The Imperfections by Sam Mariano
9
Brant
I don’t relish sittingin Alyssa’s driveway, watching her fidget with her bag, looking kinda sad as she prepares to get out of my truck.
“You got everything?” I ask, just to get some kind of response out of her.
She nods her head but doesn’t look over at me. Pulling the charger I gave back to her out of the top of her overflowing bag, she says, “I think this was the last of it.”
I nod inanely, but she doesn’t move. On impulse, I reach over and grab her phone.
That gets her attention, and she looks over at me with a frown marring her pretty face. “What are you doing?”
“Putting my number in here, just in case you need it for anything.” Once I finish typing in my information, I look over at her. “The cabin offer still stands, too. If you decide you’d like to try living on your own, just give me a call and I’ll start fixing it up for you.”
“Thank you,” she says quietly, like my words disappoint her but she doesn’t want to come off as ungrateful. “It was very kind of you to offer.”
I feel an opening here, feel her wanting me to take advantage of it and say something more, but I can’t.
All evening when she was quiet, I kept going over it in my head, trying to think of how it could work with me and her, but there’s no way.
It worked so effortlessly over the weekend because we were isolated in our own little bubble and no one else had anything to do with it. It didn’t matter that she was too young for me or that she made mistakes before we met; it didn’t matter that I’m not a good person, or I haven’t been in an actual relationship with a woman in as many years as Alyssa has been alive.None of it mattered because it was just a weekend away and we could do as we pleased.
Our relationship looks a lot different in the light of day, where other people would see it and want explanations. Bri already knows Alyssa, so how would I explain bringing her around all of a sudden? On top of that, Alyssa can’t babysit for Bri anymore. As long as Alyssa just disappears from her life, Bri can believe it’s because Alyssa is busy with college and just taking on fewer babysitting jobs, but if Alyssa’s mine, that’s not gonna make any sense. Why would Alyssa be unwilling to watch my nephews if there wasn’t some bigger reason she’s avoiding babysitting for Bri, specifically? And why would she do that without a damn good reason?
Plus, then Bri would eventually find out that Alyssa’s pregnant. The way it is now, if Alyssa just stops coming around, Bri never has to know that. No suspicions should rise up in her mind.
If Alyssa turned up pregnant with no boyfriend, and especially if she turned up pregnant with no boyfriend and then somehow on my radar, Bri would start wondering about it. Since her suspicions would be correct, I don’t imagine it would take too long before she started piecing the unpleasant truth together, and there’s no way in hell I could explain that I’m knowingly dating a girl who played mistress to Bri’s husband for a little while. Even if she forgave Theo since deep down she probably already knows he’s trash, Bri would never get over my betrayal. She expects a lot more from me, and I couldn’t hurt her that way just because I have the shit luck of wanting the one person I can’t have.
Since there is no way it works, I’m not going to draw Alyssa any deeper into it. Just because I can’t be with her doesn’t mean I don’t like her and genuinely want what’s best for her. If things were different, I would like to keep her around, but the situation is what it is and there’s no changing it.
Well, not unless she did let go of her pregnancy; then there’d be nothing tying her to Theo permanently and maybe their past could be covered up. But, she made her stance on that clear, and I’m not as big an asshole as Theo. I’d never try to push her into doing something she might regret later just because it would make my life easier. I’d never ask a woman to choose me over her kid, and I’d never want her to make that choice, either.
It’s just not in the stars for us. I can tell she’s disappointed, but as long as she doesn’t know I am, too, she’ll get over it.
Putting my hand back on the wheel, I sigh and look at the shitty screen door hanging off her house. I’m tempted to bring my tools over and fix the damn thing, but I ignore the impulse and look over at Alyssa.
“Good luck, kid.”
Her cute little nose wrinkles up involuntarily when I call her that. Her annoyance was the desired effect, so I’m pleased to have hit my mark. Rolling her eyes, she pulls the lever and shoves the passenger door open.
“Good luck, old man,” she shoots back before climbing out of my truck.
I try to curb a small smile, but even when she’s pissy, I like her.
I watch her walk to the front door without looking back and try not to let dread swallow me up when the door opens. Even from here with the truck door closed and the window up, I can hear the squawking of her family coming from inside. It’s a bright, sunny day, but as she slips into the darkened house, it feels like I’m sending her back to someplace bad, and I don’t like it.
I don’t know why it feels so much like I’m abandoning her. The girl was never my responsibility to begin with, and I made her as good of an offer as I could. Hell, even if she took me up on living in the cabin, it would put me in a potentially awkward situation with Bri finding out, but when I see Bri and the boys, I almost always go to their house. Bri seldom ever comes to my place—in fact, no one ever really comes to my place, so just Alyssa living in my cabin might be easy enough to keep quiet.
Even if Bri and the boys did ever decide to stop by, the cabin’s not up by the house, and I don’t see why Bri would ever even look at it. Even if she did, I could tell her I rented it out and I wouldn’t have to explain who I rented it to.
I throw the truck in reverse and back out of her driveway rather than sitting here like an asshole.
Having figured I might feel a little blue after I took her home, I waited until I could head to work straight after. I’m still about an hour early, but I’ll find something to do to pass the time.
* * *
At the end of a long,shitty day, I go home alone. Only thing that takes the sting out of it a little is Scout running over to lick the shit out of me.
Rubbing his belly as he wiggles against me, I remark, “You’re always happy to see me, aren’t you, boy?”
More licks, more wiggling and wagging in response.
I take Scout in to feed him and consider making myself a sandwich since I didn’t have time to eat dinner, but I ultimately decide it’s too much work and head upstairs to bed.
Even though I know she’s not here, I find myself looking around for her.
