Commitment Issues by Ali Ryecart
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Freddie
“What are you doing?”
Cosmo makes me jump, and I swing around to find him leaning against my open bedroom door, a heavy frown creasing his brow.
“What do you mean, what am I doing? Isn’t it obvious?” My voice is short and snappy and he doesn’t deserve it. “I’m heading off to my parents for a few days.”
“But not until Saturday, and today’s Wednesday. We’re supposed to be going out tonight. It’s the next phase in Operation Celebrate Oslo.”
“I know, but I’m sorry, Cos, I don’t feel like celebrating very much. I need to get away.” I deliberately don’t look at him as I continue grabbing items of clothing without knowing what it is I’m grabbing and stuffing into my rucksack.
Cosmo will argue with me, because it’s what he does. But not this time. The next thing I know his hand’s on my arm, and he’s gently pulling me around to face him.
“What’s happened? And don’t tell me nothing because I won’t believe it.”
I shake my head, still not looking at him, and I cringe away as he leans forward.
“You’ve been crying.”
I shrug, because my words are choked in my throat. I don’t remember the journey home, I’d been numb and cold and I got back on autopilot, but as soon as I closed the door behind me it was as though the floodgates opened and I’d lain curled up on my bed, a wet, shaking, sniffling snotty ball.
“What the fuck’s happened?”
I finally look at him. Like his words, his normally mischievous green eyes are clouded with concern, and I sink down on my bed, suddenly more tired than I’ve ever been.
“I was in Waterstones this afternoon and Gavin was there…”
He sits down with me, and it all comes tumbling out.
“Bloody hell,” he says, when I finish stumbling over my words. “What a nasty bastard — Gavin, that is, not Elliot.”
“Thing is, I was expecting it in a way.”
“What?”
“Elliot and Gavin. They were together for a long time—”
“Yeah, but what Gavin did, that was the end of it. There’s no way Elliot will get back with him. If that was going to happen, don’t you think it would’ve already?”
“But what he said, it explains so much. The Elliot who got back from Oslo, if that’s where he was, was so different. It was like one man flew out, and another one returned.”
“How do you mean?”
I hesitate. Cosmo and I have always been open with each other, but the way Elliot’s been, the shift in him, I’ve just hugged it to myself.
“He’s been distant. Everything between us has been stilted and awkward. When he got back, it was like he wasn’t really there.”
“He was probably dog tired. Travelling for work isn’t the fun people think it is. You get to see offices, hotel bedrooms, and airports. It’s tedious and exhausting.”
I shake my head. “It was more than that. I expected him to be tired, but I didn’t expect him to—to retreat from me. But it’s what he did, and he’s been doing it ever since.”
And the sex. That’s changed, too. Fevered and desperate, so hot it scorches, yet somehow cold and unfulfilling. I don’t say this, even to Cosmo, because somehow it feels like a shameful little secret.
“He’s backing away. He’s getting ready to make a new life for himself, and he’s doing that by returning to his old one.” I shrug. “But that was always going to happen. Him and Gavin, and all that history. Ol’ Gav might be a Class A tosser, but he’s right about that. Yeah, I’m upset, can’t deny that, can I?” I say, giving Cosmo a weak and shaky smile. “But we were never a long-term arrangement, because it was likely I was always going to be leaving. We’re both leaving, I suppose. We were each other’s bit of fun, to fill in the gap, remember?”
Cosmo’s shaking his head hard, and looking more like a pugnacious little dog than ever, and despite it all, and through the tears prickling the back of my eyes, I can’t help but smile.
“No, don’t buy it. Each other’s bit of fun? That’s crap. But what I do buy, is that Gavin would lie through his teeth. You need to speak to Elliot and get this out in the open. I’ve known him for years and one thing I do know about him is that he’s honourable. He wouldn’t treat you like that, if he were ever to get back with Gavin, which he’s not. He’d be upfront with you. Ring him now and tell him what’s happened. Get his side of the story.”
Ring Elliot. Talk to Elliot. Get it all out in the open. Yes, yes, yes. It’s the right thing to do, the sensible, adult thing to do. But I don’t feel sensible, or even very much like an adult, at the moment.
“You’re right, I know you are. I will speak to him, but not now.”
“But—”
“Cos, please? Don’t push, okay?”
He doesn’t just look at me, he studies me, his face more serious than I think I’ve ever seen, before he gives a sharp nod.
“Okay, but I think you’re wrong. The more you leave it the more it’ll fester.”
I get up and continue packing. I’ve plenty of time before my train, but I just want to get out, get to the station, and sit myself in Wetherspoon’s for an hour or so and numb myself with cheap beer.
“How long will you be away for?”
“I’m not sure. A few days at most. I’ve finished with the supermarket now, but I’m still going to have to go into the department as I’ve work there to finish up before I go. All the arrangements for Oslo are pretty much tied up, so that’s one thing off my plate. There’s not really that much to hold me here until I go away.”
His face falls and I kick myself. I pull him to me and hug him tight. “Except for you of course, you idiot. For now, I just want to get away for a bit.”
“Okay, but don’t leave it too long before you speak to Elliot.”
I give him another hard hug before I clap my hands to his cheeks and give him a smacker of a kiss on the lips.
“I’ve told you, you’ve got to stop hitting on me ‘cause you’re not my type,” he says, laughter dancing in his eyes.
“And you’re not mine.” My voice catches. No, Cosmo’s not my type, because I know who and what is. “I’ll text you when I get home.” I turn away because I don’t want my friend to see the tears that are once again prickling at the back of my eyes, and threatening to fall.
