Montana Cowboy Daddy by Jane Porter
Chapter Three
Billy wasn’t comfortable with the direction the conversation had turned. “What would you do?”
“I’d do what I thought was best for Beck. I’d consider all options. Including adoption.”
His gut cramped. The idea of a baby being given up, given away, didn’t sit right with him. Children weren’t disposable, and family was meant to take care of family. “I can’t believe you’re really serious. I thought it was a test for me, a way to gauge my commitment.”
Erika’s cheeks flushed and she looked away. “You make me sound heartless.”
He’d always thought she was pretty, and he’d always worked hard to ignore it because she was April’s cousin, and she didn’t strike him as the type of woman interested in just a good time, and those were the women he pursued. Far better to play with those who knew, and understood, the rules of the game.
But in this moment, Erika looked not just pretty, she looked vulnerable, and it woke a protective instinct in him. “Would never dream of calling you heartless. I am sure you’ve been doing your best to keep your head above water, being thrust into the role of guardian out of the blue.”
She shot him a grateful look, which only served to strengthen his desire to not come at her when she was down. “It has been hard,” she admitted. “I’ve been his sole caretaker for close to four weeks. I’d never cared for a baby before and had to learn everything, even as I made arrangements for April’s cremation, and then moved her out of her apartment and made arrangements for all her things—” She broke off, drew a deep, unsteady breath. Her eyes, blue green shimmered turquoise with tears. “I reached out to April’s mother, and she hung up on me. My mom and I haven’t spoken in years. There is no one else in my family to go to. They’d already rejected April and the baby, and maybe that’s a good thing because there will be no battle for custody—”
“Why doesn’t your family want him?”
“It’s not just him. They don’t want me, either.”
He heard the crack in her voice and the underlying pain. “Why?”
She brushed the tears away. “I hate crying,” she muttered fiercely, pushing off the column to pace the floor. “Tears are so stupid.”
He checked his smile. “I won’t tell anyone, if that helps.”
She lifted her head, giving him a crooked smile. “Don’t make me laugh. I’m in a bad mood.”
Billy bit down to keep from laughing. Even then he smiled. “Why doesn’t your family want you?”
“I don’t come from a family like yours. We didn’t have a lot of love. I wasn’t raised with hugs and laughter. I’m not confident in my parental skills. I can’t help but think that there might be a truly wonderful family out there, desperate for a child—”
“You’d miss him.”
“I would, yes. Absolutely. But at the same time, if I thought he was with people who would love him and provide for him? Be there for him throughout his life? Then I’d be happy, for him. I would.” She stopped pacing to face him. “Have I ever told you what I do? What I’m studying?”
“You’re a researcher?”
“No. A student.” She dragged her hand over her head, pulling little blonde wisps from her loose ponytail. “I’m just a student. If I’d finished my degree, if I’d finished my dissertation and had a real job, and income, it’d all be different. But I’m not even halfway through.”
“What is a dissertation?”
“It’s a research project that completes the final step of my doctoral program, a compilation of academic and practical knowledge—”
“Doctoral?” he interrupted.
“I’m working toward my PhD in psychology.”
He was impressed. But also completely ignorant about everything she was saying, making him feel as if he was in a foreign country listening to people speak a language he didn’t know. “You’re nearing the end of your degree?”
“The dissertation is all that’s left, but it’s a big chunk of the degree, and I haven’t gotten anything done for the past month.”
“When is it due?”
“It’s not black and white like that. It’s due when it’s done, meaning when I’ve completed the research and writing. Most of my practical research is done. Now I need to structure and write it.”
“How long does it take to write it?”
“Again, depends. I’ve been warned that it could take anywhere from fourteen months to twenty months.” She grimaced. “I’m proving to be closer to the latter because I take on part-time jobs to help pay bills. I just finished a house sitting/dog sitting job when I got the call about Beck. Thank goodness, too. It would have been hard reaching JoJo’s owner in Patagonia.”
“JoJo?”