My gaze catches on the record player. The place is too quiet. I normally like the quiet, but tonight it doesn’t feel peaceful. It feels empty.
I ignore that foreign thought and strip off my clothes, then climb into bed alone.
After a few nights with Alyssa in bed beside me, this feels empty, too. I stare up at the ceiling for several long minutes, then I roll over, grab my phone off the nightstand, and check for a message that isn’t there.
Unlike her and fucking Theo, we don’t have a thread of messages she’ll hoard long after she should’ve deleted them. I gave her my number, but I didn’t take hers, so I couldn’t message her even if I wanted to.
I do want to, so I’m glad I don’t have her number. No good can come of that, and it wouldn’t be fair to her. Since I decided to spare her, I need to let her get on with her life.
Replacing my phone on the nightstand, I resolve to stop thinking about Alyssa and go to sleep. Seeing as this was my life every day before I met her three days ago, it should be easy.
Easy isn’t the word I’d use to describe my first night without Alyssa.
But I’ll live.
I always do.
* * *
I knewAlyssa Walton for all of three days, so even though letting go of things I’ve lost isn’t my specialty, by the time four days have passed without her, I tell myself I should be good and past her.
Problem is, I keep thinking about her…wondering what she’d be doing at home if she were there while I’m working, catching Scout’s gaze and wondering if he misses her, too. The cherry on top comes Friday evening when I’m sitting in a corner booth at the bar, dipping into my own supply, and my worthless fuck of a brother-in-law walks in.
The new girl I hired doesn’t know who he is and walks up to him all smiles, telling him we’re closing soon but she’d love to take care of him while he’s there.
For the first time, I feel something like envy when I look at this fucker. I don’t respect him, so I’ve never encountered that feeling before, but when it comes to looks, anyone can see he has the monopoly. Alyssa’s admission that she was attracted to him floats back across my consciousness, and before I can stop myself, I’m snarling at the blonde I recently hired to work some nights at the bar.
“He’s not a fucking customer.”
She looks back at me, her eyes wide in alarm at my tone. I’m not looking at her, though, my gaze is locked on Theo.
“Why the fuck are you in my bar?”
He stares at me, wide-eyed, apparently surprised by the venom in my tone. More conscious of appearances than I am, he looks back at the new girl and offers her a polite smile and “Thanks, but I’m here to see him” before making his way over to me.
I watch the way he saunters, hating him a little fucking more. I hate the gnawing in my gut that feels like jealousy, the compulsion to ask this asshole for more details about his time with Alyssa—not because they’re relevant or even helpful, but because I’m starving for a morsel of her, but won’t let myself see her again to get one of my own.
I don’t ask, not only because it would be suspicious, but because hearing him talk about being with her now would make me so jealous I’d probably put the bastard through a wall, and how the hell would I explain that to Bri?
Theo takes a seat in the booth across from me like I invited him to. He looks at me then ducks his head, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Hey, Brant.”
I don’t answer him; I stare wordlessly, inviting him to explain his presence any damn time he’s ready to.
Clearing his throat, he says, “I just wanted to say thanks for—you know.” He looks up at me uncertainly. “Um, but I wasn’t sure—I haven’t heard anything.”
“What the fuck do you mean, you haven’t heard anything?”
He looks around, but there’s no one over here in this corner. Now that she can’t get him a drink and flirt with him, the new girl has gone back behind the bar to work on the closing checklist, and the bartender is restocking.
When he sees there’s no one around to overhear us, he leans across the table and says quietly, “About Alyssa.”
I don’t like her name on his lips. Tension builds in my shoulders and I stretch my neck, trying to ease some of it out. “Don’t worry about her anymore,” I state simply. “She’s no longer your concern. Never should’ve been in the first place.”
“No, I know,” he says, pretty quickly, “and I thank you for that, it’s just…I mean… is it done? I thought I’d hear something about her… I don’t know, going missing?”
“Where do you expect you’d hear about it, Theo?” I ask, leaning back in my booth and stretching my arm out across the back of it, looking at him like he’s just about the dumbest piece of shit I’ve ever encountered. “You expect some old-timey newsboy to run through the streets with an evening edition, yelling, ‘Extra, extra, read all about it’?”
Theo sits back, sliding an unamused look my way. “Well, no.”
“Did it occur to you that if you heard about it, that would be a bad thing? Probably better if you don’t hear about it, right?”
“I guess,” he says begrudgingly, but I can hear the dissatisfaction in his voice. “I don’t know. I thought it would be more… climactic.”
Taking a breath and summoning a trickle from the reserve of patience that must be buried deep inside me somewhere, I lean across the table, look him in the face, and tell him, “I am not a fucking monkey performing tricks for your entertainment, Theo. You came to me with a problem and I told you I’d fix it. I’ve taken care of the situation. I don’t care if it wasn’t theatrical enough for you. You won’t hear from the babysitter again. End of fucking story. It didn’t require a follow-up visit. You and I are not friends. I do not want to see your smug, fucking pretty-boy face unless I absolutely have to when I’m visiting my sister and my nephews. Are we clear? Don’t come to my bar again unless you have a fucking reason to be here.”
Leaning back, realizing he’s rubbed me the wrong way and not knowing why, Theo says, “I wasn’t trying to piss you off, Brant.”
“I guess it’s a natural talent you’ve got, then.”
He nods grimly, lips pressed firmly together. “All right, I’ll get out of your hair.”
“See that you do,” I mutter, grabbing the whiskey glass I brought to this booth with me and emptying it.
Thankfully, Theo doesn’t linger and leaves without bothering me more than he already has. Less fortunately, I’m already bothered a whole fucking lot, so I pour myself another drink.
