Montana Cowboy Daddy by Jane Porter
Chapter Eight
Billy woke to the sound of soft fussing from Beck’s room, the morning cry that Billy had come to identify as hello, I’m awake. Billy looked at the time. It was almost five thirty. Still dark out. But Beck didn’t seem to mind that the world was sleeping, he was ready to get up. Granddad was the same. Always awake before dawn.
Billy left bed, left arm bent at the elbow and pressed to his side and went to Beck’s room. He flipped on the little night-light and leaned over the crib. Beck was staring up at him with bright blue eyes, and the moment he spotted Billy, he gurgled and smiled, his wide irresistible smile. Billy’s chest tightened, filled with love and a fierce, primitive desire to protect his baby from all dangers. He’d do anything for Beck, just as he’d do anything for his brothers.
Billy carefully scooped up Beck with his right arm, carrying him to the changing table to get a dry diaper on him. Beck kept his wiggling to a minimum, just kicking legs a little bit as Billy drew the pajamas back up and then zipped the zipper, keeping Beck snug.
Together, they headed toward the living room, passing Erika’s room. Her door was still closed. No light shone beneath the door. Billy hoped she was still sleeping as she tended to stay up late and wake early. She probably needed far more sleep than she was getting.
They continued on to the kitchen where Billy slid Beck into his high chair so that he could put on a pot of coffee and then, while that was brewing, he turned his focus to a bottle for Beck. Before giving his son the bottle, Billy turned on the heat, and then lit the gas in the fireplace in the living room, and then carried first the coffee to the living room, then Beck and the bottle.
Beck was impatient for the bottle and gurgled his displeasure that he was being kept waiting. “Patience, little man,” Billy said, easing into his recliner. “You’ll have your milk soon enough. Let me just have one sip of coffee, okay?”
Beck emptied his bottle in record time and Billy did his best to burp him, shifting the baby against his good shoulder and giving him firm pats on the back. Beck’s hand reached up into Billy’s hair, grabbing little tufts and giving them hard tugs.
Beck was a strong little thing and growing by the day. He’d filled out a lot—if that was possible, considering he was a little chunk of love to begin with. It crossed Billy’s mind that maybe he should head back to Paradise Valley, spend a weekend with Mom and Granddad, and give them a chance to know his son better. He’d love to show Erika around Marietta, too. It was a great Western town, filled with lots of historical buildings and some new great restaurants. And then there was Grey’s Saloon, his favorite place for a beer. Maybe Joe and Sophie could watch Beck for an hour or two while Billy took Erika to Grey’s. Did Erika even drink beer? He was fairly confident she didn’t play pool.
And then he stopped himself.
There was no reason to take Erika to Montana, no reason to show her around. They weren’t in a relationship, and she wasn’t going to be an integral part of his life much longer. She was Beck’s aunt, or second cousin, or something along those lines, but he didn’t know how much of a relationship Erika and Beck would have once she returned to California. Billy wasn’t the type to stay in touch with those outside his own family. He never did the chasing, either. If a girl wanted him, they came after him, not vice versa. He wouldn’t hunt Erika down, not even when his travel took him to Southern California. Why invite trouble? And Erika was trouble. She was beautiful, desirable, and not available.
She’d never be available.
She was Beck’s mother’s family and he wasn’t about to hurt family, and he did hurt women. He disappointed them constantly. So no, Erika wouldn’t go with him. Which made him wonder, when would she go?
Which made his gut cramp because Beck would miss her something awful. Beck loved her and was attached to her and his little face lit up every time she entered the room. When he hadn’t seen her for a while he got fussy and restless, clearly needing to be back in her arms.
Billy dreaded the day Beck had to get used to life without her. Beck would grieve. He’d cry. He’d miss her.
But eventually he’d forget. Eventually he’d move on. He didn’t have a choice. That was just how life worked.
*
Erika stretched, enjoyingsoft sheets and warmth of the bed. She’d had such a good night sleep. She slowly opened her eyes, relaxed, content, wondering what time it was. Sunlight peeked around the blinds in her room. The clock read seven thirty. Erika sat up, panicked.