“A Chihuahua that likes to bite people.” Her nose wrinkled. “Not a good fit with a baby.”
“Uh, not a good fit with anyone.”
She laughed, the sound light and surprisingly bright, almost joyful. “JoJo tolerated me toward the end. But the beginning was rough. Once I realized treats were the way to get her to stop snapping, I carried them in my pocket all the time. Wouldn’t be in the same room with her without them.”
“This is why I like big dogs.”
“Oh, and big dogs don’t bite? Come on.”
“No dog should ever bite.”
“You have two very big dogs here.”
“We used to have three, but we lost our big boy, Runt, just after Christmas. Granddad took it really hard. Runt was his boy.”
“I’m sorry.”
Billy realized yet again he’d misjudged her. April and Erika were nothing alike, and that was both good and bad. Good, because Erika obviously had her act together, and was someone who could be counted on to make the right decisions for Beck. Bad because Erika intrigued Billy, and he couldn’t remember the last time a woman interested him at any level other than sexual. Erika was beautiful, but she was also smart, and he liked talking to her. He wanted to keep talking to her and that was not his norm.
“I don’t know how your family could not want you,” he said abruptly. “You’re incredibly successful—”
“But not a member of their church.” She gave him a tight, bright smile but he could see it didn’t reach her eyes. “And if you don’t believe, and don’t follow their principles, well, you don’t matter. You’re a heathen, and an outsider.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah, ouch.” She glanced toward the house, expression troubled. “But it is what it is. Dysfunction perpetuates dysfunction.” Her shoulders slumped and she looked weary. “It’s why I wanted to study psychology, why I wanted to learn, and grow, and try to learn what healthy behavior is. I don’t want to be like my family—”
“I don’t think you’re anything like your family.”
“You don’t know that.”
“As soon as you heard about April, you headed to Las Vegas and jumped into action, taking on her son”—he broke off, correcting himself—“possibly my son. You put your life on hold to handle her affairs and try to find Beck’s father. That’s admirable—”
“But it shouldn’t be admirable! It should just be what people do for each other. It should just be decency—”
“Exactly.” The conviction in her voice did something to him, making his chest tighten. He liked her. She wasn’t the enemy. And she wasn’t the problem. “I’ll get the paternity test done in Bozeman tomorrow. We should have results soon after, I imagine.”
“Thank you.” She drew a deep breath and squared her shoulders. “I’m thinking I should retrieve Beck from your mom. I don’t want to take advantage of her kindness.”
“She wouldn’t have offered if she didn’t want to do it. Mom is no pushover.”
Erika hesitated. “Do you mind telling me why she needs the walker? Is it arthritis?”
“We used to think it was arthritis, but she was recently diagnosed with MS. Fortunately, she’s on new medicine and it’s really helped her. Just two years ago Joe was carrying her up and down the stairs.”
“Thank goodness for new medicines.”
“Agreed.”
*
Back in thehouse, Erika changed Beck’s diapers, and then after giving him a bottle, walked him around, including a look at all the framed family photos in the hall, that also went up the stairs. Baby photos and family photos. Faded color photos of boys in football uniforms, as well as team wrestling photos. There were other photos of showing animals, and early rodeo wins. A photo of Christmas that had to be back from the seventies by the collared shirts the guys were wearing.
Granddad joined her in the hall. “Those are my boys,” he said gruffly, pointing to two handsome teenagers holding trophies in a rodeo arena. “JC and Samuel. Their first national win in team roping before they were invited to join the professional association.”
She glanced at Melvin, heart tender. “How old were they there?”
“JC would have been about nineteen. Sam seventeen.”
“They were good.”
“They were good boys.” Melvin’s voice deepened. “Did everything together. A lot like Billy and Tommy. Best friends.”
She searched Melvin’s strong features, his skin weathered from years outdoors. In her research on the Wyatts, she’d read how Melvin’s sons had died together in an accident when they were in their late twenties. JC and Summer already had four little boys. Sam hadn’t yet married, but had been seeing someone for a while. “It must have been devastating,” she said softly.
