The Lion Soul by Amy Sumida

Chapter Twenty-Seven

“What's he doing?” Kirran whispered.

We'd been back at Kaelen's palace for a little over an hour. During that time, Kaelen had alternately raged, apologized, and sat in morose silence. I finally went into the garden to meditate. That's what I was doing—sitting cross-legged on the cool tile in an alcove formed by the lush greenery. My eyes were closed, focused inward on nothing. Sometimes I meditated to work out a problem, holding it in my mind, then releasing it, but that night, I just needed some peace. Some oblivion.

I'd been so happy with Kaelen's family until his father had scented my wrongness. My future with Kae had seemed certain with their support, and they seemed so loving. I had started to hope. My parents were in their sixties now, but they were healthy and active and would likely live for many more years. My sister had a family of her own, with two little girls. I'd never see any of them ever again, but Kaelen's family had eased that ache. Until they made it worse.

I couldn't rage like Kaelen. If I did, I'd destroy his home, especially with my newly increased strength. Instead, I channeled my pain into peace. I closed my eyes and let it melt away, let it drift into the clouds inside my mind. Everything is transitory, even if you're immortal. Perhaps especially then. Pain fades. Hearts heal. Life moves on. It flows like a river and when you come to a length of rapids, you merely have to keep afloat. Keep your head above water and your eyes on the horizon. You will pass through it and life will smooth out again.

Sorrow is caused by attachment. That isn't to say there's anything wrong with sorrow. It should be felt and people should become attached to each other. But clinging to someone or something that is pushing you away will only drown you. I had to hold onto the one who would see me safely through the rough times and let go of anything that would pull me under. But I didn't want to drown Kaelen either. I couldn't cling to him right now. I had to let him find a way to hold onto all of us, or I'd just drag him down.

So, there I was, clearing my mind, trying to let go so Kaelen could hold on. And his fucking brother was ruining my calm.

I sighed, stretched my neck, and opened my eyes. “I am meditating.”

“What's that?” Kirran asked.

“Sitting quietly and focusing on nothing,” Kaelen explained.

“Why would you do that?” His brother looked baffled.

“It gives me clarity and calm,” I said as I stood. “Unless someone interrupts me.” I gave him a theatrically annoyed expression.

Kirran chuckled. “I'm glad you can still crack a joke.”

“Was I joking?” I laid a hand on my sword hilt.

Kirran's eyes went round, and Kaelen burst out laughing.

“You two are perfect for each other,” Kirran snorted.

Kaelen went quiet.

“Hey, Mom is just supporting Dad,” Kirran said as he clasped Kaelen's shoulder. “She doesn't believe all that shit about disease.”

Kaelen grunted, turned around, and went into the sitting room.

“Does that meditating stuff really work?” Kirran asked as we followed Kaelen.

“I wouldn't bother to do it if it didn't.”

“Maybe you should teach it to my brother.”

“I heard that,” Kaelen growled. He was at a sideboard, pouring himself a drink.

“Yes, thank you, I'd love a drink,” Kirran said brightly, even though Kaelen hadn't made the offer.

I hid my grin as I settled onto a couch near the fireplace. Kaelen poured two more drinks with a grimace directed at his brother. Kirran collected them and handed one to me before sitting down in an armchair. Kaelen headed for me with his own drink, flicking a finger at the fireplace as he passed it. The pile of wood waiting there caught fire. I gaped at the flames as he sat down beside me.

Kaelen noted my amazement and his expression lightened a little. “You'll learn to do that soon enough.”

“Have you been to the Academy yet?” Kirran asked me.

“Just for a moment, when we dropped off the scholars.”

Kirran frowned and looked at Kaelen for an explanation.

“We had a couple of scholars visiting the Lion Camp; they returned with us,” Kaelen said.

“Why were they visiting?”

“Are we really going to have small talk, Kirran?” Kaelen growled.

Kirran sighed. “Kae, it's just Dad; the rest of us are with you. Give him some time, when he sees that Rieyu isn't infecting the city with Farungal goo, he'll let it go and apologize. You know how he is; he's paranoid when it comes to his family.”

“Rieyu is part of his family now too,” Kaelen said firmly. “He's got a piece of my soul inside him, Kirran. He's descended from our line.”

“Yes, but it's not the same,” Kirran said gently. “If it was, you wouldn't be lovers.”

I made a sound of agreement.

Kaelen grimaced at me.

“He has a point,” I said. “And I think you should listen to him.”

“Fuck, Rie, do you have to be so fucking reasonable about this?” Kaelen growled.

“You want me to shout and throw things as you do?” I asked, then sipped my drink.

Kirran snickered.

“Yes,” Kaelen said with a glare at his brother. “Show me some kind of reaction. Does this not bother you at all?”

“Not bother me?” I whispered.

“Oh, shit,” Kirran murmured, his eyes going wide. “I think that meditating thing is wearing off.”

