The Soulmate Equation by Christina Lauren

SEVENTEEN

POPS WASN’T ANSWERING his phone. He probably forgot to charge it.

Despite the draw of good coffee and the emotional ballast of her best friend—Fizzy’d gotten back from LA late last night—Jess decided to take her chances with hospital coffee and headed straight there, finding Pops standing at Nana’s bedside, just … staring worriedly down at her. Nana remained hooked up to all manner of hospital monitors, with one leg carefully propped and wrapped from calf to hip, but she was peacefully asleep. Despite this, a glance at Pops’s face told Jess he hadn’t closed his eyes for longer than a blink since she and Juno had left him last night.

She crossed the room, wrapping her arms around him from behind and kissing his shoulder. “Hey, you.”

He patted her hand, turning his face toward her. “Hey, honey.”

“You been standing here like this all night?”

His laugh came out as a cough. “No. Up and down, though. There’s so much beeping, so much checking in, lights on, lights off. Glad she slept through most of it.”

“She has the benefit of painkillers and a bed,” Jess said. “You must feel like hell.”

He nodded, reaching up to scratch his stubbly cheek with the ends of his blunt, thick fingers. “Just worried about her.”

Jess opened her mouth, but immediately closed it again. Halt this vigilance for a half hour? Jessica Davis knew better. She wouldn’t even consider suggesting he go home to shower and get a few hours of sleep in his own bed.

Might as well give him some fortification in the form of caffeine. “I was going to grab some coffee downstairs. Want some?”

“Yes,” he rasped, grateful. “And something to eat, please.”

Jess kissed his shoulder again. “Of course. Back in a few.”

Out in the hallway, it was impossible to ignore the stressful energy of the hospital. Nurses wheeled monitors into rooms; doctors flipped through charts, frowning. A constant white noise of unsynchronized beeping emanated from all directions.

Statistics wheeled through her thoughts—life expectancy after a hip fracture: one-year mortality rate ranged from 14 to 58 percent, with a mean of 21.2 percent. Odds of survival worsened with increasing age, of course; thankfully males were more vulnerable and mobility scores significantly influenced outcome. Nana was active and female …

Meaning at best she only had a one-in-five chance of dying this year.

Numbly, Jess ordered coffee in the cafeteria, grabbing a fruit salad and bagel for Pops. She bent, inhaling the cups, trying to trick her brain and divert it from a panic spiral. A whiff of the weak brew barely registered.

She sat in a hard cafeteria chair and took a second to check her emails—Kenneth Marshall had sent over some sample data sets, and she had a new request through her website from a wholesale jewelry dealer in Chula Vista. She would need to reschedule the meeting she’d had to postpone yesterday, and bump up a deep dive on analytic epidemiology for some data that was coming in from UCSD. There was no way she was going to get through all of it today, get Pops to rest, talk to Nana’s surgeon, and be there for school pickup. At least Juno had run enthusiastically toward Krista and Naomi at drop-off, so Jess didn’t have to worry about her.

Swallowing a bitter sip of coffee, she texted Fizzy:

My inbox is terrifying, and I think I’ll need to stay here today so Pops can get some rest.

Fizzy replied immediately, anticipating what Jess was going to ask even as she was typing out the question:

Does that mean I getJuno today? Yesssssss!

Jess closed her eyes, tilting her face to the ceiling. Gratitude and guilt prickled hot and cold through her.

Thanks. I won’t be late.

I have nothing else going on. Rob is on a work trip, and I missed your kid.

Thank you. I’m sorry—I swear I’ll get home as early as I can.

Shut up. I mean it.

Unexpected tears erupted across the surface of her eyes, and the sting pulled her into awareness. Pops was probably starving; Nana might wake up soon. Pull it together, Jess.

Back up on the orthopedic floor, voices filtered down the hall from Nana’s room. Jess heard the low rumble of Pops, Nana’s sluggish, soft words … and then the deep, quiet voice that had left her tossing and turning all night.

She turned the corner to see River standing with his back to the door, right next to Pops at the side of Nana’s bed. Nana Jo was awake, blurry-eyed but smiling. From behind, Pops’s posture looked perkier than it had in twenty-four hours, and he held a to-go cup in his left hand.

“It’s good to see you awake,” River was saying. “I met Mr. Davis but didn’t get to meet you yesterday.”

Nana still hadn’t seen Jess in the doorway—she was mostly hidden by River’s body—but Jess caught a glimpse of her beaming up at him. Jess couldn’t blame her grandmother; Dr. Peña was undoubtedly better-looking than she had let on. “Well, you’re sweet to come by, hon. Jess has told us all about you.”