Beck.
Billy.
Throwing the covers back, she scrambled out of bed, threw on a sweatshirt and raced from her room. Beck’s door was open and his crib empty. She headed toward the living room and heard Billy’s voice. He was talking to someone, probably on the phone. But, arriving in the living room, she discovered he wasn’t on the phone. He was having a very long, one-sided conversation with his son.
Her lips curved, and she smiled, pleased. It was about time Billy started having father-son conversations.
Billy looked up and spotted her. “How did you sleep?”
“So good,” she answered, going to the fireplace to warm herself. This past week the mornings had been really cold, even as the afternoons warmed up. “Have you two been up long?”
“Since five thirty.”
“Oh no. I didn’t hear him crying.”
“He wasn’t fussing too much. Just saying hello. He was ready to get up.”
“He’s an early bird.”
“Granddad always was. I never liked those early morning hours, especially when you had to go to the barn and do chores.” Billy nodded to the kitchen. “Coffee’s made, but you might want to put on a fresh pot. That’s been sitting for a couple hours.”
“As long as it’s hot, I’m good.” She headed to the kitchen, glanced out the window over the sink. Blue, blue sky and a golden sun. It was going to be a gorgeous day. She filled her cup, added a splash of cream and one artificial sugar before returning to the living room.
“Want me to take him?” she asked Billy, indicating Beck.
Billy glanced down at Beck who was starting to look sleepy. “Maybe in a minute. He’s comfortable right now.”
“He does look very relaxed,” she agreed, settling into the corner of the couch near Billy’s chair. “What’s your plan for the day?”
“Besides showering, dressing, and getting in your way?”
She smiled crookedly. “You’re not in my way. I’m probably in your way, keeping you from doing whatever it is you usually do when you’re here.”
“Nope. For one, I’m not here all that often, just a couple of times a month at the most. And when I am, I’m usually doing laundry and washing the truck and trailer and getting ready for my next road trip.”
“No local girls to keep you company?”
“This is a bachelor pad. No women invited.”
“Seriously?”
“You’re the first woman that’s been here.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
He gave her a long, unsmiling look. “I’m not a man whore, despite what you think of me—”
“I’ve never said that.”
“You didn’t have to. It’s implied in everything you say or do.”
“I don’t—”
“No, you do,” he interrupted firmly, but not unkindly. “Just because I haven’t fallen in love and settled down yet, doesn’t mean I view women as tissue—something to be used and discarded. I like women. I respect women. I’m not an asshole. I’m sorry I hurt April. I’m sorry she didn’t feel comfortable coming to me and telling me she was pregnant, because I wouldn’t have turned her away. I wouldn’t have told her it was her problem. I would have been a man and done the right thing.”
That was a long speech coming from Billy. Erika wasn’t sure she’d ever heard him put so many sentences together at one time. “I’m sorry if I offended you.”
“I’ve always taken my responsibilities seriously.”
She rubbed her thumb along the rim of the warm mug. “Would you have married her?”
His features hardened, expression grim. “If that’s what she’d wanted.”
“Even though you didn’t love her?”
“Love might have grown over time.” He shrugged, his right shoulder twisting. “And if not, hopefully friendship would have been there.”
Erika hated the idea of April and Billy married. It was wrong of her, but it made her jealous, and vaguely sick. “I didn’t expect that from you.”
He didn’t reply and she dropped her gaze back to her mug. “And I imagine, April didn’t, either,” Erika added unsteadily.
“She should have come to me. I had a right to know that I’d created a child. I understand she was carrying it, but that it took two to make Beck, and I should have been involved from the beginning.”
“I don’t know what she was thinking. I didn’t even know Beck existed. She’d kept his birth from me.”
“Who knew then?”
“Her mom, my aunt. I don’t think my aunt even told anyone else. She was ashamed that April was a single mom. It wasn’t okay, not in our family.”
“I thought her mom was hooking up with different guys.”
“She went back to the church a couple years ago. She’s more devout than even her parents were.”
“Nothing like a reformed sinner.”
