Escorting the Actress by Leigh James
Lowell
"I shouldn't be drinkingthis," I said through a mouthful of delicious tequila and salt. "Too many calories."
"Do not let those assholes get to you," my best friend, Tori, said. She pushed one of her dark-brown curls off her face, fuming. "You're not fat. I don't care what the stupid director said."
"He didn't say I was fat—he said my ass looked like it might weigh too much. Not that it did weigh too much, but that it looked like it might weigh too much," I said and took another rebellious gulp of my drink. "And he's not just a stupid director. He's a stupid successful director. Lucas Dresden is a Hollywood god. And he told me that my ass needs to look like it weighs less before we start shooting those chase scenes on the beach."
Tori looked as if smoke was about to pour out of her ears. It was good that we were in a crowded bar in Venice or she would probably have started yelling a litany of obscenities about Lucas Dresden, my dick director.
"What did you say?" she asked, showing remarkable restraint.
"I said okay." I didn't tell her that I'd gone into my trailer and cried afterward. I was worried I was going to get fired from this film, then my career would be over.
I couldn't let that happen.
I grimaced and took another sip of my margarita. "The thing is, my ass is my ass. It likes to be a certain size. Starving myself for the next two weeks won't make it a whole lot smaller."
"Your bum is perfect," Tori said. "I'm so tired of the people you work with. And the press? It's sick, the things they say about you. If I thought you would, I'd tell you to quit."
"I'm not quitting." First of all, I wasn't a quitter. I wanted to be a successful actress, and when I wanted something, I pushed everything else to the side, worked hard, and got it. Second, I had to support my mother, and she was expensive.
Still, after the past few weeks, I would have taken a long vacation to Cabo if I could've. Just the other day, my photo had been on one of the gossip websites. In it, I was heading into the gym with a scowl and a big bag thrown over my shoulder. The headline read: Lowell B Takes Fight Against Fat to LA Gym.
I groaned inwardly, remembering all the remonstrative texts I'd gotten from my agent when that went viral.
My problems were mounting. There was my ass to deal with. The press were hounding me, and I was apparently unable to smile at them.
On top of that, I had a new movie, Hearts Wide Open, coming out at the end of the summer. With the recurring pictures of me heading to the gym, the producers had reached out. They wanted me to "slim down, tighten up, and dress appropriately sexy" for our upcoming promotional events.
I'd had a few things to say about that. Then the producers had a few things to say back, which included phrases such as "breach of contract" and "never work with this studio again."
I'd called my agent, Shirley Feener, who'd advised me to shut my mouth immediately. And to hit the gym with a smile and buy some appropriately sexy clothes. So I had a press junket coming up, and I wasn't happy about it.
"It's been a rough couple of weeks," I mumbled.
Tori pushed another margarita toward me.
"I really shouldn't," I mumbled again. After a nanosecond of hesitation, I changed my mind and chugged some of it.
"I'm driving," Tori said, holding up her seltzer in salute. "Drink up, girl."
I did as I was told. I was practicing that, and I needed all the practice I could get.
"Oh, fuck me," Tori said an hour later. She pulled the car over.
I was pretty hammered at that point, but I was alert enough to notice the blue flashing lights all around us.
"Huh? Whad'd you do?" My voice came out thick and foamy, tequila and a sudden burst of adrenaline roiling in my stomach.
"I think I might have forgotten to update my registration," she said.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," I said, annoyed with her and that we were being pulled over. "Are you sure you went to Stanford? Y'all need to keep up with things." I gripped my seat. I wasn't sure, but it seemed as if maybe the car was spinning a little.
An officer came up beside us, peering into the car with a flashlight. "License and registration, please."
Tori fumbled in the glove compartment and shakily handed him her papers. The officer looked at them briefly then shined the flashlight directly in my face.
"Hey, I thought I recognized you. You're that actress." He looked at me for a beat. "I just saw a picture of you online. Didn't do you justice. You're much prettier in person."
I glared at him. "Am I s'pposed to say thank you? For thass ass-backward compliment?" I sounded slurry and mean. The car was definitely spinning now. Or maybe it was my head—I couldn't be sure.
Fucking margaritas.
"Um, I didn't mean any disrespect, miss," the officer said contritely.
