The Lion Soul by Amy Sumida

Chapter Twelve

Kaelen barely looked at me on the way back to his tent. He'd defended me so vehemently, but now he seemed distant. I couldn't decide if he was anxious about getting me into Varalorre or if my Shirie form had disgusted him.

Despite his assurances, I had never felt so rejected. Growing up, my parents had sternly but lovingly encouraged me. When I trained to be a warrior, my teachers were rigid, but fair. I was never ridiculed, not even by other children, and all my love affairs had ended amicably. In short, rejection was a new feeling for me. It made me wonder how monstrous my Shirie form was. I'd seen a glimpse of it in the mirror and had seen enough drawings to have a good idea of what I looked like. I would have a lion's mane and body, the body perhaps a bit thicker than Kaelen's, and a pair of horns like those found on a bull or an ox—wide, white, and slightly curved. My fur would be tawny and the scales spotting my face would be golden. I should have fangs as well and a face a tad more elongated than a lion's. All in all, I didn't think it was so awful. But then, I had grown up staring at drawings of Shiries and reading about them. Kaelen hadn't. For him, the differences between us were marks of a monster, not a noble guardian. He may have chosen me, but he didn't accept me. Not all of me.

I followed Kaelen into his tent while his guards took up positions outside, a couple of them casting wary looks in my direction. I lifted my chin and settled a blank expression on my face. Master Kushara had warned me that an unschooled expression was something people could use against you. These people weren't my enemies, but they could still hurt me if I let them. The worst part was that I was back to feeling alone. I had, for a brief moment, thought I could make a new clan with Kaelen—a new life. But now, my race, however partial it was, was standing between us. Not that I blamed Kaelen. The Farungal had done terrible things to his people, and I was supposed to help him stop them, not become one of them.

When Kaelen strode into his bedroom, I didn't follow. I wanted to return to the beach and have a few moments alone, but I had a feeling that he wouldn't have agreed to that. I did have to use the bathroom, though, so I called out that I was going to the latrine—the one feature his bathing room lacked—and left.

“Where are you going?” a knight standing guard at the tent flap asked.

“Latrine,” I muttered and kept walking.

There was some rapid discussion behind me, talk about whether one of them should escort me, so I sped up. Couldn't I even use the toilet alone? By the time I reached the line of communal latrines at the edge of camp, I was angry in addition to hurt. I felt like a pawn in a game between gods, paying the price for their machinations.

I went in, conducted my business, and stepped out to find Kaelen there, waiting for me. I grunted in annoyance and strode past him.

“Rie.” He hurried up beside me.

I grunted again.

“Hey!” He grabbed my arm. “What's going on with you?”

I gave him an astonished look.

“All right, yes, obviously you've had a rough morning,” he muttered. We resumed walking, and he remained silent until we were back in his tent. Then he asked, “Are you upset with me?”

“Are you disgusted by me?” I shot back.

“What?”

“My Shirie form—does it disgust you?”

Kaelen let out a long sigh. “No, it doesn't disgust me. It shocked me. I just need some time to get used to it.”

I grunted.

“Sweet mother, will you use some fucking words?!” he growled. “This isn't the time for brevity.”

“You want words?” I spun to look at him. “How about rejection and humiliation? Or there's anger and pain. Alone—how's that word work for you?”

“I have neither rejected nor humiliated you,” Kaelen said firmly. “If you're angry and in pain, I'd like to talk about it because I don't want you feeling either of those things. But as far as being alone; that is simply not true. You are not alone, Rie. I am with you. I told you that I would choose you every time. So why do you think you're alone?”

I deflated. “I am not one of you and now, I never will be. I had started to think that I might have a new clan but then it was taken from me. You were taken from me.”

“I—”

“No, don't deny it. Even if my Shirie form doesn't disgust you, the fact that I am part Farungal does. Could you honestly lay with me knowing what I am?”