Erika knew it. Her mom had begun to spend more time with her aunt Sara. She was even dating someone in the Fundamentalist church. “Sometimes very religious families are the least loving of all,” she said, rising from the couch and pacing to the set of French doors with the view of the valley and the distant rugged red rocks. “You’d think my mom and aunt would have compassion for April, but no, she’d chosen a heathen lifestyle.”
“I’m not a fan of formal religion for that very reason. I think there should be a lot more compassion and forgiveness. People need love. I didn’t attend a lot of church when I was a boy, but Granddad read the bible to us every night and we always said grace and prayers. Granddad said the most important thing we could do was treat people well and to love. Love God, love your family, love your neighbor.”
She turned and looked at him. “And your enemy?”
“Probably love your enemy most of all, but that’s not as easy.”
“Which is why it probably needs to be done.”
“Agreed.” He looked at her a long moment, expression serious. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Why?”
“You seem… sad. Upset.”
“Now who is the therapist?” she flashed, forcing a light smile. “Would you like breakfast? I’m ready to try fried eggs, if you want them.”
“I’d love a shower first.”
“I’ll take Beck, you shower, and then I’ll make breakfast.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
She crossed to him and reached down for Beck who’d just drifted off. As she leaned over to pick him up her gaze met Billy’s and held. They were just inches apart, so close she could feel his breath on her lips and see tiny silver bits in his blue irises. He was gorgeous from afar and heart stopping close. She wanted a kiss. Wanted his warmth. She saw the moment he registered her desire. His gaze darkened and smoldered. Her mouth dried and a shiver coursed through her. Why couldn’t she kiss him?
Why couldn’t she do what she’d been thinking about?
Her gaze dropped to his mouth. He had a perfect mouth, perfect lips.
“A kiss won’t be enough,” he said, his deep voice raspy, scratching across her senses as if she’d stroked sandpaper.
She looked back into his eyes. They glowed bright. “It would if it was a bad one,” she whispered.
“It won’t be bad. Nothing between us could ever be bad.”
And just like that, a frisson of excitement shot through her, making her dizzy and breathless. “You know just what a woman likes to hear,” she said, easing the baby from his arms, and taking several steps back.
Some of the fire faded from his eyes. “This isn’t about anyone else. This is about me and you.”
“But we can’t have a me and you, can we?” She struggled to keep her tone even, pleasant. “It’d be just sex.”
“Sex is wonderful.”
She focused on slipping Beck into his new reclining bouncy seat, and then strapped the little belt so he’d be secure. She adjusted the belt a little bit more to keep from meeting Billy’s eyes. “Sex makes cute little babies like this guy.”
“If we did it, we’d use protection.” Billy rose. “But we’re not going to do it. We can’t do it. It’d change everything, and that wouldn’t be fair to Beck, or you.”
She managed a jerky nod. “Thank you for keeping an eye on the big picture. I appreciate it.”
“You know I find you incredibly attractive—”
“Let’s not do this.” She gave him a bright, fierce smile, one with lots of teeth. “We both know what’s at stake, and we’ve both agreed it’d be a mistake. Now let me go sort out breakfast. And it might just have to be scrambled again today. I don’t think I can handle trying anything new.”
After making breakfast, eggs for both of them, Erika carried her plate into her bedroom and sat down on the bed to work and eat. For ten minutes, she struggled to focus on the screen but her mind was completely blank.
She felt angry. Embarrassed. Frustrated. Furious. That whole conversation had been miserable. Being told by Billy what they could, and couldn’t do, ticked her off.
He made it sound like he was the wise one, the one with discipline and maturity. If he was so mature, why did he only want sexual relationships? Why didn’t he want emotional connections? Why did he run away from anything that remotely resembled love?
If he was so wise, why was he attracted to her in the first place?
She wasn’t his type. She didn’t like cowboys. She hated the rodeo. She disagreed with most of the decisions he’d ever made in life. He was foolish and arrogant and stubborn and completely in denial when it came to his own mortality.
And yet she wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him tight. She wanted to press her face to his chest and breathe him in and let his warmth sink into her. And maybe some of his courage and bravado. As well as his humor. She loved his laughter, and the way he smiled, and that little groove next to his mouth that deepened when he was holding back a smile.
