End of the Line by Nicky James

TWENTY-TWO

Killian

My phone rang as I was midway through typing a message to Dodger. I hit connect.

“Hey. I thought you couldn’t talk.”

“Sorry about that. I can now. What’s up, man? You said some shit happened? Why are you still in Calgary?”

I groaned and slumped against the tree at my back, tipping my head to the sky and closing my eyes. The scent of rotting leaves and earth surrounded me. “Where do I start? Remember how we talked about calling the hotline to see if we could get information about that Barrett guy Leo stabbed?”

“Yeah. Did you call?”

“I did. Biggest mistake ever. They traced it and followed us to Calgary. When we got off, they were waiting. Leo was sick as a dog. Caught the flu or something overnight on the train. I sent Ty and Willow to get him some medicine at the drug store—good thing too. I wasn’t paying attention. I was worried about him. Leo and I were on the road, heading for the closest motel so he could rest, and the next thing I know, we’re surrounded by cop cars, and they’re cuffing me and reading me my rights.”

“Oh shit! What happened to Leo?”

“They took him away by ambulance. I don’t know much. The Barrett guy didn’t die. Leo wasn’t charged, and his dad paid me a visit at the jail. He said—”

A rustling in the bushes a few dozen feet away made me clamp my mouth shut. My whole body went rigid. My makeshift camp wasn’t inside CP Rail property, but I was still trespassing on someone’s land. The city’s, probably.

“Said what? Killer? Did I lose you? Hello?”

“Hang on,” I whispered. “Someone’s nearby.”

“You’re not in the yard, are you?”

“Of course not. I’m not an idiot. Now stop talking for a second.”

The rustling continued. Someone was walking toward me, and they weren’t being quiet about it.

“Are you where you said you were when I asked earlier?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Then don’t worry. I sent a friend your way.”

My shoulders came down from my ears. “Well, tell me next time. I was about to freak out.”

“Is he there yet?”

I peered in the direction of the sound. Someone dressed in black was approaching. They were carrying a pack. It must have been a rider friend who was planning to catch out. “Yeah, he’s—Oh my god!” I scrambled to my feet as Leo came into view, a beautiful, beaming smile on his face.

Dodger chuckled. “Take care, Killer. Your boyfriend kicks ass and takes names. Don’t let him go. He’s a keeper.”

I hung up without saying goodbye, too stunned by the sudden appearance of the one person I’d been waiting for but was certain I’d never see again.

Shock held me rooted in place right up until Leo broke into a run, dumping his ruck on the ground and diving into my arms. We collapsed in a heap, and the dam wall I’d been working so hard to keep up let go. I came apart, sobbing into the crook of his neck and holding him as tight as I could.

When I was able to find control again, I lifted my head and cradled his face between my hands. “You’re here. You’re really here.”

“I am.”

“Oh, wow. Look at your eyes. You made them all smoky hot again.”

His grin widened. “You like it?”

“I love it.”

Leo caught his lower lip in his teeth. “I have something else to show you.” He rolled his sleeve up, presenting his wrist. It was wrapped in clear plastic, but it was what was underneath that made me gasp.

My eyes blew wide, and I grabbed his arm, holding it steady. “Holy crap! You got the tattoo.”

“I did. Less than an hour ago.”

It was almost exactly like the one he’d drawn in the dirt at the campground, except the lines were cleaner and the text bolder. Rail at the top and Riders at the bottom. In the middle was a train car. There was a simple border surrounding it all.

“This is fantastic.”

“Dodger thinks I’m going to be a trendsetter. He wants one now too. I knew I’d change his mind.”

“Screw that. Me first. I’m getting it in the same spot.” I rolled up my sleeve and touched the unmarked skin above my wrist.

“Well, I know the girl who did mine has a spot for a walk-in this afternoon. I asked her just in case.”

“I’ll have to save up first. Those things are expensive.”

“No, no. I’ll pay for it. Come on.”

Leo took my hand and helped me to my feet. He scanned the makeshift camp. “Can we leave this here, or do you want to pack up?”

“Well…” I scanned and then glanced at Leo, half-afraid to ask the next question in case the answer wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “You’re here. But are you staying? Your father, he…”

Leo touched my arm. “I’m staying. I told him this is where I wanted to be. With you.”

