My Favorite Half-Night Stand by Christina Lauren

chapter eleven

millie

If you were a murderer in the nineteenth century, it’s likely that poison—most commonly arsenic—was your weapon of choice. Used for everything from killing rats to removing hair and controlling insects, arsenic was cheap, easy to acquire, and kept in abundance in most Victorian homes. If you were a desperate woman with an abusive or rich husband you’d like to kill, it was a relatively easy way to do it.

As you might have guessed, the section of manuscript I’m working on—and that I should have finished hours ago—is about poison. More specifically, it’s about women throughout history who’ve been tried for using it. Nannie Doss—dubbed the Giggling Granny—murdered husband after husband, and always wore a smile, even after admitting to killing four of them. Anna Marie Hahn lured rich, elderly men to their deaths, though not before taking them for everything they had. Blanche Taylor Moore’s life was a scandal of dead family and husbands and extramarital affairs, and even inspired a made-for-television movie.

Mayhem, calculated murder, history, and a body count—this is my jam. Normally I would be engrossed. Normally I would have finished this chapter and been well into the next before my laptop ever needed to charge.

But today, nearly a week after Reid and I had sex (again), I have the attention span of a teaspoon. It doesn’t take a genius to understand why.

Since I love torturing myself, I pick up my phone and reread my texts with Reid.

Dinner tonight? I was thinking pizza and gossip about Chris and your sister . . .

Nothing tickles me like hassling him, but he didn’t take the bait.

. . .

You are way too easy.

Pepperoni sound good? We’ll fancy it up with the two bottles of wine your mom gave me.

Correction: the two bottles my mom caught Ed putting in your purse.

Details, details. Should I text everyone and order?

It’s been fifteen minutes and Reid has yet to reply, but just as I’m about to put my phone down, a new one comes in:

Actually I can’t. The date’s tonight.

Date?

Did we make plans I’d forgotten about—

Then it hits me.

Daisy.

He’s referring to the date he’d texted me about, when I had promptly lied through my teeth, or through my fingers.

So Reid is going on a date. But I’m fine.

I can’t think or concentrate for more than ten consecutive minutes, but it’s cool.

Emotions are live wires, and mine are DOA.

If things go well, they could have sex tonight.

I’m definitely not fine.

Gathering my things, I push away from the table and carry it all outside, in desperate need of some air.

I don’t have a huge yard—this is California, after all—but it’s lush and shaded during the summer months, and full of golden colors in the fall. A full-grown ginkgo blots out most of the fading sun, leaving just enough spikes of sky visible where there will soon be stars. Its branches creak overhead and I take a seat on the patio swing, using one foot to gently rock in time with the breeze.

It’s cooler out than I expected, but the overcast weather seems appropriate considering my mood. Reid is going on a date and I’m here, just like I am every night and will be every night in the future because I’m doing nothing to change it. What does it say about me that rather than looking at my own profile, I want to look at Catherine’s? What does it say that I want to write him, even now? In the slim hope he might read it during his date and possibly think about me. Er . . . Catherine.

The swing squeaks, a gentle reminder of when Reid helped me hang it. Dustin and I had just broken up, and I’d mentioned needing an extra set of hands. He’d volunteered before it had even occurred to me to ask. He helped lay the pavers that wind their way to the garage and replaced the smoke detector after an unfortunate Thanksgiving incident. And when I wanted to release a paper lantern on New Year’s Eve—somehow lighting the fringe of my scarf aflame in the process—he was there to put out that fire, too.

But if things go well with Daisy . . . will he still be?

I glower at my laptop and don’t bother listening to the tiny professional voice in my head—it’s immediately overshadowed by the possessive one telling me to ignore the manuscript I’m supposed to be working on and open up the IRL app to reply to his last letter.

From: Catherine M.

Sent: 6:48 pm, April 6

Reid,

Wow this is becoming a regular occurrence. Do we officially qualify as pen pals now? I’d always wanted one when I was a kid, but never went anywhere or did anything—what would I possibly have to say?

Thank you for your last letter. It was so honest and sincere, and I want to tell you how much it meant that you shared it with me. Do me a favor and give your mom a big hug when you see her next. She won’t know exactly why, but something tells me it will make her day. Fingers crossed that there was no late-night streaking in the vineyard.

So, as pen pals we’re supposed to be honest and tell each other things we might not otherwise say, right? I know the goal here is to find people we like. I like you, Reid. I know that means that I should put my best foot forward, but I’m in an odd mood and I seem to have lost my filter. Besides, wouldn’t it be better to be brutally honest? I feel like we meet people in life and want so much for them to like us that we suck in our stomachs and pretend we don’t fart and tell them a bunch of things we think they want to know. If it works they fall for the person we want to be, and not for the person we are.

First, my dad is sick. He’s sick and I haven’t told anyone because I’m sad enough about it without making everyone else around me miserable, too. Isn’t that insane? I have the most kind and understanding friends in the world, all of whom would do anything to help, and I’ve kept this from them because I don’t want to be a drag.