She was crazy about him.
Crazy, stupid.
Blinking back tears, she left the bed, and carried her plate back to the kitchen. Billy was there, at the sink, doing dishes with one arm.
“I was going to do those later,” she said.
“No biggie. It’s my turn.”
“I don’t mind—”
“You’re not a maid.” He turned the water off, and faced her. “I do need to get you some money, though. You’ve spent weeks taking care of Beck, weeks where you can’t work your other jobs.”
“I don’t want your money. He’s my cousin.”
“That was our deal.”
“There was no deal, Billy. Beck needed me and I wasn’t about to leave him, not until he’d formed a strong attachment to you.”
“Has he?” Billy asked, his gaze narrowed.
“Are you asking my personal opinion or my professional opinion?”
“Has he bonded enough with me for him to not suffer when you leave?”
She winced. “I can’t answer that.”
“Why not?”
“Because—” She broke off, swallowed hard. “In general, babies less than six months old adjust better to a loss of a primary adult than babies who are older. As long as Beck’s needs are met, he should ultimately thrive.”
“Why was that so hard to say?”
She shrugged uncomfortably. “It’ll be an adjustment though. Babies don’t understand the concept of time, so he might be upset by my absence. Initially.” She couldn’t stand this conversation. She didn’t even want to be in this house anymore. “I’m thinking of heading into town to go shopping. Need diapers, wipes, maybe a few outfits. Just something comfy for the day as he’s getting big.”
“We can go to Bryce.”
“Sam had mentioned I’d find basics there.” She hesitated. “But you don’t have to go. Beck and I can make the drive together.”
“You don’t know your way.”
“I have GPS on my phone.”
“I’ll drive you.”
“Billy.”
“Yes, Erika?”
She looked away, counted to ten. “Don’t you think we need some time apart?”
“I think what we need is fresh air. We have cabin fever. And I have just the remedy for that.”
She watched him turn the water back on and rinse the skillet he’d been washing earlier. “Where will we go?”
“You’ll see,” he answered, setting the skillet on the counter.
“How should I dress?”
“In clothes.” He grinned. “Unless you’d rather not?”
“Are you having fun?”
“I am.”
He was, too. She could hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes. He was in a good mood and enjoying teasing her. “I probably will wear clothes. It’s a bit brisk out there.”
“Alright then, since you’re determined to wear clothes, put on something comfortable, something with layers, and shoes you can walk in.”
Sounded like they’d be getting some exercise. Good. She needed it. “And Beck?”
“Layers for sure, but I’m not sure he’s ready to do much walking.”
“You haven’t bought him cowboy boots yet? I’m shocked.”
Billy’s lips quirked and his blue eyes crinkled at the corners. “Who said I haven’t bought him boots? Maybe you just haven’t seen them.”
They left the house twenty minutes later, with the baby carrier, a full diaper bag, and lots of formula.
Billy’s window was halfway down and the air blew through the truck, crisp and invigorating. Even as dazzling spring sunshine blinded them, Erika didn’t ask where they were going, content to let Billy drive, and he did, traveling the single lane highway through a narrow valley, next to a river that bordered pastures where herds of cattle and bison grazed. She leaned on her door, soaking up the scenery, thinking it was nice to be a passenger and just sit back and relax. Not that she could relax too long. After their drive, she had to get back to work. Needed to find a way to focus again.
The distant pink mountains grew more weathered and impressive as they approached. Gradually, the rugged pink stone turned into striking red rocks, reminding Erika of Thunder Mountain at Disneyland. The rock formations were stunning and she leaned out her window taking pictures of them, begging Billy to slow down so she could get yet another photo.
*
Billy was amusedby her enthusiasm. Over the years, he’d taken family and friends out to see Bryce, but his friends were unexpressive dudes who undoubtedly enjoyed the scenery but didn’t communicate this awe and wonder. He rather liked her awe and wonder and slowed to a crawl at her request so she could snap a photo of the massive red rock they were about to drive through.
“What are you going to do with all these photos?” he asked.