Tori was frozen next to me. "Lo"—her voice held a warning tone—"he didn't say anything wrong. He was actually being nice. Just be cool."
"Don't you tell me whas to do!" I yelled at her.
She looked at me with wide eyes, shaking her head as if to say Oh shit or No, please stop! Or both. Probably both.
"I'm outta here." I unbuckled my seat belt and heard the police officer sigh.
Tori sucked in her breath next to me. I rarely drank too much, but when I did, I sometimes got belligerent. Usually there was tequila to blame. Tori didn't know that, but I did. I should have known better.
Shoulda woulda coulda,I sing-songed inside my dizzy head.
It was too late now.
I opened the car door.
"Miss, I need you to stay restrained and inside the vehicle," the officer said.
"Whys y'all always telling me what to do?" My voice was twisted and thick.
"I'm not. I'm asking you—no, I'm telling you—to just stay buckled in the car. Your friend's registration is expired. I'll give her a warning, and you two can be on your way." He sounded professional and almost apologetic, which just made me feel more confused and angry.
"Don't you try to make this all okay. Like you're a dad or something. And we're a couple of Girl Scouts. Are you mansplaining? Are you a mansplainer, ossifer?" I yelled.
"No, miss, I'm just trying to get you girls home safe." The officer sounded exasperated. He probably wished he'd never pulled us over.
I was gonna make sure of that. Because I was on a tequila rage-spiral. I climbed out of the car and marched toward the officer. "I'm so tired of this bullshit. I got too many mansplainers in my life."
"Lo, no!" Tori yelled.
I ignored her, stomping to the driver's side where the officer was standing. He watched me with a mixture of regret, annoyance, and mild amusement as I stopped and swayed in front of him. I noticed another officer with him, still in the cruiser—a woman in her forties. She got out and came toward me warily, as if I was a dog who might bite, her hand on the handle of the firearm in her belt.
"You okay, Scott?" she asked.
"I think so," Officer Scott said. "I think I upset this young lady. She's an actress, and I made a comment about her appearance. I think she's feeling a little… belligerent."
"I'm not belligerent," I corrected him. "I'm tired of mansplainers!"
He said to me, "I'm sorry, miss. But I recognized you and was trying to say something nice. Sometimes those pictures don't show how pretty you are. You've always got this scowl on your face."
I scowled at him, and he coughed.
"Right. I'm not making this any better, am I? Deborah, please take over for me. You should go home and sleep it off, miss." He took Tori's papers back to the cruiser to check them.
Officer Deborah scowled at me. "You need to get back in the car." Her tone was no-bullshit, firm.
"No," I said stubbornly. I felt the world spinning around me. "This is a protest. I'm tired of the way this town operates. Every. Little. Thing. Y'all gotta give me a hard time." When I was really drunk and really angry, a bit of the Texas twang I'd worked so hard, with numerous speech coaches, to rid myself of came back.
"Your friend's registration isn't up to date," Officer Deborah said, looking at me as if I had three heads. "This has nothing to do with giving you a hard time. In fact, you're the only one who's giving anyone a hard time around here."
"Do you know who I am?" I pointed at my chest so hard that I knocked myself back a little. "The whole world's givin' me a hard time right now. You know why? 'Cause I'm a woman. And every single mansplainer out there wants to tell me not to scowl. What type of dress to wear. What size my ass should be. And I'm tired of it, you hear?" I stepped closer and almost fell over. Regaining my balance, I leaned toward her conspiratorially. "You understand what I'm sayin', donchoo?"
"Are you asking me if I understand what you're saying because I'm a woman?" she asked.
"That's right," I said, wobbling. "That's absofuckinglutely what I'm asking you."
Then I leaned over and threw up all over the road.
Officer Deborah took a careful step back and watched as I retched again. "Of course I understand. I've been a cop for twenty years. I've worked with every mansplainer on the force, and I've arrested my fair share of them too."
I looked up at her, and suddenly all the belligerence went out of me, along with the toxic tequila I was spewing all over the road. Now all I felt was morbidly embarrassed and desperately in need of my toothbrush.
"You want to deal with the mansplainers? Start by keeping your shit together," she said. "Last time I checked, getting drunk and hysterical was the opposite of helpful. And please don't puke on my shoes. I just polished them."
