Do You Dare? by Lylah James

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Maddox

Hate is a strong word.

It’s a bitter but sweet fucking poison. It’s like cocaine, and once you’ve had a taste, it’s damn addictive. It becomes something more. It infiltrates your system, running through your veins until you can’t see anything other than red rage.

Hate kept me going.

Rage kept me alive. It became the oxygen I breathed.

See, I didn’t hate my parents.

I loathed them.

I wasn’t angry at them. No, it was something more. The rage festered over the years. I tended to it, watered it and watched it grow into something nasty and ugly.

Years ago, I found out it was easy to hate but so damn difficult to love.

But no matter how deep my hatred ran for them, though, I still looked into their eyes and hoped to see something more. Love for the child they brought into this fucked-up world and forgot to look after. Me.

My mother and I stood opposite of each other in the hallway of our home. She had a cashmere shawl wrapped around her shoulders and the moonlight shone through the window, casting a glow on her face. I was the carbon copy of my father, but I had my mother’s eyes. I waited for her to acknowledge me, I waited for her to smile and say a few words. I waited to see if she’d ask me if I ate today or if she wondered how school was. Something simple, something small… but something other than silence.

It had been two weeks since we saw each other. We lived in the same goddamn house, but my parents were never here.

She clenched her shawl tighter to her body and walked toward me. It was way past midnight; I had come home late, yet again, after partying with Colton and the boys. I smelled of alcohol, weed and the scent of cigarette was heavy in the air, clinging to my clothes.

Her eyes met mine for a half second before she averted her gaze. Her lips parted as if she wanted to speak, and my heart thudded so hard in my chest as I waited.

The look on her face told me she didn’t hate me, maybe she even cared… but when she closed her mouth and walked past me, I realized… she didn’t care enough.

My heart plummeted to my feet, bloody and weeping, as mommy dearest walked over it and walked away from me.

I marched to my bedroom and slammed the door close, knowing full well my parents wouldn’t hear. I was on the opposite side of the house, the distance between us too big.

The bottle of liquor, sitting patiently on my nightstand, called to me.

I wasn’t an addict, but I needed it. Tonight, at least.

Grabbing the bottle, I sank into my couch and watched the shadow dancing over my walls in my dark room. I took a long swig of the bottle, feeling the sweet burn in my throat. Fuck yeah.

Rage… Hate… I breathed it in.

My head swam, the air was thick and hot.

To everyone, I was Maddox Coulter – the golden boy, star quarterback and Berkshire’s king.

To my parents, I was a disappointment.

To myself? I was just the boy trapped in the closet.

Hate was cold fire; there was no warmth from it.

My eyes fluttered close. Before I became lost in the space between sleep and consciousness, a mouthy girl with pretty brown eyes and black hair came to haunt me.

I slowly smiled.

Fuck, she was something else.

***

Lila

The next day, I walked through the halls of Berkshire as if I was on display. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought I forgot to wear clothes this morning, but no, I was definitely dressed. Their eyes burned into the back of my head, and the whispers followed me. They made no attempt to hide their curiosity; some of them – Maddox’s fangirls -- even looked at me with open distaste.

Shit. Now what?

Riley popped next to me out of nowhere and gripped my arm. “You owe me an explanation,” she hissed in my ear.

Confused, I looked down at her. “What? What did I do?”

“The rumor,” she started, but then trailed off as her gaze skirted over my head. Riley scowled hard, and I turned around to see Maddox and Colton walking through the entrance.

I stayed rooted on the spot as he sauntered toward me. My brain told me to run. The look on his face was anything but nice. Mischief glimmered in his blue eyes, and a smirk twisted his full lips. Uh-oh.

The hallway became quiet, as if awaiting a long, overdue dramatic scene. I could feel everyone holding their breaths, anxious and curious as they stared back and forth between Maddox and me.

I tried to backpedal out of his way, but he ate up the distance between us with three long steps, stopping right in front of me. “Coulter,” I said in greeting, eyeing him with suspicion.

Maddox dipped his head to my level, breathing against my lips. My heart stuttered, and I froze on the spot. His lips skated over my cheek in a chaste kiss, and he lingered there for a second too long. “Good morning, Lila,” he said, his breath warm against my skin.

