Domino by Ivy Black

Chapter Twenty-One

Ashley

I wait at the gates to the zoo with Cole standing in front of me, my hands on his shoulders. My heart is beating a mile a minute and my stomach is cramping with nerves. Max and I have seen a lot of each other over the past couple of weeks, and I feel like something special is really building between us.

I honestly had no expectations of what was happening when we first started seeing each other. It’s been difficult for me because I’ve always been somebody who reads into things. Tries to interpret every word said or everything somebody else does to discern the deeper meaning. I’ve made reading between the lines an art form. And not always in the best way.

But with Max, I’ve tried to take a step back from that. I’ve tried to put no pressure on anything and just let things happen as they would. It’s been difficult changing my most basic nature, but I’ve been trying to not read into anything he says or does and just take him at face value.

It’s been made somewhat easier by the fact that Max really is a “what you see is what you get” sort of person. He doesn’t play games, doesn’t obscure the truth of things, and says what he means. And when he would rather not talk about something, he will tell me straight away. He’ll eventually come around to talking about it, but I’m learning that I don’t need to push him and to let him open up to me in his own time. That sort of transparency has been… refreshing.

More than that, he treats me like a princess. Yeah, I know, this is the whole courtship phase of any burgeoning relationship—when everything is perfect. But after my experience with Ryan, I’m jaded enough that I don’t see the world through rose-colored glasses. I’m definitely not a cynic, I just have a healthy view of the world around me and the people in it.

I don’t see sunshine and rainbows everywhere. I simply see reality as it is. And to this point, what I’ve seen in Max is nothing short of wonderful. He treats me better than Ryan ever did… better than any guy I’ve ever gone out with, in fact. He is solicitous, caring, compassionate. He takes an active interest in me and my life and wants to know all the details of everything.

Max never makes me feel like I need to hide anything away. That there are certain things I shouldn’t talk about because it makes him uncomfortable or upsets him like Ryan did. He genuinely seems to want to know everything that passes through my mind, no matter how silly or trivial.

Basically, being with Max has been the exact opposite of my experience with Ryan. Max has shown me in a thousand different ways how much he values me. He seems to cherish me in ways I’ve never felt before. He seems to sincerely adore me in every way. And I have to admit that I adore him as well.

It’s obviously still far too early to predict where this is going with him. I’m doing my best to avoid getting my hopes up. Too far, anyway. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some small piece of me looking forward to perhaps taking this thing between us to another level. Ryan didn’t entirely kill the hopeless romantic in me. She’s wounded and hurting, but she’s not dead. And even if he doesn’t realize it, Max is breathing new life into her.

Which is why I thought today was the perfect time for him to meet Cole. Max was hesitant at first when I raised the subject. But he’s slowly warmed to the idea. I know he still harbors those scars deep within him. Honestly, I don’t think those are ever going to fully heal. My personal opinion is that he’s simply going to have to find a way to learn to live with it and deal with the pain that still so obviously affects him.

And my feeling is that he needs to spend more time around kids to prove to himself that he isn’t going to hurt them. Deep down, I think that’s what his issue truly is. The fact that he inadvertently killed two children, as horrible as it is, wasn’t his fault. But he still bears the burden of it and I think on a subconscious level, he feels like he’s going to hurt any child he comes across.

It’s irrational, of course. But oftentimes when we live through a traumatic event, it inspires fears that others might think are unreasonable but seem perfectly logical to us. In other words, it really only needs to make sense to him. And in his mind, it makes perfect sense to fear kids because of what he went through.

So, my goal here is to help him get used to being around kids and show him that he can have positive interactions with them. I want to show him that he can enjoy being around kids and that he’s not the portent of doom for children that he seems to think he is. I want him not just to see but believe that he’s not the monster he thinks he is. And I think being around Cole can help him with that.

Of course, there’s also a selfish motivation for this meeting as well. If things with Max continue on the trajectory they seem to be on, he’s going to have to get used to being around kids, anyway. I told him the first night we went out that Cole is the center of my universe and that without my son, there is no relationship with me.

So, this is kind of a rubber meeting the road moment. I know it will probably take a little time before he’s fully comfortable being around Cole, these sorts of issues can take a minute to resolve themselves. And I’m willing to be patient and work with him. But this will tell me whether or not he’s willing to put in the work on himself he needs to do to resolve his issues. It will go a long way to telling me if he wants to be with me, and actually thinks I’m worth the effort.

Max emerges from a crowd of people and I let out a small breath I didn’t know I was holding. He’s here. First hurdle cleared. He walks over to us and I can see how stiff and tentative he is. Max leans forward and gives me a peck on the cheek. He looks down at Cole, who’s looking back up at him with wide eyes. Max clears his throat and squats down in front of my son, a warm, but wavering smile on his face.

“You must be Cole,” he says.

Cole darts behind my legs, burying his face in the back of my knees. Reaching down, I take Cole’s hand and guide him back out in front of me.

