf clubs.

‘Our very own Commanders-in-Chief went head-to-head tonight. Stay tuned to find out who wins!’

There are other random photos of everyone having a fantastic time, smiling and laughing while posing on the various courses. I laugh as I watch the videos back, explaining to Laura who the different people are.

There are videos of me, too, drinking cocktails with Claire, attempting to coach Jude into making better shots. I keep scrolling through until I see, right there, on the screen, me and Jake looking extremely comfortable with each other. I'm celebrating my win and, when he comes over to throw me over his shoulder, I squeal and laugh without a care in the world.

I remember how I felt in that moment and it's a far cry from how I feel now.

Before we can continue our conversation, our mums walk into the restaurant so we quickly pretend to talk about something else. In the back of my mind, all I'm thinking about is what Laura has said. I haven't really thought about how Jake looks at me but I do know how I feel when his eyes meet mine, how my stomach feels like it's doing somersaults and my heart speeds up ever so slightly.

So, what if we flirt a lot and sit by each other a lot or if he reminds me of a time when life was much simpler?

As our Mums get to our table, we share kisses and excited hellos so I try to put all thoughts of him to the side. We've all been looking forward to tonight and overthinking things isn't going to ruin it for me.

"It's been so long since we've done this," Mum says as she takes her seat next to me and squeezes my hand. "Thank you for arranging everything, I can't wait to see the show."

"You should be thanking Helen, she managed to get us great seats," I say.

"It's the sing-along show, too," Laura says excitedly. "We can sing along to our hearts content without being shushed."

"Sweetheart, there's nothing nice about the five of us singing," Angie, Laura's mum, says with a laugh. “Is Helen performing tonight?”

“Yes, she’s playing one of Sophie’s friends,” Laura answers. “She said she will meet us for a drink afterwards.”

"What are we drinking, ladies? Red, white, pink?" Jake's mum, Margaret, asks.

It's a unanimous vote for rosé so she orders two bottles from the waiter and my plan of an evening on Diet Coke went out the window. The waiter comes over to deliver our order and we all sit and chat. It reminds me of old times when we would do this more often.

Two hours pass quickly when everyone is enjoying themselves and its eventually time to make our way to the theatre.

"So, how are you finding working with my Jake?" Margaret asks me as she walks with me and Laura while Mum and Angie trail along behind.

"It's going really well, working with him is great," I say as Laura gives me a knowing smile.

"And he's been hanging around with us quite a lot, too," Laura chips in. "It's good to have him back."

"I'm glad. It'll keep him out of trouble. I never did like the kind of company he has been known to keep," his mum says, pausing to think for a moment. "I only ask because- Well... he's been rather..."

"Moody? Sensitive? A pain in the arse?" Laura replies with suggested adjectives.

"Exactly."

"We've noticed that, too," I say. "I'll talk to him on Monday see if he'll tell me what's going on."

"I think he might have a secret girlfriend," his mum says.

I can't explain why my stomach feels like it’s dragging on the ground while simultaneously getting stuck in my throat but the thought of him secretly seeing someone is unnerving. None of this makes sense. Why would he try to kiss me if he were already seeing someone?

"He hasn't said anything but we'll look out for him, don't worry," Laura says as I struggle to use my words.

Mum and Angie finally catch up and the subject changes to what we should drink here which provides welcome relief from hearing about Jake's potential girlfriend.

"You go ahead and get our seats, we'll bring the drinks," Laura says, dragging me to the bar.

Mum gives me a funny look as though she's trying to read my emotions but failing.

"Still telling yourself you don't have feelings for him?" Laura says in a hushed tone.

Is that what this feeling is? Yeah, he's good looking, he's charming and chivalrous. He makes me laugh and I love spending time with him.

"Oh, shit! It's finally hit you, hasn't it?" she says, taking in the look of realisation on my face.

Of course, I like like him. I didn't want him to kiss me because I was drunk and confused. I wanted him to kiss me because I like him and I hate the thought of him kissing anyone else. It's obvious to me, now, but it's too late to do anything. I'm going on a date on Monday night. Of course, I could cancel but do I want to?

What if I did do something about it, what's to say Jake would see it as anything more than just a good time?

Or what if his Mum is right and he does have a secret girlfriend?

