The Hardest Fall by Ella Maise

Chapter Eleven

Zoe

Iknocked on the door and walked in as soon as I heard a muted, “Come in.” When his eyes lifted up and he saw who was in his office, he sighed. “This is not the best time, Zoe. I’ll call you later.”

Ignoring his words, I took a deep breath, clicked the door shut, and squared my shoulders. “I want to tell him.”

I was in Mark’s private office, standing as far away from him as possible. Anyone could’ve told me he didn’t want me in there just from his body language and I didn’t want to be there either, but I’d sucked it up and made my way over to the athletic administration building as soon as I left the apartment that morning anyway. He was just going to have to deal with me.

“No.” Mark looked at me with hard, unyielding eyes. Was he ever planning on telling him? At that moment, it didn’t look like he was, but we had a plan and he was going to tell him. He had to. I just couldn’t wait any longer.

“I need to tell him,” I repeated, my voice coming out stronger this time—at least it sounded stronger to my ears.

He leaned back in his seat and the chair gave a small groan. I barely managed to hold back my flinch.

“Is this because I couldn’t make it last night? I’ll make it up to you some other time. You know how busy it gets during the season.”

He wanted to talk about that? Sure, why not?

“You were the one who invited me out in the first place. You didn’t have to make me wait two hours in that restaurant halfway across town if you had no intention of coming, but this isn’t about last night. It’s not the first time it’s happened, and I’m guessing it won’t be the last, either. I get that you’re busy. It’s fine either way.”

“You need to remember who you’re talking to.”

I needed to remember? I wanted to forget all about him.

Mark tapped the pink end of the yellow pencil he had in his hand on one of the papers that were strewn all over his desk and looked down at them, dismissing me.

“I give up. I don’t want to do this anymore,” I confessed, and his gaze came back to me. Was that relief I was seeing in his eyes? I let out a deep breath and swallowed my disappointment. “If you don’t want to see me, if you don’t care about getting to know me, that’s okay. You don’t have to. But, you should know, Chris was at the apartment last night. That’s why—”

As soon as the words left my mouth, Mark was up on his feet. He threw the pencil on his desk in a calm manner, just a flick of his wrist, which was not what his body language said at all. Instead of meeting his eyes, I watched the pencil roll off and hit the ground with a small thump. When it stopped moving, I finally found the courage to look up at his face. I straightened my spine and tried my best to look like I wasn’t afraid of him or the radiating anger coming off him in waves. Though I had to say, it was the angriest I’d seen him in the last three years. His face was flushed and he bent to put his fists on the table, eyes on me the entire time.

“What did you just say?”

“Chris…he was at the apartment last night, with one of Dylan’s friends, JP. I think they were worried about him.”

“What did you tell him, Zoe?”

When I’d first come in, Mark hadn’t invited me to sit down, so I was still standing in the same spot. My hand tightened on the strap of my bag and the edge of the leather bit into my palm. It felt like the bag was my only protection against him, though in reality, it meant absolutely nothing. I didn’t think he’d actually hurt me, but he’d never looked at me like he wanted to end me right then and there either.

Hadn’t my dad warned me on multiple occasions to be careful around him?

“What the fuck did you tell him!” thundered Mark when I didn’t reply fast enough, and this time, I visibly flinched.

I hated the fact that he had the ability to hurt me. He shouldn’t have, I knew that, and the fact that my voice was small when I answered him bothered me even more.

“Nothing,” I forced out. “They didn’t stay for long.”

“Sit down and tell me everything.”

Maybe I had made a mistake in mentioning it to him. “I didn’t come—”

His palm hit the desk with a sharp crack. “I said sit your ass down and tell me everything!”

My heart hammering, I forced myself to walk with stiff legs and sat on the edge of the chair farthest away from him. A result of the anger I felt toward him, my fingertips bit into my palms the entire time. When I was finished telling him about the night before, making sure to keep the parts about me and Dylan out, he started pacing—angry steps, angry eyes, sharp, angry words.