This made him laugh. “Has she? Uh-oh.”

“Well,” Nana hedged, laughing lightly, “not as much as I’d like, I admit. That girl is a steel trap.”

“That sounds about right.” This time, they laughed knowingly together, and Jess scowled from behind them. “I’m glad you seem to be feeling better today.”

Nana Jo pushed to sit up, wincing. “They’ll probably get me out of bed and walking here soon.”

Pops nodded. “That’s right. You up for it, Jellybean?”

“I’m gonna give it my best,” Nana said quietly. Uneasily.

Frozen in the doorway, Jess didn’t know what to do or say. River wasn’t throwing Nana and Pops into We Have Company mode in the slightest.

“Sounds like you’ve got a pretty fancy operation over there in La Jolla,” Pops said.

River nodded, tucking a hand into his pocket. “We’re hoping. If you two ever want to get tested, you’d be a nice addition to our Diamond Match data.”

Nana laughed, waving him off. “Oh, you’re sweet.”

“But he’s right,” Pops said, bending to kiss her forehead. “What do you think? Should we see if we’re meant for each other?”

Nana smacked his chest, laughing, and Jess felt another mysterious urge to cry.

But when she took a step backward to ease out of view, her shoe squeaked on the linoleum, and all heads turned in her direction. River pivoted fully, breaking into a smile.

“Hey, Nana,” Jess said, walking to her bedside and bending to kiss her soft cheek. “How’re you feeling, superstar?”

“Much better with two handsome men and my favorite granddaughter in my room.”

River laughed and extended a coffee from Twiggs to Jess. “I don’t think you got your flat white this morning,” he said. “Fizzy said you hadn’t been in.”

Their eyes met briefly, and Jess was the first to look away. She flushed at the memory of his mouth on hers.

“Came straight here after school drop-off.” She set the crappy hospital coffee on the windowsill (in case of emergency) and Pops’s food on the little table by Nana’s bedside. “Thanks,” Jess said, taking the cup from River. Their fingers brushed and it felt like clothes-ripping foreplay.

River curled his hand into a fist, shoving it into the front pocket of his pants. “Just wanted to stop in on the way to work.”

“That’s really nice of you.”

Nana Jo gave Jess a Is that all you have to say to him? frown, and when River glanced to the side at the sound of a monitor beeping, Jess returned a helpless What else do you want me to say? shrug.

Nana Jo rolled her eyes and Jess looked back to River, who unfortunately had caught the tail end of this nonverbal conversation. He cleared his throat and pulled his sleeve back to look at his watch. “I should probably head out.”

“Thank you for stopping by,” Jess managed.

“Yeah,” River said haltingly. “Of course.”

Jess tried again. “Can I walk you out?”

He nodded, and she followed him into the hallway.

“I’m sorry if I’m intruding,” he said immediately.

“No.” She lifted her coffee to him. “This will save me today.”

Frowning, he murmured, “Well, I’m glad.”

What would really be helpful would be to step into his arms and let him worry about everything for a few hours. River seemed willing to be that person.

Last night had felt like falling into a deep well filled with stars. Jess could have stayed in his arms for hours without coming up for air. But right now was not the time to be distracted by constant thoughts of getting into River’s pants.

He straightened. “I brought something for Juno.” Digging into his messenger bag, he pulled out a few sheets of paper. “Some roller coaster stuff I printed off last night.”

Jess took the papers without looking at them, unable to shift her gaze from his face. Her heart was ramping up to a crescendo, but her mind had gone unexpectedly mute.

These small, easy ways of caring: sandwiches, coffee, school pickups, roller coaster research.

Juno’s heart was built to expand. He picked me up at school sort of like a daddy would. She was going to get attached, but if his relationship with Jess didn’t pan out after their experiment, he would be gone. Juno would know abandonment—after every tiny and enormous effort Jess had made to build a lasting, secure world for her.

And Jess couldn’t deny: she would feel the loss, too. She didn’t want him to become indispensable and precious to her. She’d never needed anyone except her tiny circle. She didn’t know if she was even capable of trust-falling backward into anyone else’s arms.

It was unfair after everything he’d done for her in the past twenty-four hours, but fear crawled up inside her like a creeping, strangling vine anyway. “Thank you for doing that,” she managed robotically, lifting the papers.

River frowned, at a loss against her blank tone. “Okay—well, that’s all I’ve got.” He adjusted the strap on his shoulder, brow furrowed in confusion. This morning’s Jess was not the same woman he’d kissed outside of the car last night. “I’ll catch you later.”

He turned, stiffly, and began walking toward the elevator.

Stride, stride, stride.