She caught her hair in her hand to keep it from blowing everywhere, and yet long golden tendrils still danced around her face, clinging to her lashes. “Look at them. Remember how beautiful it is.”
He shot her an appreciative glance. She was beautiful. A fresh, natural beauty. “Wait until you see Bryce Canyon. You’ll love it. We’re going to do an easy trail, nothing too demanding since you’ll have Beck and I have myself.”
She laughed, the sound bubbly and buoyant. “I’d rather carry Beck than you,” she said. “You’d be a smidge too heavy.”
He looked at her again, thinking she was glowing, her eyes—that unusual turquoise blue green—bright, her lips curved. She reminded him of a cowgirl. Strong, smart, full of heart. Erika had a country vibe, even if she didn’t know it.
She was everything he liked, everything he could want in a woman. Without wanting to, he’d developed feelings for her. She was on his mind more often than not lately. Unfortunately, what he wanted to do with her was more wicked than sweet. He wanted her and being alone with her in the house only made the desire stronger.
He liked her in his house, though, and didn’t want to think about the day she wouldn’t be there anymore.
She’d made his place cozy. Homey. And it had never been that before. It was a cabin. Practical. Rustic. Undemanding. It was always there when he needed it and nobody fussed when he left.
But it felt different with a baby and a woman in it. It was as if it had become a family home and it was strange and yet rather wonderful at the same time. He hadn’t thought he’d want, or need, a homey place, but he’d grown accustomed to having company. He liked waking up and finding Erika in the kitchen, or seeing her curled up in a chair, reading. He liked the way she’d look up at him and smile. He liked the sound of her voice and the way she sang even though she didn’t carry a tune, and somehow the fact that she liked to sing and hum, even though she wasn’t a talented singer, made him enjoy it even more. She wasn’t perfect, and she wasn’t pretending to be perfect. She was just herself, and that was what made her special. She was who she was, and in his mind, she was exactly right, and exactly who she was meant to be.
“How are you coming with your dissertation?” he asked, drawing his wallet from his back pocket and he approached the park entrance. “Getting all that writing down?”
She hesitated. “I guess.”
He flashed his annual park membership card at the park ranger and was waved in. “That doesn’t sound very convincing.”
“I’m making some progress. Maybe not quite as much as I’d hoped.”
“I can hire a sitter. Boom’s mom, Ellen, would love regular work.”
“That just doesn’t seem right.”
“What doesn’t seem right is you not completing something you’ve spent years working on.”
“I’m not giving up on it, but it doesn’t feel as important as everything else happening right now.”
He wasn’t that easily placated. “But it is important. It’s incredibly important. This is your degree, your career—”
“Yes,” she interrupted with a sigh. “It is. It’s very important. But let’s not think about it today. It just feels so good to be out. I am loving all this Utah scenery. It feels like we’re having an adventure—” She broke off and flashed him another one of her quick smiles that warmed her eyes and made her generous lips curve, revealing her small, straight white teeth.
He felt a tug in his chest, gratitude and something else, because when Erika smiled, she was radiant. There was no woman more beautiful than her.
“I love adventures,” she added. “Don’t you?”
He felt that tug in his chest again. It was such an inexplicable emotion. Not exactly good, but not exactly bad. Unsettling was more like it. “I like my adventures, too,” he said pulling into a parking lot that was half empty. Easter was late this year, practically the last week of April, and by then there would be more tourists, but it was still early in the season and they’d have most of the park trails to themselves. “That’s why I love being on the pro circuit. Every week, every rodeo is a new adventure.”
“I think your idea of an adventure and mine are very different.” She gave a little sniff, her nose in the air. “In my adventures, I don’t almost die.”
He laughed, because she made him laugh. He didn’t think he’d ever met a woman so opposite of him in every way, but their differences didn’t bother him. If anything, he liked it. He liked her, more than he should. Billy turned off the engine and faced her. “I have no death wish. I’m not riding bulls and broncs because I don’t have other choices. I’m doing it because I’m good at it. I like it, and I like that I can make a lot of money doing it.”