I felt the stares on us, the silent gasps coming from the others at Maddox’s public display of affection, even though it was anything but affectionate. He was teasing me, making me the center of attention because he knew how much I despised it. Fuck, this wasn’t good.

I pulled back, glaring up at him through my lashes. Without a word, I stalked past him, but his voice followed me as he called out across the hallway. “Don’t forget to give me back my jacket, baby.”

Double shit!

I snuck a quick look to my left to see people staring at me with open-mouthed expressions. Holding back a growl, I didn’t spare Maddox a glance as I stomped away with Riley at my heels.

When we rounded the corner to a fairly empty corridor, she grabbed my arm and pulled me to a stop. “You kissed him!” she whisper-yelled, her face a mask of astonishment.

A groan escaped me. “Is this why everyone’s staring at me like I’ve grown two heads?”

“Someone saw you two kissing at your locker two days ago, and you know how quickly rumors spread,” she admitted.

The rumors in Berkshire spread like a wildfire, untamed and unstoppable. The people were hungry sharks in the tank full of blood. They probably thought Maddox and I were dating now due to the kiss and then the jacket comment made by Maddox.

“Well, here’s one important fact. I didn’t kiss him. He kissed me.”

“He kissed you?”

I threw my hands in the air. “Yes,” I growled. “Why is this such a big deal?”

Riley’s eyebrows popped up, giving me a look that said the obvious. “You kissed Maddox Coulter after declaring war on him. Yeah, babe. It’s a big fucking deal.”

“Whatever. It won’t happen again.”

She followed me, hooking her arm with mine. “Is he good, like the rumors say? I heard some girls say he can tongue-fuck your mouth like he’d tongue-fuck your pus–”

“Riley!”

She let out a smothered giggle, and I instantly knew she was teasing me on purpose. Such a brat. “Sorry, but you should see how you’re blushing right now.”

Ignoring the warm heat against my cheeks, I leveled Riley with a glare, and she pouted, but, thankfully, chose to remain silent.

I left Riley at her Calculus class before making my way to English. When I walked inside, Maddox was already there, sitting in his usual spot. He had his legs thrown over his desk, his ankles crossed. Two girls surrounded him, and they were giggling at something he must have said, except he didn’t look interested in the conversation; in fact, he looked like he needed to be saved from them. Why couldn’t they see that?

A little self-respect would go a long way. He didn’t want them; it was as clear as the sunrise in the morning and the moon in the night sky. The thing about Berkshire was that everyone wanted to be on top of the food chain. The only way to get there? Date a popular jock, it was as simple as that.

Maddox was the biggest fish in the tank, the best catch, and every girl wanted to get their hooks in him.

His gaze slid to me and the corner of his lips quirked up into a small smile. Maddox gave me his signature smirk, followed by the wink that had dozens of girls melting at his feet.

I lifted my chin in silent acknowledgment before taking my seat.

Soon enough, class started. Mrs. Levi began her Shakespearean lesson for this semester; we were studying Hamlet. She wanted to start the lesson with a Hamlet movie, the popular one with Robin Williams.

“It’s the best adaption,” Mrs. Levi explained. “But the projector isn’t working. So, I’m going to need someone to get the TV from the storage room. Lila, do you mind?”

She looked at me expectantly, and I nodded.

“Any volunteer to help?”

I held back a groan. No, no, no…

“I’ll go with her,” Maddox said smoothly.

Mrs. Levi clapped her hands together. “Oh, great.”

I marched out of the classroom, making my way to the storage room at the end of the hall. Maddox caught up with me easily. “You don’t look happy, Garcia.”

“Oh look, you’re back to your annoying self,” I countered.

From my peripheral vision, I saw him give me a lazy shrug. “You shouldn’t be surprised.”

Actually, I wasn’t.

“Did my jacket keep you company last night?” He said the words like he was whispering a dirty secret.

Of course. Everything had to be dirty with Maddox. He probably thought I sniffed his jacket while I masturbated. Fun fact: I didn’t.

I huffed. “I have it in my locker. I’ll give it back to you after school.”

“Are you asking me to meet you after school? A date?” A shocked gasp spilled from his lips, but it was fake. I could easily sense the mocking smile in his words.

“No,” I growled. “Come to my locker. I’ll return your jacket to you, and we both can go on our merry ways, separately.”