“But…” My heart thumped and thumped. “Leo, I don’t have anything to offer you. I’m just a—”

He pressed a finger to my lips. “I didn’t know I was looking for a different life until I met you. Now, I don’t ever want to go back to what I had. I’m a richer man when I’m with you, Killian. I’m happier.”

My vision blurred. Leo leaned in and kissed me. It was soft and sweet, and it warmed every molecule of my blood.

When we came apart, he rested his forehead against mine. “The end of the line.”

“The end of the line,” I whispered.

“I love you, Killian.”

My chin quivered, and a bubble formed in my throat. I choked on another sob. “I love you too. So much. I thought I’d never see you again.”

“I’m here. For as long as you’ll have me.”

I pulled him in for another all-consuming kiss. Our tears mingled and fell, but our hearts swelled.

I would never get enough of this.

“Now, tattoo,” he said when he pulled away again, his lips swollen and wet with my saliva.

“Tattoo. We can catch out tonight if you want. Willow and Tyler went to Vancouver already, but we can find them.”

Leo bit his lip and cut his gaze to the ground. “There is something I want to talk to you about first. Before we hop on our next train.”

“Okay. What is it?”

“Not yet. Let’s get you inked and find me a McDonald’s. I need to add to my Transformers collection, and I’d kill for a cheeseburger right now. They force-fed me soup and crackers for almost a week straight. I need substance.”

I laughed, and so did Leo. “We should probably stock up on some candy for the ride too. Can’t have you suffering sugar withdrawal.”

Leo nudged his ruck with the toe of his boot. “No need. I have plenty. My father turned a little green when he saw it all.”

We packed down my tent and stuffed the rest of my belongings into my bag, then we headed into town, hand in hand. The whole way, Leo told me everything that had happened on his end. About the long talk he’d had with his father and how his father had agreed to give him time to explore life on his own. He told me how his father’s initial lack of acceptance had been from a misguided urge to protect him from the evils of the world. They worked out a lot of things and had come out stronger in the end.

“He’s loosely accepted what I’m doing. I have to stay in touch and keep him updated. I think he figures I’ll grow tired of this, but he’s wrong.”

* * *

When I first met Leo, I would never have imagined him stepping foot in a place called Ink My Hide. Nor would I have ever pictured him chilling with a three-hundred-pound leather-clad ink junkie with a shaved head and a spike through his tongue named Rooster. But there he was, shooting the shit with Rooster like they’d been buddies all their lives, while a girl who reminded me of Willow prepped my wrist for a tattoo.

Leo was not the same person I’d met in Montreal. He wasn’t the same person who’d made love to me on a rooftop in Moose Jaw. He was happier, lighter somehow, and he wore an easy smile that lit up his eyes and radiated from his core. The dark cloud of worry and starchy demeanor were gone.

While I got my first tattoo, Rooster set Leo up with a wallet chain and a ridiculous zipper-style leather bracelet. Leo used the word sweet no less than a dozen times. I couldn’t stop chuckling under my breath as I watched him admire himself in a nearby mirror. The woman with the needle kept grinning at my good humor and peering back at Leo and Rooster to see why.

“That your boyfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s cute as a button. I did his tat earlier. Talked my ear off the whole time about freight-hopping.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. He’s pretty awesome.”

“Look, Killian.” Leo modeled his new wallet chain and bracelet. “Sweet, huh?”

“Very cool. You’re badass.”

We left Ink My Hide an hour later and sat on a bench outside the shop, snapping pictures of our matching tattoos and sending them to all our friends. Tyler and Willow didn’t know I’d found Leo, so they were ecstatic. They also tripped out over our new ink, claiming they were going to get the same ones too. Leo really was going to be a trendsetter.

We posted to Instagram and Facebook, then headed off to find the closest McDonald’s so Leo could get his cheeseburger fix and a new toy.

We settled in a secluded booth in the corner of the fast-food joint. Leo stuffed his face with french fries as he opened the plastic wrapper on his new Transformer.

“So, what is it we have to talk about?”

The smile on Leo’s face faltered, and a pit opened in my belly. I got the feeling whatever he wanted to say wasn’t something I was going to like.

“Eat first.”

So we ate.

