Madness of the Horde by Zoey Draven

Chapter Thirty-Two

“You have been good to me,” Lokkaru said, her voice soft and sure as we walked around the encampment. She was holding onto my arm for balance and she patted my skin. “I have enjoyed our time together.”

“I feel the same,” I said softly. Sometimes Lokkaru had perfect clarity, like now. Other times, she spoke in Dakkari to me, expecting me to answer, or called me by a name not my own.

Dakkari children raced across our paths, chasing one another. They briefly glanced at me, giggling, before they sped away on their bare feet and a soft, longing smile crossed my features before I could help.

Then it faded because I knew that wishing for children was not something that I could afford.

Still, I should have been happy that they no longer stared at me like I was some monster. I had been at the horde for over a week now and the shock of my appearance seemed to have worn off. I walked in the encampment almost every day with Lokkaru, who always said fresh air had healing power.

And in that time, I’d met many Dakkari, though some could not speak the universal tongue. All of the horde members adored Lokkaru and were happy to speak with her. By extension, they spoke to me as well, if they spoke my language, though I liked to think I understood a little more Dakkari every day.

I thought…I thought I could be happy here. I got lost in a daydream that my entire family was here, that they had their own little voliki, and that we were safe and happy and together. I dreamed that Maman would work with the cooks because she’d always loved food and always tried to make our meager rations as tasty as possible for us growing up. I dreamed that Maxen would train with the darukkar and that Eli would love to work with the pyroki.

And Viola…I dreamed that she would fall in love with a Dakkari male, a good male, one who would protect her and worship her and make her happy again. Because she was a shell, a shadowed shell of a person now, all the light gone, taken from her with violence and cruelty. I wanted to see it returned.

As for me…I dreamed that I woke every morning in a certain horde king’s arms because who else could keep the shadows away for him? I could speak to the shadows, after all.

“What is wrong?” Lokkaru asked me now, breaking me from my thoughts.

Tears had pooled in my vision without my realizing it and I dashed them away, embarrassed.

“Nothing,” I told her, patting her hand on my arm as we weaved through the maze of voliki.

“Tell me.”

“I…I just miss my family. So much it hurts sometimes,” I said to her.

“I see,” she murmured softly. “Where are they?”

I sobered. “Far away.”

“Dead?” she asked, her question leaving me shaken.

“N-no,” I said quickly. “No.”

The Ghertun have them…but I am going to get them back, I added to myself.

Suddenly, I drew up short when I saw a flash of grey skin among another group of laughing children. My lips parted when I saw a young Killup, running and playing with them.

“There are Killup among the horde?” I asked softly, in wonderment. “But I haven’t seen any.”

“Bissa?” Lokkaru asked, following my gaze. “Nik, only him. The Vorakkar found him. He had only been days old at the time.”

“The Vorakkar found him?”

“Lysi,” Lokkaru told me and I wondered if she should have told me the Killup’s given name or not. She had a habit of doing that. Giving me names of Dakkari I knew were not mine to know. “The Vorakkar used to wander. Almost every night, into the wild lands. Not so much anymore.”

My heart ached, just thinking about him wandering. Alone. Because I knew what he’d been looking for. Or what he’d been trying to escape.

Devina’s face flashed into my mind, her lips forming the words I heard floating through my ears.

Help him.

I squeezed my eyes shut briefly, my heartbeat stuttering in my chest.

“He found Bissa one night. Abandoned. Near here actually. We were in the eastlands then. He brought him back and a Dakkari couple, who had been unable to have children of their own, wanted him. They’ve raised him.”

I watched the young boy, watched as the gills on his neck flared with his happiness as the children chased one another.

“If the Vorakkar hadn’t found him, he would be dead,” Lokkaru said, her voice somber. “What a tragedy that would have been. Many outside the horde think our Vorakkar is cruel. That he deals with demons and is not fit to lead. But I disagree. I think he is the best Vorakkar of them all. The strongest. They just do not understand him.”

Warmth bloomed in my chest, which helped banish some of the lingering anguish I still felt whenever I thought of Devina. It had been two nights since I’d dreamed of her. After I’d woken and I’d latched onto Davik, needing him, I hadn’t slept. Even today, I felt the lingering exhaustion pulling at the edges of my mind.

“You understand him though,” Lokkaru said quietly and when I turned my gaze on her, I found her eyes on me, staring deep. “Don’t you?”

“I do,” I whispered. And I knew what she spoke was the truth. Softly, I admitted, “He terrified me when I first met him. Sometimes he still does but in a different way. But I know that he is good.”

Lokkaru nodded, seeming satisfied with whatever she found in my words.

I realized she was steady today, that she was alert. And as we resumed making our loop around the encampment, as our feet crunched over the earth and the rich fragrance of the soil drifted up to meet us, I realized that I could not pass up this opportunity.

My daydream might be foolish and an impossibility, but if I didn’t find that heartstone—no matter how much I hated to think of it—I knew that my family and I had no future anywhere.

The key to finding it was buried somewhere in Lokkaru’s mind. If only I could find it.

“I miss my mother,” I told her. “And my father. My mother loved him dearly and he adored her. Growing up, I always wanted a love like that. I didn’t think I’d settle for anything less.”

I glanced over at her with a small, sad smile.

