The Not-Outcast by Tijan

 

Prologue

The past

I’d loved Cut Ryder all my life.

Okay. That’s a lie.

I’d only known him for this last year, and if I were being fully, fully honest here, I’ve only talked to him a handful of times.

…

Yeah.

I’m lying again.

I mean, I’ve seen him loads of times. He’s Pine Valley High School’s star hockey player, and we’re a school where hockey isn’t that big of a deal. Football and baseball are. But when Cut started playing for the team, everything changed.

I mean, that’s what I’m told.

I actually didn’t go to school there until this last year, but it felt like I’d been there all my life. Just like I felt like I’d known Cut all my life. The real, real truth is that he’s my brother’s best friend, and see, that’s why I thought I’d known him all my life. Except I hadn’t. Just like I haven’t really known my brother either.

I mean, not until this year. This was the first time I came to stay with my father.

Chad. That’s my stepbrother’s name. He’s the same age as me.

But I didn’t see him a whole lot. Like, hardly ever.

I mean, he didn’t really talk to me.

He didn’t talk to me in school either.

But I did get rides to school from my stepmother (Chad’s real mom), and sometimes Chad would be at the school when we arrived because Natalie (his mom) needed to talk to him or ask him to do something. And Cut was there with him most of the time.

Or some of the time.

Okay. Cut only came to the car once the whole year, but it didn’t matter.

I was sure he knew who I was.

I mean, I was his best friend’s sister. Or stepsister. Did it matter? We were siblings.

Cut never really looked at me. He frowned at me once, in a hallway, when I yelled out, “Hey!” He passed me right by, but there was a flicker in his eyes. He so knew me.

See? We were friends. We were tight.

Or we were just in my head.

I guess, when I think about it, a lot of things this past year only happened in my head.

Like that I had loads of friends at Pine Valley. The truth is, I didn’t, but it was because everyone knew Chad was my brother. He’d told them not to befriend me. He was trying to protect me. At least in my head that’s what he was doing.

And he was super good at it, because he only talked to me once that year in school. It was at my locker. I was there, shutting it, and I knew Natalie was supposed to pick me up because I had to stay after for a meeting about my mom. Chad shoved a stocking cap at me. “Here.”

He didn’t wait for me to grab it, so it fell to the ground, but I scrambled—a big smile on my face—and I looked up. “Hey! Than—”

He was already walking away, not giving me a second glance. He was carrying a bag, and Cut was at the lockers. A couple girls were standing with Cut, but he looked at me then.

He saw me and acknowledged me.

See? He did know me! I totally forgot about that time. There was no frown on his face then. Just his eyebrows pinching together, and he looked from me to Chad. Actually, now that I thought about it, he looked kinda confused.

I mean… What was that about?

Chad had told him about me.

Hadn’t he?

No way. Of course, he had.

How do you not tell your best friend about your sister?

Your half-sister.

Your stepsister.

To be fair, my dad didn’t know about me until I was eleven. And that was five years ago. There had been minimal phone calls or birthday cards since then. It wasn’t my dad’s fault. I heard him calling. Or more specifically, I heard my mom fighting with him.

Like, all the time.

Then again, that’s all my mom really did.

She fought with people, then she smoked up. She liked to lock herself in her bedroom.

Or she liked to lock me out of the house.

One time it lasted a whole week. Other times, not as long. Other times, longer.

There was one time where she locked herself in her room for a full week.

I knocked and asked if she was okay. Sometimes she’d yell at me to go away. Sometimes she didn’t say anything, but she always got mad when I went to check on her. And I didn’t think she’d eaten that week or had any water, so I left sandwiches outside her door, and I stole a couple bottles of water from the neighbors.

I stole other things, too.

I always hated doing that, but if I were being honest, I didn’t think I was really stealing them. Mrs. Johanson saw me take a water one time, and she didn’t say a word. There were two bottles there the next day.

Sometimes I swiped them, but I didn’t like to. And I’d only do that if I was in dire straits.

I didn’t like seeing my mom like that or doing those things, so I spent as much time at school as possible. The water fountain there was free, you know?

But anyway, back to Cut and how much I loved him.

Because I did. A lot.

I mean, he’s gorgeous. He has this dirty blond hair, and he keeps it shaved on the sides of his head. He lets it get a little longer on top, and he’s always running his hands through it. It looks messily rumpled, and it’s just so adorable. Although, I bet being a hockey player he’d not want to be known as adorable, but in my mind, he was.

I know I wasn’t the only girl in school who thought so either.

Cut and Chad were both popular. They’re hockey players, so of course they were popular. But Chad was grumpy a lot of the time. Or at least, he was grumpy to me. You know, when he actually talked to me. But not Cut. He was always grinning or joking around his popular friends, and everyone loved Cut.

How could you not?