"He can date whoever he wants," I finally say. "It's not like I can say anything. I'm dating."

"He isn't dating anyone, you know that! He obviously likes you. Just tell him you fancy him, too," Laura says, exasperated.

"Okay, what if I do tell him? Jake has already told me he doesn't date. Even if he made an exception and we date for a little bit, what happens when someone else catches his eye? You know how fickle he can be. Then, when it ends - which it inevitably would - we continue to run a business together? Will one of us have to leave? Just because I fancy him and I think about him all the time and want to spend every waking second I have with him doesn't mean I should act on it. The risks are too high."

"I think you're underestimating him. What if you fall in love? You could be happy."

"But what if we don't? It will end and, eventually, I'll lose him. Not to mention it will probably be me who would end up completely heartbroken and have to leave. Losing my dad’s life work over a fling? It isn't worth the risk."

"What if you don't do anything about it and lose him anyway? Could you watch him get married? Or have kids? Because you can guarantee he won't be single for the rest of his life."

I suppose that's something I'll have to figure out...

***

Monday comes around quickly and Jake isn't his usually bubbly self. He didn't meet me at the tube station, he didn't reply to any of my texts over the weekend and I don't think he's even looked at me this morning. I don't bring any of that up, though; there’s no use rocking the boat any more than I apparently already have. Instead, we get on with our morning in a business-like fashion.

We attend our own meetings, we do our job and that's about it. There's no flirting or talking about anything not related to our work. He doesn't look over at me from his desk with his cheeky grin or mischievous eyes and, by 11 am, I wanted to give him a good shake, to demand that he snaps out of it. I held back because I was too afraid of having to admit my own feelings to him and I really didn't have time to worry about it with everything else going on today.

I had psyched myself up over the weekend and planned to ask him if he wanted me to cancel my date but we hadn't been alone all morning. Sasha and Thomas would come in and out of the office, a bunch of other people come and go dropping paperwork off or picking paperwork up.

I took Laura's advice and downloaded Instagram and so had Jude come to help me set it all up. He showed me our Instagram feed and the amazing rise in engagement we've had because of his campaign. Apparently, the picture of Jake and I in our matching t-shirts brought in the most likes we've had on the page so far. I guess he was right; people like to see behind the scenes.

"What do you fancy doing for lunch today?" I ask Jake when he gets back to our office after his last meeting of the morning. We've eaten lunch together every day for three weeks so it doesn't occur to me that we wouldn't today.

"I'm going to head out and meet some people," he says, shuffling some documents around without looking my way.

"Oh, right. Lovely," I say with disappointment plastered across my face.

"Have you seen the stuff Lou brought in?" he asks, still searching.

"It's just there," I say, pointing towards the shelves by the window. "Going anywhere nice?"

"Huh?" he asks, not really listening to me which is starting to wind me up.

"For lunch? Are you going anywhere nice for lunch?”

"Not really," he says, reading a file that Thomas left on his desk earlier and put it next to the other pile of documents before picking up another and then another.

I can feel myself getting more and more annoyed as I mentally scream at him to just look at me. It doesn't work: He can't read my mind. If he could, he would more than likely be shocked by the expletive thoughts aimed his way.

"Right, well, I'm in back-to-back meetings this afternoon so I probably won't see you until we leave for the day. We'll be ready by six, yeah? I'm sending the instructions down to scheduling at 3 so we'll have plenty of catch-up time after that."

"I have plans after work. I'm leaving at four," he says dismissively.

That's about as much as I can handle. He still refuses to look anywhere close to my direction as he gives me his clipped answers.

"What are you doing, Jake?" I snap in frustration as I shut the office door, planting my hands on my hips as I glare at him.

"I'm not doing anything, Maggie. I have a date after work with someone I met on Saturday night. As per your rules, I'm not permitted to talk to you about it. You can't be mad at me for following your own rules." There’s an edge to his voice when he speaks and it cuts me deeper with every word.

Jake has a date and I'm left feeling like a red-hot poker has been shoved deep into my chest cavity.

"Oh, right, well… That's nice. I hope you have a lovely time." Lies, all lies.

I hope he has a shit time.

I feel guilty as soon as the thought enters my mind. I have no right to feel that way when I'm going on a date tonight, too.

