Commitment Issues by Ali Ryecart
Chapter Thirty-Four
Freddie
“You’re not listening to a word I’m saying.”
I look up from my phone, which I’m hiding under the table, and find Cosmo’s accusing stare boring into me.
“Of course I’m listening to you.” Which is only half true because I’ve been engaged in a text ping-pong with Elliot.
“If you’d rather spend the evening with Elliot, don’t let me stop you.” Cosmo might sound flippant but his downturned lips tell another story. I thumb a quick message over to Elliot and close down my phone.
“I’m sorry,” I say, and I mean it. I’m so caught up with Elliot, even when I’m not physically with him, that I have to be reminded that I have other people in my life. Like my best friend. “I really am sorry, but I’m all yours now.” Cosmo doesn’t look convinced and so I flutter my eyelashes at him which makes him smile.
I’ve spent a day in the university library and arranged to meet Cosmo after work. I haven’t really seen him very much lately.
His recent promotion’s keeping him busy, and he can be away for days on end. He’s been home for a couple of days, but I haven’t, because the truth is I’ve spent much of the time he’s been away at Elliot’s.
I’d got Cosmo’s text last night, asking me to meet him after work to go out for a few drinks before heading home, when I’d been entwined with Elliot on the sofa, with Jasper doing his best to join in. And I’d hesitated, which made me feel bad because what I really wanted was to race over to Elliot’s. So I’d hesitated, one half of me wanting to say yes, the other half trying to come up with an excuse which didn’t sound too lame, but the decision was made for me when Elliot said he was going to be working late tonight — and that I should never, ever, ignore my best friend.
“I’ll get us both another drink.” Before Cosmo can protest and say he’ll get them, I’m already up and heading to the bar. His unthinking generosity, when it comes to me, is another thing that sends a twinge of guilt to my stomach. There’s a lot of people and stuff in my life that I don’t really care about but Cosmo’s definitely, absolutely, not one of them.
The pub, tucked away in the heart of Soho, is busy. The small garden’s decked out with mirrors and fairy lights, and as I edge my way through the crush to get to the bar, I see somebody I recognise but I can’t think from where… and then it comes to me.
The café, Barista Boys, where I first met Elliot. It’s the big guy, Bernie. He’s at the bar with a group of friends, his arm slung around the shoulders of a smaller guy, who’s looking up at him as though he’s found the greatest gift in the world. The muscles in my chest tighten as I watch them, but I’ve no time to analyse what I’m thinking, or why, when the harassed barman asks me what I want.
“It’s good to see you know how to treat a boy,” Cosmo says, grabbing the crisps I’ve brought back along with our beers. “Drinks and dinner. Anybody would think you’re trying to get me to put out.”
I throw back my head and laugh. “You should be so lucky, you’re far too short for my tastes.”
“Hmm.” One brow arches up. It’s impressive, and I wish I could do it, but when I’ve tried Cosmo tells me it looks like I’m constipated. “It’s because you have a taste for men of your own height. Like Elliot. He’s tall.”
“Yeah,” I say, concentrating on the crisps in front of me, deliberately not meeting his eye.
“Are you blushing?”
“No, why would I be blushing?” Although I am. I can feel the heat throbbing in my cheeks.
“Yes, you are. I mention his name, and you go all red. Aww, cute,” he says, with a snigger.
I take a swig from my bottled beer to wet my suddenly parched mouth.
“Anyway, how is your boyfriend?”
The evil little short-arse grins at me over the rim of his bottle.
“We’re not boyfriends.” I do my best to stare him out, but I can’t help but be the one who blinks first. “Neither of us is looking for that. I told you we got together at the party—”
“I heard you. You know how fucking loud you are? It was pretty hot, all your moaning and groaning.”
“You were listening?” Oh, God, no…
Cosmo smirks. “Yeah, of course I was. If I didn’t know you were such a prude, I’d have come in and offered to join you.”
“No, I don’t believe you…”
“So, let me get this right,” he says, ignoring me. “After saying you weren’t going to get involved, when you got back from France, you then fuck his brains out — or he fucks yours, but whatever — at the party, and then you start seeing each other on a regular basis. That kind of sounds like what boyfriends do.” He sits back in his seat, a smug grin spread across his face.
“It’s not like that. I like his company and he likes mine. It’s a casual thing, neither of us are interested in getting involved.” The words crawl down my spine.
“Casual? This, from you, who doesn’t do casual?”
Cosmo sits up ramrod straight, his eyes so wide they look like they’re in danger of popping out of their sockets. He’s almost screamed the words out, and a few heads turn our way.
“Keep your voice down,” I hiss.
“Not involved?” he says, mercifully quieter this time. “You could have fooled me. You’re spending more and more time with him — you’re even sorting out his food shop and taking his dog for walks.”
I groan, and wish I hadn’t told him that.
“It’s not—”
“It’s not what? I know I’ve not been around all that much in recent weeks, but even when I have, you haven’t, because you’re with Elliot. And his dog. Playing happy families. You spend more time with him than you ever did with Paul, and he was supposed to have been your boyfriend. If it looks like a boyfriend, sounds like a boyfriend, tastes like a boyfriend then guess what? It’s a boyfriend.”
“That’s not what we agreed…”
“What you agreed in theory and what’s happening in practice look like two different things. So, what’s going on here, Freddie? What’s really happening?” Cosmo puts his beer down on the table and leans in towards me. “Tell me.”
His voice is coaxing and gentle. But tell him? I don’t even know what to tell myself anymore.
“Nothing’s happening.” It isn’t, because I can’t let anything happen beyond what we have. My hand finds the back of my neck, squeezing and rubbing. “When we agreed… Well, he was clear about the boundaries. He told me he’s not ready for more than… a sexual relationship. And I get that.”
“Can I refer you to Exhibit A? Sorting out his shopping, and dog walking? Where do they fit in with a sex-only relationship? Unless you’re using Tesco’s Finest range in all kinds of interesting ways, and as for the dog getting involved—”
“You’re seriously perverted.”
“That’s the kindest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
Cosmo winks at me and I can’t help laughing, as I shake my head.
“Yes, there’s more to it than sex. We like each other’s company. I—I feel at home with him.” And I do. Being in his house, playing with Jasper, talking as we eat a meal I’ve cooked for the two of us. And the sex? Yeah, it’s as loud as Cosmo says it is, but it’s only one part of the wider picture.
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
“What do you mean? There’s nothing I can do. The arrangement is what it is. And it suits us both. Oh, stop rolling your eyes at me,” I snap. He doesn’t believe me, but I’m not ready to admit that I don’t believe me, either. “What’s happening, it’s time-limited. The odds are high that I’ll be going to Oslo. And besides, he’s not that long out of his relationship with Gavin. We’re kind of both in some sort of transition stage. He’s working one man out of his system before he moves forward, and I’m getting ready to leave.”
“So you’re some sort of fill in? Is that how you see yourself, as somebody to use to fuck Gavin out of his system?” He glares at me, and I see something in his eyes I’ve only rarely seen before. Anger.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. He’s not like that—”
“No, he isn’t. He’s a decent guy, I told you that at the start. He wouldn’t use you like that.”
“But aren’t we using each other?” I ask, my voice low and quiet. “Cos, please. Don’t read too much into what’s happening, because I’m not. For now, this suits us both. I went into this with my eyes open. I know what I’m doing.”
“Do you?”
I don’t answer, because I have no idea what to say.
