Old Flame: Dante’s Story by Sam Mariano
27
Colette
Runningmy hand down the front of a soft, forest green top hanging from the rack I’m currently perusing, I look back over my shoulder and ask my shopping mate, “What do you think of this one?”
Alec Morelli is leaning against a display of jewelry and purses, his eyes on his phone instead of me. He glances up when I ask for his attention, his dark gaze flickering to the blouse.
“Pretty,” he remarks, unhelpfully.
I roll my eyes and sigh heavily. “You’re useless. You’re supposed to be helping me shop, not playing on your phone.”
Pushing off the display, he slides his phone into the pocket of his slacks and approaches me. “Look, I’m sorry. I don’t shop with girls I don’t at least get to fuck afterward. I don’t understand why I’m here.”
“You like to shop,” I say in my own defense. When Dante gave me his younger brother for a shopping buddy today, he assured me Alec was on board.
I’m beginning to think he lied.
“Not for women’s clothing,” Alec states, lifting an eyebrow. “You wanna go buy me a new suit? We can stop and check out some sports cars on the way home, maybe buy some good liquor to indulge in.” Turning and grabbing the very first thing he sees, he picks up a pink, stemless wine glass that says in gold, girly script Wine makes everything better. “Why the fuck would I want to look at this?”
My shoulders droop. “I don’t know. I used to have Beth for stuff like this,” I tell him despondently. “I don’t have anyone to shop with now. Even if I could shop with any of the friends I’ve made or found again since leaving Dante, they would think I’m a monster to be out shopping for clothes to wear with someone else when I just lost my fiancé.”
“So why not bring Meg or Mia? They know the score, they’re not gonna judge you. Bring Meg and Mia, make it a girls’ day. Hell, if you bring them, you can probably even get Mateo to foot the bill.”
“Dante won’t let me hang out with them.”
Alec frowns in confusion. “Why not?”
I shrug, glancing around to make sure no one is within earshot. No one is, but I still lower my voice. “He doesn’t seem to think they’re long for the world, and he doesn’t want a repeat Beth experience.”
Now Alec’s eyebrows rise in surprise, like that’s nowhere near his understanding of the situation. “I’m pretty sure they’ll both be around for a while.”
“Dante doesn’t agree,” I state. “Do you have a girlfriend I could shop with? Preferably one I don’t have to worry about going the way of Beth.”
Alec shakes his head, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “Nah, I prefer the single life. No attachments. Plus, it seems like the males in my family have a sleeper cell of insanity that unlocks when they fall in love, and I’m not trying to turn into a raging fucking lunatic.”
Smiling, I abandon the green top and drift closer to him. “I love you, Alec. I should’ve fallen for you instead.”
Alec smirks faintly. “I’m not really into older women, sorry.”
Swatting him in the arm, I shoot him a scowl. “I am not old.”
“Older than me though,” he points out. “Not my style.”
“Rude.”
Alec continues to smile. “I’d bore you anyway. You may not want to admit it, but you like those crazy fuckers. You don’t want someone cool-headed who will lug around your shopping bags, you want the unhinged psycho who will ruin your life.”
“Amen to that,” I mutter. “Why do I love those life-ruiners so much more than the good guys?”
Alec shrugs. “Beats the hell out of me. Someone’s gotta love ‘em, I guess.”
I take that and run with it. “That’s it. I’m taking one for the team.”
“It’s noble, really,” he adds, playing along. “The world appreciates your sacrifice.”
Sighing, I try to ignore the tickle of real conflict this all still causes. I don’t want to think about it right now. I certainly don’t want to burden Alec with my moral dilemmas.
Then again, maybe Alec is exactly the right person to talk to about it with. Despite being a criminal—and a Morelli—Alec seems like he manages to remain a pretty decent person. He’s not stuck in the moralistic struggle I’m locked in, but he’s not one of the really bad guys, either.
“Can I ask you a question?” I ask him.
Shoving his hands into the pockets of his slacks, Alec looks over at me. “Sure.”
“How do you do it? How do you manage to accept your family for everything they are and not feel badly about it? I mean they’re—you’re—so bad. They—you guys do unforgiveable things. I can’t sleep at night if I think about all you guys are responsible for. When I was younger I didn’t see all of it, but now… now, I can see the damage. Dante brought it right to my doorstep, and I can’t unsee it. And I don’t… I don’t know how to move past it and be with him without feeling like a horrible person.”