He puts his coat on and starts to leave without another word.

"Jake, please," I shout after him and he turns to look at me for the first time. I want to tell him I'll cancel my date but what use is it if he has a date, too? I knew that if we repeated what almost happened on Friday night, it would be a huge mistake.

"What, Maggie? What more do you want from me?" he says, exasperated. It’s as though talking to me is a chore. In all the years we didn’t speak, he had never looked at me like this, so disconnected, cold and bored. Tears fill my eyes at his icy words. This isn't like him at all and it's killing me.

"Don't do this. Please, don't push me away again. I don't think I can handle it," I beg, desperation oozing from every word as I'm barely clinging on to our friendship with the tips of my fingers.

For a moment, he looks at me and his eyes soften, looking almost sad. Maybe he's feeling as bad about our fight as I am?

"Why are we fighting, Jake? Why do I feel like I'm losing you?”

He doesn't seem to know the answer any more than I do.

"I'm sorry, Maggie," he says, coming to me and kissing my forehead, pulling me in close to his body as he strokes my hair. I close my eyes at his touch and wrap my arms around his waist. I just want my friend back. I'd do anything to go back to Friday night and change the way things ended. The embrace should be comforting but it's far from it. This feels more like a goodbye than us making up.

He takes a deep breath and I can hear the emotion break in his voice as he speaks.

"I just need a bit of space, that's all. We've spent three weeks in each other’s pockets and I love spending time with you, I really do, but-" He cuts off.

But what?

"We can do lunch tomorrow, okay? I just need a night where you don't text me or call me."

He walks out the office, leaving me standing there all alone. I should feel better. He wants to do lunch tomorrow, that has got to mean something, right? Instead, it's like everything has somehow gotten even worse as I watch him leave.

‘I just need a night where you don't text me or call me’.

So, that's it? I'm being too full on or something? He needs space? Clearly, we are on two different pages when it came to our friendship.

I sit at my desk, trying to stop the tears that are threatening to fall and dial Laura's number, hoping she has the answers to my problems.

***

Sam is stood outside the restaurant when I arrive later that evening. I guessed it was him due to his right arm being held up in a sling. We introduce ourselves and hit it off straight away. I suppose there’s no better icebreaker than having to chop someone’s food for them. He seems embarrassed, at first, but then we both start uncontrollably laughing at the bizarre situation and we both seem to get past our initial nerves.

"Last week, did you think I'd be sat here, chopping your food for you on our first date?" I say through tears of laughter.

"I mean, it's a remarkable story, right? I wonder how many first dates start like this."

I have to agree with him there.

"You'll have to excuse my terrible table manners tonight. I can only eat with my left hand which I'm not great at so will probably end up with food all down myself by the end of the evening," he adds. "So, tell me more about what you do. Laura was telling me that you own an Advertising Agency?"

"Co-own, really. My dad and his best friend started the agency back in the early eighties. They decided to retire this year and passed the company to me and Jake. It's been two weeks and we seem to be doing okay."

Other than today's argument, I think.

"Your business partner?"

"Yeah, he's a friend, too. We grew up together since our parents are close.” My heart pulls when I talk about him so I decide to change the subject. "What is it that you do?"

"I'm a children's TV presenter."

Good with kids. Good to know.

"Wow, that's amazing. I bet it's lot of fun." I can see how the job would suit him. From first impressions, he seems wholesome and caring. Those are two great qualities you'd hope to find in a kid's TV host, I imagine.

"We get paid to play games and act around all day. Don't get me wrong, it’s so much fun, but the filming is long and tiring. Maybe that's why I'm thirty-five and still single, the long hours," he says, smiling a wide grin and showing his perfectly straight, white teeth.

"I know all about that. Long hours, I mean. We're working on the biggest pitch in the history of our agency so we've been putting a lot of long days in. It's a good job I like my co-workers," I say before realising that probably was a bit more literal than I intended.

Why can't I get that man out of my head? Jake has no business being in there when I'm on a date with a handsome stranger.

"You understand the struggle then" he says smiling again. He’s so lovely that it makes me feel guilty, makes me wish I could focus.