“I defied an order and disgraced my clan to save your life,” I said in a tight tone. “I have lost my home, my family, and my humanity to become what you need me to be. Then you bring me here and offer me a new family, only for your father to denounce me as the carrier of evil. Do you think I was alone on Nazaka? Do you think I don't have parents or a sibling? My parents both live and my sister has two little girls who I adore. I will never see them again. Never be a part of their lives. I am dishonored, so I am dead to them. All because I wanted you to live. Am I bothered? No, I'm not bothered by it. I'm fucking devastated!” I stood up and threw my glass into the fireplace. The liquor caught, flaming up as the glass shattered. “Is that what you want to hear? Does that help you, Kaelen?”

Kaelen stood up and pulled me into his arms. “Yes. Yes, it helps, Rie. Thank you.”

I let out a deep sigh and hugged him back.

“I'm so sorry about your family,” he said as he eased away from me. “You're right, I didn't know about them, but only because you didn't tell me.”

Kirran cleared his throat.

“Can't you give us one fucking moment?” Kaelen growled.

Kirran snorted. “Sorry, I just wanted to remind you I was here before you started making out on the coffee table or something.”

Kaelen made a point of kissing me before going to the sideboard to pour me another drink. I sat down, my body going limp from the release of my fury. Maybe raging wasn't such a bad thing after all.

“Here.” Kaelen handed me a new drink before he sat down. “Feel better now?”

“A little,” I admitted.

Kaelen grinned. “A little meditation and a little temper tantrum can do wonders.”

“Fucking perfect for each other.” Kirran rolled his eyes.

“Is Soril all right?” I asked him. “He must be confused.”

“No, he's fine. That story about having to leave early worked. He's sad that you had to go, though.” Kirran grinned. “He likes you.”

I made a soft sound of pleasure.

“You say a lot without saying anything, don't you?” Kirran asked, but he made it more of a statement.

“He's more of a man of action,” Kaelen said with a soft smile my way.

“Well, your actions and words sure made an impression tonight,” Kirran said. “Our father doesn't usually feel bad about taking a stand. When he sets his foot down, he's confident and doesn't budge until you prove him wrong. But the way you handled yourself tonight, never raising your voice or challenging him even while he insulted you, left an impression, Rieyu. He's feeling guilty.”

“Good,” Kaelen snarled.

“That was not my intent,” I said. “I was just trying to stop your family from tearing itself apart.”

“I know that.” Kirran leaned forward to level a heavy look on me. “And he does too. You were kind and honorable all while he spouted nonsense about you being infected by evil. Honestly, it made him look a bit foolish.”

“Because he was being foolish,” Kaelen said. Then he shook his head sadly. “I never thought he'd treat someone like that, Kirran, much less someone important to me. I'm beyond hurt; I feel like I don't know him at all.”

“He's the same man,” Kirran said gently. “You know how overprotective he is. He just happened to be wrong this time.”

“I expected this from the Queen,” Kaelen whispered. “I was prepared to argue with her, even give up my position, but Dad? I wasn't prepared for him.”

“Give up your position?” I asked. “Are you saying that you would have resigned as warlord if she had rejected me?”

“Yes, and I would have taken you back to Stalana to one of the other camps, where we could have helped end the war, regardless of our status.”

“That was a quick answer,” Kirran noted.

“As I said, I was prepared,” Kaelen muttered.

“I'm so sorry about your father, Kae.” I took his hand, startling him.

He looked at our clasped hands, then at me, and smiled. “Thank you.” Then he sighed deeply. “I've had one argument with my father while you have lost your entire family. I'm the one who should be apologizing.”

“I didn't say that to make you feel guilty.”

The truth was, I felt guilty for venting. Kaelen hadn't forced me to save him or forced me to take his soul. Those were my choices and yet, I had laid the blame for the pain they'd brought me at his feet. What hurt the most was to see his pain, to watch him change from the coaxing, carefree lover into this wounded man. I suppose I should have said that, but I couldn't, especially not in front of his brother. I just stared at him, held his hand, and hoped that he understood.

Kirran cleared his throat again. “I should probably get back to Neva and Soril. I just wanted to come by and make sure you two were all right. And, uh, one more thing.” He hesitated when we turned to look at him. “The rest of us may not have noticed, but if Dad thought to take a deep sniff of Rieyu, someone else might too. If you're not ready for the entire Lion Kingdom to know about this other side of him, you two need to be careful.”

“Shit,” Kaelen hissed. “I didn't think about that. Thanks, Kirran.”

“Of course.” He stood up.

Kaelen and I got to our feet too, Kae stepping forward to hug his brother.

“I love you, Kae,” Kirran said. “No matter what.”

“I love you too.”

“Rieyu, come here, Brother.” Kirran grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into a hug. “I'm sorry that I hesitated earlier. I don't think you're tainted, and you're welcome around my son whenever you'd like to see him. I want him to have good men to emulate, and he'd be very fortunate to have you.”

“Thank you,” I murmured, a little overwhelmed. The loss of earlier lessened significantly.

“I'm going to walk him out,” Kaelen said. He kissed my cheek and left with his brother.

I watched them walk away, so alike in many ways, and felt that peace I'd been trying to attain finally settle inside me.