He didn’t have a chance to refute me since we were already standing at the storage room.

A note glared back at us, and I rubbed a hand over my face. “Great,” I muttered under my breath. “The light isn’t working.”

I snuck a glance at Maddox, and he looked a bit… apprehensive. Hmm. “Can you keep the door open for me while I get the TV?” I asked.

Maddox shrugged.

The door was heavy as we pushed it open, and I walked inside. It was dark, but the lights from the hallway illuminated the inside enough for me to spot where all the TVs were kept against the back corner of the room. Aha, there it was.

Each TV was sitting on its own small four wheeled shelf, and all I had to do was roll one out. Easy peasy. Not.

When I tried to pull, it didn’t budge, not even an inch. Goddamn it.

I took a peek behind the TV and saw that there was no way I could roll it out of this storage room. All the cords were tangled up together.

“Maddox, can you help me with the cord? It’s stuck, and it’s dark in here. I can barely see anything.”

“Just pull it,” he rumbled, impatiently.

“If I could, I would,” I hissed. “It’s stuck. Help me.”

He was silent for a moment before uttering, “Ask nicely.”

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Say please.

“Please,” I said through clench teeth.

He tsked. “Say the full sentence.”

I straightened, bringing my hands to my hips, as I rolled my eyes. “Maddox, can you help me with the cord, please?”

“Good girl,” he praised.

He pushed the door wide open, holding it against the wall, and stared at it for a second, waiting. “It’s not going to close. Hurry,” I called out.

When Maddox was sure the door wasn’t going to close and lock us into the storage room, he sauntered inside. He looked behind him once, staring at the open door for a second longer, before coming to stand beside me.

“Move aside,” he demanded.

I rolled my eyes, again, but still did as I was told. Maddox reached behind the shelf, trying to find the cord. “Fuck, what is this?”

“Exactly. It’s all tangled up with the others.” There were four TVs in all, and they were pushed together into a tiny corner. We hadn’t used them in the longest time, since we got the new projector screens, so they had been sitting here, collecting dust.

He let out a frustrated groan before starting to untangle the cords, which would take a lot of patience to do. The space between the rack and the wall was too tight, and I could see he was having trouble. “Here, let me get my flashlight. That might help,” I suggested.

I fished out my phone from my pocket, but before I could turn it on, a loud banging sound echoed through the room. We both flinched, and Maddox lifted his head in surprise, hitting the top shelf in the process. He let out a string of curses.

Before I knew what was happening, we were surrounded by complete and utter darkness.

Shit, the door closed.

And… double shit, we were locked inside; the note had said that the handle was broken.

“No…no… No!” Maddox bellowed, rushing for the door through the dark. Huh? Was he scared of the dark? Who would have known Maddox Coulter, with his cocky smirk and eyes that could melt you on the spot, was scared of a little darkness?

I successfully turned the flashlight on, already thinking of teasing him like he would have done to me. My gaze slid to Maddox just in time to see him bumping against a shelf in his hasty attempt to reach for the door. The metal rack crashed to the floor with a loud, booming sound, and Maddox fell to his knees before he scrambled up again. He slipped over the broken shards and fallen liquid, crawling toward his escape.

No, wait. No… he wasn’t just scared of the dark. This was something more.

A heavy weight settled on my chest, my throat closed and my breath stuck in my throat. Shocked, I stayed rooted on the spot as Maddox came completely undone.

Cool, collected and flirty Maddox was replaced by a stranger. He blindly reached for the door, grabbing the broken handle and pulling himself to his feet. Maddox hit the heavy door with his palm. “No, no! Please! No, no, no. Please,” he repeated under his breath. “Don’t do this, please Let me out of here! Don’t leave me here. Don’t do this. No, no, please! Don’t.”

He repeatedly hit the door, his open palm connecting with the surface with such hard slaps that it should have hurt him. “Help me, help. Please, don’t leave me here.”

Maddox scratched at the door, as if he was trying to rip it free from its hinges. He was trying to break through. His fingers clenched into tights fist as he started banging on the door, violently. His screams echoed through my ears, and my heart thudded hard against my ribcage, I felt his pain. His agony was a reminder of my own silent suffering.

“I can’t… I can’t breathe. I can’t,” he whimpered, his voice cracking.

Thump – thump – thump.