“Hard losing them both like that, yes.” He reached out and ran his hand lightly across the top of Beck’s head. “But they went to be with my Bess, and hopefully they’re in a better place.”
“And then you raised JC’s boys.”
“Family first always.”
Again her heart ached, and she had to hold her breath, to keep emotion in check. “They’re lucky to have you.”
“They saved me. Without them, I doubt I’d still be here. They gave me purpose. They kept me busy. They gave me a lot of love.” He looked down at her, with the same blue eyes Billy had, with the same blue eyes Beck had. “At the end of the day, love is what matters. Integrity, honesty, respect… those all matter, but they mean nothing without love.”
For the second time that day Erika was on the verge of tears, and she didn’t want to cry. She didn’t like feeling so emotional. “I hope Beck is your great-grandson, if only that he could have you for a great-grandfather. He’d be so lucky to be part of this family.”
“Well, if he is, you are, too. We’d be family together.”
*
Dinner that nightwas less rowdy than the night before. Sam and Ivy were missing, and Joe and Sophie were eating dinner together at their place. Tommy had made dinner, his favorite, fried chicken with mashed potatoes, and Erika silently marveled that the Wyatt men all seemed to cook. She didn’t say this, of course, since her own culinary skill was next to nothing, but she admired Summer for making sure her sons knew how to fend for themselves.
It was during dessert, over coffee and leftover birthday cake, that Tommy brought up Erika’s studies. “Billy said you were in graduate school, working on your PhD. That’s pretty impressive.”
She blushed as all attention shifted to her. “It’s been a commitment.”
“What drew you to psychology?”
“I liked the idea of helping people. It’s an interesting field.”
“How much more do you have left?” Summer asked.
“I’m in the writing phase of my dissertation. All the research is done.”
“I don’t really know what that entails,” Melvin said, “but I suspect it means you spend a lot of time at a computer.”
Erika smiled at him. “That’s exactly what it entails. Lots of drafting, lots of rewriting, lots of double-checking my research, sometimes finding huge holes in my work.”
Summer was listening intently. “That can’t be easy when you’re caring for a baby on your own.”
“It’s not,” Erika admitted. “I haven’t done anything in the past month. I’m trying not to panic, but I’m behind.”
“I hate that feeling,” Tommy said, leaning forward to take another sliver of cake. “I don’t like being behind. Makes me irritable.”
“Makes you an ass,” Billy corrected. “But that’s also what makes you such a good competitor. You never say die.”
“You can’t,” Tommy agreed, licking the frosting from his fork prongs. “Wyatts never quit, and we never give up.” He looked up, a dimple flashing in his cheek. “Even when we should.”
“So, what’s next?” Melvin asked her.
“I’m trying not to get anxious, but I do need to get back to work soon. I need to graduate on time. I need to start earning money—and to do that I need my degree, need work, need to become a licensed therapist.”
“We could use a therapist in the family,” Tommy said. “Billy could use a lot of help, someone to help him sort through his fear of relationships. Why does love scare him—”
“Alright, that’s enough,” Billy interrupted, no more laughter in his voice. “I’m not interested in being dissected—”
“You mean analyzed,” Tommy corrected.
“Same thing.” Billy pushed back from the table, and began collecting the dessert plates and coffee cups. “I’m making it an early night tonight,” he said. “Tomorrow I’m back on the road.”
*
Erika hadn’t thoughtshe’d see any more of Billy that night, but he knocked on her bedroom door after she and Beck had retired for the evening. She opened the door, pointed to the baby sleeping in the portable crib, and then stepped out of her room, closing the door behind her.
“You okay?” she asked.
His brow creased. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Tommy just seemed to take a dig or two at you.”
Billy shrugged. “That’s normal.”
“But it seemed to be a little too personal, especially when it came to you and relationships.”
