Dear Ava by Ilsa Madden-Mills

12

After parking, I turn the corner on the Vanderbilt campus, and she’s already waiting for me. Somewhere in the traffic, I lost her car, and I make a note to be sure I follow her out to wherever she’s parked.

It’s not quite dark yet, so I have a good view, and she hasn’t seen me yet. She’s sitting on the steps in front of a fountain, her head tilted down as she scrolls on her phone. As if she feels me looking, she glances up and pushes a strand of hair out of her face.

“Dude. Why are you just standing there? Come on!” She waves me over.

I huff out a laugh and jog toward her.

“What’s in the backpack? It looks bulky,” she asks, eyeing me.

“Laptop and a surprise.”

“Ohhhh, what is it?”

Her eyes gleam, and now I’m worried she won’t like it.

“Just snacks.”

“Caviar? A good merlot? Perhaps some canapés or cucumber sandwiches?”

“Shut up, Tulip. I brought Snickers and Tic Tacs.”

“Classy.” She grins. “We’ll have to be sneaky—no food allowed.”

I watch her eyes, feeling a buzz in my blood with all the eye contact between us tonight. Usually, over the years, our eyes have met in those short once-overs where we both look away or the long glances from me to her when she’s not looking.

We walk through the open doors of the library and she lets out a little sigh as she takes in the grand foyer, the massive rows of books, the front desk.

I’m watching her—can’t help it. I’m in Ava overload. “You love this place.”

She nods, almost shyly. “It’s a dream to come here. Vandy rarely gives full scholarships, so it’s not likely I’ll be able to afford it, but it would be amazing. They have a killer pre-med program here.” With a deep exhalation, she does a full pirouette and smiles. “Come on, I know where the study rooms are.”

“I get it now. You feel comfortable here and at Lou’s—that’s why you agreed to watching the movie here.”

She shrugs, and I follow her up three flights of stairs until we get to a quiet area—though aren’t they all? This one has cubby areas and small rooms lining the walls. In the middle are tables with students reading or working on their laptops.

She takes the lead and we circle the area while she peers into various rooms.

“All the bigger rooms are taken, so we’ll have to take one of the smaller ones.”

“It’s just the two of us. It will be like we’re in class,” I say.

Only we’ll be alone.

She clears her throat. “Right. This one, then.” She nods at a small space to the right with just enough room for a desk and—

“Dang it. There’s only one chair.” Her arms cross.

“Wanna sit in my lap?” I say the words, but I don’t mean them. It’s a joke. Right?

She flushes. “No. You wanna sit on the floor?”

“I don’t mind. I can drag a chair in here from somewhere,” I offer.

She mulls that over and looks around. Most of the chairs at the tables are taken, and the ones that aren’t have books sitting where a person isn’t.

“We came all this way, and we aren’t just going to give up because we don’t have a chair. The small room is fine. I promise to not touch you.”

“I know. You never touch me,” she murmurs.

A whoosh of air comes out of me, but she isn’t paying attention as she walks inside ahead of me.

“It’s perfect.” I set my laptop on the desk then plop down on the carpeted floor with my back to the wall. “You take the chair. I’ll sit behind you.”

She bites her lips, her hair dipping down. Her eyes glow when she looks up. “You’re so mean.”

“Moi? Why?” I ask dryly.

“Because you brought Snickers and what you really want is for me to sit far, far away so you can eat them all.”

I pull one out and wave it at her.

She snatches the laptop and places it on my legs as she sits next to me on the floor. “Now bring up the movie.” She pauses. “Unless, of course, you’re afraid of being close to me?”

My gaze slides over her carefully, trying not to linger on her bare, long legs, the pink color on her toes. “Fort Knox is afraid of nothing.”

She snorts. “Don’t think I didn’t notice how you didn’t answer my question.” Her legs brush against mine briefly before she scoots over and puts space between us.

“Mmmm.” I click play on Dirty Dancing. Anything to keep her out of my head.

This watching it together thing was your idea, I remind myself.

Several minutes later, I give her a candy bar and take one for myself.

