Pretty Reckless by L.J. Shen

Falling in love is similar to déjà vu

It’s finding a home in a stranger

When I met you four and a half years ago, I saw who you were

I just had to figure out who I was

So I gave you something to make sure I could seek you out again

And that maybe, you’ll fall in love with whoever I was, too

Ikeep my head down as the cheer team storms onto the field, waving their pompoms in the air. Dad calls it a huge victory that I’m here. I call it asking for more trouble.

The huge, plastic smiles on the girls’ faces say it all. I’m out. Via’s in. Our blue and black uniform clings to her lithe body like a second skin. She dazzles so bright, Esme positioned her as far as possible from the center. Far away from her. I feel naked without my pompoms. I long to feel them in my hands but know it’s too late for me. My cheer days are over, at least in high school.

Mel pretends to rummage through her bag, but I know she just can’t look at Via. Surprisingly, it doesn’t make me feel good. Or at all. I’m a taco. A crisp, empty shell.

Melody doesn’t leave my side even though I refuse her love, care, and silent apologies. Bailey visits my room every morning with a tray containing a glass of OJ, a piece of toast with egg whites, and a cute inspirational quote she prints out from Pinterest, and Dad sweetens my nights by coming in and giving me a good night kiss to keep me going. He always peppers it with reminiscing about a good memory to remind me that good times are still to come.

Remember when Knight drew a rocket on your forehead when you were kids, and I almost murdered him thinking it was something else?

Remember when Vaughn walked around on the beach with a live jellyfish in his hand and declared it as his new pet?

Remember when Luna thought you were a princess because of your hair?

It is an unspoken truth that Melody can no longer give me good night kisses.

Daddy says it’s a good thing. That when things get destroyed, you can build a better version of them from scratch. But building takes strength and courage, and I don’t have either right now.

Esme is doing a toe touch, and Via follows by pulling a perfect Herkie. Mel clasps my skinny jean-clad thigh. I’m wearing a yellow top, no longer affiliated with either team. Things have been crazy since Principal Prichard stepped down abruptly, citing a morbidly sick relative he had to take care of on the East Coast. Word around town is I quit the cheer team because I’m nursing a broken heart. While it’s true, everyone thinks it’s Principal Prichard I am pining after.

No one suspects the boy who is about to get on the field today is the one who smashed my heart into dust, and now it’s drifting in the air, evaporating from me. No one knows what I’ve been through ever since that boy admitted his love to me, and I couldn’t take him back, no matter how much I want to. Being sorry for breaking something doesn’t make it whole again.

“Don’t look at them,” Mel whispers, squeezing my thigh. “They aren’t worth it.”

“Let go of my leg, Melody.”

She does. Dad is clapping when both teams get on the field even though I know he wants to snap Gus’s spine. Las Juntas is sporting a brand-new quarterback, who looks like a whopping one hundred pounds of bones, and people actually snicker from the bleachers. I feel bad for the kid. And I used to be the mean girl who’d be the first to point out that he isn’t built like a brick wall.

The game starts, and as soon as Penn goes on the field, it is clear he is shitting all over the game. Blatantly so. He doesn’t even do it gradually. My heart lurches in my chest as Penn pretends to struggle with dropped passes, dragging his feet from side to side. He is immobile and doesn’t catch the ball even when it hits him in the chest.

Literally.

He is lagging on the field, heavy and dense, the opposite of the talented player he is. His teammates yell in frustration, one of them kicking a mountain of mud. On the sidelines, his coach is on the verge of a heart attack, but Penn pretends not to listen. Tucked in his own universe, he keeps missing balls, looking the other way in confusion when he gets an opportunity, and stopping every few minutes to lean down on his knees as if he is out of breath.

Mid-game, Penn’s coach summons them, probably coming up with a new strategy, and Penn nods and looks attentive and determined. But then when he gets back on the field again—he is looking even worse.