“He doesn’t know about your mom. How many times do—”

“Our mom, you mean,” I muttered.

His eyes narrowed at me. “Danielle has never been his mom. We adopted him. His mom is Emily.”

It was right on the tip of my tongue to say something, but I decided to let it go. When it came to Mark, I knew it was better to pick my battles. I wanted to reason with him. Technically he was my father and I wished I could manage to call him by that title one day, but every time I thought about doing exactly that, I felt like gagging. This was one of those times.

“Mom called you before she passed away and told you about me. I wasn’t the one to call you. You said you wanted to meet me, you said you wanted to get to know me. You were the one who invited me to come here, so I came. I came because I wanted to get to know you too, not just Chris. My freshman year, you said it should be just us for a while, said we should have the time to get to know each other, and I agreed because I was already nervous about how and why—”

“What are you getting at Zoe? I don’t have time to go over the last three years.”

“Don’t put all this on my mom. She was your wife’s friend and you both cheated behind her back. She didn’t get pregnant on her own, and twice at that. I have no idea how you talked your wife into adopting Chris—I guess maybe she was really desperate to have a kid and forgave you for cheating on her—but I know the lies you told my mom to convince her to give him up.”

He just stared at me, anger burning in his eyes. I rose from my seat and forced my hands to relax at my sides.

“At first, I thought you liked me,” I said in a controlled voice. “I might have been a surprise that came, what, eighteen, nineteen years later, but you acted like you cared about it, cared about learning more about me. I thought we were getting closer. I never assumed I’d be like a daughter to you, but I thought we would have some kind of relationship.” I gripped my bag tighter. Why did I think he’d interrupt me to say something to ease my hurt? Surely he could see it with his own eyes, but he said nothing. “Never mind. I already have a dad, right? I couldn’t ask for a better one. You don’t have to like me, I don’t mind that at all”—that was something I no longer cared about—“but I want to get to know Chris. That’s what I said from the very beginning. Other than my dad, I have no family. No one. He is my brother, not half-brother. He is my brother, and I want the chance to get to know him.”

Something must have made it through because his eyes softened, the angry lines on his forehead slowly decreasing, at least I thought so. “We can’t tell him about your mother.” He sighed. “And Emily doesn’t know about you. She won’t handle it well if she learns that Chris knows she’s not his mother.”

My mom had been sleeping with Mark behind his wife’s back when she got pregnant with Chris. Just two months before she passed away, she sat me down and told me all about their toxic relationship. She hadn’t thought of it as toxic, but that was exactly what it had been. Initially, Mark wanted her to get an abortion, but when my mom refused to do so, Mark came up with a better idea. Since his wife couldn’t have a baby because of her health issues, why not adopt the one Danielle was going to have and kill two birds with one stone? My mom didn’t know what he had told his wife, but to her, he’d promised to leave the wife when the time was right. Only problem was, the right time never came. A scandal would affect his football career. His coach at the time was his wife’s father, and surely he’d have done everything he could to get Mark fired if he learned that he was cheating on his daughter. If she didn’t let them adopt the baby, he’d never acknowledge it, never see her again. However, if she did, they’d keep seeing each other behind the wife’s back, and when he left her, they’d raise Chris together. I’m not sure if my mom was so naive because of her young age or because of love, but she went along with his plan.

“What do you mean we can’t tell him about his mother?”

“I’ll only agree to tell him you’re his half-sister, and you’ll wait for me to tell him, Zoe. You’re not going to say one word to him without my knowing. That’s the best you’ll get from me.”

Jesus. Was he actually negotiating with me about this?

“This is his last season, and I’m going to wait till it’s over. I can’t afford for him to lose his focus and screw up his future over this. If you care about him, you’ll wait till the season ends.”