“This is what death feels like, and you’re going to die alone,” a voice whispered in my ears.

My lips parted with a silent cry as I fought to breathe, but I couldn’t. I really couldn’t.

My breath came out in sharp, hallow panting, and my vision grew darker and blurred. I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed down on my eyelids. A kaleidoscopic of stars fluttered behind my closed eyes. Help me, help. Please, help me.

I thought maybe I was having a heart attack; yet, there was no physical pain. But my whole body vibrated, my skin crawled like I was picking apart my flesh and trying to jump out of my skin.

“This is what death feels like.”

I can’t breathe.

Help me.

“Help me,” Maddox screamed.

My thoughts fluttered away, and my heart kicked in my chest, pushing me forward. I snapped out of my frozen state and rushed to his side, my own hands trembling. “Maddox,” I said softly, trying to break through his madness. “Maddox, please.”

He banged on the door harder, and I noticed his knuckles had been split open from his attempts to break free from the storage room. Oh God, he was hurting himself. “Maddox!” I said louder, grabbing his arms and trying to pull him away from the door. He resisted and shook me off him.

“Maddox, no! Please. Don’t do that. You’re hurting yourself. Just…” I scrambled, trying to figure out what to do, what to say, so I could break through to him, reach Maddox in the place where he was lost. I had to pull him out.

“I need to get out. I need to get out. Get me out of here!” His fist pounded continuously on the door, a sob racking through his body. His voice was hoarse as he screamed brokenly. “Get me away from here. Get me out of here. I need to get out… I can’t breathe! I need to get out.”

He went to punch the door again, but I grabbed his fist, holding his hand in my own. It was a risk. I knew he was so lost in his head that he could have hurt me. Unintentionally. But it was important for him not to hurt himself.

It was becoming clearer that he was suffering from a panic attack. I knew exactly what it looked it, what it felt like.

“Please,” he whimpered. “Get me out of here. Please. Please. Please. Please.”

I held back a choked sob as he started pleading, each word spilling out of his mouth like a goddamn arrow straight to my heart. I bled for him.

He started mumbling something I couldn’t hear, his breathing ragged and loud as he struggled to breathe.

When he realized he couldn’t break free, Maddox crouched down, his head dropping to his hands as he fisted his hair, pulling at the strands. The mumbling under his breath grew louder as he shook his head back and forth. “Please, please. I need to get out. Help…Help me…Please.”

My chest grew tight at the sight of him like this.

My knees weakened. When I couldn’t hold myself upright any longer, I knelt down beside his trembling form. My hand landed on his chest to feel his heart pounding, hard and erratic, as if it was beating right out of his chest. His shirt was drenched with sweat, sticking to his body like a second skin.

I knew what it felt like to suffer like this. Chest caving in, all the air being sucked out from your lungs, a fist clenching your heart so tight, blood rushing through your ears, your lungs can’t seem to work properly and then it happens… suffocation. The need to crawl out of your skin, as if your body is not your own anymore, chasing an escape you couldn’t even see through the fog.

The tremors kicked in and Maddox started shaking. It started with his hands before his whole body quaked as he struggled to do a simple thing as inhale and exhale.

I had to get him to breathe first, it was the only way to ground him into the present, to bring him back from wherever he was lost inside his head.

Maddox held his head in his hands, his body rocking back and forth. “No, no, no. Please. Please,” he begged.

“Maddox,” I spoke softly. “Maddox, I’m right here. It’s okay.”

A tortured sound came from his throat, and my eyes burned with unshed tears. This was… hard. So fucking hard.

This wasn’t Maddox.

This was a boy, frightened and lost.

I gripped his hand and pulled it away from his face, holding it with both of mine “I’m right here, Maddox.”

His eyes were squeezed shut; his eyebrows pinched and his face… it was a mask of raw pain. He was tormented by something, his past… maybe, I didn’t know, but whatever it was, Maddox was still hurting. I could almost taste his suffering in the heavy air surrounding us.

Squeezing his left hand, I spoke firmly. “Look at me, Maddox. I’m right here. Look at me, okay? Please.”

When he kept his eyes closed, I changed tactics. “Breathe with me, baby. Can you do that? Can you breathe with me? I’ll count. Maddox, you can do it. I know you can.”