“I’ve heard you say that a couple of times, and I see what you’ve been able to do with your earnings, or whatever you call it in cowboy speak, but at some point, when is it enough? Can’t you invest what you’ve already earned and find something less dangerous to do?”
“I could, but I like what I do. I love what I do. And I know you don’t like it but you don’t have to. That’s okay. Being a cowboy is my thing.” He opened his door then, ready to get out and move, as well as move on from this topic. He knew how she felt about his career, but it was his career. She had her path. He had his. And sometimes the differences between them were charming, but other times, like now when they were discussing his passion, her opinion aggravated him. He was a man that went by the motto, live and let live. It was a good motto, one his grandfather had ascribed to, and it had seen Billy through some challenging situations.
Erika quickly checked Beck’s diaper—he was wet—so she did a fast diaper change on the passenger seat of the truck and then put on the baby carrier and strapped him in on her chest.
They set off on a dirt trail and moments later came to the edge of a cliff with the most stunning view of pink and crimson rock formations. The entire valley stretched before them, all chiseled pink and red, studded with magnificent pink rocks.
“Beautiful,” she whispered.
“Bryce Amphitheater,” he said, before pointing with his right arm to the unusual spire rock formations. “And those are hoodoos.”
“Hoodoos?” she repeated, and just saying the word made her smile.
“It is a great word, isn’t it? You should see the amphitheater at sunrise or sunset. That’s when you get all the photographers out, trying to capture the perfect shot.”
“Does it get crowded here?”
“Yes, but nothing like Zion, southwest of here. Zion draws a lot more people, which is why I avoid it, but one day you should see it.”
“I had no idea Utah was so beautiful.”
“There’s so much to see in this part of the state. Grand Staircase, Escalante, Capitol Reef, the little historic towns Fruita, and Torrey. I never have enough time to just explore, but that’s the plan for one of these days.”
“I’ve spent so much time on a university campus I sometimes forget there’s a big world out there just waiting to be discovered.”
“Feel like walking?”
“Absolutely.”
*
They’d walked downa slope for twenty minutes, passing gnarled trees and through walls and arches of stunning pink stone. Beck was so light he was easy to carry, and the fresh air and views, so stunning at every turn, made Erika feel as if she was walking in an enchanted wonderland. They paused midway down the mountain to soak it up and let Erika take some more photos.
But Erika wasn’t ready to start walking again. She’d been feeling guilty ever since they parked and it was time she got it off her chest. “I’m sorry if I sound so negative about your career. I don’t mean to be—” She broke off, drew a breath, and tried again. “It’s none of my business, what you do, but I just… care… about you. I care about you a lot, and I’d hate for anything to happen to you. You’re such a good person, a really wonderful person, I just want you to stay safe, and be here fifty years from now.”
Billy didn’t immediately answer. “I don’t know who I would be without the rodeo. It’s who I am. It’s what defines me.”
“That’s not really true, you know,” Erika said quietly, giving Beck’s back a little rub through the soft fabric of the navy carrier. “You would still be you. Smart, funny, kind, courageous, Billy Wyatt.”
He said nothing. She could see he was troubled.
“If I’d met you apart from the rodeo,” she added, “and I just met you and I knew nothing about your fame or success, I’d think you were intriguing. The rodeo doesn’t make you interesting, you make the rodeo interesting.”
He glanced down at her, expression shuttered. “That’s nice of you.”
“I’m being sincere. You’re special, Billy.” She swallowed hard, her face warm. Had she said too much? She probably had, but she still couldn’t stop talking. More words tumbled from her mouth. “You don’t have to say anything. I just needed you to know I’m sorry for criticizing. I shouldn’t be negative. I’ll just say, please be careful, Billy Wyatt, because you mean a lot to a lot of people.”
For a moment, silence stretched, a long humming silence filled with things they avoided saying. He finally broke the silence. “Does that include you?”
Her cheeks grew warmer. Her voice dropped lower. “Yes.”
“You’d miss me if I wasn’t around?”
Her eyes stung. An uncomfortable lump filled her throat. “I think it’d break my heart.”
He reached out, lightly stroked her cheek with the pad of his thumb. “Don’t want to do that.”