“That I don’t do relationships?” His big shoulders shifted, and his flannel shirt, already half unbuttoned, fell open, exposing a lot of skin. And muscles. Impressive muscles. “It’s true. Not something I try to hide.”
She studied him intently, aware that there was more behind his breezy tone. “Maybe that’s why April didn’t reach out to you after she discovered she was pregnant. Maybe she knew you didn’t do relationships so the whole parenthood thing was a moot point.”
“If that was the case, she shouldn’t have assumed.”
“Maybe it was hard for her. She clearly had feelings for you—”
“No.”
“Yes. She spent a lot of time chasing you from rodeo to rodeo. She made a whole photo album about one of your special weekends. You don’t commemorate a one-night stand with a photo album. You forget a one-night stand. You put the man, and the memory, away. But she didn’t do that. She wanted to remember you. She… cherished you.”
“I made no promises to her. There were no commitments. Your cousin was an adult. A consenting adult who enjoyed sex. I enjoyed sex. We enjoyed sex together. Not sure why that gives you the right to subject me to your psychoanalysis babble.”
“Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it’s babble.”
“Just because I didn’t graduate with a plethora of college degrees doesn’t mean I’m a hick.”
“I never said that.”
“But you have formed strong opinions about me, and I’m not sure they’re all justified.”
“Everyone forms opinions. It’s human nature.”
“Want to know my opinion of you?”
She stiffened even as her gaze met his. “Not if you’re going to be unkind.”
“Why do you think I’d be unkind?”
“You’re not a fan of psychology.”
“I think you truly want to help people, and I respect that. But April wasn’t a saint, and she may have fantasized about a future with me, but that wasn’t ever going to happen. Did she keep Beck from me on purpose? I don’t know. Was she not sure Beck was mine? I don’t know that, either. All I know is that you’re here with him, and tomorrow I’ll take a DNA test, and soon we’ll have facts. Facts are what matter now. The rest of it… doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“I think you’re better at compartmentalizing than I am. It’s something I need to work on.”
“You seem to think you need a lot of work. I don’t see it.”
She looked away, averting her face. “We can always be better.”
“We can always torture ourselves about our weaknesses, too. That doesn’t interest me, though. I’d rather get stuff done than spend my life beating myself up.”
*
Billy studied herdelicate profile, her elegant features framed by a mass of golden hair. Erika did little to her appearance. He couldn’t even see any makeup, other than maybe a touch of mascara that she hadn’t yet taken off, and even without makeup, she was beautiful. Naturally pretty. In any other situation he’d be flirting with her, teasing her, testing her response to him, but this wasn’t a normal situation. He wasn’t going to take her to bed. For one, she was Beck’s guardian. For another, she was April’s cousin—which was a whole thing in and of itself.
He liked women. Enjoyed bedding them. But he didn’t just hook up with anyone. It had to make sense. He had rules. No married women. No engaged women. No women seeing someone seriously.
No chicks with kids.
No pretending he was looking for love.
No pretending there was a chance for a relationship.
He didn’t want a wife. He didn’t want children. He just wanted to be free and pursue his career. It was what he cared about, and what he wanted most.
But with Erika just an arm’s length away, he felt aware of her as a woman, a warm, achingly beautiful woman, as well as a woman who had no interest in him, and God help him, but that appealed. He loved challenges, responded to them, but this wasn’t a challenge he could accept. So he wouldn’t make a move, but that didn’t make her any less physically appealing.
If anything, it made her more so.
“After the DNA test tomorrow, I’m going to be heading on to Boise. I need to be there a few days early as one of my sponsors has a VIP party for me to attend Thursday night, and then a meet and greet at the local mall Friday at noon.”
Erika’s brow creased. “So what do we do while we wait for the test results? Stay in Bozeman? Follow you to Idaho?”
“You could come to Idaho, or you could head home and I’ll call you once we have the results.”
She looked uncertain. “You think I should drive all the way back to Southern California?”