“Yum, dessert. Thanks.” She takes a big bite of hers and smiles.

Shit. Just…shit. Have I ever seen her this close to me, relaxed and smiling?

“No problem.” I look away from her mouth and focus on the movie as Baby tries to dance with Johnny, failing miserably.

Several minutes pass and I pretend to watch, hyperaware of every twitch she makes. Every now and then, her lids lower then pop back open.

“You tired?”

“No.”

I smile at her lie.

“Did you know Kellerman’s is a real place, but it isn’t in the Catskills?” she says quietly as her head leans a little, inches from my shoulder. “I looked it up after you mentioned it in class.”

“Where is it?”

Her gaze refocuses as she blinks. “Virginia, and it’s called something else—Mountain Lake Resort. It looks like a magical place to spend a summer.”

“Where’s your favorite place to vacation?”

She smirks. “Never been out of Nashville, but I’d love to see the ocean some day. Sand between my toes kind of thing. I’ll go when I’m done with college, take Tyler with me. He would flip. Someday.”

I have to look away from her face.

She’s too…sweet.

Vulnerable.

I ease my body away from her, just a few inches. I have no right to be this close to her, not after what I did—

“What was your favorite vacation ever?” she murmurs, interrupting my thoughts.

I don’t even have to think about it. “When I was little, maybe seven, my parents took us skiing in Colorado. They were getting along then, or at least they still seemed like they cared about each other. Dane and I tore up the bunny slopes. Dad loved it too. Mom liked to stay in the cabin and make us hot chocolates when we got back. The snow was beautiful and white and clean. It felt like only good things could happen in a place like that.” I clear my throat. “Honestly, I can’t remember a good vacation since then. My dad started working all the time, my mom was diagnosed with bipolar depression, and then everything else happened.”

There’s a long silence. Johnny and Baby are on the screen, but Ava and I stare at each other.

“Everything else just covered a whole lot of stuff you aren’t saying,” she says softly.

My heart dips. I really don’t want to talk about Mom and the final straw that tore her down. It’s too close to what happened to Ava. “Tulip, don’t… Let’s just watch the movie.”

At first, I think she’s going to press me, but something she sees on my face changes her mind.

“Of course.” She turns back to the screen and the moment is gone.

Time passes, and I watch the movie, or do I? The images are there, but she’s here, and my muscles are wired, and why did I want to do this and why am I torturing myself with someone I can never have?

I don’t want to even be her friend.

So why do I want to know her favorite color?

What’s in that locket she clutches?

What makes her happy?

Why does she love tomatoes?

I glance down at the notebook she’s been half-heartedly writing in, reading her notes.

Who calls a grown woman Baby?

Awkward, but opinionated. She’s the real hero. Courageous. Forces her family to see what she sees.

Johnny is hot. Dude can dance. He’s kind. Cares for his friends. Men should be kind. Kisses AMAZING. Dang. He knows how to look at a woman. And dance. Heard he was a ballet dancer in real life.

Romantic aspect: First love. Love in adversity. Love between opposites. Palpable chemistry, that’s for damn sure…

And then the pen falls out of her hand, her body sways, just a little, coming closer, and her head bobs forward, then back to the wall, then she’s lying on my shoulder. Out cold.

The room is hot. Fucking stifling.

My hands clench.

So close.

So damn close to me.

A broken girl.

A fierce girl.

Just for me.

God, how I want that.

Her body shifts imperceptibly closer to mine until the side of her face presses against my chest. The final scene plays as the staff dance and Johnny catches Baby when she does that fancy jump thing. I barely notice—hell, I’m barely breathing when the credits roll, and I still haven’t moved five minutes later, afraid to jostle her, to lose how good she feels, the warmth of her arm against mine, the scent of her hair in my face.

Moving slowly, my hand touches her hair, my finger drifting over the edge of her jaw. So delicate. So soft. Sliding a strand of hair behind her ear, my head goes back to last year when she was in that tub at Chance’s and I was…well, doing what I was doing. I was so pissed and angry at myself, at her, watching her dance, with him, driving myself nuts imagining them doing more. She was his, and I’m an asshole, but I’d never hurt my best friend.