Then there’s Knight. Dean is almost spitting out a lung screaming next to Dad in the stands. Wondering aloud why on earth his quarterback son just missed a chance at a touchdown by throwing the ball to the sideline.

“What the heck is going on?” Dean kicks the bleacher seat in front of him, and an overweight, fifty-something father turns around and looks at him sharply.

“Your son plays like shit.”

“Least he doesn’t smell like it,” Dean retorts.

“I think I know what’s happening,” Dad murmurs wryly. “And you can be damn proud, Cole.”

“And why is that? En-fucking-lighten me, Jaime.”

Because Knight refuses to win the game. Penn is trying to kill Las Juntas’ chance to win so he can save me, but Knight doesn’t let him because he knows he deserves it.

Knight is privy to another thing, too. He knows I’m done here.

I’m leaving town tomorrow. I have nothing to win, and nothing to lose. Which is exactly why I find myself standing up and descending the bleachers. I don’t know what I’m doing. All I do know is I’m definitely going to draw attention to myself, something I vowed not to do since I got kicked off the cheer team and Principal Prichard bailed, leaving a trail of scandalous rumors about us in his wake. I run down the stairs, hop over the fence, plant myself on the sidelines next to All Saints High’s coach. With my toes on the grass and the heel of my feet on the concrete, I cup my mouth with both hands.

“Penn Scully, if you’re half the man I know you are, you will show up on this field,” I scream.

All eyes dart to me. Penn, who is already pacing slow, stops completely, tearing his helmet off and dumping it on the field, his hard eyes colliding with mine.

“Number twenty-two!” The referee throws the yellow penalty flag for unsportsmanlike conduct. “Your team loses fifteen yards.”

“Scully!” His coach barks, “I will bench you.”

“Be my fucking guest.” Penn’s lips curl in amusement, our gaze never breaking.

I feel naked and raw and judged. The world continues spinning, and the game carries on. The ball went over on downs, and now Knight has it. Las Juntas are on the defense, but Penn is still glued to his spot, mesmerized by the pleas in my eyes. The cheerleaders stop dancing on the sidelines and throw me a pitying look. I know what they think.

It finally happened. Bitch has lost her mind.

I smile, free-falling into being someone different. Someone imperfect. Someone real. Unchaining myself from what people think of me, of how they see me, of what they will say after the game.

“I want you to bury these assholes in the ground.” My lungs burn as I scream the words, a deranged smile threatening to cut my cheeks in half, but I’m not even remotely happy. I’m going against my team—against the Saints, whom I cheered on for four years. I can hear footfalls coming. Two of All Saints High’s teachers who act as security—Miss Linde and Mr. Hathaway—take me by my wrists and usher me away from the field. Daddy jumps over the fence, lithe and athletic like one of the football players, and tears Mr. Hathaway’s hand from mine.

“Touch my daughter against her will one more time, and I will bury you with legal shit until your retirement day.”

“Twenty-two!” I hear whistling, and Penn’s coach is practically storming onto the field, but our eyes never waver. “Twenty-goddamn-two! Put your damn helmet on, boy!”

“Penn!” I cry out.

He is breaking approximately five thousand rules by talking to me in the middle of the game, and now everyone stops. Gus kicks the grass, cursing. He puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head. Dad’s arms wrap around my waist, dragging me away from the field and back up to the bleachers.

“Can you do something for me?” I scream at Penn. My legs are not moving, but I’m laughing manically. Penn nods. “Make them eat dirt!”

The whole crowd boos at me as Daddy grabs Melody and Bailey, and we all make a hurried exit before I get burned at the stake. Dad hooks his arm around my shoulder as we stumble out the gates, drawing me close and kissing my head.

“My crazy, out-of-this-world daughter. And you thought you were anything less than fierce.”

People are apples. Good apples. Bad apples. Too ripe or too raw. Hard or soft. Sweet or sour. And in every apple, there’s a core. A heart. Something that makes them uniquely themselves.