I wanted to ask so many questions, but I simply nodded. I’d waited three years to meet him after all; a few more months was nothing.

When he didn’t move his eyes off me, I gave him a tight nod and turned around to leave. The air inside the room was becoming stifling.

“One more thing, Zoe.”

I stopped with my fingers on the handle.

“I don’t want you to be friends with Dylan Reed.”

My brows drew together in confusion and I faced him. “What? Why?”

“When I told him he could stay at the apartment, I thought you’d already moved out to live with your friend…what was her name…Kelly.”

“Kayla.”

He sighed. “Yes, her. Dylan is busy enough so I know he won’t be around you, but I still want you to keep your distance since he is one of Chris’s friends. I assume you’ll be moving out soon anyway. I’m going to talk to Dylan about it, but if Chris or any of my players come around to the apartment again, I want you to stay away. Get out if necessary.”

I blinked at him.

Fuck you.

I’d wait till the season was over before I told Chris anything, because it wasn’t just my secret to tell and I wouldn’t want to mess up his game. Mark would never be a father to me or anything even close to that, but he was Chris’s. Beyond that, he was right—it’d do Chris no good if I blurted everything out right in the middle of football season. I was pretty sure that wouldn’t make me his favorite person.

All that being said…Mark Wilson was the last person on earth who’d get to choose who I was friends with.

* * *

“Dad?”I whispered into my phone.

“Who is this stranger calling me ‘Dad’?”

I wanted to talk, but I couldn’t force the words out.

“Zoe? So you do remember that you have a dad, huh?”

I could only manage a whisper. “Yes, Dad.”

His tone changed from playful to worried in a second. “Zoe? Are you there?”

Mumbling something unintelligible, I sniffled and pulled my legs up to my chest. Resting my forehead on my knees, I wiped a tear from my cheek before anyone around me could see I was crying.

My dad sighed into the phone and I closed my eyes tighter. Oh, how I wished he was right next to me and I could just disappear into his hug and never leave his side.

“Tell me what he did,” he ordered with a slight edge to his voice.

“How do you know it’s him?”

“Who else could manage to make you cry? Even when you were a toddler you didn’t cry as much as you have these past few years. Tell me what he did now.”

What was it that broke that tight hold when a girl heard her dad’s voice, even over the phone, even when he was four hundred miles away? “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore, Dad.” More hot tears made their way down my cheeks and onto my jeans.

“You’re supposed to tell me what’s going on, my pretty girl. I can’t bear it when you call me crying like this.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “Did I interrupt your work?”

“Zoe…” Another long-suffering sigh. “You’re never an interruption, and you barely call me as it is. Tell me what’s going on so I can help you. That’s all I want to do, I promise.”

“I know, Dad.” I hated how he always felt like he had to be careful when we were talking about this specific subject. I wished we didn’t have to talk about it at all.

“Good,” he grunted. “So tell me what’s been happening and we’ll figure it out together, just like we always do, all right?”

Bah.It was like there was a button, and more tears came out.

“I was in his office just a few minutes ago. He yelled at me, but that’s not important—God knows it’s not the first time—but the things he says…he doesn’t even realize how much he is hurting me. He’s making me feel like a dirty secret. I feel…wrong.”

“Just wait a second—he’s been yelling at you? Why is this the first time I’m hearing about this, Zoe? You promised you’d tell me everything. That was our agreement before you left.”

I bit down on my lip to hold off on saying anything. I could picture him taking off his glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose, just like he always did when he felt troubled.

“I don’t like him yelling at you, let’s get that out of the way first. He doesn’t get to do that, do you hear me?”

“Yes.”

“And I don’t want to hear the words ‘dirty secret’ out of your mouth ever again. If I do, we’ll have a problem. What’s wrong with you? You’re my girl, not his, not in the way that counts, anyway. You’re everything I ever wanted to have in a daughter. I couldn’t be more proud to be your dad.”