“You are not a Farungal, Rie,” Kaelen said with a growl. “You were born human and changed through magic. If anything, you are partially what they once were, but you are nothing like what they are.”

“I don't understand. What do you mean, 'what they once were?'”

“You heard Ry'zaran say that he had fathered the Farungal with our goddess, right?”

I nodded.

“The story is that the Farungal were once as beautiful as he is, with great wings and strong features. But a Farungal man fell in love with a Sidhe woman who didn't return his feelings. He resorted to death magic to win her. After that, Farungals took to using death magic more frequently, especially to seduce faeries. Their actions became so heinous that our Goddess finally stepped in and punished them all, taking their wings and elemental magic. That is why they are hideous, poisonous monsters; it is their punishment.”

“She punished them all for the actions of a few?”

“I believe it was more than a few, but yes.”

“So, the reason I don't look monstrous in this body isn't that my Farungal half only emerges when I shift, it's that the main difference between them and the Sidhe, originally, is wings?”

Kaelen thought this over, then nodded. “Yes, I suppose so. I didn't consider that.”

“It's a shame I didn't get the wings,” I murmured.

“I imagine they'd be unwieldy,” he said with a hesitant smile. “How would you sleep?”

I made a soft sound of mirth. “Yes, maybe you're right.”

“I'm so sorry if I made you feel rejected and alone.” Kaelen held out a hand to me.

I looked at it a second before I took it. Kaelen used that grip to draw me closer and then slid his arms around me. My gaze went to his lips, so full and soft, begging to be kissed. He wet them with the tip of his tongue, and I couldn't stop myself from lifting my face to his. His breath brushed my lips just as someone cleared their throat. I smoothly broke away from Kaelen and moved to the side, resting a hand on my top sword.

“Sorry to disturb you, my lords,” one of Kaelen's knights said. “But General Layshar is here to go over your instructions before we leave for Varalorre.”

“Thank you, Roga, send him in,” Kaelen said. Once the knight was gone, he said to me, “I'm sorry, this won't take long.”

I nodded without looking at him. Because if I looked, I might forget all propriety and drag him back into our kiss.

The General, a fae man with dark hair held back in a knot, came in and joined Kaelen and me at the table. I listened idly as they talked about how long we'd likely be gone and what to do in certain circumstances. At last, the man left, and seconds after he was gone, Kaelen stood up and went into the bedroom.

I hesitated. Was he going there to ensure our privacy or did he want more than a kiss? I had regretted not sleeping with him earlier, but now I was back to feeling cautious. I wasn't sure if I should start a sexual relationship with Kaelen when our future was so uncertain. In the end, lust won out, and I decided to risk the bedroom.

I got one foot into the room before I was grabbed roughly and pulled against a hard chest. Kaelen's lips met mine, soft and sweet, but moving with military determination. I opened to him, and his tongue slipped through to stab at mine, demanding a response. Groaning deep in my chest, I pressed closer, my arms sliding around his back to clutch at him desperately. Desire hardened us, the evidence taunting me. I had the urge to grind myself against him, but that would take it too far. If I wanted to go slowly with him, I couldn't touch him like that; it wouldn't be fair to either of us.

Thankfully, Kae pulled away first, cupping my face in his hands to stare at me. “Even if you can't make it through the mist, you're still my valorian; it changes nothing.”

“What if I can't use magic?”

Kaelen dropped his hands, his expression falling as well.

“That didn't occur to you,” I murmured and stepped back.

“No, it didn't. But the Goddess removed the Farungals' magic to punish them, and we've already determined that you've taken on their original traits. I think you'll be fine, both to cross the barrier and to use magic.”

“Why do you think I'll be okay to cross the barrier?”

“Although the mist only allows animals and faeries through, it doesn't seem to discriminate on the percentage of fae that someone is. Human women who were pregnant with half-fae children have made it through the mists. If they can get through, so can you.”

“We'll find out soon enough.”