He was going into the NHL. Everyone knew it. I heard Chad talking about it to our dad one night at the house. It was one of the few times he was there. At first, I thought that Chad not living here with us was weird, but then I heard Natalie mention to one of her friends that they thought it was best if he stayed at Cut’s house while Donna’s kid was staying with them.

That’s how she said it; those were her words exactly.

I mean, I knew she was talking about me, but it made sense. Everything made sense after that.

I was Donna’s kid.

I was also Deek’s kid. So that meant I was Chad’s stepsister.

So even though Natalie didn’t like calling me her stepdaughter, that’s what I was.

But yeah, everyone’s been great to me this whole time I was at their house.

The food was great every night.

I could drink water any time of the day, and get this—it was endless, coming out of their fridge. I just had to grab a glass and push it against the button, and voila: instant water. It was good water, too, so I didn’t need to stay at school that long after classes ended.

I never got locked out.

I never had to find a warm place on the streets.

I did look up the local shelter, just in case. One never knew.

But back to the family, because I found out that I had another little brother. Can you believe that?

I had no clue where he’d been this whole time. Maybe like Chad, he’d been sent somewhere else while they needed to take care of me? Oh man. I hoped I hadn’t put them out, or him out, or used his room? That’d be awful if they brought me in and sent him away because I took his room, but that didn’t make sense.

Their house was epically big.

I mean, Chad could’ve stayed there, and I probably wouldn’t have even seen him.

Though, thinking on it now, Natalie was also gone a lot. There were a ton of nights when it was me at the house and Deek was working in his office. I mean, yeah, I spent time with my dad. That was super, über cool, you know? We had meals together, or some meals.

We had meals in the beginning together.

After a while, not so much.

He kinda stopped talking to me toward the end.

Except snapping.

He liked to snap a lot.

But in the beginning he talked to me about my mom, and when he did, he’d get all tense in the face. His words would come out clipped, but I got it. I really and truly did.

Donna was…well, let’s just say Donna was a lot.

I’m her daughter, and she only talked civilly to me after she’d been away at one of those clinics. She stayed there a long time. This time was the longest, and my dad thought it’d be best if I spent it with them, but usually I stayed at my uncle’s house, but this time was cool. It was like seeing how the other half lives.

The high school was nicer, too. There weren’t gangs at Pine Valley.

Can you imagine? How Chad would be at my normal school? With the gangs there?

I started laughing, just thinking about it, and then I thought about Cut. It wasn’t funny anymore.

Cut would’ve still been popular and pretty, but he probably wouldn’t have laughed as much.

That was sad to think about because I liked his laugh. I listened for it in the hallways.

“Cheyenne.”

Crap. They’re talking to me.

“Cheyenne.” My counselor leaned over, putting her hand on my arm. “This is important. You need to focus on being present with us.”

They’re always preaching that. Being present.

What did that even mean?

So what if my mind wandered? So what if I’m hyper and sometimes so hyper I missed what’s going on around me? They would be, too, if they grew up where I did, the way I did.

Being present sucked, especially now. I mean, more so now than ever.

Could we go back to talking about Cut?

“Cheyenne.”

That was my dad talking.

“What?” I looked at him. He was frowning at me, sitting in the corner with his arms crossed over his chest. He dressed up for this meeting—a business suit. Natalie’s here, too, heaving a sigh, like she usually did when she’s around me. I’ve noticed she didn’t do that when Chad was around. I couldn’t say how she was around my other brother because I obviously didn’t know him.

I didn’t think they even knew that I knew about him.

Let’s talk about that.

Why haven’t they told me?

It’s not like I’m this horrible person.

I didn’t do anything. I mean, the worst I did was think, think and talk to myself, not be present—which I could see my dad knew I was doing again.

He got the same look on his face every time he’s exasperated with me.

His mouth flattens. His nose wrinkles a little, and it looks like he’s constipated or something.

Now he’s uncrossing his arms, rubbing a hand over his forehead.

He does that a lot when I really frustrate him.

“Cheyenne.”

Aw crap. It was the counselor again. She was being more insistent, and I needed to focus. If I didn’t, she’d get mad. Then I’d be asked to leave so they could talk, and nothing good was discussed when I wasn’t in the room.

“Yeah?”

She was trying. I could see the effort, but even her face was tight and rigid. She nodded toward Deek and Natalie. “Your father is wondering if you feel comfortable enough to return to your mother’s care?”

That.

I felt a knot coming up my throat.

I knew I didn’t want to come to this meeting.

Deek cleared his throat, leaned forward, and rested his elbows on his knees. “You’ve been at our house for six months, and we’ve made accommodations and changes so you’d feel comfortable there. If you choose to remain there, we do need to discuss bringing Chad and Hunter back into the house.”

Hunter! That was his name.