“Dad,” I groaned. “You’re making it worse here.” His words were a soothing balm to the fresh wounds Mark had left, and they made me emotional too, just in a different way. I finally raised my head and wiped my nose with the back of my hand.

“Nothing he does or says can make it otherwise. You’ve never been anything but a joy to me. I don’t care if he happens to be your biological father, doesn’t mean one thing to me. I raised you better than this, so why are you letting him hurt you?”

I couldn’t talk through the lump in my throat, so my dad—my hero in everything—continued for me.

“You tried. I know you tried your best to get to know him, but if it’s not working…maybe it’s time to call it. You gave him the benefit of the doubt and waited for him to tell Chris about you. You did everything he wanted, and you’re still doing it, so maybe it’s time for you to do what you want, huh?”

“I can’t tell him,” I croaked out. “I promised Mark today that I wouldn’t tell Chris anything before his last season is over, and I hate it because he’s right, but he’s been manipulating me for years now and I’m just heartbroken.”

“Do you realize that’s been his excuse for the last three years? And how hard is he trying to get to know you? Because I happen to know how many times he’s promised to be somewhere and never showed up.”

“He was at the apartment, last night, Dad.”

“Who? Mark?”

“No…uh, actually, before I tell you about that…please don’t be angry. I didn’t tell you this because I wasn’t sure how you’d react to me living with a stranger, but—”

“Living with a stranger? What are you talking about?”

“Well…apparently one of Mark’s players had some trouble with his roommates and needed a place to stay. I hadn’t told Mark I wasn’t moving in with Kayla yet, so…thinking I wouldn’t be at the apartment…well, he offered it to Dylan.”

Not a sound could be heard from the other end of the line. I’d known he would be pissed, which was one of the reasons I hadn’t been calling him as much as I usually did. I hated having to lie to him.

“I’ve been living with him, with Dylan I mean, this last month, or maybe a bit longer,” I rushed out.

Complete silence. Then, “A month, or maybe a bit longer.”

Wincing, I tapped my forehead against my knees a few times. “Yeah, but he is a really good guy, Dad.” I could’ve told him about the times I’d met him before he moved in, but I didn’t think that would go well at all. Oh, and there was also the time where he held my hand and let me fall asleep on his shoulder when the electricity went out, but again, that wouldn’t go over well.

“Zoe…do you want me to have a heart attack?”

“I’m serious, Dad. I was expecting him to be this…” Ah, how to explain Dylan to my dad who didn’t even know I had a roommate, let alone a roommate who was a football player. “…this completely different person, but he’s not.” A small smile tipped my lips up. “I mean he is different, but in a good way. Actually, I think you’d really like him.”

“I want you to move out, Zoe. I’m coming up there tomorrow and we’ll find another apartment for you.”

It sounded like everything I’d just said had fallen on deaf ears. I let out a heavy sigh. “No, you’re not. I can’t move out, at least not this year. I’ve been saving money, but not enough to move out yet.”

“Stop being so stubborn and let me help you out. I’ll pay your rent.”

“No, Dad. I can’t ask you to do that. You’re still paying off Mom’s hospital bills, and I’m not gonna add to that stress.”

“You’re killing me, here. Do you realize how helpless I’m feeling? You’re not letting me do anything about that Mark. You expect me to sit back and be okay while I’m listening to you cry about things you keep from me, and you’re not letting me help with your living situation—what the hell am I good for then?”

My eyes bulged. My dad never cursed. I wouldn’t really label hell as a curse, but coming from his lips, it might as well have been a heated fuck.

“Dad…I…”

There was a long exhale. “How could you not tell me you’ve been living with a boy, Zoe?” Thinking of Dylan as a boy made my lips twitch. He was most definitely more than just a boy, and he probably had been for a very long time.

“If it was Jared or one of your friends, that would be something else, but a football player? Does he at least have a girlfriend, or maybe a boyfriend? How old did you say he was again?”

