Daddy’s Angel by K.A Knight

Lexi

It’s been a week since I saw him, and I thought it would get easier each day, but it doesn’t. We left things so badly between each other, I don’t feel like I ever got to say my piece or gain closure on it, so instead, it lingers inside me.

Festering.

I know deep down Tyler was my person. The person. Our love transcends emotions and thoughts, we were meant to be. It’s so much deeper than just love, we’re soulmates, and even though we aren’t together anymore, I know my heart will always be his.

No one will ever replace Tyler Phillips, and that hurts.

He’s not mine anymore and probably never will be again, and somehow, I have to learn to live with that. To deal with the pain that the mere thought of him brings, and every memory, every touch, and even every scent I catch that reminds me of him.

My heart is broken, but the world doesn’t stop. I have to go back to work, back to life, and pretend I’m okay, pretend every smile doesn’t hurt, and that when I look into my dressing room mirror, I don’t see a broken stranger staring back at me.

I might have been better off not knowing what this kind of connection and love felt like, but even as I ponder that, it feels wrong. It’s a lie. How could anyone experience such love, passion, and connection, and hate it simply because it’s over? It’s like never experiencing the sun or the rain. Without seeing it, feeling it, you have nothing else to compare it to, and you are missing a vital experience.

You have to love and be heartbroken to truly live, otherwise you’re just drifting through life, not experiencing everything it has to offer.

I’m in the bathroom cleaning up my face when the door opens. At first, I don’t even glance up, but when I don’t hear it shut again…when I feel eyes on me, something spins me around. My mouth opens and closes as I meet those dark, familiar eyes. They are determined tonight, even if they are shadowed, and those lips I know better than my own are tipped up slightly as he stares at me.

His black hair is slicked back, his beard is trimmed and groomed again, and his body is encased in grey slacks and a white shirt. He looks incredible, and my heart instantly twinges, even as my pussy clenches, uncaring that he hurt me because it wants him. Always does, no matter what, because I belong to him, now and forever, my daddy.

We stare silently, just drinking each other in. It’s been a week, a week, that’s it. A week that felt like years, but now looking at him, it’s like no time has passed at all, as if we could just fall back into each other’s arms like nothing happened.

But I remind myself it did, it happened, and I can’t just drop to my knees before him and return to worshiping him. It’s awkward now. I don’t know what to say, what to do.

He steps forward, and the door shuts behind him, those dark eyes locking me in place. “Angel,” he murmurs, his voice dark and deep, that sensual tone that speaks of satin sheets, bodies coming together, and so much pleasure that I remember how good it was.

One word, and I’m his.

I’m weak.

“Tyler,” I reply, my voice hoarse and mouth dry. I wet my lips, and his dark gaze follows the movement, flaring for a moment with familiarity and need. I step back, wrapping my arms around my waist, trying to protect myself from him.

He can so easily break me, so effortlessly ruin me, and I would let him with a smile on my face.

“Are you okay?” he asks, looking me over. Even now, even after everything that has gone down, he’s worried about me. Always trying to protect me, to ensure my happiness and safety. I know he wounded me in a moment of weakness, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

It just means it’s confusing.

I hate this distance between us, this awkwardness, and in his eyes, I see the same feelings. Everything is usually so easy for us, right and perfect. For so long, we have been drawn together, pulled together by fate—or the universe or simply desire—but now that thread is fraying, ready to snap. One of us just has to be strong enough to cut it, because all that’s holding it together right now is pain and grief and what could have been.

“I could ask you that. Have you slept?” I inquire, genuinely worried.

He shrugs, rubbing at his face. “Some. It’s hard,” he admits.

“I know. I’m sorry, Ty,” I murmur, and he drops his hands. His eyes are glassy and shining with unshed tears.

“I miss you, Angel. I know I shouldn’t be here after what I did, but-but I couldn’t help myself. I’m weak when it comes to you.”

“You’re not the only one,” I mutter.

He steps forward, and I can’t step back, I just can’t. He moves closer again, almost pressing against me, and for a moment, I lean into him. I forget everything but the way he smells, the heat of his body, and the feel of his hand stroking along my cheek.

But Tyler’s love never just made me weak, it made me strong too. It made me think more deeply, made me look at myself in a different light, and right now, I don’t like the person I am.

“Ty, don’t,” I beg in almost the same tone I used when I asked him not to break my heart…but now I’m asking for him to not try and fix it.

I need this pain, I need to be broken so I can heal again.