He sucked in a ragged breath, his chest rattling with the effort. “There you go. Slowly. Breathe with me. I’m right here. I’m not leaving you. It’s going to be okay.”

I squeezed his hand again, counting to three out loud. “Inhale,” I instructed.

He did. He slowly sucked in a breath.

I counted from four to six now. “Exhale.”

Maddox let out a harsh breath.

Squeeze. Inhale. Squeeze. Exhale.

One. Two. Three. Inhale. Four. Five. Six. Exhale.

When his breathing slowly became less ragged, I whispered, “I’m proud of you. That’s good. Do it again, Maddox. Breathe with me. Stay with me.”

His eyes opened, and I realized whatever I said had gotten through to him, so I repeated it again. “I’m proud of you. Stay with me.”

I inhaled, showing him how to do it, and Maddox breathed in a shaky breath. Somewhere in his tortured blue eyes, I saw him trying to hold onto his own sanity. I stared into his dark and bottomless eyes, seeing something I had never seen before. Fear and misery consumed every part of him.

I saw myself in him, and we bled together, our pain seeping through us, similar to how tears would leak from our eyes. Maddox looked at me as if he was staring at something he was about to lose.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I soothed gently, rubbing my fingers over the back of his knuckles.

He was still shaking, but he wasn’t struggling to breathe anymore.

I remembered my mother singing to me when I was a child, a sweet lullaby as she’d put me to sleep. When I’d suffer from my own panic attacks, my therapist told me to play the lullaby on YouTube. It had helped calm me down. I knew everyone rides out their panic attacks differently, but maybe… maybe I could…

Right now, Maddox looked like a child who needed someone to hold him.

So, I did.

I knelt between his thighs, so I was close to him, and held his hands in my own. I continued to rub my fingertips over his bruised knuckles, letting him feel my touch.

My lips parted, my heart ached and I sung him my favorite lullaby.

“Lullaby and good night, In the sky stars are bright, May the moons silvery beams, Bring you sweet dreams, Close your eyes now and rest, May these hours be blessed, Til the sky's bright with dawn, When you wake with a yawn.”

I saw brief recognition in his gaze. His eyes turned glassy, and he had a faraway look, like he wasn’t seeing me, because Maddox was somewhere else.

“Lullaby and good night, You are mother’s delight, I’ll protect you from harm, And you’ll wake in my arms, Sleepyhead, close your eyes, For I’m right beside you, Guardian angels are near, So sleep without fear,” I sung gently.

His lips quivered, and panic welled up inside me. I fucked up; I shouldn’t have sung to him. He was just starting to calm down and now…

Maddox curled his arm around my waist, and he pulled me against him, his head dropping to my shoulders. The world stilled except for our pounding hearts, beating together like a broken violin, shrieking with violent, pained sounds. A silent sob racked through his body, and I felt wetness on my neck where Maddox had his face hidden.

He was crying.

In silence.

He suffered, in silence.

His tears carried the weight of his pain.

My emotions became jagged as my chest ripped open, a knife digging itself into my little, fragile heart. It was so hard to swallow past the heavy lump in my throat. Emotional pain bore invisible scars; yet, these scars could be traced by the gentlest touch, I knew that.

Breaking apart was hard. It stung with every breath taken.

Recovering from it was the hardest.

Sometimes, the pieces can’t be put back together because they’re mismatched, missing or completely shattered, making it an impossible feat.

Tears slid down my cheeks, and I choked back a cry. My own voice cracked as I continued to sing the rest of the lullaby.

He pulled me tighter into his body, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, holding him to me. I remembered how it was, coming out of my panic attacks, the adrenaline rushing away as I came back to the present. Everything would hurt, and I’d always feel so lost.

This was Maddox right now.

So, I held him.

Because he needed to be held, even if he didn’t say the words.

He needed me.

Maddox trembled in my arms, his whole body shaking with his silent cries and tremors. As the lullaby came to an end, I pressed my lips against his cheek. “You’re going to be okay, Maddox. I got you.”

Thump – thump – thump.

There was a hollow ache in the pit of my stomach.

I embraced him.

He didn’t let go.

His breathing smoothed out, and his pounding heart slowed.

“I got you,” I soothed, running my fingers through his soft hair.

His arms clenched around me, and he nuzzled his nose into my neck. Hold me tighter, he said without any words.

I got you.