“That’s part of the problem, right there. You can’t take the weight of the whole world onto your shoulders. You can’t focus on all the bad and think of it as your responsibility to stop it or control the damage. Not to be an asshole, but no one designated you as the morality police, right? I know this life’s harder for better people, you have to really loveus to look past the things we do, but limiting your responsibility to what you can control is the best place to start.” Meeting my gaze, he tells me, “You cannot control Dante. This probably wasn’t a problem before because you didn’t try to. I know it’s not fair what he did, I know you didn’t get a choice in all this, but if you want it to work with him, you have to start there. I accepted a long time ago I’d never be able to control my brothers or stop their destruction. I still try when I think I might be able to make a difference, but if I can’t, oh well. It’s not my responsibility. I do the best I can. You do the best you can and that’s it. That’s all you can do. You can’t try to change him, Colette. I know he’s a far cry from perfect, but he is who he is, and that’s not gonna change. Either love him for who he is, or…”
He trails off there, seeming to realize there is no “or” for me. My options are more or less be happy with Dante or be miserable with Dante. Any other option would pit me against him, and there’s just no chance I would win. I don’t even want to win. I don’t want to be Dante’s opponent. I’ve never wanted that. Back when we were together and in love, we were a team, and that’s the way I liked it. We each had our role and together we were perfect. I’m not the same person I was back then, but he is pretty much the same man he was.
I felt like we were making fun when I said Dante ruined my life, but I’m beginning to realize I wasn’t. He did ruin the life I had created for myself, and it’s not fair that he just expects me to fall into the replacement life he had lined up for me.
“You know what he did,” I state, since I can’t be too specific in public.
Nodding once, Alec verifies, “I do.”
“And you know every day he does things that are just as bad.”
“Yes,” he agrees.
“So, knowing that, how do I not feel like the worst person in the world if I just… love him anyway?”
Alec sighs, glancing off to the side and seeming to mull that one over. After a moment, his gaze returns to me and he says, “I don’t think I’m the right person to talk to about all this, Colette. I’m no angel, either. I was born into this lifestyle as much as Dante was.”
“I know that, but you’re not… You know right from wrong. To some extent, you must understand why I’m horrified by the things he’s capable of.”
“I do,” he admits. “Believe me, I practically begged Dante not to go through with what he did to you, but once it happened, I washed my hands of it. I knew it wasn’t my job to stop him, I know the things my brothers do—right or wrong—aren’t my responsibility. More often than not, I just stay out of their way, and I don’t lose a wink of sleep over it. I don’t struggle with accepting my stupid brothers for who they are, I don’t think much about the bad shit they do. You need an expert on forgiveness, and that’s not me. You need to talk to Mia.”
“Does she know what Dante did?”
Alec shrugs. “I doubt it, but it doesn’t really matter. You don’t have to share the gory details, just your emotional predicament. She’s an outsider too, so she would probably be able to relate more to where you’re coming from. She has forgiven Vince and Mateo for some seriously fucked up shit. She manages to love them no matter how horrible they are, and her morality remains pretty much intact, too. I don’t think she cares as much about that as you do, she’s not as straitlaced as you, she’s just very empathetic and not as self-centered as most of us; nurturing monsters seems to come second nature to her. Anyway, Mia’s a trouper; she might be able to give you some pointers on getting over your moral quibbles and moving past it. She accepts all of us for who we are without trying to impose her own morality on us and she doesn’t seem to compromise who she is to do it, either; maybe she could help you get there, too. Only thing I can tell you is, if you want to be happy here, you’ve gotta stop thinking about how to change other people and focus on shifting the way you look at things. You only have control over yourself, no one else.”
“Would you give that advice to your sister?” I ask him wryly.
“Well, no, I’d just tell her to stop trying to date one of our brothers. That’s weird.”
I crack a smile. Despite the harshness of what he just said, I know Alec means well. “You know what I mean.”
He shakes his head. “You’ve gotta get out of your own head. Get over this morality roadblock. Morality is relative to the culture you live in, and you know our culture isn’t like everyone else’s. You couldn’t have possibly forgotten everything while you were away.”
“I was young and dumb back then,” I tell him, reaching out and touching another soft-looking fabric.
“But you were happy,” he states. “Now you’re old and stuck on yourself, and I’ll tell you now, that’ll never serve you here. If anything, Dante will eventually get sick of it, and where will that leave you?”
My jaw drops and I shoot him a look. “You just called me old again. You’re the worst shopping buddy ever. Keep saying mean shit to me and I’m not gonna buy you lunch when we’re finished.”
“That’s okay,” he says. “We can just head back to your assisted living facility. I’m sure they’ve got food there, right?”
“Just applesauce,” I offer back. “Sometimes we get Jell-o cups for a treat.”
“Do you think we’ll even have time to eat?” he asks, checking his watch. “Don’t old people go to bed at like 5 o’clock?”
For that one, I swing my handbag and hit him in the arm with it. “Shut your stupid mouth, Alec.”
He grins at me. “What?”
I roll my eyes and walk ahead of him. “I changed my mind, I don’t love you. You’re like the younger brother I never wanted.”
“Aw, don’t be mad,” he says, falling into step beside me and slinging an arm across my shoulders. “You know I’m just messing with you. You’re still young and hot. My brother probably wouldn’t have kidnapped you if you weren’t.”
“That’s terrible. You’re all terrible.”
Alec nods with mock solemnity. “Yeah.” He barely misses a beat, then says just as casually, “Now, let’s go find you a pretty dress to wear to my dad’s funeral.”