Which leads me to my next bout of emotional diarrhea (and if you write me back I promise not to ever use that term again). I’m lonely. I’m lonely because I don’t tell people what I need or what I want, and then get hurt when they don’t figure it out on their own.

Is it possible to be a highly functioning adult with a successful career, awesome friends and a lovely family, and still be a Level Five Hot Mess? I may be living proof.

And because I can’t leave with the phrase “emotional diarrhea” this close to the end (okay, NOW I’ll never use that term again), here’s an embarrassing little tidbit about myself to cap off this dumpster fire of a reply. When I was sixteen, I had such a crush on a guy named Leslie. Rather than—I don’t know—actually talk to him, I came up with elaborate reasons to pass his locker at least six times a day, and would covertly just happen to show up wherever he was going to be.

One weekend in October, I heard a bunch of his friends were going to the local corn maze and haunted house. I love all things scary, but for some reason can’t stand the idea of ghosts. Still, my lust for this boy had clearly clouded my judgment because I threw together a costume and dragged my best friend along with me.

Everything was fine at first, I managed to make tit halfway through the attraction without peeing my pants or otherwise embarrassing myself, but I still hadn’t seen him. Unfortunately, my best friend had, and she wanted to make sure he saw me. Her brilliant plan involved telling one of the workers that it was okay to scare me and grab me from behind. I’m sure in her head I would scream in this really adorable way, Leslie would see me, and we would slip off to make out and probably end up engaged. What happened was slightly different.

The guy did grab me, and I definitely screamed, but while attempting to flee, I ran into a faux–serial killer with a prop chainsaw and somehow managed to slice my left shoulder open pretty bad. SIX STITCHES. Leslie did see me, but covered in my own blood and only as I was being carried out on a stretcher.

Funnily enough he stopped by my house a few days later, and we did actually make out.

He was a terrible kisser.

C.

My Uber drops me off a few buildings down from the Sandbar.

With a giant smile, I walk to where Ed is waiting. Strangely, after sending that insane note to Reid, I feel better. Maybe the best strategy here is to scare him off Catherine with boatloads of honesty, and hope that Daisy is a dud . . . oh, and also figure out my own shit.

Like, what does my jealousy mean, and are these spasms in my stomach what most normal people describe as love? Or is it the Indian food I had for lunch staging a mild gastrointestinal coup?

“Your smile is weird,” Ed says when I reach him. “Like you’re farting.”

“Trying not to.”

He rolls with this easily. I love Ed. “Do you want to sit inside or outside?” He points to my stomach. “Maybe outside, better air circulation?”

Downtown Santa Barbara is lively this time of night, with bars and restaurants that line the sidewalks, and brightly lit patios with seating that spills out toward the street.

Although the inside looks warm and inviting, with pin-tucked leather stools and a wide-open bar, it’s quieter on the patio. Plus, he’s not wrong about the ventilation. I’m still not sure what to name this feeling in my belly.

“Three for outside,” Ed tells the hostess. It takes my brain a moment to catch what he’s said.

“Wait. Three?”

Like a hot Latin Dementor, Alex materializes at his side.

I turn on Ed. “You brought Alex? I told you I needed to talk.”

Alex snags a chip off the tray of a passing waiter and pops it into his mouth, talking around it. “Why would you need to talk to Ed?”

I frown at Ed. “Never mind. It’s nothing.”

Ed gives him a conspiratorial tap on the arm to get his attention. “Because she’s Catherine,” he whispers, and then leans in, adding, “Oh, and she and Reid are sleeping together.”

Thunder booms inside my skull. “Oh my God! Ed!”

“What? You said I couldn’t tell Reid,” he says. “You can’t expect me to keep something like that to myself. It’s bad for my skin.”

Alex’s eyes go wide. “I’m sorry, what the fuck did you just say?”

I’m saved from having to respond when a pretty waitress appears to lead us to the patio. Because both Alex and I are locked in place, Ed gives us each a shove and we reluctantly follow.

She takes us to a round table with a low, flickering fire in the center, and hands us our menus before leaving. An awkward silence settles between us as Alex is probably attempting to wrap his head around what he’s just heard, and I file through my vast bank of knowledge to narrow down how to most efficiently murder Ed. Arsenic seems like a good choice.

“So . . .” Ed says, casually perusing his menu. “How is everyone?”

Alex stares blankly at the paper in his hand. “I don’t even know where to start.”

I couldn’t agree more. “That makes two of us.”

“I heard the entire thing through a paper-thin wall, so if you’d like I can start there,” Ed tells him. “Perhaps a dramatic reenactment?”

I wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but Alex’s eyes widen further, and I see the moment he puts two and two together. “At his parents’ house?”

I sink into my chair.

Across from me, Alex calls back the waitress and gestures to the rest of us at the table. “Yeah, we’re gonna need some drinks.”

If you want to get as drunk as possible for around twenty dollars, a Blackout Beach is a pretty fancy way to do it.