His forehead presses to mine. “I can’t help myself, never could when you were involved,” he whispers raggedly. I feel his tears dripping onto my cheeks then, each one like a fracture of my heart. We are just two broken, hurting people right now. But this isn’t right, and if this is how we carry on, this will never be love. It will be need. “Come back to me, Angel. Come back to me, Lexi… I miss you so fucking much. I need you. I need you to sleep, to live. I’m so fucking sorry for what I did. I thought I was saving you from me, but instead, I was just damning us both.”

Maybe if he had said anything other than ‘need,’ I might have said yes. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t. I can’t do this.

Maybe when we’re ready, we will meet again.

We were just two souls that were once so interconnected that it was hard to tell the difference, but now we are strangers. Isn’t it sad how quickly that happens? How you can go from talking to someone every day to never again? From knowing every inch of their life, celebrating their successes, and wallowing in their failures with them…to nothing?

Just two passing people on the streets, who will one day only nod in greeting.

“I can’t be your angel, Tyler. Not when I’m anchored to the ground with so much pain. You hurt so much because you’re mourning for our love too, what could have been our future. You hurt me, I hurt you. We are both broken and in pain, but I can’t be who you need me to be right now. I just can’t. I will always love you, always be here for you, but we both need to heal. We can’t do that together. We just can’t. This isn’t love, this is blinding agony that we’re trying to drown in need and desire, and we both deserve more.”

“Angel,” he breathes. There is so much pain in his voice that I have to step back before I fall to my knees and beg for his forgiveness.

I might be his angel, but in this moment, he’s my devil. He made me fall from grace and worship at his feet, he made me fall into darkness and pain, but also such desire and love that it still burns across my skin.

I would have done anything to stay, to protect him and love him…but I can’t now. I owe myself more, even though it hurts to walk away, even though it makes me feel guilty for leaving him when he needs me. I have to focus on my own agony and healing. I can’t be what he needs me to be, I have to put myself first.

I have to love myself before anyone else can, otherwise the bar is set very low. How can I know what I deserve if I don’t even appreciate who and what I am? They could put very little effort in, and it would make me happy because I wouldn’t think I deserved more. Loving yourself always has to come first, and maybe that’s why I’ve had so many failed relationships. Maybe that’s why Justin was able to hurt me so much, and why I accepted so much in that relationship.

Because I didn’t think I deserved better.

There could be nothing further from the truth. I know I deserve better, deserve the love Tyler offered me. But how can I accept that and give the same amount of love back when I’m not loving myself? When I still believe I’m that girl who deserves to be cheated on and unhappy, because it’s easier than admitting I couldn’t look in the mirror and love myself.

But I do now.

I’ve been through so much in this life. I have been hurt, betrayed, and broken. I have loved and laughed so much, it hurts. My body can hold life, it can do incredible things. No matter the scars or tape that holds it together, I need to love every single inch, inside and out, and accept myself fully before anyone else ever can.

We accept the love we believe we deserve. I never truly accepted Tyler’s love, because I always thought I didn’t deserve it, as if the other shoe would drop at any moment, and now that it has, I realise just how truly confused I am inside. I’m young, I don’t need to have it all together, but I do need to be able to be alone.

To be able to be me without someone on my arm or in my bed.

And right now, I need to do that. I need to focus on me, even if it means leaving him when he needs me. If we get back together now, I will always be the girl whose heart he broke when things got hard, who just sat around crying and waiting for him to crook his fingers before I came crawling back.

We need to be equals, partners.

And that means breaking his heart in return.

He falls to his knees before me, just like I did in this very same bathroom not too long ago. This time, it’s me destroying him. “Please,” is all he rasps, even though I see the truth in his eyes. He knows this is over.

“Goodbye, Tyler,” I whisper, and then I allow myself a moment of weakness. I cup his cheeks and memorise those eyes before leaning in and kissing him softly. “I will always love you, Daddy, and maybe we could have been something magnificent, but we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe our time will come again, maybe it won’t, but I will never forget the love and happiness I found with you. Even if I knew it would end in such pain, I would do it all over again just to have you… I forgive you, Tyler Phillips, and I love you.” I kiss him once more, our tears mingling in our goodbye, and then pull away before grabbing my bag and leaving him there on his knees.

Begging.

I feel him staring at me, his tears still wetting my cheeks and his taste lingering on my lips—his heart in my hands.

I shattered his already broken heart, but now I finally have closure.

I can finally move on with my life. I can finally become who I am inside.

No more games, no more hiding or embarrassment.

Life is too short not to live in every single second of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. To embrace it all and the lessons it offers you. Because I will never be that girl or as young as I was in that moment.

And life, life is so fleeting. Look at how quickly Justin’s was taken.

No, life is a beautiful, ugly mess, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.