Killian savored his burger one tiny bite at a time and sucked provocatively on his straw as he urged the thick milkshake to travel through the plastic contraption into his mouth. I groaned, and he laughed, doing it again and again, making out with his milkshake in a way that was drawing attention. He didn’t care. When he started to get nasty and licked the length of the straw like it was a hard cock, twirling his tongue around the end and fake moaning, I kicked him under the table.

He howled and snorted, almost spraying milkshake out his nose.

“Save it for later, you tease. That straw is getting more action than me, and I’m jealous.”

Leo winked. “I’ll make it up to you.”

We finished eating and shoved our trash aside. All the humor and happiness of our reunion faded when Leo grew serious. He folded his hands together on the table and met my eyes.

“I want to show you something, and you’re going to try to object and call code, but I’m asking you to give me a chance to explain first. Please don’t shut down the minute you don’t like what you see. Can you do that?”

My Big Mac turned to ash in my gut, and my throat closed. My skin prickled with rising goose bumps, but I nodded. “Okay. What is it?”

Leo removed a white envelope from the front pouch on his ruck and slid it across the table. “Read these. Don’t skim them. Don’t glance at what they are and shove them back at me. Read them. All of them. Then I want to say something.”

My lips buzzed, and I scraped my teeth along them, trying to make the strange sensation stop. There was an unmistakable shake in my hand when I reached for the envelope and drew it closer. I was afraid, but I didn’t know why. I trusted Leo, so whatever he was showing me couldn’t be that bad, right?

For a long minute, I ran a finger along the opening of the envelope without lifting the flap. I tried to imagine everything it could be, but nothing came to mind.

Bracing for the worst, I opened it and pulled out what was inside. Newspaper clippings of various sizes spilled onto the table. Dozens of them. I frowned and picked the one off the top and read the headline. All the blood from my body drained when I realized what I was reading. Instinctively, I wanted to shove the whole lot back at Leo and tell him to forget it, that I’d changed my mind, but I’d promised.

An ugly burning sensation grew from the pit of my stomach and sat heavy on my chest. It felt like heartburn only a thousand times worse. Part of me wanted to get up and flee, run hard and fast and not look back. Another part of me wanted to throw up. The memories I’d buried long ago surfaced with such vengeance, I wasn’t ready, and the words on the paper blurred.

I couldn’t read it if I wanted to.

Leo’s hand wrapped around my arm, and I sucked in a shaky breath, refocusing on the present. His touch grounded me.

“Just read them,” he said, his voice gentle. “Trust me.”

I blinked a few times and read.

The first headline said Have you seen my son? The rest of the write-up explained about my dad’s search for his runaway teenager and how he was looking for anyone who might know where I was. I bit the inside of my cheek. I made myself into stone as I picked through each article one at a time and read.

Years and years of articles. Some long, some short, but all of them carried the same message.

Each and every one was a variation of the first.

I was keeping it together until I found one that wasn’t written to the public but directly to me. Killian, if you’re reading this, I love you, son. I love you with all my heart. Please come home. We miss you.

My eyes burned, and the tears I’d been holding at bay slipped down my cheeks and landed on the newspaper. I shoved the pile away and smacked at my cheeks in an effort to dry them, but it was useless. Tears streamed down my face unchecked. “No more. I don’t want to read anymore. Where did you… How did you get…” I waved at the clippings, unable to ask the right question.

“From Willow. She said you wouldn’t listen. She said she’s tried to tell you, but you stop her every time and get angry.”

I was a mixed ball of confusion. Angry, painfully sad, and utterly crushed. I didn’t know what to think or how to feel. Everything I’d believed, everything I’d walled away for years and years was a lie. How? How was this possible?

Nothing made sense.

Leo pushed the papers aside and wrapped his hands around mine, holding tight. “Sometimes our eyes and ears deceive us. When my father said all those things to me when I came out, I interpreted them one way and missed the heart of what he really meant. Our parents aren’t perfect, and they sometimes respond from a place of deep emotion like we do. They might not act the way we expect or say the things we want to hear, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care or love us. Sometimes, I think they’re equally afraid. I don’t know about you, but when I told my father I was gay, I went into the conversation prepared for battle. So when he responded the way he did, I took his words as an attack. He struck, so I struck back. What I missed was his underlying fear. Is it possible that you did the same and reacted before you stopped to ask questions?”