As far as first dates go (not that I've had many to compare), this does seem to be going well. It helps that Sam is attractive. He's not at all like Jake. In fact, he couldn't be more different. He's tall with blonde, wavy hair that sweeps down over his forehead and deep brown eyes. Our conversation flows well and we spend most of the evening laughing at each other's stories, particularly my disastrous Tinder date (which he finds hilarious). I suppose that, looking back, I can see the funny side of it.

"I just can't imagine you stood in the street in handcuffs."

"Right?! It was so embarrassing. As if anyone could look at me and see a criminal," I say laughing at my own misfortune. "Anyway, I deleted all the dating apps, they’re nothing but trouble."

"Well, that’s good to know," he says as his eyes shine over his drink.

He tells me the hilarious story of his broken collarbone and is shocked when I ask if he had a picture of the x-ray and if I could see it. He laughs as I wince at the sight of his bone snapped clearly in two. I'm not sure what I was expecting but it wasn’t that. All is most definitely forgiven for standing me up.

As it turns out, the children's TV world is pretty scandalous so he has his fair share of great tales to tell. I can't wait to hear more. There isn't a single moment where we're sat in silence. We talk about our hobbies, likes and dislikes and generally get to know each other. He smiles a lot when he tells me about his family and shows me pictures of his older sister's two young children. It's clear that he adores them, his eyes sparkle when he says their names.

He asks me about Philip, too. I suppose Laura told him about that and I tell him the condensed version of what happened, leaving out all the tragic details and the years that have led me here. Talking about being a widow isn't really first date material. But, what I do tell him, he intently listens to, taking it all in. When I talk so fondly about Philip, there's no sign of jealousy at all. He just wants to know more about the kind of person he was and even asks about the kind of relationship we had.

The whole evening, he was such a gentleman, pulling out my chair and opening doors. He even insisted on walking me home so he knew I was safe, even though he lives half an hour in the other direction.

If I had a checklist, he would tick every box.

Great looking? Check.

Good with kids? Check.

Great job that he loves and plenty of ambition? Check.

Great listener, kind, considerate? Check, check and check.

I'm glad I gave him a second chance because, if I didn’t, I wouldn't be having such a lovely time with Sam. The whole situation still begs the question: Would I be having a lovely time with Jake if I didn't answer my phone that night?

"So, this is me," I say as we reach my front door.

"I've had a really nice night," he says, nervously looking at his shoes. "I know it's not the done thing and I'm sure there’s a rule on waiting so many days but… do you think I can ask you on a second date?"

"I would love that," I say, my grin matching his.

"We'll, I'm off all week with this," he says, indicating to the sling. "How about I meet you for lunch near your office one day?"

"That sounds great. I will check my meetings and text you tomorrow?" I ask before quickly adding, "Unless there’s a rule against that, too?"

Is there a rule? Does it make me look desperate? I should have really Googled the rules of dating.

"Text me tomorrow," he says, smiling as he pulls me in with his good arm to place a soft kiss on my cheek, pausing for a second before kissing me on the mouth.

It's a sweet kiss, soft and delicate. Romantic.

Was it as earth shattering as my almost kiss with Jake? No, but it was pleasant.

I have got to stop comparing the two.

"You should get inside, it’s cold," he says once he’s pulled away.

"Goodnight, Sam. Thank you, again, for dinner tonight. I had a great time," I say, unable to suppress the smile on my face as I turn away.

I turn and wave as I shut the door but something catches my attention: A black car with tinted windows I hadn't noticed before, sat directly across the road before speeding off down the street. A car that looked a lot like Jake's car. I pull out my phone and dial his number but he doesn't answer which leaves me with even more questions about his behaviour than I already had.

I thought he was out on a date. Does she live close by, is that why he was here? Or was he checking up on me?

I send him a quick text, asking him to call me but I don't expect him to. If he was on a date, he's probably busy.

I let myself into my flat and my phone dings. I was expecting to see Jake's name when I heard the notification but, instead, it's a message from Sam which lifts my spirits again.

Sam: Thanks for giving me a second chance tonight, it was great. Sleep well. X

Sam is a great man and a great catch; I should feel lucky he asked me out on a second date. Whether it was him or not, Jake Mills is not going to ruin this moment for me so I put him to the back of my mind once again. I call Laura (as instructed) to tell her about my fantastic first date with Sam.