“Did your parents love each other?” I tried.

“Oh lysi,” Lokkaru whispered and I swallowed, keeping my breathing steady. “Very much. I never knew my father but my lomma loved him. I could tell from her words. How she spoke about him. I wish I’d known him. Sometimes he visits me, though he cannot speak.”

Chills raced down my arms. “How do you see him?”

“In dreams, like always,” she said, smiling at me like we shared a secret.

“And what does he do if he doesn’t speak to you?” I asked.

“He looks at me,” she said. “And he strokes my cheek. I have his eyes. One day soon, I will be able to speak with him, to say all the things I wish I could.”

Her words made my chest ache.

“My father doesn’t visit me in my dreams,” I said. “I wish he did. Usually, I don’t dream of anything. Nothing at all, just darkness.”

Lokkaru let out a long sigh.

“Does your mother ever visit you?” I asked. “In your dreams?”

“Not for a long time,” Lokkaru said. She frowned, growing agitated and I felt my belly sink, knowing I didn’t have much time left. Her brow furrowed. “Though I cannot remember if she actually ever did.”

“What did she look like?” I asked quickly. “Maybe if you describe her, you can remember her more clearly.”

“She…she had dark hair and blue eyes. Like the heartstone’s eye.”

My breath left me.

“Nik,” she said, shaking her head. “She had red eyes. I—I don’t know why I thought they were blue.”

“You…” I licked my lips. “What about the heartstone?”

“Neffar?” she asked, looking at me. I realized I’d stopped walking, had turned towards her.

“You said something about a heartstone. Blue like the heartstone’s eye. What did you mean?”

“Nik, I did not say that,” she said, frowning, shaking her head.

My shoulders sagged, though my heart was still throbbing in my chest. But it was progress, wasn’t it? She’d actually mentioned something about the heartstone.

Blue like the heartstone’s eye?

I was disappointed. Yet, the selfish part of me was also relieved. I wanted to live this life, just a little while longer. I didn’t want it all to disappear just yet. And I knew that once we had a lead on the heartstone’s location, it would all disappear. He would disappear, like he’d never been.

“What would you like to do today?” I asked her quietly instead, trying to shake off the moment. I knew if I pressed too hard, her mind would scatter completely. “It’s a beautiful day. It’s growing warmer.”

“Then let us spend it outside. Fresh air heals, you know.”

I smiled. “I know.”

Just then I caught a glimpse of Davik and my breath hitched.

He was walking with his pujerak, their heads bent as they discussed something. I watched as the group of children—the one Bissa was running with—rounded the corner of a voliki sharply, one of them crashing into Davik’s strong legs.

The child fell but didn’t make a sound as he stared up at the Vorakkar in shock, his golden eyes wide.

Davik frowned down at the boy but his expression softened, ever so slightly. I watched as he crouched down in front of the Dakkari boy, as the other children in their group were hiding around another voliki, Bissa included, craning their necks around the corner to see what was happening.

I couldn’t hear what they said but Davik spoke to the child and he nodded. Davik gripped the child’s hand and pulled him up, turning him this way and that way, inspecting him for injury no doubt, before sending him on his way with a ruffle on his small head.

Sudden longing went through me. I remembered my dream, the dream Devina had wanted me to see. Of Devina wanting a good female for her brother. And right then, I wanted to be that female. I wanted him to be mine and the sudden ferocity of that thought frightened me because I didn’t know where it had come from.

Davik’s gaze flickered across the clearing and he saw me standing with Lokkaru. He stared, those familiar red eyes, the ones I’d woken up to, burning into me. He’d been busy last night with his pujerak. We hadn’t spoken since two nights ago—or rather, since the early hours of that morning when he’d moved inside me and made me shatter into a million pieces. It had, perhaps, been the best night of my life…except the dream had come afterwards.

I knew that he wanted to talk about that dream. And we would, I knew.

But right now, he merely stared, his expression softening even further, though I didn’t think he realized it.

I did.

And I wondered if this was how my mother felt when she’d begun to fall in love with my father. This terrible feeling of panic and warmth and turmoil and wonderfulness.

Just that thought, just knowing what was happening, made it all the more terrible. Because I could never have him. My daydream was just that…a dream. There was no future for us and I was a fool to think otherwise.

It was suddenly very warm and the longer Davik looked at me, the hotter I became.

When I took off the furs around my shoulders, revealing just my thin tunic underneath, I looked at Lokkaru and said, “Let’s go find some shade or I’ll burn up.”

We started forward but I felt Davik’s eyes on me, even as he and his pujerak resumed their strides, continuing on to wherever they’d been heading.

Lokkaru began to laugh.

“What is it?” I asked.

She looked at me. “He is the best of them, isn’t he?”

I knew she meant Davik.

I looked down where her hand rested against my now bare arm, my fur shawl draped across my other arm as we walked on.

“He is,” I whispered. “I—”

My blood went cold. Because underneath where Lokkaru had placed her hand, I saw something that hadn’t been there this morning—though I couldn’t remember if I’d checked.

Small black veins had begun to spread along the underside of my forearm, beginning at my wrist.

Dread curled in my belly because I knew what it meant.

The Ghertun’s poison had begun to thicken in my blood.

I was running out of time.