“Cole, honey, it’s okay,” I say. “Max is mommy’s friend.”

“Your mom’s told me a lot about you, big man. You sound like a real cool kid.”

Cole’s smile is tenuous, but at least there’s one there, which I find encouraging. Apparently, Max does, too, as his smile seems to grow more certain.

“You ready to go see some monkeys?” Max asks.

Cole nods eagerly. “And ele-funs,” he says.

Max laughs as he looks up at me. “Personally, I like that pronunciation a lot better. Let’s go see some ele-funs.”

We share a laugh as he stands up and ruffles Cole’s hair. I put Cole into the small buggy that’s shaped like a panda and strap him in. Pushing the buggy along, we meld into the flow of traffic heading for the gates of the zoo. I’m sure some people will think he’s too old for the buggy, but I know my son and he’ll be done walking a few hours from now. The buggy saves us all a lot of time and headache because as any mother will tell you, a tired kid knows how to throw a tantrum.

Max is starting to loosen up already, but he hasn’t fully turned the corner just yet. I can still see the apprehension in his face and the tightness in his shoulders. I watch Max’s eyes and see him scanning the crowd, his gaze cutting left and then right, suspicion etching his features.

“You all right?” I ask.

He tears his gaze away from the crowd and looks at me, a sheepish expression on his face as if I’ve caught him doing something horribly embarrassing.

“Yeah. Sorry. It’s an unconscious thing,” he says.

“What is?”

“Looking for threats in a crowd of people. They really drilled it into us in the Corps since it was literally a matter of life and death.”

I laugh ruefully. “Well, that’s a cheery thought. I doubt we have to worry about suicide bombers in the zoo, though.”

“Here’s hoping.”

As he pays for the tickets, though, it’s me who gets a chill running down my spine. I feel the hair on the back of my neck standing on end as a wave of goosebumps washes over me. I turn and look out at the crowd, certain that somebody’s watching me. But there are simply too many people milling about, and I don’t see any faces I recognize.

“You okay?” Max asks.

I give him a gentle smile. “Yeah, I guess your paranoia’s rubbing off on me.”

“It happens.”

Max flashes me the tickets and I push the buggy along as Cole squeals with delight. We enter the park and are instantly inundated by a myriad of sights and sounds. It seems like a million people are in the park, the buzz of conversation and the high-pitched squeal of children laughing and playing so loud, it’s almost deafening. But it’s the sound of people enjoying themselves and having fun.

Ordinarily, it would buoy my spirits and I’d be laughing along with them straight away. But that feeling of being watched persists. It’s oppressive and heavy, and it’s sapping the enjoyment out of a bright, sunny, warm, and otherwise beautiful day. I turn again, positive I’m going to see somebody right behind me, but there’s nobody there. And yet, I still somehow feel creeped out.

“What’s wrong?” Max asks.

“Nothing. I don’t know. It just feels like somebody’s watching me.”

He smirks at me. “Wow. I guess my paranoia really is rubbing off on you.”

My laugh is forced and weak, so Max grabs hold of my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. I look into his eyes and see the concern in them.

“I know it’ll sound absolutely crazy, but I can’t get it out of my head that it’s Ryan. That he’s found us somehow and is watching me.”

A sympathetic look gleams in his eyes as he looks at me. “It doesn’t sound crazy. After hearing what you went through, I’d be surprised if you didn’t jump at shadows or have some lingering trauma from all of it. But he’s a thousand miles away, and like you said, he’s got no way of knowing where you are. It’s just nerves. I mean, things between us are moving kind of quick, and I’m sure it’s stirring up all of that shit inside of you. I think it’s probably natural to be freaking out a bit.”

“Wow. Now, who’s sounding like the shrink?”

He shrugs. “Maybe you’re rubbing off on me, too.”

“I hope not. I don’t think I could stand being analyzed and dissected a hundred different ways,” I say with a laugh.

“Welcome to my world,” he replies with a goofy grin on his face. “More than likely, it’s probably some guy who thinks you’re hot and can’t tear his eyes off you. I mean, I can totally relate.”

I laugh and slap him playfully on the shoulder. “Stop.”

He shrugs. “It’s true, though.”

“Spoken like a man who’s hoping to get lucky later.”

“This is one of those situations where both things can be true.”

I laugh and take his hand, raising it to my lips, and place a gentle kiss on it. He gives me a smile.

“Play your cards right and we’ll see how you do with the latter,” I purr.

Max slips his arm around my waist and pulls me to him. Cole is bouncing up and down in the buggy, laughing and telling us he wants to go see the ele-funs.

Max gives me a wink. “I think I like my chances.”

“I think I do, too.”

“Well, then, let’s go see some ele-funs.”

We laugh together as we head out on our trek through the park, but not before I glance over my shoulder one more time, that feeling of being watched dimming, but not entirely gone.