“He’s a senior, and sorry for crushing your dreams, but I believe he is straight.” Yeah, I had no doubt about that. “He is Chris’s friend, actually. That’s what I was go—”

“Is he the reason you haven’t been calling me? I thought you’d been swamped with your classes, but are you and this guy—”

“Nope, you don’t even need to finish that sentence. He is too busy to have a girlfriend since he is working hard to go pro, not that I would be interested if he wasn’t busy, or that he’d be interested in me, but—”

“You’re rambling. You like this boy, don’t you?”

“No,” I rushed out, a little too quickly. “No, I don’t.” So why did my voice come out so high-pitched? “We’re actually becoming friends. Maybe you’ll get to meet him if you come to visit. And yes, my classes are picking up. Assignments and the small shoots I’m doing for other students pretty much take up all my time. I’ve also been taking stock photos to sell online, you know, styling little scenes and selling them individually. My photography professor is going to let me know if any of her photographer friends need an assistant for any of their shoots, like weddings or things like that, since I’m interested in portraits more than anything else. So, yes, it’s been really hectic, and that’s the only reason I haven’t had the time to call you. I don’t want you to worry about me. I can handle it—I’ve been handling it. Still, I’m being serious when I say I’m going to move out of his apartment next year. I always thought it was the least he could do—letting me stay there, I mean—but yeah, I don’t want any strings between us, not anymore. I feel like I owe him something, and I don’t like it.”

I was too late to realize my last sentence would set him off again.

“You don’t owe him a single thing—not one thing, Zoe.”

“I know that, I guess, but still, I don’t want any strings. If he won’t tell Chris by January or February… Anyway, I don’t want to talk about Mark anymore. Dylan, on the other hand, I don’t want you to worry about. Yes, he is my roommate, but we barely see each other. Trust me, he is even busier than me”—which was a shame—“so you have nothing to worry about. You know I’d tell you if he was making me uncomfortable or if we were seeing each other. I always tell you stuff like that, you know that.”

“Would you? Because I’ve heard more than a few things you’ve been keeping from me in this phone conversation.”

Touché.

Change the subject, Zoe.

“Uh…what I was trying to tell you earlier…last night two of Dylan’s teammates came to the apartment. One of them was Chris, and I was there…and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know where to put my hands. It was so awkward.”

“You could’ve told him.”

“Dad, I can’t just come out and tell him out of nowhere. Do you forget how I reacted? He’d think I was crazy, and what was I supposed to say, anyway? Oh, hello, I’m your long-lost sister you never knew you had. So, how have you been? Oh, also, the woman you know as your mom is actually not. Do you want to know about your real mother? Besides, I might have stared at him a little too much yesterday, so he might already think I’m missing a few screws.”

“If only your mom could’ve gotten in touch with him before she…then you wouldn’t have to go through all this. She wanted to see him so much.”

I could never tell him my mom was actually more excited about seeing Mark than anything else. She was hopeful, even.

I would never forget the day she told me Ronald Clarke wasn’t my real father. She’d broken my heart that day, and if my dad—because whatever she said, he’d always be my dad, because blood doesn’t make you family, not always—had been in the room with us, she’d have broken his heart too. Maybe she thought I’d be happy to hear that Mark had been the love of her life, and as good as Ronald had been to her, no one could take Mark’s place, the rush of their relationship. Maybe she thought that.

After getting to know the guy, I couldn’t have disagreed with her more.

There were a lot of things I was angry at my mom for, but it would hurt my dad if I voiced any of them. He loved her more than she loved either one of us.

I hated lying to him, but I couldn’t talk about her. “Dad, I have to go. I have a class in ten, and I need to go find Jared before that, so…”

“Okay. Now that I know all your secrets, promise me you’ll call more—and Zoe, no more secrets, okay?”

“Sure. I love you so much, Dad.”

His voice was rough when he replied. “I love you, too, baby.”