After loosely explaining the situation to Alex, I look at him over the top of my giant drink—a potent concoction of vodka, rum, blue curaçao, peach schnapps, and a shot of 151, served in what can only be described as a fishbowl. I’d bet money no good decision was ever made while holding a drink this size.

“So you’re the ugly girl,” Alex says, and I debate whether I would feel better drinking the final third of my Blackout Beach or throwing it in his lap.

“It is not an ugly photo,” I say, and settle on throwing a tortilla chip at him instead. “What was I supposed to do? I can’t actually show my face.”

Alex vaguely motions to the general vicinity of my boobs. “You could show your—”

Ed cuts him off, reaching to cover Alex’s mouth. “Even I know you should stop talking.”

Alex pushes him away. “Let me get this straight. You’re writing to him as Catherine, but having sex with him as Millie?”

“Yes. But we’re not having sex,” I say. “We just had sex.”

“Okay, so just the once, then,” he clarifies. “I mean, that’s different.”

“Well . . .” I say, taking a long pull on my straw while I pretend to think. It tastes like candy gasoline. “Maybe twice.”

Alex leans back in his chair, arms folded across his chest. “Maybe?”

I sigh. “Fine. Twice.”

“So far,” Alex suggests, and Ed takes a break from shoveling in chips and salsa by the handful to bark out a laugh.

I glare at them both. “There’s no so far about it. It was a weird little accident. It won’t happen again.”

Alex laughs now and his eyes are devilishly bright in the light from the fire. “Do you know what an accident is, Mills? Spilling a glass of water is an accident. Cutting someone off in traffic—that can be an accident. As much as I would personally enjoy using it as an excuse, I don’t know how person one would accidentally put their penis into person two.”

“Well, theoretically, depending on the circumstances, the angle of your fall, and the velocity—” Ed stops and looks around the table. “Carry on.”

Alex clears his throat before turning his attention back to me. “Not even getting into the fact that you confided in Ed about this and not me. Does Chris know?”

“Hell no, Chris doesn’t. And I didn’t confide in anyone.” I poke at my drink with the straw, glaring at Ed. “I only admitted it to him because he basically caught me.”

“And let me tell you,” Ed says, straightening, “I don’t think the amount of insulation they have in those walls is up to code. I might as well have been in the same room for the things I heard. I almost took a shower myself.”

“If you don’t plan on doing it again,” Alex begins, “then why are we here? Why did you need to talk to Ed? I mean, I’m surprised to hear about the Catherine thing, but not really the rest. You and Reid are . . . different with each other. I’m frankly surprised you haven’t banged long before now.”

Ed narrows his eyes, and I swear it’s like watching a cartoon lightbulb go on above his head. I’m already wincing when he says, “He’s out with Daisy, isn’t he?”

I push my drink away, unsure whether my stomach can tolerate any more black booze. “He is. But what I wanted to tell you is that I don’t think we need to worry about the Catherine thing anymore.”

“Why?” Ed asks, shifting when the waitress arrives with our food and another round of drinks.

I gladly trade my Blackout Beach for a water, thanking her before she steps away again. “I did my best to scare him off.”

Alex is already shaking his head. “I don’t think that’s possible.”

“Trust me,” I say, and unroll my napkin to place it in my lap. “If he hasn’t blocked me by tonight, he’ll definitely do it by morning. I was sort of having a moment, and did an emotional purge in his inbox.”

Ed pauses with a taco halfway to his mouth. “I’d kind of like to see that.”

Alex seems to be similarly surprised, and I look at each of them in turn. “See what?”

Ed sets down his food, leaning forward with his elbows on the table. “Come on, Mills. We all know you keep your cards close. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, but it would be cool to know more about what you’re thinking, you know? I could always be wrong, but . . . I’ve known Reid for a long time. If your plan was to scare him off by letting him get to know you—or Catherine—you might want to think of a plan B. Reid is an emotionally intuitive dude. He likes feelings.”

The problem is that I know, and it’s one of the things I love about him. He’s sensitive and able to express himself in a way I’ve never been able to. Reid moving on from Cat would be the easiest conclusion to this mess, but that’s sort of the problem. I can’t deny how good it felt to unload all that today. It felt good to tell him some more about my past, and how I’m lonely, and how that loneliness is almost entirely my own fault.

“You look like you’re going to fart again,” Ed says.

Alex wrinkles his nose. “Millie, drop it on the otherside of the patio.”

“I’m not going to fart, you jackass. I’m thinking about how many chances I’ve had to tell Reid the truth, and how I’m selfish, and never do.”

“Not to oversimplify things,” Alex says, “but we’re all sort of selfish. I’m letting you pay for my dinner—”

“Wha—”

He holds up a hand before I can correct him. “Reid is talking to two women at once, and thinks neither of them knows it. Not to mention the fact that Reid isn’t exactly the most casual guy. If sex is involved, I’m guessing he hasn’t exactly been forthcoming with you.”

Alex winces a little before this next part: “And if sex with Daisy happens tonight, I’m guessing he’ll need to rethink some things, too.”