Barbarian’s Taming by Ruby Dixon
2
Maddie
One Week Later
“What do you mean, you guys are going out?” I stare at my sister like she’s grown a second head, and then sign my question to her. Sometimes I forget that her cochlear implants are gone and she is now deaf again.
I mean, we are going out, Lila signs to me patiently. A journey. The others want to see the fruit cave and harvest some of the fruit there, and grab a few plants to see if we can’t grow some in this cave. Rokan and I are the only ones that know where it’s at, so we’re going to take a few of the others and show them.
When do we leave?I ask. I’m not keen on trotting around in the snow again but if it must be done, it must be done. Plus, staying around the cave all day with no one to talk to has been a bit boring. My cave-buddy Asha doesn’t do much more than eat and sleep, and my sister’s been holed up in her cave making babies with her man. Stretching my legs with a walk sounds like a good idea.
Lila tilts her head at me, curious, and then begins to sign again, slow and deliberate. It’s going to be a very small group going.
Okay?I’m not sure what that has to do with anything…and then I realize. I’m not invited, am I?
Lila looks pained. It’s not that. We’re going to be traveling fast and it’s going to be a hard push. And when we come back, we’re going to be carrying a lot of weight in our packs.
I see. And they don’t want the fat chick slowing them down. The only thing that stops me from lashing out in a bitch-fit is the obvious pain on my sister’s face. She’s clearly torn between sticking up for me and being one of the cool kids.
That’s fine, I sign to her and put a bright smile on my face, even though I’m not feeling it. I rolled my ankle the other day anyhow, so I might as well stay close to the cave.
The look on Lila’s face is so full of relief that I feel like an asshole. I’m so sorry, she tells me. I didn’t realize you’d want to go.
I don’t. I just want to spend time with my sister, the only person on the planet that I’m a hundred percent comfortable around. But I’m going to have to get used to the idea that she has a man in her life and he’s going to be taking up vast amounts of her time. Should you be going? I sign back, because I can’t help being a bit petty and dickish. What with being pregnant and all?
Her face flames bright red and she hesitates a moment. I don’t think I’m pregnant yet, because we’re still resonating…a lot.
T M I, I sign in slow, sweeping motions and make a face. All the more reason not to go.
She giggles, and she sounds so happy that my heart squeezes painfully. I feel like I’m losing my sister all over again, and this time not because she’s been kidnapped, but because she’s in love. There’s no getting her back from this. The close bond we had prior to arriving here is gone forever, because Rokan will always be attached to her now. It’s no longer Maddie and Lila against the world.
Now it’s just me against the world, and it’s the loneliest feeling ever.
I smile brightly at her to hide my pain and decide to change tactics. So you guys are going fruit picking? Who all is going? And I’m serious—if you’re pregnant or almost pregnant, Rokan can go without you, can’t he?
Her dark brows draw together and she gives a tiny shake of her head and begins to sign again. Someone else pauses, watching us gesticulate, and our conversation no longer feels private. I keep forgetting that the tribe is learning sign language through the computer at the Elders’ Cave and nothing I say to my sister is secret. Lila signs, Rokan has been nervous about something for a while. Says he’s uneasy at the thought of leaving me behind.
It’s probably because my sister is deaf. He’s smart to be extra watchful. I understand that. Lila can’t hear danger, and there’s a lot of danger on this barren, wintry planet. He’s smart to keep her with him at all times. I can’t fault the guy for that.
As for who is going… She pauses, thinking. Tiffany and Salukh, and Claire and Ereven. Josie and Haeden were supposed to go, but Josie’s feeling sick.
It sounds like a couples retreat. No wonder I’m not invited. I’m fat, out of shape, and a total fifth wheel. You’ll have fun, I tell her. When do you leave?
After lunch, she tells me, and her expression is eager.
Really? Today? I went and peeked out at the cave entrance this morning and snow was falling in big, fat flakes. It’s snowing.
It’s always snowing, Lila says with another happy giggle. This is good weather, I promise, and the guys know the path to the canyon we are seeking.
Well, you guys have fun, I tell my sister and then pull her into an impulsive hug before she can worry. I squeeze her tight and stroke her braids. Really, it’s good that she’s going without me, I tell myself. I hate physical labor and sweating and hiking and things along those lines. I sure hate snow, whereas Lila loves the outdoors here. Go figure.
I still feel like I’m being left behind.
Lila squeezes me back and then pulls away. I need to finish packing. We’ll be back in a few days. She smiles and then focuses on something behind me.