I didn’t think my dad realized that was the first time he’d referenced him in front of me.

Natalie wasn’t looking at him. She had that same blank and somewhat peeved look directed at me. Thinking on it now, she looked similar to my dad whenever they had to deal with me.

Maybe they had mentioned the other brother before, but I didn’t think so. I would’ve remembered. Who forgets their own brother’s name? Not me. Especially not me. I’d never had a brother before.

Hunter.

Now I knew his name, I was never forgetting it.

“Cheyenne.”

I messed up again. My counselor sighed.

It wasn’t my fault that I was like this.

But it was on me to control it, so okay…

I had to concentrate here.

A deep breath in.

Hold—that never worked for me.

“My mom’s good again?” I asked.

Crap. That was a question, not a statement from me. I messed up there, too.

The counselor looked relieved. I was participating. She always got less snippy when I responded to her.

“She’s graduated to the halfway house, and she’ll be able to leave as early as this week. She’s reached out and requested to see you.”

I frowned. Why? I shrugged. “Nah. I’m good.”

All three adults shared a look at that.

See! I’m so focused here. Noticing everything. Every. Thing.

“What do you mean, you’re good? You don’t want to see your mother, or you don’t want to live with her?”

See her. Duh. It’s always the same. She’d come out of those places happy and hippie and seeing rainbows and talking about angels. She’d be nice, promising to keep with her yoga and meditation and the rules. Always the rules.

Life would be decent, for a while.

But she’d start smoking again.

Or she’d meet a guy and then start smoking again. I’m not talking the cigarette kind of smoking.

Same old, same old.

Then I’d get locked out.

I’d be on the streets.

I’d spend time with Herb. He lived on the corner two blocks from the house.

“I guess I’m good with living with her, but can I come back to Deek’s the next time?”

A look flickered in my counselor's eyes. She knew what I was talking about.

Natalie’s voice hitched high. “Next time? What does she mean, ‘next time’?”

Oh boy.

That answered my question. Natalie looked all panicky at the thought that I could be coming back. It was cool. I could stay at my uncle’s, I guess. My cousins liked me. They thought I was funny. Plus, I wasn’t scared to walk from my room to go get water there, though they didn’t have the fancy fridge water that Deek did.

Still. It was all cool.

I’d miss looking at Cut.

Gah.

I loved Cut. I think I loved him all my life.

* * *

So I went backto live with my mom.

She was nice, like I knew she would be.

Until she got bored, like I knew she would get.

Then she found a new guy, like I knew would happen.

So, the same old, same old happened.

This time I went to the shelter, but I wasn’t there long.

Something happened, so I stayed with Herb for a bit. Herb was cool.

He’s got a nice dog, too.

But somehow the cops found out where I was. I got picked up.

I knew not to ask Natalie or Deek, so that time I went to my uncle’s.

Things were good, until they weren’t.

Same old, same old.

But turns out, not this time.

* * *

I couldn’t believethey came for me.

I was more grounded this time. It was a whole year later. I was going into my senior year of high school, and this time I was with the normal kids. They got me meds. My uncle got me in to see a therapist who worked with me. There was a new county program where they paid for those services. There was group therapy, and yeah, okay, they sent me somewhere for a bit. But I came out, and it was like the world was shining brighter.

I’ve never felt like this.

People would say things, and I understood them. I responded, and they replied.

I felt like one of them, you know?

If you know, you know. If you don’t, that’s cool. That meant you’re blessed.

The place said I was misdiagnosed, and my symptoms were because my mom was a junkie when I was inside of her. And I got all that. It made sense, but it was awesome. I mean, it wasn’t. The reason I was there and all of us were there wasn’t cool at all.

Though, could I tell you a secret?

I was relieved. And I felt bad saying that. I’d never admit that to anyone else, but I was.

There were no more ups and downs, threats, screams, violence, the streets, shelters, cops, or fostering. From the time I lived with my dad, and the times I’ve been with my uncle, I got that I needed structure. It said a lot that a kid like me got that. Like, it said a lot.

“Cheyenne.”

Oh, boy. My dad. He looked wary to talk to me.

“Hi, Deek.”

He smiled, and he blinked a few times before he came the rest of the way to where I was waiting.

He reached for me, and like a normal person (who can read that this is what he wanted), I moved in, and he hugged me.

I hugged him back.

It was all so cool.

Then Natalie was here, and she smiled at me with all this gentleness. Who knew she could be like that? Not that she was mean mean, but she was at least slightly bitchy mean. If that made sense?

And holy crapola I’m-gonna-crap-my-pants crap!

There’s a little dude next to her, and he looked just like Chad. His hair even had a slight twinge of red in it.