My hand caresses her nape, that delicate skin under her hair—

“What! What did I miss?!” She jerks back, wiping at her face, shuffling away from me.

And she’s gone.

My hand falls. I can’t look at her, so I stare at the laptop.

“Crap! Did I miss the ending?” She blows out a breath.

Inhaling, I say, “It’s over, Tulip.”

And I don’t mean just the movie. I have to shut down this rollercoaster she’s put me on.

A sound of frustration comes from her lips. “Ugh! I was wiped out! First week of school and work and Tyler and school…” She pauses as a small bell dings in the room. “And they’re closing in fifteen minutes! We didn’t even talk about the movie!” She stands up, hands on her hips as she paces as much as she can in the room. “What now?” She checks her phone. “It’s almost ten and the entrance at the dorms will be locked—”

I finally move when my legs feel steady, standing up next to her. “Come on, I’ll walk you to your car. Don’t worry about the notes. We’ll figure it out in class.”

She frowns, gathering her backpack. “We can sit on the steps outside the library, on the fountain where there’s plenty of light, and go over—”

“No.”

“Why not? I’m not sleepy anymore. I can call Wyatt, and he’ll open a side door for me—”

“No.”

She pauses, tilting her face up, looking at mine. Granite. I’m stone. Have to be.

Her shoulders rise. “I see.”

I stuff my laptop in my backpack and gather up our trash from the snacks.

She watches me. “Are you pissed because I fell asleep?”

“I just need to go, charity case.”

Her lips thin. “We could have done this over the freaking phone.”

But she’s talking to my back because I’m already walking out the door and holding it open for her.

Our eyes meet. Hers are a stormy sea. Mine are…shit, they’re cold, I hope.

She takes a little breath, straightens her shoulders, and slides past me. I inhale, just one more time, just a hint of vanilla.

“I have to go…check on Dane.” Which is true. He sent me several texts already, asking where I am. He’s home alone, and I haven’t responded, and that isn’t like me.

She doesn’t reply and I follow her, keeping a step between us as we go down the three flights of stairs, moving past other students on their way out. She walks with her shoulders rolled back, confident, like she belongs here—nothing like Camden where she alternates between forced viciousness and that vulnerable bend in her frame.

She smiles at someone who catches her eye, a guy, and he turns around backward to watch her ass. Giving him a withering glance, I continue on, catching up to her until we’re side by side.

We exit, past the steps, past the trickling fountain, all the way out to the parking lot, to her car. Neither of us speak.

She opens her door, throws her backpack in the passenger side, and starts to get in then stops and pivots to face me.

Her chest rises. “What is wrong with you? You wanted to do this. You wanted us to watch it together. Why are you such a dick—” Her eyes widen and she reaches out a hand and touches my chest. Confusion clouds her face. “Knox, why…why are you shaking?”

Her palm flattens to my heart, and I wonder if she can feel how fast it’s beating.

My mouth dries. I blink. I might pass out.

We just stare at each other, and the night is warm, and her hand is hot, electric sparks firing from her to me. I think if you tell yourself something enough, over and over again, just maybe you can make it come true. I can’t have her. I can’t have this. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

I’ll settle for me. For Dane. For football.

Your life is so fucked up,a dark voice insists, laughing mirthlessly.

If only you’d staked a claim before Chance.

If only…

I jerk away from her and she gapes at me, shaking her head in confusion.

“Knox?”

I look away from her and stare at my feet. Familiar shame and guilt ride me hard, slugging at my heart, ripping it apart.

I left her.

I fucking left her because I was upset because she kissed her boyfriend.

How messed up is that?

I want her.

I fucking do.

But you can’t take a beautiful, soft flower and crush it under your cleats, not when she’s halfway to broken already.

“Tulip…” I push out, and I don’t even know what I’m going to say, but she ignores me, because I’ve stood here like an idiot for too long.

She’s in her car and “You Need to Calm Down” blares from her speakers. Wearing a frown, she pulls out, and me…I’m just standing there, watching her taillights.