I turn and Rokan is there, watching his mate. Because of course he is. Those two are joined at the hip.
Go, I sign. Have fun.
She waves at me and trots over to join her mate. I watch his expression get all tender and hungry at the sight of her as he pulls her against him, and I have to look away. This must be how a mama bird feels when her baby birds leave the nest. Not that Lila’s my daughter, but I’ve always looked out for Lila and protected her, even before our parents died and left us alone.
I see one of the women by the communal fire and head in that direction. It’s Stacy, one of the new moms and the one who likes to cook. She’s got her goofy-looking sheet of metal that passes for a frying pan and is holding it over the fire, making cakes. Not pancakes, sadly, but some shitty root thing that tastes like a potato mated with a dog turd. Everyone here loves them, but I guess I’m still only a month or two gone from my last French fry, and to me they are not the same. “Hey, Stace.”
“Hi, Maddie,” she says, and though she smiles, there’s a wary note in her voice. Could be that I might have thrown one of those cakes at her head back when I first got to the main cave. Jeez, people sure do hold a grudge. “Hungry?”
I nod but don’t sit down. “Thought I’d grab a cake or two to take back to my roomie.” Pretty sure Asha hasn’t crawled out of bed today. I’m not even sure she left it yesterday.
Stacy’s expression softens. “Poor Asha. She’s really struggling lately. Here, I’ll make her a cake and put some of that peppery spice on it that everyone seems to like so much. You want some on yours, too?”
“Me? God no.” I make a face. “I like having sinuses, thank you.”
She chuckles and gets to work, patting some shredded root crap and then adding something that looks like lard from a tiny bowl and then seasoning from another. She forms a cake and then gently lays it in the skillet. As she bends over, I see her baby’s on her back like a papoose, his fists waving in the air. Aw, cute.
“How is Asha as a roommate?” she asks. “Are you two getting along?”
“Oh, it’s great. We both hate it here, so you know, that’s a real bonding experience.”
The guarded look returns to Stacy’s face. “You hate it here?”
“Just a joke,” I say quickly. Clearly Stacy takes my sarcasm for truth. Which it is…but just a wee bit exaggerated. I can’t really hate it on the ice planet if my sister loves it here. “It’s taking some getting used to, that’s all.”
But she still looks worried. “Should I say something to the healer about Asha? She’s clearly depressed—”
“I’m sure she’s fine.” Great, now Stacy’s going to be up Asha’s ass, too. I’m sure my sour roomie will love that. “I’ll talk with her, okay?”
Stacy flips the cakes with an expert toss, and then slides them onto a small plate that looks like it was made from the vertebra of something whale-sized. “I can—”
“Nope, it’s good. I’m all good. I’ll go talk with her right now. Thanks, Stacy.” I snag the plate and rush off before she gets any ideas, even though I know I probably just pissed her off. I’m the one who has to live with Asha, though, and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t appreciate a pep talk.
I make my way through the busy cave purposefully, acting like I have somewhere important to be so no one else stops me. Everyone’s always so chatty and there’s not a lot of privacy. It’s like sharing your living room with forty strangers, and everyone brings their crafts out into the main cave to work together or talk to one another. Two men have their skinning frames set up off to one side and are scraping while they talk in the alien language that everyone seems to know but me. Someone else has spread a blanket and is watching a baby crawl, and a few other people are gathered and look like they’re doing sewing or weaving or something equally domestic and totally out of my repertoire. I know how to mix drinks and balance a cash register, not this other garbage. At some point I guess I’m going to have to learn, but the thought depresses me.
This isn’t the life I signed up for. No one wants me here. I’m not useful. I’m not even pleasant to be around. I’m not making babies. Oh, and I’m fat, which means I eat more, and there’s talk about food shortages in the winter months, which makes me anxious. At what point do they start giving me the stink eye because I’m chubby and like my food? Of course, Lila won’t let them be mean to me, and then I’m even more depressed because I’m the one who should be protecting Lila, not the other way around.
The privacy screen is over our doorway, and I hesitate, holding the steaming cakes close. The whole ‘privacy screen’ thing is supposed to work like a door, or rather, the sock on the doorknob that roomies hang to let the other roomie know not to come in. No one’s supposed to acknowledge you even exist on the other side if the screen is up. Which I guess I get, but now I’m officially locked out of my own room and I don’t hear anything but silence on the other side.
Asha locked me out so she could take a nap? Screw that.