I thought Natalie was reaching for a hug, but no way. I dropped to my knees, smiling wide at this little guy, and I reached for him (because I can now, because I’m a normal person now—there are so many benefits to hanging in the normal, cool crowd), and he came to me!

“Hey, buddy.” Keep it quiet, Cheyenne. Calm. Don’t scare the little dude away. “I’m your big sister.”

“I know!”

I always wanted a sibling.

A little dude to love and look over.

I was almost bowled over by his excitement.

“Hunter,” Natalie reprimanded him.

I didn’t know why, but he stared at her and then he must’ve remembered.

“Oh.” He lifted his arms, wound them around my neck, and squeezed me tight. He said in a rush, “I’msorryaboutyourmomIheardshewasn’tnicebutI’mstillsorry.”

Okay.

I replayed it back silently, put in the spaces, and I got it.

I eased back and held up my pinkie finger.

He was watching me. Wide eyes. Then, grinning, he lifted his pinkie, and we locked.

“Put it there, dude.”

Could I tell you another secret?

I didn’t like talking about my mom or the reason everyone was here.

There was sadness, and I felt it, but right now I was riding the wave of meeting my little brother. Now I’ve not only met Hunter, hugged Hunter, but we pinkie-duded each other.

Little Dude leaned forward and whispered in my ear, “Do you like koalas?”

I leaned back, giving him the biggest and brightest smile ever. “You serious? I love koalas!”

His whole face lit up. “Me too.”

I looked up, but no Chad. Or Cut. (I was really hoping Cut would come.)

As if reading my mind, Natalie coughed. “Chad’s at a hockey camp where he’s going to college next year.”

I stood, but I had to squeeze little dude’s shoulder.

He looked up, bumping into my leg, and I’m calling it. We’re going to be the best koala-loving friends.

Then he moved over to his mom, and I got that, too. She seemed pretty chill this time.

“Silvard, right?” I asked.

Natalie’s eyes got big.

Me. Normal. I was loving it. “You told me last year that’s where he’s going. Early acceptance?”

“Yeah.” She blinked some more, then shook her head. “Uh. Yeah.” She regained her footing, and her smile was more genuine. “Cut got a ride there until he goes to the NHL. Chad doesn’t think he’ll make the team. He’s not as good as Cut, but he’s hoping for one last year with him.”

I got it. I’d want one last year with Cut, too.

Honestly, I’d take one last moment with him at this point. I still loved the guy, though I’ve realized he had no clue who I was that year and we never actually talked. Like, ever.

I was a bit delusional that year.

“That’s cool.” I was bobbing my head, acting just like what I said.

It’s my new favorite word.

Deek cleared his throat, suddenly all serious. “I’ve talked to your uncle, and he mentioned the agreement we worked out. That works with you?”

I knew what he was talking about, and I nodded. “I’ll stay with my uncle. I’m guessing you want me to go to Silvard next year?”

He relaxed. Dude did not want me in the house. I got it. I understood.

His shoulders lowered, and the lines of tension in his forehead eased at my words.

“We’re figuring since Chad will be there, you might want to get to know your brother a bit.”

Now that I’m better…

Now that my mother wasn’t…

“That’d be great.” I winked at Little Dude. “But only if Koala Dude and I can hang sometimes.”

He giggled at his name.

Deek’s head jerked to the side. “We can talk later about that.”

With a clearer head, it turned out that I was smart, and I might even be a little super-duper smart. I would need to work hard and work a lot, but I could probably graduate like one of those normal people.

The agreement was that I stayed away and Deek would pay for my college.

He was choosing Silvard.

My uncle thought I’d be pissed about that, but I was down.

I wasn’t like one of those girls. I didn’t have plans, dreams, or Pinterest boards about anything. I was just happy to be able to go to college, and Silvard is no slouch school. They’re D1 and pretty fancy-pants. I knew it’d be hard, but as long as I kept current with therapy and meds, I was down for the pound.

I could get a degree, and whadda ya know? I could get a decent job at the end of all this.

I saw my uncle approaching, and I knew what that meant. It was time to get this shindig going.

My dad hugged me. He was still so tense. I didn’t know why.

Natalie hugged me. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Cheyenne.” She smoothed my hair, her hands fell to my shoulders, and then Little Dude hugged my knees.

I didn’t tell anyone, but my shoulders tingled after that touch from her.

My mom used to be nice like that, but that was a long time ago.

Like, ages ago.

Like, I couldn’t remember now, but she must’ve been at some point.

She had to be.

All moms hugged their kids, right…?

But I didn’t want to deal with that. I got my Little Dude here.

I crouched down and held up my pinkie again. “We’re gonna hang, right?”

He stepped forward, all serious. He wrapped his pinkie around mine and nodded. “Hell yeah, we’re gonna hang.”

“Hunter!” his mom said.

But he just laughed. I laughed back, and it was all good.