Leo flipped through the newspaper clippings to a longer article. It was a pleading message written to the public by a man who I’d once called dad. “This isn’t a father who doesn’t accept you. Can’t you see that?”

I nodded. I could see it all too clearly. But why? Why had I felt so betrayed? Why had they whispered behind my back after telling me they accepted me? Why the sudden shift to anger? Why had Dad shut down whenever I’d come into the room?

“I want to propose a change in course. I think we should head back east and go put this poor man’s worries to rest. What do you think? Maybe it’s time to stop running.”

The thought terrified me and exhilarated me in equal measure. My heart beat like a war drum against my ribs, and I was sure I would be left with bruises. I was dizzy with the thought of seeing my parents again after all this time.

Seeing my dad.

“You’ll come with me?”

“You bet your ass I will.”

“I have to message Willow and Tyler. I’ll tell them… What do I tell them?”

“Tell them we’ll be spending the winter in Halifax, and we’ll catch up with them another time.”

My stomach flip-flopped. “Are we really doing this?”

“Do you want to?”

I glanced at the stack of articles going back nine years. There was no question. “Yes. Yes, I do.”

* * *

It took two weeks to get to Halifax. Leo and I took our time traveling, spending extra days between freight rides in cheap motels where we never left the bed. Where we explored each other until we were too sore and too exhausted to do anything but sleep.

Everything was new and exciting. Leo was getting better at catching on the fly, and he could jump off a moving train wearing his ruck without a hitch now. He was becoming a seasoned pro like the rest of us.

The anxiety about what we were doing didn’t sink in until we were back in Montreal. For nine years, Montreal had been the unofficial “end of the line” for me. I had always refused to travel farther east, determine to leave my past behind me.

The CP Rail freight line only went as far east as Saint John. From there, we would hitchhike to Halifax. My stomach knotted worse and worse each day. Leo sensed my distress and did all he could to keep me grounded. At night, he wrapped me in his arms and told me how much he loved me.

“What if it all goes wrong?”

“It won’t.”

“What if it does?”

“Then you have your found family. Me, Dodger, Willow, and Tyler. You know we love you, and we’ll be there for you always.”

It was a cold and rainy November afternoon when we wandered down the familiar streets of my old neighborhood. Leo’s fingers were woven with mine, and I squeezed his hand tight enough to make him wince as my old house came into view.

Each step was like trudging through drying cement. The rampant beat of my heart made my chest ache.

My parents had bought the raised ranch-style house before I was born. It was old, built in the sixties, but they worked hard on the upkeep. There was a single attached garage at the end of the driveway, and once we got close enough, I could see the door was rolled up.

Inside, a man was hunched over the open hood of a 1985 metallic gold Corvette. Music from an old radio drifted through the air. The Contours were asking, do you love me?

My lungs shrank until I couldn’t draw air. My skin tingled, and my fingertips went numb.

I didn’t realize I’d stopped walking until Leo tugged my hand. “You’ve come this far. Don’t stop now.”

The man was so engrossed in what he was doing, he didn’t hear us approach. We were halfway up the driveway when a waft of cigarette smoke drifted to my nose.

Every inch of me trembled like an earthquake was happening in my core. Leo’s hand in mine was the only thing keeping me from crumbling apart.

I heard my voice before I knew I was talking. “Dad?”

The man’s spine went rigid, and he stilled. Time seemed to shift into slow motion. My dad stood and turned around. His face went through a series of emotions as he took me in and realized who was standing there. The cigarette that had been dangling between his lips fell to the ground.

Then he fell to his knees and cried.

Leo urged me forward.

For the first time in nine years, I found myself encased in my father’s arms and surrounded by his familiar scent. It was a reunion unlike any I’d imagined in the two weeks we’d been on the road. I didn’t know how much I’d missed my home and family, how big the hole in my heart truly was, until I was back.

Once we cried out all our tears and got to our feet, I held out a hand to Leo. He wove his fingers with mine and stepped forward.

“Dad, this is my boyfriend, Leo.”

Dad shook Leo’s hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

And I knew he meant it.

The reunion with my mother was filled with just as many tears and hugs. It was overwhelming in the best possible way.