I listen for a moment longer to make sure Asha’s not having really quiet sex or something, because I would feel like an ass if that was the case. Except I’m also pretty sure Asha hasn’t bathed or left her bed in days, so I doubt she’s feeling sexy.
Fuck it. I push the screen aside and go in. “Yo, Asha. I got breakfast for you. Or I guess it’s lunch at this point, but whatever.”
The interior of our small cave is dark and depressing. I don’t have much shit since I’m new, so my side of the room is nothing but a heap of furs that makes up my bed. Asha’s got a few baskets lined up along the wall, but I’ve never seen her crack them open. Actually, I’ve never seen her do a hell of a lot. As a roommate, she sucks. Either I get to sit out in the open and have people ‘nice’ me to death, or I can come and sit in a dark room with Wednesday Addams here.
Asha sits up as I enter, her hair messy, a scowl on her face. Her cheeks look suspiciously wet and she sniffs as she glares at me. She says something in alien that is probably along the lines of “Did you not see the screen?”
“Yeah, I ignored your screen,” I say in English, dropping to my bed. “And I know you know English, and you know I don’t know sa-khui, so don’t even start with me.” I pick up one of the crispy cakes and hold it out to her. “Hungry?”
“No,” she says in a sullen voice. She holds a wad of clothing to her chest and lies back down. “I want to be left alone.”
“I want to be home and eating a Happy Meal, but we don’t always get what we want.” Man, these cakes are so not great. I mean, I’m going to eat both of them, but I’m definitely going to be thinking of Happy Meals the entire time.
“Do you not have somewhere else to go?” Asha snaps at me.
“God, I wish.” I shake my head and polish off the last of my cake before picking hers up. “This is where we come to be depressed, right? So I thought I’d join you in your wallowing.”
She hugs the clothing—it looks like a man’s tunic—to her chest and frowns at me. “What are you depressed about?”
My nose runs with every bite, but I devour her cake anyhow. “Oh, any number of things. But if you’re talking about today, my sister’s going on a field trip with her new hubby and I’m too fat and out of shape to go.”
She snorts. “The walk will do you good.”
“Thank you, Richard Simmons,” I say dryly. “Besides, it’s all couples going and I don’t belong there.” Loneliness washes over me like a wave, and I suddenly feel as tired and beat-down by the world as Asha looks. I crawl into my bed and lie on my belly, staring at nothing. “This place sucks,” I say after a few minutes of silence. “I’m miserable.”
And I am. I feel like weeping, because I’m alone and forgotten and I don’t even have a soul-sucking job to distract me.
“So do something,” Asha tells me, and she sounds irritated. “Do not just whine in my direction.”
“That’s rich—motivational support from you.”
“You are angry because your sister does not need you. Anyone can see that.” She shoves at her blankets, adjusting them, and then pulls them over her again, huddling underneath.
“It’s amazing you can see anything considering you never leave your bed,” I snark back at her, but she’s right. I’m flailing without my sister. Who am I if I’m not Lila’s protector? All of who I was back on Earth has been stripped away, and while Lila was gone, I clung to her presence as an anchor. I told myself that when Lila got back, things would be better. We’d find our way together.
Except Lila got back and she no longer needed me.
“So what do you do when everything is terrible?” I ask Asha.
“I am going to lie in bed,” she says in a terse voice. “You will have to think of something else, because I do not want company. Find another place to hide. This one is mine.”
Dude. She’s harsh. “I thought we were supposed to be roomies.”
“No one asked me if I wanted a companion.”
Well, she’s got a point there. I roll onto my side and ignore her, trying out the whole ‘wallowing’ thing. I have to admit, it’s pretty damn boring. I’m used to doing things throughout the day, not hiding. This isn’t going to work for me. I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling, and then I look over at Asha again. “So you’re basically telling me I need a hobby and that you already have the market cornered on ‘moping’ and I need to find something else.”
“Something of that nature.” Her voice is dull, tired. “Find something to amuse you.”
“Like what?”
She sighs heavily, as if the very act of answering me is exhausting. “The rest of the tribe helps each other. There is cooking, and gathering, and tanning…” Her voice catches and she takes a deep breath before continuing. “And there are kits to watch over while the others are out hunting.”
Oh. Hunting. I’m intrigued. I imagine myself with a bow and arrow, like Liz. She’s a badass. I’d like to be a badass, too. “You know what? I think you might be right, Asha.”
“Good. Now go away.”