Something thawed in her. “River.” She heard the way her voice rang down the hall, its odd, desperate pitch. “Wait.”

He turned slowly, expression guarded.

“I’m sorry I’m so—” She approached him, stopping a few feet away as she struggled for the right words. “I’m sorry I’m oddly nonverbal today. I’m really grateful for your help with Juno last night, and I love that you brought me a coffee.”

He stared at her, waiting for the rest.

“It’s just—none of this is part of our contract. I hope you know I know that. I would never want to take advantage.”

If she thought his expression was flat before, she was wrong. Because at this, his mouth straightened, brow went completely smooth. “You’re right,” he said. He stared at his shoes for a clarifying beat, and then smiled stiffly at her. “I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable last night, or today. Let me know if you need anything else.”

He started to turn again, and a clawing desperation rose in her at the sight of him walking away. She wanted him here, she wanted him right fucking here, but that exact feeling was making her want to reach forward and shove him away.

“It’s just that I don’t know what to do with what I’m feeling,” Jess admitted in a burst.

Slowly, River turned back to her and let out a gently bewildered laugh. “Neither of us does.”

“You stand to make so much money,” she said. “How can that not be constantly on my mind? What would I have done if you hadn’t helped with Juno yesterday? But it’s always right here,” she said, urgently tapping her temple with an index finger, “to question whether it’s genuine. It’s one thing if you’re fooling me, it’s another when it’s my kid.”

His brow relaxed. “I’m not here for the stock price, Jess. I’ve said it before. It isn’t about the money.”

“That’s something only people who aren’t worried about money say.”

River sighed, blinking away and then back to her. “Did last night feel like an act to you?” When she didn’t answer, he took a step closer, tone softening. “Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you? The DNADuo can bring us together, but it can’t make us fall for each other. It can’t know your past or mine, or predict what would scare us off, or entice us to be together. All of that is up to us, not the algorithm.”

Jess closed her eyes and reached up, rubbing her hand over her face. Everything he said sounded so logical. But still. She was scared.

She resented her infatuation’s persistent stab into every waking moment. She was attracted to River beyond anything she’d felt before, but it was emotional, too. It was the kind of attraction that sent down roots below the surface.

This new, tender kind of torture made her want him in all aspects of her life. On the pillow next to hers. Across the table at dinner. Holding her hand at the hospital. River was kind, and thoughtful, and vulnerable. He was brilliant and quietly funny. He was everything she ever wanted in a partner, even if she didn’t realize it until he was standing right here, telling her that it was all up to them to try, or not.

Jess released a tiny stream of anxiety: “I’m scared, okay? I don’t want to get hurt, and I really don’t want Juno to get hurt. She’s never—” She stopped short, rephrasing. “Juno’s never had someone she loved disappear on her.”

River’s unwavering gaze softened, and he took another step closer to her. “I don’t want that, either. But I’m not a soldier or a robot. I’m not here on GeneticAlly business. I’m following what I’m feeling.” He looked back and forth between her eyes for a bit before something in his expression cleared, relaxing. “You’d have no way of knowing this, but I’m terrible at faking emotions.” Jess laughed through a quiet sob. “And I get that it’s more complicated because of Juno, but what else am I supposed to do but ask? I want to spend time with you.”

“We are spending time together,” Jess said lamely.

“Official events and conversations in hospital hallways?” he asked, frowning. “Is this enough for you?”

Could he see the no in her eyes? “I don’t know what else is possible right now.”

“What does that mean?” River closed the last bit of distance between them, reaching for her free hand. It felt cold against the heat of his fingers. He looked around the hallway surrounding them. “This is part of life, Jess. Emergencies and responsibility and managing small fires all the time—but it’s only part of it. There are quiet moments, too. Good moments. Moments when we can ask for more.”

“It’s not the part I’m very good at.”

“I hadn’t noticed.” He unleashed a wry smile.

This made her laugh. “What are you saying?”

“I thought it was obvious.” His grin turned shy. “Really?”

“Really.”

“I want to be here to bring you coffee. I want to take you out to dinner and order the same food and hear you recite the odds that we would have met. I want to hate-attend fancy social events together.” Jess laughed, a surprised burst of sound, and his tone softened. “I want you to call me for help—without an apology already on the tip of your tongue. I want to feel like I can kiss you again by your car at the end of the night.” He swallowed. “I want you in my bed.”

Jess was a little afraid that her feet would melt into the floor. That flames would travel up her legs and burn a hole straight through her. She wanted that. But if she let herself fall for River, there would be no easy way out.

“I can tell you’re not sure what to say,” he said, bending to kiss her cheek. “That’s okay. You know where to find me when you’re ready.”