“If you’re tired of being on the road. I like it. But I’m not the one traveling with a baby.” He spotted Tommy from the corner of his eye, coming up the stairs. He gave him a don’t-bother-us look, and Tommy continued on to the room they shared. “If the test says I’m Beck’s dad, I’ll come get him.”
“Before your next rodeo weekend?”
His gaze narrowed. “I don’t know if it’d be that soon. My schedule is pretty structured. I’d need to figure out logistics.”
“Kind of like me and my studies.”
She had a point and he shrugged. “Don’t go home then. Follow me to Boise. We’ll get you a motel room not far from the rodeo grounds. You and Beck can stay there while we sort out the rest.”
“And if he is your son? What will you do then?”
“Figure out how to manage a baby while living on the road.”
“You’re going to take him with you?” she asked incredulously. “From rodeo to rodeo?”
He heard her tone, but it didn’t bother him. The only thing that would bother him would be abandoning a child he’d made. And he wasn’t going to do that. But he also needed to compete. It was how he made money, and he could make amazing money, if he returned to the National Finals in Las Vegas next December, but to do that, he had to do well all year long. If he missed too many events, and failed to place in money at events, then he wouldn’t qualify. He couldn’t let that happen. “I’d probably have to hire a sitter. I’m sure I could find someone—”
“A stranger,” she interrupted.
“It’s a job. People do it all the time.”
“He needs to be with people he knows. He needs stability, security, consistency.”
“Then come with us. If I have to pay a sitter, I might as well pay you.”
Her jaw dropped. “Travel with you from rodeo to rodeo?”
“Lots of families do it. The rig is really a trailer, and it’s quite comfortable with a kitchen, bathroom, bedroom—”
“I’d never live in a trailer with you.”
“I could get you a motel room in each town. I wouldn’t put you somewhere too cheap. I’d want you and Beck safe.”
“While you’d stay in the rig, on your own,” she said.
He lifted a brow. “You want me to sleep in the motel with you every night instead?”
“No.”
“Then what? What are you objecting to?”
“Being on the road with an infant! Traveling from town to town for months on end.”
“That’s what I do, darlin’.”
“A rodeo cowboy.”
“That’s who I am.”
“Forever?”
“Certainly for as long as I can.”
“What about Beck?”
“What about him?”
“How are you going to manage it? Traveling, competing, taking care of a baby?”
“I can’t, not on my own. But with your help, I can make it work, and with my help, you can sock away some money and still earn your degree.”
When she said nothing, he added quietly, “We also don’t need to have this conversation until we have the test results back—”
“Everyone else in this family seems sure he’s yours.”
“Then once we have those results, you can leave him, and his bag, and his car seat with me, and you’ll be able to return to Riverside and your life there.”
Her head jerked up, her gaze locking with his. She looked worried, but something else. Scared. Sad.
Why sad?
And then he understood. She’d become attached to Beck. She didn’t want to just abandon Beck. He respected her for that. “You know, you aren’t responsible for him anymore. You have no legal obligation—”
“No legal obligation, but just a moral one. He’s a baby. He needs love. I’m not sure you know how to care for a baby—”
“Or give love?” he finished silkily.
He watched, fascinated, as pink washed through her cheeks.
“You obviously come from a close-knit family,” she stammered. “It’s clear you love your brothers, your mother, your grandfather, but you’ve had a lifetime to form that bond. You don’t have a bond with Beck yet, and babies require a lot of patience, tenderness, and self-sacrifice. I’d find it very hard to just leave Beck here and drive away and feel okay about it. I would worry about him all the time. I would worry that maybe,” she looked away, her voice cracking, “he’d be confused. I wouldn’t want him to miss me. Nor would I want him to ever think I just abandoned him.”
“Maybe we just slow down and take this step by step. First the test, and then the results. Let’s not think about anything beyond that. Just test. And then just the results. We can do that, can’t we?”
She nodded.
“Good.” He gave her a faint, wry smile. “So can I. Try to get some sleep. I think we both could use it tonight.”