My mother once told me that she wasn’t worried for Via because my core is security. I’m the protector. I sheltered Via when no one else wanted to, and now, when Daria is begging me to take what is mine—this win, this game, the championship—and my teammates are spitting out sweat and blood to try to make it happen, and Knight Cole gets pasted to save my skin, I can’t do it.

Protecting Via was a duty. Protecting Daria is an honor.

I pretend to trip on my own feet yet again after Daria and her family leave the stadium. The cheers and catcalls turn to boos and cusses. Then it’s halftime. In other words: Time for Coach to rip me a new one. We get off the field with a stellar lead—28 to 14, but it’s nothing I can’t screw up if I try even harder.

“Scully!” Coach Higgins roars so loud, his voice bounces off the huge projectors. “Get your ass over here right now!” He points at the ground.

I swagger toward him as slowly as humanly possible, tearing the helmet off my head and brushing past him as I continue to the locker room. He tugs at the back of my jersey and pulls me back to him. Everyone else drifts through the tunnel and into the lockers, and he motions for them to continue as he plasters me against the tunnel wall, snarling.

“Are you losing my game on purpose, son?”

Any other guy would take what Daria so generously offered and show up to the game the next half and kick ass. Not me. I don’t care what Daria wants, and I don’t care that she won’t be there on Monday to see the pages of her journal plastered on every locker and square inch of the school. She doesn’t deserve this shit.

“Sir, I lost focus. For that, I apologize.” I tell him whatever he needs to hear to keep me on the field.

“Because of the pretty blonde?” he spits out.

“Because of an asshole blond guy,” I correct, jerking my chin toward Gus, who is making his way to ASH’s locker room. “Fucker has been shoving Josh’s pads into his throat. Dude still tapes quarters to his knuckles like it’s the fucking nineties.” I let out a bitter cough of laughter.

“Language!” he yells. “And I don’t care what you feel toward Bauer. If you let him get to you, you will never get drafted. You will never make it big. You will never be NFL ready. Just another poor boy with a lot of potential and no brains who is throwing a game because someone said something about his girlfriend. You think she’s gonna stick around after the jock glory wears off? When y’all go to college? You think she’s worth your future? Your team’s future? My future?”

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes.

I shake my head, shouldering past him. He chases me down the tunnel, his voice carrying the echo of the cave-like place.

“Answer me, son!”

I storm to the locker room. I’m done explaining myself. Especially to the man who told me to stay away from my girlfriend so that Prichard could abuse her.

Ex-girlfriend. Fuck.

Lowering myself to a bench and releasing my breath, I watch as Coach Higgins enters the room and slams his fist into a locker, making a huge dent. When he withdraws his hand, his knuckles are bruised and bloody.

“Every single one of you rowdy idiots is like my own kid. Someone needs to step forward and tell me what happened to your captain, or I’m benching the hell out of him and making sure every single phone call I get from colleges about any of y’all will be met with the same response: he is not good enough. He is not ready. Don’t give him the scholarship. In other words, if you don’t rat out Penn and tell me what his problem is, you go down with him, understood?”

“Yes, sir!” everyone answers in unison. I chew on my mouthguard and stare at the floor. Maybe they know. Maybe they’ll rat me out, and that’ll be the end of my career. All I know is that I’ve never been more sure of anything my entire life as I am sure of this—I’m not bringing Daria down, with or without her blessing.

“So,” Higgins screams, “what happened to Penn Scully?”

“Nothing, sir!”

“What happened?” he screams.

“Nothing, sir!” they all bark at the same time. I should feel proud. Touched. Something. Anything. I don’t. I fucking don’t. It’s too late.

“I will ruin your goddamn football careers, boys!” He punches the lockers again. And again. And again.

“Penn Scully is our captain, sir.”

For the first time in weeks, I smile.

I have Daria’s back.

And my team’s got mine.